A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Wednesday, July 31, 2002
Ok, I have a confession. I’ve been thinking about my ex. A lot. Well,more than I should be at least. I think that thinking about him at all is probably too much, and there are many reasons for that. I’ve moved past the “hating him” phase… which I’ve finally figured out (and most of you will just give a big DUH to this one) is a necessary phase, because it makes the seperation easier, at least for a time. Then once the anger passes, however, you’re left remembering the reasons that you loved them. You’re left thinking about their smell on your pillow, or their grumpy morning face, or the way they had to have Ranch dressing on their Caesar Salad… (for the record, that was NOT one of his random quirks, it just sounded cute) And I’ve had these thoughts a lot lately… The thought of emailing him has occurred to me, but I realize that it would serve no purpose. But there are things I just feel that I want to say. So, in the interest of maintaining some sanity – I’ve decided to write a letter to him here. Being as though HE never reads this, I know it’s safe from his eyes. I’m not actually sure that there ARE many people who DO read this – so it may not actually be seen by anyone but myself, so… here goes:
Cameron … I’ve found myself in a place where I just don’t feel angry anymore. I guess maybe we both had reasons to be angry. Although neither of us seem to really acknowledge the others reasons, because I think we feel they would invalidate our own. I think it all ended up just being a circle where one of us would hurt the other and then we would trade off … and eventually, I guess we finally reached the point of no return. But as I think about you now… and I find myself doing so more and more … I realize how much I loved you. I guess how much I still do. I’m not sure I ever realized how much I loved you while we were dating … perhaps because on some level I knew that your love for me wasn’t as strong. How could it be? You still loved Stephen. I don’t say that with any anger or sarcasm. It’s just a fact. But so much reminds me of you now…silly little things, but things that you liked. I actually find myself watching The View more … and Trading Spaces (thank GOD you’ll never read this and know that) … Now, no matter how much you loved her, I still have no affections whatsoever for Martha, but I must admit, when I see a commercial for her show, yeah, I picture you watching, just praying you could make a bundt cake that she would be proud of. A friend of mine and I got together for a movie night recently, and I was almost brought to tears when she showed up at my house with hummus and pita bread. I saw an interview with Isaach in a magazine, and I thought “I should cut this out for Cam…Oh wait, no I guess not.”
I think about you sometimes as I fall asleep. I think about how you came to visit me when I was in jail. How knowing that you would be on the other side of that glass at 7am would help me get to sleep. I think about you and I in New York (the first time) sitting in the back of Barracuda with Ben and company and bullshitting about what a cunt Betty White was. Or dancing with Kristina at Limelight. Or spending the night in a scary motel. Or doing laundry at Lucy Laundry. I watched the Season Premiere of Sex and the City and wondered if you were watching it too. I watched a movie about a gay jewish man during the holocaust, and it was such an amazing movie and I sat there the whole time wishing you were watching it with me, because I knew you would have loved it. I sometimes lie in bed, and remember exactly how it felt to hold you. How you would refuse to go to bed unless I would as well. How I wasn’t allowed to stay up and watch TV. When you said it was bedtime, it was bedtime. And how I would fight you, most of the time out of principal. I guess you don’t appreciate everything till you don’t have it anymore.
Oh, and those nights when I’m flipping through channels at 3am and come to Judge Milian (aka/Peoples Court) … OH FUGGET ABOUT IT … ;) I’m usually reduced to a puddle.
What’s the point of all this rambling? The point is that when I think about you – and I do … a lot … that these are the things that come to my mind. That all of the hurt, although not something that I still think is ok (but I guess we both did our share) isn’t what comes to my mind when I think about you. It isn’t what defines “us” to me. Or “you” to me. It isn’t what I miss.
I know I wasn’t the great love of your life. I guess you weren’t mine either – although at this point in my life, I can honestly say you were one of the people I’ve loved the most. But I read the letter you wrote me once. The one that was SUPPOSED to be goodbye. I wish I had let us go then. Because in that letter, at that time, you said that you would still look back on the time we spent together fondly. That you had good memories… and I guess because of how things eventually did end, you may not feel that way at all anymore. And that’s a shame. Well I still DO look back on the good things. Because there were so many. You gave me so much, in so many different way. I learned a lot from you, and although you might not think so, I DID grow as a person, and I think I will continue to grow because of experiences I have had with you.
It hurts a little bit every day to think about you and the fact that I probably won’t ever see you again. Even less likely that we’ll ever have a real conversation again. Next to impossible that we’ll ever be close again. And clearly, that we won’t be “together” again. All of those realizations hurt. But even with that hurt, I still wouldn’t trade one minute of knowing you, dating you or loving you. You’re an amazing person, who just like the rest of us, has some shit to work through. But you’re more than capable of doing that, and I hope you surround yourself with the people who can help you do that. And that you let them. I love you Cameron. Be good to you.
Kevin
8:20 PM
Tuesday, July 30, 2002
I think I've finally reached the point where enough is enough. It's definitely time for a change. The problem is: I'm in a holding pattern and I don't know what kind of change I can make right now that's going to be a positive one. I mean, a few things are simple. There are some people who have just worn out their welcome in my life. Someone pointed out to me this weekend, that I have myself surrounded by some people who just don't need to be there. Ironically, Cameron used to point out the same thing to me. It's not that I ever disagreed with him, and to a point - I changed quite a bit of that. But it's part of who I am that I believe in the best in people. I like to think that people can, and sometimes DO change. The problem is, that doesn't hold true for most of the people who I meet.
With everything that has happened with me during the past few weeks: health scares, the loss of a biological parent, trying to make decisions about the future ... I've been looking for some kind of anchor. Something to bring some happiness to my life. Or purpose. I'm not really sure exactly what it is that I'm searching for ... or if I'll even find it, but I know that my life right now just isn't even close to what I want.
The obvious thing that I want is to go back to New York. I want it so much, and I should know within the next few weeks whether or not that will be possible, at least logistically. Then I need to figure out how to make it work financially. I think about my time down here in Florida, and although much of it was shit, and in so many ways I'm READY to go back to New York, I think there are definitely things I will take with me from my time down here that will affect my future in some positive ways. The trick is getting out of here, while I'm still able to hold on to that. I want to get back to the people who mean the most to me in my life. I want to get back to a place where I feel alive. I want to get back to where I am doing something with my life again. I want to get back to where things aren't hopeless.... Yeah, in short - I want to get back to New York!
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
11:02 AM
Wednesday, July 24, 2002
It seems that when it rains it pours. No, I'm not talking about the lovely Florida weather. I'm talking about the wonderful news I received on my voice mail yesterday.
In case you're reading this and don't know - I'm adopted. I met both of my biological parents when I was 18 - and they're not bad people. My biological father and I never really took to each other - and my biological mother and I have a relationship, although it's not a close one. Well she called me yesterday, and left me a message to let me know that at 9 o'clock yesterday morning, my biological father shot and killed himself. Ouch, huh?...
I guess what's tearing me up the most is that I'm not really sure HOW to feel about it. Of course I'm sad ... of course, it's shocking... of course, I feel horrible for my sisters. Particularly my older one, who apparently was asked to come identify the body. But beyond that I feel numb about it. I'm not sure if I should be waiting for some big wave of emotion to hit - or if one is actually even coming. The scariest thought, I think, is a selfish one. I think about how depressed I get sometimes...how sometimes I feel as though things just won't get better. I wonder if that's how he felt. I would assume so. I wonder if perhaps, this man I never really took that much time and effort to get to know, felt the same way that I do so often. And I wonder if that means it's only a matter of time till I sink down the level of depression that he did. And then what?... How much like him am I? ...
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
7:01 PM
Thursday, July 18, 2002
The past few days have been kinda uneventful. I've gotten done a lot of writing. I've cleaned up the house. I've watched a lot of movies. (pay per view IS my friend... lol) I haven't gone out much. I haven't been a bad boy! I'm so proud of myself...Of course the weekend is coming up - so I might let myself cut loose just a little bit.
I had a dream last night about the boy I have a crush on. Now I know I have crushes ALL the time, but I don't usually dream about them. It wasn't a sex dream... I don't really even remember all the details... just him... I think he was singing to me. OK, maybe it has something to do with the fact that I fell asleep listening to his CD. LOL, ok - I'm a dork!
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
3:49 PM
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
Yet another interesting weekend in my crazy life. A bit of a low key weekend although it was definitely filled with a bit of craziness. I spend most of the time during the week now, not going anywhere or leaving my house. So I let myself cut loose a little bit on the weekends, but definitely not like the old days.
Friday morning I got woken up by a friend at my door, at 7am, who I hadn't seen in months - and I didn't manage to get back to sleep till Sunday afternoon.
Friday night, I had some friends over for dinner, and some beers and we all hung out till around 3am. Then we decided to take a look around for an afterhours party, which when we finally found turned out to be lame, and we just locked ourselves in a room, and had an awesome conversation with just the 3 of us. Much better than the boring usual afterhours crap!
Saturday night, about five of my friends came over ... and we cooked up a batch of "special juice" made with "special mushrooms" - a taste treat that I had never experienced before. Now first, let me tell you - I'm sure Martha Stewart has a recipe that would make this crap taste better, but my friends did NOT. Their solution was to put in enough kool-aid and sugar to rot my teeth for the next year- and my teeth aren't in great shape as it is. LOL ... but it was quite an experience. The mental state is similar to being drunk, only you have more control over yourself. I was very giggly, and happy... and my friend Missy and I just thought EVERYTHING was funny. LOL. The visual effects were really interesting as well. A lot of color changes and lighting stuff. It was really nifty. My friends who were with me, seemed to think a lot - to just ponder life and what its all about - strangely, with everything that has been happening with me lately, I didn't manage to fall into that mindset. Perhaps because I was determined to have a good weekend, and not think about unhappy things. I must say, it was nice to spend a weekend with friends, have some good times - and see some pretty colors...all without entering a club or being around a million fags I don't like anyway.
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
6:00 PM
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