A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Monday, August 26, 2002
For a change - I finally feel ... what's the word? Hold on - I know it's coming. Optimistic?
It's been a great first week in my new place. I feel like I'm finally in a better environment.
I met the coolest girl who lives upstairs. A funky little chick named Jeannie, who I instantly bonded with and have been spending lots of time with lately. I like my new apartment, and feel like perhaps whatever time I still spend in Florida, might just bemore tolerable.
Tommorrow morning I have an interview for a job, which I am excited about. Jeannie helped me get the interview, so she's also being a good influence.
As for things with "the boy" ... I don't really know what to think anymore. Part of me is ready to give up, but then sometimes he does things that make me think he actually does like me. His friend Jenniffer drove up from Gainesville this weekend, and I spent the afternoon with the two of them. She was totally awesome, and I think she liked me, so maybe she'll put in a good word. LOL I really like him, and I think there might be some potential there... but he's just so hard to read and I don't know how interested he is. And the worst thing is to put yourself out there for a boy, and then find out he doesn't like you.
I guess we'll see how it plays out.
They say that nothing worth having is easily attained. Then again, I never really liked that expression. BLAH!
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
2:54 AM
Wednesday, August 21, 2002
I have a new home! Yay!
In a last minute decision to avoid homelessness, I decided to take a new apartment. It's the same kind of place I was living in before, and right around the corner. They placed me in an apartment with two other guys. As of this writing, I have only met one. A straight guy named Chad. He seems cool enough, and he informed me that our other roommate is a gay guy named Cole. Woo-hoo! I lucked out - they put me in with a fag! Hehehehehe....
I also now live in the same complex as Missy and Robin - so hopefully I'll get to see more of them ... and go to more straight parties... Somehow, I think I'll like them more than they gay parties! LOL
As for the "boy" ... I still like him ... I saw him again last night, and I can't tell what he thinks about me. There are times when I think there is some chemistry there... but then he does things that throw me.
I don't know if liking him is a good idea, but I definitely think I do like him. He's got a lot of qualities that you don't seem to find in many of the gay boys here in Florida. I'm so over most of them, I don't even have fun when I go out anymore. Blah! But ... I guess we'll see what happens with the boy...
Isn't life a crazy ironic mess sometimes? Or is it just MY life?...
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
5:32 PM
Monday, August 19, 2002
Sometimes I wonder how much longer till something finally goes my way. I don't say that to sound like I'm pitying myself... I have many things that a lot of people don't. But there's so much missing in my life. My lack of quality friends here in Florida becomes more apparent every day. Tonight is the last night I will spend in my apartment, because after today, it won't be mine anymore. I don't seem to be able to find work down here. And as for romance... any time I see a glimmer of possibility, I turn out to be wrong.
I find myself in a catch 22. I was explaining to someone the other night, that it's not interesting to me to have sex with someone who I don't like in some way. And that's true. If I don't have some kind of interest in the person, intellectually, or personality wise, or some kind of connection, I find it pointless to sleep with them. The problem is, that if I sleep with someone, who does have qualities that I like, then I begin to like them.
As is the current situation in my life. I like him. And of course, I was stupid and fooled around with him. I knew as I was doing it, that the potential was there for me to start liking him. It's not like it's out of control, and I'm not head over heels or anything. I just find myself really liking him. Wanting to get to know him better. But he talks openly to me about other guys he is interested in, so I don't think the interest is returned. I know there are a few things that bother him about me ... but beyond that, I don't know if he has any interest in me at all.
Loneliness is a shitty,shitty feeling. There just isn't anything here for me. Every day is kind of a battle to find something to make the next day worthwhile... just trying to kill time till I can hopefully leave this state. Right now, there just isn't anything to keep me here.
I really need to cheer up.
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
6:30 PM
Sunday, August 18, 2002
WHOA! That seems to be the only word that works right now. You know how sometimes, it just seems like your life is being scripted by the Head Writer at Days Of Our Lives?... Well mine seems to have a habit of taking turns that would make even the wriiters at Passions say "Wow, that's just crazy!"
But irony, I mean TRUE irony is when you have the same insane plotline happen twice in your life. Even though very few people read this website, in the interest of discretion, I'm going to tell a story that happened 2 years ago ...
I was dating a boy named Jeremy. We had met a few weeks before the big Millenium New Years Eve, which we ended up spending together. After a month, he had moved into my apartment and things were going pretty well. Pretty well, that is, until (through a series of odd coincidences) I discovered that he had been talking to his ex boyfriend Ed, and that he was begging Ed to take him back, even though he was with me.
I gave Jeremy his moving notice, told him I would try to give him time, but that he had to be understanding of my feelings. Having never met this Ed person before, I didn't really have any negative feelings towards him. Well, one night as I'm sitting at home, memorizing lines for work the next day, my phone rings. A voice asks for Jeremy and after a moment of hesitation, he reveals himself to be the infamous Ed, calling from Pennsylvania. Jeremy, had just left to go meet someone from online for "coffee" (yeah, right!) and so I was in a shitty mood and decided that maybe Ed and I should have a conversation. 5 minutes turned into 3 1/2 hours of conversation, at the end of which, Ed left Pennsylvania, to head to my apartment in New York City. Well that night, Ed and I talked and talked... and kissed and kissed... and well, you can use your imagination. The next morning, I woke up with the realization that not only had I slept with my ex's ex ... but that I might possibly have feelings for him.
There is an ending to this story, and needless to say, it wasn't a particularly happy one. It's just one of those odd situations that you think only happens on television. That if it did ever happen in your life, it certainly couldn't happen more than once. Yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you?...
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
6:49 PM
Wednesday, August 14, 2002
Well... kind of a big milestone last night. I saw "him" for the first time in a few months. The reason for his visit was something ironic, but not something I'm going to go into on here. Let's just say it involved a bit of hypocrisy, but I guess we're all guilty of that from time to time.
We spent about two hours together, mostly running around looking for someone. But I noticed the dynamic between us was, of course, completely different. I'm not sure what I expected. I was always so comfortable around him, I guess I expected that even with all that had happened, we would still have that comfort level. There were oments of it ... glimmers of it ... but in general, it was absent.
It was good to see him again, and I'm not sure if perhaps it will be the beginning of a possible friendship again, or just a moment born out of convenience.
Either way, it was nice to see him, and nice to see that my reaction to him was completely different than what I thought it would be. I remembered all of the good times, I remembered what I liked about him, but I felt detatched in an odd sort of way. I think that was partly due to the fact that he didn't once ask about the tough things I've dealt with in the past few months, or the fact that he didn't really seem to care how I was. I might have misinterpreted this - but it's definitely what I picked up on. All in all though, I'd say it was a somewhat positive experience. And if we do wind up spending any more time together, maybe things will change... Maybe it was a one-time experience... maybe it's a beginning. Only time will tell...
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
10:40 PM
Wednesday, August 07, 2002
It's been an eventful day already, and it's only noon...I had court this morning. Something I've been anticipating, and thinking that perhaps might give me a more definitive time of when I can leave this wretched state. Well, in order to have a little more time to put up a good fight, my lawyer asked for a continuance. I go back on September 5'th, so I'm a Floridian at least for another month.
Apparently, I'm not the only one who has a desire to leave Florida. The difference is, this morning two people I know actually did. Robbie and Tara. Robbie has been a good friend to me for just about a year now. Sometimes a closer friend then others, but someone whose friendship involved more than just partying, although we certainly did do our share of that together too. Tara has changed a lot since I met her, and not really for the better. She's backstabbed me a few times, and I've learned to keep her at a distance, but I found myself wishing the best for her and hoping she'll find a new life in Wisconsin, where they headed, after making me their final goodbye stop. As I stood in the parking lot watching them drive off, and head for better things, it occurred to me that I want to be in a car, heading out of this state. Of course Wisconsin isn't the destination I have in mind, but leaving Florida in order to move forward with my life, is the goal. I look at some of the few people who I feel have actually been real friends to me in this state, and a large percentage of them have moved on.
Jamie being one of them ... my best friend for quite a while, sent me an email today to let me know he's been thinking of me and that he's been reading my "ramblings" on here (Thanks, J - I think you're the only one who does...) It makes me sad that we've grown apart a bit ... I think due in part to many different reasons. I feel alone much of the time, and a little thing like a nice email to show support really meant a lot ... I know better times are possible for me - I just need to find a way to keep fighting for them. I've always been able to pick up and rebuild after losses, and I guess I will again. It just gets a little harder each time... and sometimes I wonder if "fight" is something I have in unlimited supply, or if it's depleting. I guess as "natural resources" go, it's not a bad one to tap into - so I keep digging to find some more. My friends tell me I'll find it, so I guess I'm going to take their word for it.
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
12:53 PM
(this post actually written on August 2'nd, but not copied to this page till August 7th.)
Another month ... the last of the summer.
I've been way too depressed lately. I need to find something to give me some kind of purpose... I'm stuck in a non-productive rut, with nothing but time to think and unfortunately not much good to think about.
It seems almost daily that I cut more people out of my life. It leaves me more and more alone, but the truth is I'd rather be alone then have people around me who treat me badly.
I miss soooo much my wonderful friends back up north. Kristina my NY redhead. Ben, the coolest gay boy friend a guy could ask for. Jenny-Penny, my diva from PA. James, my little raver boy ex who is just too adorable. Scott, another ex - but a true male diva ... Tom, the soap writer with the drama free life. Catherine, who I still watch on TV - but miss her dinner parties.
The list goes on and on ... and down here in Florida, I think I could write the list on a gum wrapper.
I keep sane by telling myself "Hopefully not much longer..." Well, by next week - I should have a clearer picture of if that's realistic or not... Hopefully, I'll be spending my next birthday, back home in the Big Apple ...
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
12:31 PM
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