A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Monday, December 30, 2002
I remember that almost every year since I was a young child, I used to get excited about Christmastime LONG before it actually arrived. Even in recent years, Christmas Eve has always remained my favorite night of the year. So much so in fact that I would generally start a few nights before calling it "Christmas Eve Eve Eve" ... and then the next night was "Christmas Eve Eve" ... and so on and so forth.
This year, it was much, much different.
It was the first year I spent Christmas away from my family - basically alone in Florida. Well, not alone - I had people with me ... but alone as compared to what Christmas usually is for me.
And of course, the rest of the day seemed to follow suit.
I had actually managed to get an invite to a friends Christmas dinner, but overslept and missed it. Adrian had stayed over Christmas Eve, and so when we finally woke up, the insanity began.
For several reasons, I'm not going to go into all the specifics in such a public forum (although who REALLY reads this page anyway!?... ;) But the highlights of the day included missing drugs, a few loud arguments, a missing and then later wrecked jeep grand cherokee, and not too much in the way of Christmas Cheer...
Tommorrow being New Years Eve, I'm not exactly sure what to expect. There aren't any great plans... Nothing special in mind... I'm going to spend it with Adrian, I assume - which will be nice ... I think that also means I'll be spending it with his irritating best friend as well - but I guess I can manage to grin and bear it.
I guess in two days - it's a clean slate... a New Year ... Time to start making some resolutions I guess...
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
7:14 PM
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Yet another exciting day in the life...
So I lost my wallet the day before Thanksgiving ... it was lost in my friend's car... and apparently, one of the people who found it, teamed up with my thieving ex-roommate Chad, and decided to open a bank account in my name and overdraw it to get some money.
Now that I've gotten the specifics from the bank, and from other sources - I have a pretty certain idea who is responsible. Even caught with fairly damning evidence, this person still refuses to admit it or return my wallet. I've offered to not press charges or file a police report if they are honest and want to work it out between us - but apparently honesty is a bit too difficult of a concept for these people to grasp.
The sad thing is, that this was done by a person (or perhaps persons) that I basically trusted. Yeah - that's my life.
On the "love and romance department" ... I've decided that maybe I should not close doors so readily. I really like this boy who I've been hanging out with ... (we'll call him "Nathan" as an alias) .. "Nathan" is very cool and we have a lot of fun together. I just for some reason didn't think it was going to work... Even though he really likes me. But I had a dream last night that prompted me to wonder...
I do like him a lot ... and yes, I'm still smarting from the Jonathan thing. A lot. But I think I've made the decision that this boy is worth investing some time in... Waiting to see what happens...all that stuff....
I still don't know what's going on for Christmas ... if anyone is spending it with me... if I'm going home ...if the family (any of them) is coming here...
UGH ... and only a week until my favorite night of the year: Christmas Eve. I wonder if it will even be a Merry one this year...
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
7:17 PM
Saturday, December 14, 2002
seem to be a cop magnet. I've managed to stay out of trouble, but it seems like just people being around me is enough to get them in trouble.
Adrian (the boy I've been hanging out with) and Holly, Jenna Katie and I decided to go out last night and paint the town red. Actually, it was more of a mauve color, but painting was definitely on our agenda.
But I digress...
So ... Adrian and I are in his car, with Holly and company following behind us. As we're about to get on the interstate, brilliant me decides he doesn't feel so good and has to puke, so we pull into an empty parking lot and I begin hurling on the ground. Well, being as though Florida is such a helpful state, a nice sherriff pulled up to make sure that we were "ok..." Well, it turns out we were ok, except for the warrants that were out for Adrian's arrest. (How cute, he never mentioned that to ME ... )
Well, Adrian ends up being carted off to jail, and we begin spending the night trying to find a way to get the poor boy out of jail. YIKES!
Well needless to say, we weren't able to (although the website says that he's out now - I just checked...so mom and dad must have gotten him). So, his jeep is now sitting at my house, waiting for him to show up to come get it. Holly had to drive it over here... Actually, we took a brief detour at the club first.
Now that's not as bad as it seems... We weren't just going out to party... I wanted to try to find a friend who I thought I could borrow bail money from to get Adrian out ... of course that never happened ... and then Katie (with her cell phone being the only way Adrian had to contact us) wound up disappearing with some scary boy.
YIKES ... is it possible to just have a boring Friday night in this dreadful town?
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
1:29 PM
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
Changes, changes, changes!
My apartment complex finally decided to move someone into one of the empty bedrooms in my apartment. He moved in yesterday.
He's a rather attractive straight boy named Frank, who, although a bit of a stoner, is quite a nice guy. A bunch of his friends came over to visit last night, and we all sat around and drank. It was a pretty fun night, and by the end of the night, my very good friend Missy had disappeared into his bedroom! SCANDALOUS! ;)
I've been hanging out with a pretty cool boy named Adrian. Missy likes him a lot ... and I think he's pretty cool. I guess I'm just still a bit apprensive, after things with Jonathan, and honestly don't really want to rush into something else, so I'm taking it really slow.
I guess also, truth be told, that I still miss Jonathan and care about him quite a bit. I think about him a lot, which I guess isn't very healthy, but I can't help it. I wonder if, whatever it is that he's doing, or whoever his new boyfriend is (I suspect he has one by now) if maybe he's thinking about me too?... If he misses me ... If he knows he left some of his clothes at my house! (HEY - I got SOMETHING out of the divorce!)
Still no word from any of the jobs that I applied for... I'm getting discouraged... I really don't WANT a job, but it would be a very good thing to have right now. I guess I kind of "need" one soon - I need to put less strain on my dad and the money that he has been giving me.
I miss Jamie too ... I think that' s my Christmas wish ... getting to see my best friend. Although, the idea of going to Maine certainly doesn't sound too appealing.
It would, however be nice to see some snow... It IS Christmas time after all! HO, HO, HO indeed!
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
10:35 PM
Friday, December 06, 2002
A friend of mine said something to me the other day. Sounds like the most simple piece of advice that you could imagine. Something only a moron would need to be told. Perhaps that's something I should think about ... anyway...
I said "Why does it hurt so much?" She looked at me, and as though she was uttering the most profound bit of gospel, she said "Honey, hurt hurts."
Yeah, I guess it does. Perhaps not exactly the Holy Grail of relationship advice or anything, but undeniably true. Yes, hurt hurts. Dear Abby perhaps might have dressed up the idea a bit more... used some fancier words, but my friend summed it up pretty well in those two little words.
I read over his email again the other day ...the one I posted on here... I don't know. I mean, It hurt to read it, but I guess it gave me some insight into what he was doing. Protecting himself. I guess he started to feel something, and it scared him ... He runs away from anything that gets puts him in emotional jeopardy. And he admitted to doing the guy from work, that he would come home and brag used to hit on him, but that he turned down with proclamations of "I'm so happy with my boyfriend..."
So yeah, men cheat. Men lie. Men have issues with their feelings. I guess they always will. Perhaps that's also a simple fact, that also sounds like the Holy Grail of relationship advice.
Perhaps if it were back in the day when I was surrounded by a close knit, tight group of friends then I would be taking this breakup a bit easier. I might not be whoring around to feel better, or getting drunk beyond belief and staying at home alone for days.
But all in all, I'm fairly lonely down here as it is. And to deal with this break up, with the other things that have happened within the past few months... to deal with that all alone ... it hurts. But hey - hurt hurts!
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
4:25 PM
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
Oh yeah - job interview at Old Navy today!... wish me luck!
10:17 AM
Well ... I'm not sure this makes things make any more sense, but for my friends who read this page, I figured I'd post the email that I received from Jonathan late last night. After you read it, you'll perhaps understand how today, I'm even more hurt and confused:
kevin
you seem very heart felt...and im drunk...ok here's the score....i dont know why but it seems to be an endless cycle....i like someone they like me and instantly fall in love with me....when i said i know i didn't mean for the next 20 years i meant i know that right now i should be with this person and they take it too far....noone knows that i just want a person to date and thats it date.
eveyone seems to get married too fast in hope of finding " that one person" and it scares me so i run...it took me 22 years to love my parents...how does it take 3 weeks to love someone else thats a complete stranger? thats why i ran and tried to hurt you....i do love you but your not the type of person i thought myself to be with.....im shallow...end of story i know
i do love you and miss sleeping next to you...and i wont lie i did fuck jerry a couple of times...but i have too many issues to burdin you right now and when i stop running ill breathe and find you gone and ill wish i never started this marathon in the first place
love always and merry xmas
jonathan
Yeah, Merry Christmas indeed.
10:16 AM
Monday, December 02, 2002
I'm reminded of this scenario that comes to my mind every time a relationship ends. I think about a dog ... my parents used to have this wild dog, who just ALWAYS misbehaved. And so my dad would always roll up a newspaper, and everytime the dog would misbehave my dad would hit him with the newspaper. Eventually, the dog learnred.
If every relationship you have has been bad... If every guy you've dated has lied to you, and cheated on you... If you have no reason to think that there is a guy out there who won't hurt you ... Then why do you keep trying? When do you get hit on the nose with the newspaper enough times, that finally you just say enough is enough?
As you may have guessed, my blissfully happy relationship has turned out to be the same mirage that they all turn out to be. I'm still not even sure what happened here. It was like a switch - one day things were fine ... he even used the "L" word. The next day he's telling me that it's over, he's with someone else and that I'm a loser.
I don't get it... Nothing about Jonathan seemed like other people. And certainly, I had no hint that he was thinking those kind of things. He seemed to care about me so much ... He was attentive, and caring, and it seemed like ... it seemed like he cared.
Is my judgement that bad? Have I really become so poor at reading people? Is it something about me that just seems to attract those who are prone to this kind of
behavior? Is it just that there aren't any decent people left? Hell, I'm not even just talking about relationships ... I seem to find the same things in friends a lot. Of course there are exceptions... But you know what they say about exceptions: they prove the rule.
I don't know where to go right now ... I feel lost... I feel alone... I need to change something. Maybe many somethings. Where do I start? I don't know anymore... I just don't know.
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
3:44 AM
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