A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Monday, June 30, 2003
(originally typed at 3:45am on 6/29)
OK, dear blog readers… a lot to report – and alas, the computers here are down. So, I’m typing my blog entry late on a Saturday night (slash Sunday morning) and am simply going to have to upload it online when the computer Gods once again decide to shine down and allow me “Internet Access” (Who do I pray to for that one?)
In my weekend recap, I’ll start with Thursday evening, as that’s where it all began. Jamie and I started the evening with a pitcher of yummy margaritas at a local Mexican haunt called “Mesa Verdi.” (I apologize to my Mexican Bloggers if I spelled this wrong … I am, after all, only a quarter Puerto Rican. ;) Anyway, after margaritas, we decided to go on a drinking tour of Portland for Happy Hour, stopping by various bars for a glass of this, or a pitcher of that. Then, in anticipation of karaoke at Somewhere at 10, we grabbed a cuple of 40’s (I love that I can get a 40 here, and not just a ghetto Florida quart) and sat in a parking lot, reminiscing about our time in Florida, our time in the Big Apple and the things that have brought us to where we are now.
Now my faithful blog readers will remember me talking about my one boy drama since I’ve been here … a ball of fluff named EJ, who turned out to be less-than-fabulous. Well, as it happened, Thursday night was EJ’s birthday, and being the kind, giving soul I am, I came to the bar prepared. We strolled in an immediately got a pitcher of Coors Lite. I walked up to where EJ was sitting, with a mug of beer in my hand. (For those of you who know me and my penchant for throwing drinks, NO – EJ didn’t end up getting a beer bath that evening.) EJ smiled as he saw me walk up, and gave me a big hug as though the other night hadn’t happened. “Happy Birthday,” I said sweetly and handed him a beer. “I got you a birthday drink,” I said as I handed the unsuspecting boy his glass of false security. He smiled and thanked me politely. “I got you’re a little present” I said in my sweetest voice. A hopeful grin passed over his greedy little face, which he quickly covered with a modest “You shouldn’t have” look. A twinge of guilt passed through me at the last minute, but my hand was already in my pocket. With his friends standing around him, uncertain what to expect, I smiled and handed him a tube of Preperation-H. “Enjoy sweetie,” I said, flashed my winning-smile, turned and walked away, leaving the boy with his friends and a dumbfounded look.
The old me was back! YEAH BABY!
A few minutes later, I got up and sang a better-than-usual rendition of my karaoke favorite “Sweet Transvestite”, and spent the rest of the night listening to people tell me I did a nice job, as EJ sat in a corner with his ass-cream. AH, the relief!
Also that night, I met a cute, sweet boy named Noah. We spent the evening chatting, and when the bar closed he asked me if I’d like to hang out at his place, and play some video games. “Video games?” I thought, “Now I haven’t heard that one before.” So off to Noah’s house we went, where I spent the next few hours watching him … play video games. Finally around 3, he crawled into bed with me, we cuddled, and fell asleep. The next morning he woke me up, and walked me out on his way to work. After I told him I knew how to get home, he made a sharp turn down another street and said “Ok, bye babe!” and walked off, never to be seen again. WEIRD!
My Friday (day) was spent recovering from a not-too-terrible hangover. Around 11pm, I was picked up for a date. My date (we’ll call him “Bryan” for blog purposes) and I went to this local beach called “Old Orchard Beach”, where we walked up and down the waterline, letting the waves come crashing up against our feet. The next day (I spent the night at his house, where he was a total gentleman) we woke up, had lunch, and went to see Charlie’s Angel’s 2. I HIGHLY recommend this as a super-fun film, which includes a cameo by Jaclyn Smith as her former ‘Angels’ character. She did everything but plug her K-Mart line, which I thought would have just been the icing on the cake. (Does she still even peddle clothes for those people?) It was a fun date, but there didn’t seem to be a huge amount of chemistry between us … a nice boy definitely – but perhaps not a love match.
11:27 AM
(continued)
The early part of Saturday evening was spent having dinner at home with Jamie, “Shawn” and Kate (Jamie’s other roommate.) After that, in anticipation of a boring and lonely Saturday night at the house, I bought and drank two 40’s of “Crazy Horse”, a wonderful malt-liquor that comes in a container that looks like Arizona Iced Tea, and only costs $1.89 per 40 ounce bottle of goodness. I drank these in about 45 minutes, while watching “Ghost Ship” with Kate.
Around 10pm, when I decided I couldn’t take one more minute of the cheesy horror flick, I decided to call this boy named Derek, who I have been chatting with on and off since I got to Portland. We have many things in common, but for some reason had yet to hang out. (Due mostly to my neglect, because I feared this boy would be one I might like, and he had eluded online to the fact that he was mostly just looking for friends and nothing more.) Well, he was having a boring Saturday night too, and decided to come hang out with me. Kate, not wanting to sit at home alone while I was off cavorting around the city, suggested I invite him upstairs and he could watch the “Sex and the City” marathon that we had already begun.
He accepted the invitation, came upstairs, bonded with Kate, and sat on the couch next to me to get engrossed in our world of Carrie Bradshaw and her NYC gal pals. He moved his 1am departure back to 1:30 because he seemed to be having a good time. (I’m not sure if he was enjoying me or Carrie- but same dif really!) Throughout the course of the evening there was some “comfort contact’ as he leaned his legs towards me, and I rested my arms on them. There were also a few of those “flirty smiles” back and forth between the two of us, which of course left me with butterflies when he finally left at 1:35. (I was a gentleman and walked him to his car.)
I came back, got the seal of approval from Kate (a tough jury) who proclaimed “He’s a cutie.” We also had some bit of discussion about the fact that he was only 17 (He’ll be 18 soon) … but I told her that the thing was that he struck me as more the type of boy I’d like to cuddle up and watch movies with, then the type of boy I’d just wanna bang. (Don’t get me wrong, dear blog readers, he’s a hottie – for sure…. But I sensed a spark. Maybe in my head, maybe not … but when I spark with someone I’m usually thinking more about a first kiss then a first f*#k!)
So now it’s Sunday morning (early) and I’m waiting for some French Fries to cook so I can stuff my face just enough to fall asleep. I’m thinking about an odd night with a boy named Noah and his video games. I’m thinking about a nice date with a sweet boy named “Bryan” who wants a boyfriend but would probably make a better friend. I’m thinking about a first meeting with a boy named Derek, who wants a friend, but would probably make a great boyfriend.
So what’s the lesson here? In a weekend full of trashy boys, nice boys, and boys with “spark potential” what is the moral of the story? Maybe no lesson. Just some great experiences, mixed with soime good feelings, a lot of interesting questions and let’s not forget a tube of ass cream!
AH – the relief!…
10:28 AM
Thursday, June 26, 2003
Ok, so I got proof that indeed I'm in a happier place... Not sure if that is geographically, mentally, or both. But I was tested...
I got my first taste of BBS (Bad Boy Syndrome) here in Maine. EJ, the boy who I had been hanging out with, and kind of liked ... (but hadn't slept with, cause I actualyl did like him) ... well apparently the word around town was right about him. (I really don't EVER listen to other people, do I?) I had gotten some bad news on Tuesday night, and was in a pretty sad place... I drank a 40 and went out alone, cause Jamie and "Shawn" were having a discussion. (Read: fight.) I was hoping EJ would be out there, because he hadn't called that day, like he said he would. And I was hoping some time with him would cheer me up.
Indeed he was there, but he was cuddled up and kissing some guy, and couldn't be bothered to look in my general direction even once.
Now, we were only casually dating if that... not even sure we had techincally reached that point. We had both definitely expressed interest in each other, but there was nothing super fast happening. I was already upset and sad, and then to see that, and be blatantly ignored... Ouch.
Jamie ended up meeting me over there, and we talked on the way back to the house (after a bring the house rendition of "Sweet Transvestite" ... YAY ME!) .. and I realized, that when this sort of thing happened to me in Florida... I'd lock myself up and be depressed for days. Weeks. Months. Years. (Ok, so I'm getting a little dramatic for effect) ... But I was fine. I was hurt a little, but it wasn't the end of the world.
It wasn't because for the first time in a while, I see some hope in my future. I see stuff that I think I can attain. And some pathetic little bratty boy bitch who didn't realize he could have had a great wonderful boy (ME... in case you were wondering, faithful blog readers!) ... well some little queen like that isn't worth me losing any sleep over.
The news I had gotten earlier (which for personal reasons, I don't really feel like sharing) was much sadder... and perhaps put things in perspective a bit.
Happier days are ahead...
And to "JS", who is now in a place where there are no blogs - "I'll always remember our great first date. Love ya."
4:03 PM
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Felt like posting the lyrics to another wonderful and touching story song by Jason Robert Brown ... this song is called "Stars and The Moon" and reminds us that sometimes, when we get what we THINK we want, we really what we're truly missing ... It was in my heart tonight, so I decided to post it for y'all to see...
I met a man without a dollar to his name
Who had no traits of any value but his smile
I met a man who had no yearn or claim to fame
Who was content to let life pass him for a while
And I was sure that all I ever wanted
Was a life like the movie stars led
And he kissed me right here, and he said,
"I'll give you stars and the moon and a soul to guide you
And a promise I'll never go
I'll give you hope to bring out all the life inside you
And the strength that will help you grow.
I'll give you truth and a future that's twenty times better
Than any Hollywood plot."
And I thought, "You know, I'd rather have a yacht."
I met a man who lived his life out on the road
Who left a wife and kids in Portland on a whim
I met a man whose fire and passion always showed
Who asked if I could spare a week to ride with him
But I was sure that all I ever wanted
Was a life that was scripted and planned
And he said, "But you don't understand —
"I'll give you stars and the moon and the open highway
And a river beneath your feet
I'll give you day full of dreams if you travel my way
And a summer you can't repeat.
I'll give you nights full of passion and days of adventure,
No strings, just warm summer rain."
And I thought, "You know, I'd rather have champagne."
I met a man who had a fortune in the bank
Who had retired at age thirty, set for life.
I met a man and didn't know which stars to thank,
And then he asked one day if I would be his wife.
And I looked up, and all I could think of
Was the life I had dreamt I would live
And I said to him, "What will you give?"
"I'll give you cars and a townhouse in Turtle Bay
And a fur and a diamond ring
And we'll be married in Spain on my yacht today
And we'll honeymoon in Beijing.
And you'll meet stars at the parties I throw at my villas
In Nice and Paris in June."
And I thought, "Okay."
And I took a breath
And I got my yacht
And the years went by
And it never changed
And it never grew
And I never dreamed
And I woke one day
And I looked around
And I thought, "My God...
I'll never have the moon."
9:49 PM
Monday, June 23, 2003
What an interesting weekend it was...
I decided to skip the Pier Dance on Friday night, for a variety of reasons. The main reason I was going to go was to see someone who was going to be there, who I've been hanging out with. (This cool boy I met down here named EJ) ... I decided that trying to find 1 fag, on a pier full of 2,000 was just unnescesarry. I ended up seeing him online when he got home, and we made plans for the next morning.
He picked me up the next day, and we went a few blocks over to a big gay pride barbeque that some friends of his were having. It was actually a combination barbeque, keg party and I had so much fun. We started drinking beer around 2 that afternoon, and didn't stop till around 9 that night. Now, thankfully I wasn't chugging beers down left and right, I was actually pacing myself. However, you can pace yourself as much as you want - but when you're drinking for 7 or 8 hours, you're still going to get a little drunk.
I met some great people, both of the lesbian and gay persuasion ... and we all went to Underground (the "gay club" here) around 9 or 10. I don't remember too much for the first hour, and then my memory picks up again, with EJ bringing me home cause I started to fall asleep at the club. YIKES!... Well, I was determined to sober up and go back, cause I wanted to hang out with him more - so Jamie and I sat in the parking lot of the nearby convenience store while I ate burritos, Doritos, and drank coffee. This sobered me up enough for the walk back over to the club, where EJ seemed happy to see me back and coherent, and after some persuading, the lesbian manager who was working the door decided to be nice and let me back in again. (Well, I don't know if NICE is the right word - but she let me back in ...)
The club was followed by a trip to Denny's (the one that, all goes well, I'll be working at soon) .. and after that EJ and I watched some episodes of Sex and The City and fell asleep. A good day, all in all ....
EJ went to Bangor with friends on Sunday, and it was going to be movie night for Jamie and I ... until a fight broke out between him and the ex (or is it current?) ...
Oddly, it's so much easier to see the destructive patterns in the relationships of others then it is/was to notice my own. He and "Shawn" (the ex's name for blog purposes, to protect the names of the guil...err...innocent) ended up getting into a fight that was definitely worthy of some of the battles that Rich and I have had. Finally, after much prodding, "Shawn" left the apartment. Jamie and I talked, and he started to get back into an ok place, so we began a movie. Two hours later, "Shawn" came back looking beaten down (a look I suspect was more for Jamie's benefit than anything) and said "I need to stay here..." Jamie, and he went in to talk ... and that was that.
I haven't seen Jamie yet to find out what happened ... but I assume it ended on a positive note. I'm trying to tow a fine line between being a concerned friend, and sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. I worry about Jamie, and I see the way this is headed... but Jamie, being this good person with a big heart, wants to try to do what he thinks is "the right thing" ... and in the long run, I fear it won't be... What's a friend to do in a situation like this?... Just be there I suppose. That's a big part of the reason I'm here.
I miss Florida less and less... Actually, that's not true - I haven't MISSED Florida since I've been here... What I should say is that I REMEMBER Florida less and less. A few more weeks, and I have to be there for a court date... But after that... well let's just say the time away has definitely given me what I wanted, and needed so badly. Perspective.
Plane ticket to NYC - $97.00. A night out in Manhattan: $60.00. Bus to Maine: $35.00. Spending time with my best friend, seeing a new city, and finally having a game plan for life: PRICELESS.
11:11 AM
Friday, June 20, 2003
Ah ... the clean fresh air in Maine provides such clarity.
OK, perhaps it's just being away from the palm trees, humidity and crackheads that provides the clarity. But indeed, the end result is clarity, so does it truly matter how it was achieved?... No, probably not.
We'll start with random news updates:
1.) I had an HIV test yesterday. It was one of those where they take a little blood from your finger (It's just going to be a "little prick" I kept saying to myself all day) and you have results in 20 minutes. As suspected, my results came back NEGATIVE. Who says positive thinking is always the best way to go! LOL - yay me!
2.) I've been in Maine for a week now, and I absolutely love it here. Portland is a beautiful town, full of lots of things to do ... and a very walker friendly city. All good things, for a boy with no car who is seeking a change of scenery.
3.) It's gay pride week in Portland. Tonight is something called the "Pier Dance" ... It's hours away, and I'm still tossing around whether or not I want to be surrounded by 2000 screaming homosexuals. Sometimes you feel like a nut ... sometimes you don't ...
4.) It's been wonderful to spend time with Jamie, see his town, meet the faces behind the names I here so much about and feel the support of a real, true friend. Something I've felt very lacking for a long time. I miss very little about Florida right now... one of the things I did miss however, was Rich. The first time I spoke to him online, excited to hear how thing were going for him - and what he had been up to ... I was greeted with the reaction "Things are so wonderful since you've been gone." ..
Something to think about ... something indeed. I'm currently evaluating my options, and making some decisions. I haven't made up my mind completely about anything yet .. so I won't post anything on here until I have. But stay tuned... perhaps some news soon.
Love to anyone who still cares to read this ... "Love the hair, hope you win!"
5:48 PM
Sunday, June 15, 2003
(The following entry was actually written on the plane to NYC on June 11'th, but I'm just posting it online now):
Why is it that I always have the misfortune of looking like shit when I come across somebody that I want to flirt with? At 10:30 at night, when I'm running to the grocery store for some banana chips and a carton of juice? At the buttcrack of dawn, when I'm going to get a paper, a cup of coffee and some smokes? Or, as is the case as I write this: when I'm in "bummy travel attire" and sitting next to a cute boy on an airplane headed north?
Havnig checked myself in the tiny airplane bathroom mirror, not once, but twice I finally came to the conclusion that I'm just not looking cute enough to even attempt to "kick some game" ... Never do these cute boys present themselves when I'm wearing a hottie little outfit, my hair is stylin, and I look like I've actually had some (gasp) beauty sleep.
Now... don't get me wrong. I've made a few attempts at conversation with this boy anyway ... I even gave up my window seat, which he was already sitting in when I boarded. He politely thanked me and went back to his book.
The nosey me has also been peeking over everytime he opens his CD case, hoping it's contents might give away the answer to that burning question: 'Does he like boys or girls?' So far, the only two CD's my bad eyes have been able to read titles from were "Pink" and the soundtrack to "Sister Act 2" ... Do straight boys own those CD's?
So, what have I learned from this little experience?
1.) Never fly looking less than fabulous.
2.) Get contacts so I can be nosier with more ease.
3.) If all else fails, a glass or two of wine, and dammit - I'd have passed out my number to everyone on the plane...
...well maybe not that scary looking old indian woman. They don't serve the hard liquor on JetBlue.
Ahh....the dangers of flying!!!
3:18 AM
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
Well ... tommorrow is the big day. I take off out of Florida and begin what will hopefully be a much needed, drama-free couple of weeks. First stop NYC: I'm set to see all of my dearest friends there who I haven't seen in forever. Ben. Kristina. Ari. Samara. Tim. Hopefully, Tom ... and a few others ... It's going to be great. Piano bar night at the Duplex with my peeps! YAY!
The the next day, it's a bus to Boston where I meet up with my best friend Jamie ... I CAN'T WAIT ... The plan is that he and his friend are going to pick me up in Boston, and off to Maine we go ... Then Saturday it's back to Boston for gay pride day there. And then back to Maine to see what it is that Maine has to offer.
WOO-HOO!
I'm really so excited... I'm flying alone tommorrow, which I detest. I hate flying as it is actually (and that dates back to WAY before 9/11) ... so I'll probably have a few cocktails at the airport before flying ... and a glass or two of wine on the plane. I always have to fly with at least a little bit of a buzz. LOL
Decided against telling the 'rents that I'm going on vacation. Dad didnt' think it was the best idea in the world, and I just don't feel like hearing it from him ... No negativity gonna ruin this vacation!
So - Bon Voyage to me ... I'll write from another city soon!
6:36 PM
Monday, June 09, 2003
Two and a half days and counting.
I'm really looking forward to my trip. I think it's gonna be a lot of fun ...and put me in a really good place to get done what I need to over the next few months.
Boy update: So he never called and we never ended up hanging out tonight. But I saw him online... we may hang out tommorrow. Guess we'll see about that one.
I watched part of the Tony's tonight... really made me miss NY ... can't wait to be there and see everyone on Wednesday...
OK, well that's it for tonight... Write more in tommororw... Vacation update and boy update! Stay tuned... ;)
12:38 AM
Saturday, June 07, 2003
Four days and counting...
Wednesday afternoon I take off out of Florida and land in the Big Apple. I spend the night there, then Thursday it's off to Boston to meet up with Jamie, explore Bean-town (I've never been there before) ... and then off to Maine - another first and sure to be an interesting getaway.
I'm looking forward to it soooooo much! Getting away from all the crazy things and crazy people down here... this depression that I've been in and out of. Getting to spend some time with Jamie and talk and talk and talk ... and probably be a little stupid too.
The plan is to go to Boston for gay pride too ... which should be another exciting adventure. Gay pride in a city I've never been to before... Lord knows what to expect from that. But again ... something different. A whole lot of something different for a little while. And I think that when I come back to Florida, I'll have a whole new perspective and be able to tackle whatever the next few months have in store for me.
Here's hoping...
Be well and be fun!... Or at least just be!!!
5:24 PM
Friday, June 06, 2003
Sometimes... I ... well I guess we all do ... but we get so lost,or overwhelmed or swept up in the major occurences of our lives... the breakups, the fights with friends, the big "drama" that sometimes becomes a part of all of our lives, that some fairly simple, but extremely wonderful experiences are missed out on ... or not fully appreciated.
I've been depressed a lot lately, but in the most unexpected and simplest of things I got a great deal of joy.
I hung out with this boy... we'd talked online, but ya know ... that happens. The conversation was one of those that you have every so often online. Where the chemistry is there... you're clicking ... there's enough "inuendo" to keep it just a little spicey ... And before you know it you're saying "Why don't we meet?" So often these meetings (and I'm talking not just from experience but from observation) get turned into hook-ups and you end up adding them to "that column" on your buddy list. (OK - maybe we don't ALL have those...) Nonetheless, I was intruiged with this boy ... and decided "Let's see..." And instead of stripping down to underwear immediately after meeting, the meeting actually continued some of the fun-spirited conversation and playfulness that was present online ... while of course drinking a couple of beers (OK, Smirnoff IcE) and watching random television.
I was reminded as we went back and forth .. as we traded sly glances... as we probably both wondered, even a small secret bit, what the other thought of us ... So simple... but so wonderful that completely new, completely unissue-filled first flirting that makes us feel almost like we're back in high school again. There's no undying declarations of love, but also no painful memories or hidden feelings ... just two boys, meeting for the first time... testing the waters... flirting ... teasing ... and yes, eventually kissing.
OK, an AMAZING kisser I'll tell that much. And although talk on the computer had somewhat reached the topic of sex... the evening didn't. It felt like it would have ruined it. This night where it was just neat to be there... to be a little insecure... to feel a little sexy ... to kiss someone who you've never kissed before, and don't know if you'll kiss again ... but oh, you can't wait to find out. To say goodnight after a fun evening, instead of after putting back on your underwear and saying "Oh yeah sure ... you need to get going ..." To watch this cute boy walk out the door ... knowing that you'll be a dork and call the next day, when you know you should wait at least two. To know that this may or may not be somebody who will surprise you. The curiousity if you'll hang out again. Wondering if they're as anxious to hang out with you again or if maybe you're just bein silly. The smile on your face when their name shows up on caller ID and that silly thing we ALL do when we answer the call and pretend to be surprised, and maybe a bit bored by their call. (Damned if we're gonna let them know we ran to the phone as soon as it rang) ...
With all of us having gone through the painful breakups, the serious commitments, the awkward stages.... How often we lose, or don't appreciate this part that's so completely innocent ... that could turn into something or fizzle into nothing. Get this ... he says "Rock on!" almost as much as I do! LOL ... yeah, silly little things ... big smile.
Oh, and for the record ... I called. He called back ... Busy the next few nights... he suggested that he was free Sunday.
"Oh, that might be cool..." I said casually. "Let me know..."
5:54 PM
I seem to be on this kick of posting songs ... Well, in that spirit I came across a CD I hadn't heard in a really long time. An on it, there's this song that I've always loved... it's from this amazing musical theater writer named Jason Robert Brown. He took a bunch of songs from unfinished musicals of his and put them together on an album called "Songs For a New World" ... It's just the most amazing album I own. And this song, is about someone who sees everyone else around her as being afraid ... but doesn't realize that she's probably more afraid that anyone.
Jenny's afraid of water, I'm mean she swims so well but still... she's afraid of water. And she won't go near the sea. Not me.
Katie's afraid of darkness, I mean she sleeps and all but still ... she's afraid of darkness. So when the lights are out she has to hold my hand. I don't understand.
I'm not afraid of anything. Be it mountains, water dragons, dark or sky. I'm not afraid of anything. Tell me where's the challenge if you never try. So watch me fly. I'm not afraid.
Daddy's afraid of babies. I mean he got through me but now, he's afraid of babies. Guess he's scared of what they'll be... not me.
And mama's afraid of crying. You know she tries to hold it in, but she's afraid of crying. And she can look at me with tears stuck in her eye. And I don't know why.
I'm not afraid of anything. Be it growing old or going out of style. I'm not afraid of anything. Who would give up what they want without a trial? Another mile. I'm not afraid.
And I feel the calling of adventure, and I hear the ringing in my ear. The lights are glaring. Trumpets blaring. I'm right here. And I hear the calling of tomorrow, and I feel the stirring in my bones. And David loves me ... he's afraid to hold me.
Listen to the calling of excitement, can you feel the pounding of my heart? The lights are ready ... pulse is steady. I can start.
Never stop the calling of a challenge, blessing on the water and the stories. And David loves me...he's afraid to tell me. David loves me... he's afraid to trust me. He's afraid to hold me. And he'll always be. He's afraid of me... and I'm not afraid of anyone. I am sure to win with anyone at all. I'm not afraid of anyone...
...not a soul alive can get behind this wall ... so let them call. And watch them fall. Cause after all ...
...I'm not afraid.
12:50 PM
Thursday, June 05, 2003
I've always been a showtune kind of boy. It's not just cause I'm a fag... but the reason I like them so much is because quite often the lyrics speak to me. I feel as though I can relate to a song... that it rings true to me. Well, I've found a pop song that I think describes me better than any showtune I've found... and so, I think I'll post the lyrics ... even though I'm sure you all know them...
I never win first place, I don't support the team. I can't take direction and my socks are never clean. Teachers dated me, my parents hated me. I was always in a fight. Cause I can't do nothing right.
Every day I fight a war against the mirror ... can't stand the person staring back at me..
I'm a hazard to myself. Don't let me get me. I'm my own worst enemy. It's bad when you annoy yourself, so irritating, don't want to be my friend no more. I wanna be somebody else.
NY (changing that part) told me you'll be a TV star (that part too) ... all you have to change, is everything you are. Tired of being compared to damn Brittany Spears (ok, so it's no ALL perfect) .. she's so pretty, that just ain't me. So doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe me something ... a day in the life of someone else... I'm a hazard to myself.
Blah ... that's me. A hazard to myself.
5:53 PM
Monday, June 02, 2003
Today I asked Rich to be happy for me simply because I was doing something that made me happy. I guess that was too much to ask.
Today I asked Missy to take five minutes to call me because I had something important I wanted to tell her because she was one of the few people I cared enough about to want to know. I guess that was too much to ask.
Today I asked someone to let me sleep in my own bed alone for the first time in days. I guess that was too much to ask.
Today I asked my dad for something other than money. I asked him to support me doing something that has actually made me feel hopeful, optmistic and happy for the first time in I can't even remember how long. I guess that was too much to ask.
Today I asked myself to name just one reason why I'm still holding on...
10:58 PM
OK ... I don't quite know how to calm down enough to explain this. The weirdest thing. I have this feeling ... I almost didn't recognize it. It was so strong ... and I hadn't felt it .. not really felt it in so long...
I'm happy.
I'm actually happy.
Ok, I suppose an explanation is warranted. Well it starts with sadness, and I feel guilty that what precipitated my happiness is not only someone else's sadness, but my best friends sadness. I'm not exactly sure that sadness is the word. But there will be plenty of time to discuss that. You see... what's making me happy is that I am going to get on a plane in a few days and I'm going to Maine. I'm going to Maine for three weeks. I'm going to spend three weeks in Maine with my best friend ... and at the end of that time... Well either I'm hoppin on a plane and comin back with a brand new attitude... or hopping on a bus with Jamie and helpin him move back here.
First it's just going to be great to see my best friend and spend some time with him. I think he and I could both use it right here... I'm hoping maybe we can help each other figure out some things. Get some perspective. All that good stuff... I'm not going on this trip to solve my problems... I'm a smart boy... I know better. But I know that getting away, and getting myself together and spending some time in a better environment is certainly going to put me in a better place to do the things that I need to do..
I'm happy.... WOW! One good choice ... now let's see if I can make a few more. LOL - Baby steps...
2:18 PM
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