A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Tuesday, September 24, 2002
It's amazing how sometimes the silliest things in life can make me feel all warm and fuzzy. A few weeks ago, sitting on my bed, a boy who I liked brushed his hand across my face, looked into my eyes and told me "You have such a beautiful forehead."
An odd compliment, most certainly - but it did the job. It was something about me that someone thought was special. And it's nice to know, that even if it's your forehead, that people find something pleasantly unique about you. Odd, but nice.
Just a few more days until my dreaded birthday. I'm one of those people who makes so much out of birthdays as it is. If my friends forget, or don't pay me enough attention then I feel unloved and lonely. If people give me lots of love, and make a big deal out of it, then my self esteem is set at least through Christmas. This year is different though. 26 is a strange age. I'm no longer early to mid-twenties. I'm now in my ... ...late twenties. That's a whole new box to check on "Age Range" applications. That's a whole new demographic in the Nielsen Ratings. (I suppose everything has to relate back to television for me at some point) That means I finally have to obey my own online rule, and change my screen name officially to something that doesn't contain the word "Boy..." Any claim I had left to the word "Boy" is gone ... (And I was kinda pushing it at 25)
This weekend holds something else of some excitement as well. Not only is it my birthday, but I am returning to my roots. I'm going on my first audition in almost 2 years. For a local production of "Jeffrey" here in Florida. I've sort of allowed it to be a "decision maker" of sorts for me. If I get the role, it keeps me in Florida at least till the end of the year. If I can't get a role in a local production of a gay play in Central Florida - then it's a sign that even I have to move hell and earth, I need to get back to New York City the following day, re-enroll in acting classes and do everything I can to avoid shooting myself. LOL... More on this topic later!
As I have no exciting plans for the next few days, I expect I'll be posting more on here before the big birthday... but on the off chance that any of my friends are reading this, IT'S FRIDAY, AND YOU'D BETTER REMEMBER!!!! :)
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
8:13 AM
Thursday, September 12, 2002
I hurt right now. I hurt so much that I just don't know how to describe it anymore. I know that there are many other people who have a lot more challenges than I do ... but right now - I just feel like I just don't think I can handle much more. Over the course of the past few months, I've dealt with my biological father killing himself, a cancer scare, the death of a close friend, 3 of my close friends down here moving away, courtroom drama, the memories of September 11'th, and most recently the discovery that someone who was a big part of my life for a long time, is HIV positive.
Add to this the intense loneliness that I feel most of the time, and the realization that there just might not be anyone out there who is exactly what I'm looking for ... and sometimes the feeling of despair is almost intolerable.
I tell myself, because I'm a relatively intelligent individual, that I've bounced back from depression before. That I know that if I hold on long enough there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I tell myself that people out there care. I tell myself that soon my life will start heading back in the direction that I want it to. I tell myself that this feeling won't last forever. But lately ... more so than ever ... everytime I start to see a glimmer of hope - some other bombshell hits.
There's a boy, who I've just started talking to. Someone who is actually a really extraordinary individual. Something I could tell almost right off the bat. And in a drunken stupor this morning, I basically told him that I didn't think I had it in me to start something again. It makes me sad, but I know myself. I know my life. I know people. I know the eventually, I'll end up back in the same place I've been so many times. And the thing is, this time I just don't know if I can deal with one more blow.
Of course I'm making many assumptions there. That something would even progress that far in the first place. And that if it did, it would end the way most of my relationships do. Cheating. Dishonesty. Heartbreak. BLAH! I'm like a walking billboard for "BLAH!"
I want to crawl under the covers and just escape for a while. For a really long while. I want so badly to just hide under the covers and be alone. NO! Strike that! I guess what I really want is for someone to crawl under the covers with me and keep me safe. I just know better than to believe in that.
BLAH!
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
4:17 PM
Wednesday, September 11, 2002
I sometimes feel a bit lost amongst my own generation. Or perhaps it's just amongst my circle of friends. Or more specifically the circle of friends I have here in Florida. Today means something to me. For many reasons and on many levels. Even had I not known anyone, or known people who knew anyone who was in the World Trade Center, I would still take it personally. Perhaps because I feel so personally connected to New York City, because it's the only place I have ever felt truly at home. I've spoken to my friends who are celebrating a year of having lost someone. I watch news features on TV that chronicle the lives of people whose lives were affected directly by that day ... and I cry. I just keep crying. For people I knew. For people who I loved. For people I've never even met before.
I look at the people around me, and they seem unconcerned. Where I was glued to the footage and memorials captured on television, my friends sat in the living room and watched "To Wong Foo..." I feel as though not only do they seem more or less unaffected, but they don't seem to even notice that I am affected by the day. Those who know me, and know that New York City was my home, where many friends and family lived haven't even managed to put together the pieces that perhaps the reason why I am so down today, and have been for the past few days is because of September 11'th. I can only think of one person who has actually asked, and it was after he put his foot in his mouth, and I sort of pointed it out to him.
But, to be certain, this isn't a day for me to feel sorry for myself or for me to need sympathy and attention. It's a day to think of those who are lost. It's a day to think of what was taken from us a year ago. And to think about what we, not just as a country, but individuals want to take BACK.
Peter and Gina and Mark, know that wherever you are I'm thinking of you today. Tommy, my thoughts and love are with you and your family. Marcia, you know I've always loved you and I'm thinking of you today too. Tom and Deidre, you know that wherever Jason is now he's a hero.
Never in my lifetime has one day left behind so many losses, but made so many heroes.
God bless you all!
8:09 PM
Thursday, September 05, 2002
Today is such a mixture of feelings. The mood I am in today, makes me think that perhaps no matter how much one has, one always wants more.
The thing I have been waiting for, for months finally happened today. I no longer have any obligation to stay in the state of Florida. They are officially "done with me" and I am free to go wherever I want. Back to New York City, if I can make it happen.
It's funny, because as ready as I have been to leave this state - I find myself slightly apprehensive now that I finally can. It's still what I want, I guess I just thought it would be a bit easier. In all likelihood, it won't be an immediate future thing. It's going to take time to get the money together, and secure everything up there, so I have something to go back to. But the possibility is finally there. The door is open and all I have to do is walk through it.
I find myself a bit down in the "love and relationships" department. Gee, that's something new. Me down in that area?... Things with "the boy" seem to have come to a stand still. I think we'll end up being friends, but regrettably, I think somehow I made a mistake during the "open window" that was there for more. Sometimes that happens, and you realize that there was a very small window of opportunity to say or do the right thing, and somehow you messed it up and now things are on a completely different path. It's odd, because when I really think about it - I don't know how "matched for a relationship" we would have been anyway. But there was something about him that made me want to at least investigate the possibility.
It seems as though whenever I do take an interest in someone, that I hear the same thing. "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now." And I can make you a bet, right here, right now dear readers. "The Boy" will follow the same pattern as everyone else. This week, when I'm the one who's interested, he "doesn't want a relationship" ... but next week, he'll be dating a dumber, but perhaps slightly cuter boy and be quite content in the wonderful new relationship. I've, unfortunately, been there way too many times.
This all brings me to the sad, but inevitable conclusion that boys do want relationships. They just don't want them with me.
Maybe one day, I'll learn why...
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
4:15 PM
Tuesday, September 03, 2002
The weekend is over. Thank goodness. I'm ready for a productive week and hopefully I'll get a lot of the things on my "to do list" done this week.
I saw something this weekend that seems to be a rare sight here in Florida. I saw a gay boy who is head over heels in love - with what he does for a living.
I had a chance to visit a new friend of mine, at the radio station he works for. After 30 minutes of watching him push buttons, fade switches, play songs and answer phone calls, I started to remember how I used to be about my career. When there was something that I loved to do so much that it gave me that same look of passion in my eyes that I saw in his. It was just a very cool thing to witness, and a very attractive quality in an individual.
Things with "the boy" took a bad turn this weekend. He's not talking to me, and I'm not sure why. I'm kind of at a crossroads. I REALLY like him. But I'm not going to play games like this. I've tried to talk to him to straighten out whatever is wrong, and he's avoided me. There's only so much of that I'm willing to take. No matter how much I might like him, I deserve a little better than to just be ignored.
Well, time to go be productive...
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
2:26 PM
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