A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Saturday, August 30, 2003
So it's been almost a week since I've updated this... It's been a fairly interesting week, although nothing earthshattering.
I've been hanging out with, and getting to know Erik with a k. The only problem is that I've discovered his name isn't actually spelled with a K, it's also spelled with a C. So now I'm stuck trying to think of a new Blog name for him. I've decided to settle on Seymour for no real reason. It just sounds fun ...
So ... Seymour and I have been hanging out ... and he's actually very cool. He said that he isn't good at calling people back, a habit I intend to break him of, should anything with us turn into more than a passing fancy. He has the most beautiful eyes and smile I have ever seen... he's very guarded and careful but also very funny and charming. I have a good time hanging out with him.
I spent the night Wedsneday night and then Thursday morning we got up, went to brunch, went to the mall, tanned, hung out ... and then met up with Jamie and Joanna for Joanna's birthday celebration. We had a good time, and he seemed to get along well with them. It was sad in a way, cause it will be one of the last times that Jamie, Jo and I all go out together for a while at least. But it was a good night. I got a bit too intoxicated, but word is Eric handled me pretty well, and even stayed the night here with me. Good people to be sure.
He came into my work today with his friend and hung out ... then took me home. We're going to a party toninght that the cool chick from work is having. It's her birthday.
Joanna called last night from Old Orchard Beach around 11, to tell us that she was engaged! Her boyfriend had propsed to her on her birthday ... wow, romance truly can work out, huh? CONGRATULATIONS JOANNA! I luv ya!
I need to do some laundry, and rest up before this party tonight, as I fear it might have me up most of the night... well, if luck is on my side it will.
That's about all the posting I have in me today ... Smell ya later everyone!
5:18 PM
Sunday, August 24, 2003
Alright folks ... yesterday we had a rather sad, touching blog entry. Today's is going to be a little more "dishy" so to speak. There's a story (it has nothing to do with a lovely lady) ... and it's a rather intricate story ... involving 2 people with one name, and people with another name... and I like to call this little story today's installment of "The Gays Of Our Lives" ...
So Friday night, after being stood up by Eric, I decided to finally meet and hang out with this guy who I have talked to online for a while who seems nice enough and also lives right down the street. He came over to watch TV, and ended up falling asleep here. We had talked and hung out a little before he passed out and I thought, "Wow - this guy is kind of groovy." To make things more confusing his name is also Erik. (Erik with a K though, not with a C) So Erik with a k tells me that since I've never been to Ogunquit before, that I should go with him on Saturday night. I think "Wow, neat... I get to go to this silly little gay party town with this kewl boy I just met - sounds like good times..." So I plan, and I'm all excited about it. Eric with a c stops by Saurday afternoon for all of 5 minutes, but seems very distant... I start to think I should just let this go, even though he told me the other night he loves me. He was drunk, and he may have said it - but I don't think he felt it. So I get all gussied up to go out ... the weather has gotten cold again, so I can wear some of my more favorite outfits. Well, then this boy named Nick IM's me. Now history on Nick: I used to talk to him online ... and it turns out he was also talking to Eric with a c online too... which we discovered while chatting one night. They had hung out, but I'm not sure if there was any interest beyond that ... as Nick was rather elusive. Well out of the blue, Nick IM's me and asks me if I know Erik with a K, cause they were supposed to go to Ogunquit that night and he lost his # ... Right then, I should have resolved myself to a night of movies at home and some Papa John's ... But instead I saw the positive, and decided I'd get to meet groovy Nick as well ... I fished for information, and Nick said there was nothign between him and Erik with a K ... they had just met and were friends... that's all.
So... Erik shows up really late to get me, and as I walk to the car - I see that it's packed with people. Some girly looking boy in the front seat with REALLY long hair (I later discovere his name is also Nick, he works with Erik with a k and is just coming out of the closet) ... a girl in the back seat named Ann, and the infamous Nick. I hadn't known all these people were going, or I would have put myself more in party group mode then in "excited to hang out with some boy named Erik with a K mode" ... But I try to make the best of it ... they all seem fairly groovy.
Erik with a k doesn't talk to me too much throughout the night... or maybe that's just how I feel... I keep wondering if he's interested in girly Nick, as he seems to spend most of his attention on him ... I constantly seek attention throughout the night, like the little attention whore I can be sometimes...and I get little of it...
On the way home, the group chat turns to sex... and somehow to cuddling where Nick (from online) mentions that Erik with a K is a good cuddler ... I shoot him a look as he had said that nothig like that ever happened with them... I decide since I'm a little toasty and in a rather bitchy mood to comment. I say "Oh, I thought you wouldn't have known that..." I give him a glare. I continue: "I think he's an ok cuddler... I've had better." SIGH ... Kevin, Kevin, Kevin ... Silly silly boy!
The others fairly ignore this exchange, and I ask Erik with a K if he wants to stay at my place that night and hang ... he says he doesn't know ... I keep kinda grabbing him from the back seat... nudging his side.. being playful. And when you do that to someone in a group, they're supposed to subtley acknowledge you with a look .. a glance... a funny smile... it's your little private thing ... But no... each time I do it he publicly says something ... I take this to be a bad sign.
The party wagon cruises down th3e highway and I doze off... I wake up with the car parked in front of my building. Everyone else is still in the car. I was the first to be dropped off. I take this as a bad sign.
I walk upstairs ready to bitch about such things and I see Jamie lying on the couch and Kate in the kitchen on the computer. "Jamie ..." I call out.
I look closer. "Jamie?" I ask again, now uncertain.
I walk closer.
Eric with a c is passed out on the couch.
"How did he get here?" I ask Kate.
"He came over to see you, and passed out waiting... I think he threw up tonight ... take care of him."
I do.
...And these are the Gays Of Our Lives...
12:42 PM
Saturday, August 23, 2003
3 years ago I was going through a very rough time in my life. A lot of personal issues were engulfing me and I was a very depressed young man. My friend Dyana, who I had known since our teen years in PA had suggested "Hey, why don't you come to Florida and live here for a while... you and I can have such a good time and then when you're back to your old self, you can go back to New York City." This sounded like a good idea at the time ... or more to the point, sounded like a good escape at the time.
A week after I had been there, she met this boy whom she began dating. One month later she broke the news to me that she was moving with him up north. I was in bad shape, wounded, and in a new place where I had no job, friends or for that matter anything solid. She left, and I started on the path that led me to 3 years of pain, drugs, sex, new experiences, jail and depression that became my Florida life. Ironically, I don't know if I would trade those experiences, because they taught me how strong I really am. I did meet Rich there, and my experiences with him shaped me a lot, and that's a person who will always be a part of my life and my heart. There were others who I still hold dear to me from Florida ... but it's a short list. But ... Iguess the biggie is that I also met Jamie in Florida. My best friend in the entire world. Something I wouldn't trade, even to clear away all of the bad that happened. You live you learn.
Now flash forward three years, to present day life. Jamie opens a door for me... gives me an oppurtinty to finally make the escape that I have been needing to make ... brings me to a place where I feel strong again. Where I have a job that I like and do well at ... a real beginning ... not an escape route.
The differences in these two moves is like night and day...
...that's why the other night, when Jamie took me out for margaritas to break some news to me, I didn't at all view it as the same situation.
In an effort to make a "firm go of his relationship", he and Seth have decided to go to Arizona for 6 months. They leave in 12 days.
My first reaction to this news was simple, and perhaps somewhat predictable if you know me well. I summoned the waitress over, asked for another margarita, a draft beer and a shot of tequilla. This was going to be no ordinary night out.
My second reaction was again selfish as I wondered (both silently at first, then aloud) "What about my birthday?"
Jamie says he won't miss it ... that he'll be on a plane to NYC and will spend it with me... I hope this happens. Not by his choice but by circumstance. This is a big one for me. Not because it's a round # ... but it feels like a liberating one... the begginning of a new year in my life that I think may hold lots of promise.
Selfishly, I'm going to miss the hell out of him. It was so wonderful to be living in the same city with him again after all this time. To have that rock here helped cement my place in this town. But that place does feel cemented. I don't "need Jamie"... I want him here... I want him around me ... I want to be there and around for him ... But I don't "need" him to be here.
I need for him to make a good choice. Unfortunately I find myself unable to advise him on this one. I see both good and bad to it... and I'm not sure if a final opinion from me woud just be based on selfish reasons, or would be able to be a clear view of things. And with that uncertainty, I can't offer a firm "Good idea" or "Bad idea" stamp.
All I can do is what he ALWAYS does for me... be there... support him ... and if he needs anything, give it to him.
I'm going to cry so hard that day... I know I will... Hell, I almost am now. But the person that I am finally becoming again, is a product of his friendship and assistance, mixed with my underlying spirit.
They offered for me to come with them. He said they made this decision with every intention of taking me with them if that's what I chose. But I don't want to leave where I'm at right now. I don't want to be somewhere else... I want to be on the road I'm on. I'll still have my best friend. He'll still have me. No amount of time or distance can or will ever change that.
You always think your soulmate is that person who you're supposed to fall in love with ... I think mine is my best friend ... and so, a little piece of my soul will go with him to Arizona, and stay with him until he returns. But the rest of me has a day job and just can't get the time off.
Much love to my best friend ... much love and luck to him ...
6:40 PM
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
Well ... the fact that I haven't blogged in almost a week is because it's been eventful. And as is always the case, busy means no time to blog. Out there living life instead of writing about it ... so ... time to start reporting on the events of the past week... Now, I'm more or less just gonna give a play by play, and it probably won't be one of those "witty, well written blog entries" ... but we'll see what happens...
Thursday was quite eventful. As I had Friday off, I decided to go out Thursday night. At the last minute, Jamie bailed, and so I was left going out alone. Well, not alone - instead I went with Brad, this kinda weird, but kinda kewl boy who has a crush on Jamie ... Gee, join the club. Anyway - so I was in a pissy mood cause Eric was ignoring me, and so I got a little drunk. People were buying me pitchers, and a boy just can't say no to bought booze, now can he?
So.. the memory gets hazy at the bar - and I don't actually remember leaving it.... In fact, I don't remember anything until my memory STARTS to pick up again, around 4:30 in the morning, as I'm in some random far away part of Portand, and I'm being yelled at by two cops. That encounter isn't entirely a clear memory, and the memories don't get full again until I'm walking around (cause they had woken me up and made me leave) trying to find my way home. Finally I found two people delivering newspapers, who told me how to find my street. I finally did, only to realize I was clear on the other end of it... I found a 7-11, and called Eric. He didn't answer, but as I was ranting into the machine ("Help Kevin pleeeease...") Kelly, his tres kewl lesbian roomie picks up. I tell her what happened, and she says "Ok, I know where you are - I'll be there in 5."
So she came and picked me up, and took me to their house. She and I had a talk, where she told me that Eric has basically been dicking her over. And told me some other stories about him ... I then went and crawled into bed with him (he didn't wake up) and passed out cudding with him. The next morning I wake up, and he's not in the bedroom. Ireflect on my conversation with Kelly and decide it's time for me to protect myself before he dicks ME over too. So I find pen and paper in the bedroom and leave him a note: "Eric - I just can't do this anymore. I don't feel like you really have anything invested in this ... or want it to go anywhere, and i think I need to get out before I start caring too much. You're a wonderful person, and I'm sorry but I just don't see you making the effort that I need right now. Take care of yourself kiddo. Kevin." I left the note on his bed, and walked into the living room, where he was laying on the couch. I kissed his forehead and said "Bye baby..." (Me = Drama Queen some days) and left.
That day, I started talking to my new friend Tim, who I had met at the bar and is friends with Eric. He's also the hottest boy in the entire world, who I have so much in common with. He is also very mad about the boy he's dating ... So I quickly decided that this should just be a friendship - as he seems like a wonderful person who I would like to have in muh life ... and since he seems like he actually does care about the boy HE is dating. Well Tim tells me I should work on the thing with Eric, that he's a good guy. That my note hurt him ... and blah blah blah... I try talking to Eric, but he ignores me. I cry and bitch more to Tim ... he suggests we have a boys night and I offer to introduce him to Sex and The City and he offers to cook for me ... we decide on Saturday ... his boyfriend was out of town - and he was going to be sad and lonely.
Saturday night comes ... I get all cuted up (Hey, even though he's a friend - I can't go over and have dinner with a hottie without lookin kinda studly...) and go over. He proceeds to cook possibly the best meatloaf and mashed potato dinner EVER - adn we start watching SATC. It was sad, cause I kinda sensed chemistry that might have been explored, had he not had a boyfriend and I not be all worried and sad over Eric... but I made the decision that night to let my obligatory temporary crush n him die - cause again, GOOD FRIEND POTENTIAL. Well ... a party ends up happening at his house that night - and I get shitfaced fuckin drunk ... I wake up the next morning on the living room floor and Pink (another friend of Tim's, mine ANd Eric's) is there too - she takes me home, as I work at 3 in the afternoon...That night I come home from work, still having not talked to Eric. I sign online, he IM's me ... and we decide to hang out. We spend the night together watching movies, and have no sex. This is fine... it's not about jsut that for me... and I like cuddling with him a lot.
Monday we also spend the night together... no sex, but another fun night.
Tuesday he IM's me when I get home from work, and we decide to hang out again ... I go over around 5, and him me and Josh (another friend and boy who dated Eric before I did ... if that's what we're doing that is) cook dinner and watch movies. Then Josh goes home, and for the first time ever, Eric and I go out to the bar TOGETHER. (After he spends a good hour online ignoring me as i sit in his living room with Kelly) ... we have a fun night out, but I get wasted. The next morning I wake up still kinda drunk and way too late... it's 6:45am and I have to work at 7am. YIKES... I high tail it home (we spent last night at his house) ... and call work to say I'll be late (my first time doing that) ... I shower quickly and call a cab ... I get to work by 8, and no one seems terribly upset. I make a mental note to not make a habit of this and then I start a very busy very gut wrenching day.
During this day, I'm standing outside smoking a cigarette... and a delivery truck is being unloaded. One of the drivers asks me "Are you from PA?..."
"Yes."
"Lancaster?"
"Yes."
"CV High school?"
"Yes."
"We went to high school together."
The last this boy had heard, I was in NYC, acting on TV shows and such ... now he runs into me working at Denny's in Maine. I try not to let this bother me...
Later, I come home - exhausted, and as I'm trying to "rub one out" - there's a knock at the door ... it's Eric and he's drunk. He stays for a few minutes, tells me to come out tonight and leaves to go back to the bar where he left another friend of ours waiting.
I then sit down to blog... and now dear blog readers... you know what's gone on in the past week. *sigh*
I'm tired... am I going out tonight? Do I want pizza delivered? Do I still want to pursue something with Eric? His ex is coming up for the weekend... that will no doubt be a non-platonic visit. Do I care? Do I want to? Is my cool new friend Tim going to get me some coke tonight so I can break my Portland drug virginity (weed doesn't count) ...? *sigh* So many questions...
So I pick up the phone to get answers. I dial a # ... They answer.
"Radio Shack. You got questions, we got answers..." The polite voice says.
I read him my list of questions I have just typed on my blog.
He hangs up on me.
HMPH!
7:20 PM
Thursday, August 14, 2003
Do you ever have that dream
where you're walking naked down the street
and everyone just stares
Do you ever feel so deep
that you speak your mind
to put others straight to sleep
You wonder if anybody cares
Sometimes I think I'm the only one
whose day turned out unlike it had begun
And I feel bare naked
And I just can't take it
I'm getting jaded
No I just can't fake it anymore
'Cuz I'm bare naked
And I know life's what you make it
Wish I could float away
to some other day...
9:11 PM
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
So ... Jamie and Seth had a big fight last night that resulted in some things that just shouldn't be said. I had to hold Jamie back at one point - and that was for his sake not Seth's ... I still don't dislike Seth ... but they need to be away from each other. Seth moves out this weekend. He's packing boxes now.
It'll be the best thing... I think all parties know that.
Eric and I got into a fight last night... well it was kind of a fight. I really like him. I like him a lot... and I think I'm just going to go for it. I'm going to just put myself out there and see if it works. Hurt sucks, but we never find the good stuff without having to go through the bad first. Maybe it's due time for some good.
I'm enjoying my second day off in a row - tommorrow it's back to work. YAY! Money, money, money! ;)
If I make enough, we're gonna do something super-fun this weekend - me and Jamie! I don't know what yet - but I'll think of something brilliant! LOL
I feel like singing "Maybe This Time" again ... perhaps I'll download it ...
5:11 PM
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
I just never really know ...
I'm at his house now. He's on the phone.
I like him ... and things feel so good ...
last night was a big misunderstanding... and we ended up spending the night together cuddling and he took me to work today ...
I like this boy, and I'm not sure what the reasons are ... but I'm so happy being with him ....
But... and there is always a but ... or a butt... lol
But... I feel like he's only mildly interested in me ... that I'm perhaps on a list of potentials, and dear blog readers ... you know me ... when I like someone, I like THEM .... so protection device is saying "Danger Will Robinson ... Danger..."
I like him though ... and I guess it's worth the gamble.
Other subjects... I only made $65 at work today .... which I guess isn't bad ... but I have the next two days off.,.. would have been nice to have more to play with ... but oh well...
Life is good. It's still life, so it will kick your ass somedays.... But it's still a lot better then when I lived in this little burg called Tampa...
I thank Jamie every day for helping me make this big, and wonderful change.... I love you J ...
Alright... back to the boy....
Love the hair, hope you win! ;)
2:15 AM
Monday, August 11, 2003
Why is it so difficult to just find somebody who feels the same way. Same level. Same whatever...
Is it a lot to want to just want someone to want me ... want me back... and want me enough to not want other guys.
I'm not "dating" Eric... but I guess I'd like to. I guess I'd like him to find the idea of hanging out with me to maybe be enough sometimes. To be the one he thinks about during the day and talks to his friends about. Like I guess he is to me right now ... And I'm a dork, but that's besides the point.
I just IM'd him, and some random person who was on his screen name, told me he was off getting "Shawn's" car at UG ... (whoever that is, I can only imagine) ... and now I'm all sad and mopey...
We had a nice day today ... he picked me up from work ... we hung out ... laughed... I cooked dinner for him and me and Jamie and Seth ... it was a kewl time ... But he had to go around 8 ...
I'm doing my best to just stay detached ... but how do you when you're talking about someone who just makes you feel all silly and happy and goofy when you're with them?... It's much easier in theory... I guess it's a trade off. I have to decide if the fun I feel hanging out with him, is enough to warrant the inevitable hurt I have coming. He's a wonderful boy, don't get me wrong ... But I guess in my heart, I feel ... maybe I know ... that I'm not his "it guy" ...
Sometimes it would be nice to be right about things... other times, it would be really nice to be wrong.
2:58 AM
Friday, August 08, 2003
OK ... so he likes me. I'll give him that. But he doesn't know himself that well right now. I see in him that he likes me ... but he can't do what I need right now, which is invest the time and the chance into getting to know me better and to spending time with me... OK, to babying me a little. Whatever. I'm human.
I made a big mistake tonight. I need to learn that I'm not the type who can go through with truly hurtful things. It's not in me ... unless I've been screwed over bad ... but I don't feel screwed over by Eric... I just get happy to be with him. I just get sad when he doesn't want to see me. I just get stupid ... But then tonight he looked at me... he looked at me with total apology. Not for the silly issue that started this, but for the fact that he didn't think it was going to work out ... and he was sad about that.
Someone else liked me... and I couldn't go through with using them to make him jealous. They didn't even stand a chance, cause I was way too focused on just Eric. I hope that I didn't hurt this guy's feelings. He was a sweet boy... But - who knows in actuality... one never does.
So ... I guess I just wait. He must make the next move.
On the upside I will be making mad cash this weekend at work and can pay back Jamie, and be all good with money for a while...
I just wish that I had that part that makes it all even more groovy... the boy who gives me butterflies.
1:25 AM
Thursday, August 07, 2003
I learned something tonight. Apparently, I'm not worth taking 10 steps.
UGH. Well ... stuff happened, and I guess things with "the kisser" (I've decided to start calling him Eric on here... as it's his name) and I seem to have gone south. It's a long story ... but he did something that hurt my feelings. He says he doesn't want to get too attached to me, and was starting to. But what he did was something that seems more like it was the other way around ...
I don't know. Part of me wants to pull away ... to get out before I get really hurt. But then part of me ... that part that sees the good in people says "Hold on ... don't give up just yet."
I honestly don't know what to do ... I want him to make an effort. I want him to do something to show me that he is interested enough to fight to make it work. He says he is... he says he really likes me... So I asked him to walk out his front door, come downstairs and just give me a kiss goodnight. Let's end the night that way, instead of both hurt and confused. But he couldn't take "the steps" ...
I ended it by leaving a rose and a note on his jeep ... the note said that I wouldn't give up on him yet, because I know how he feels ... but that the ball was in his court. He signed on and thanked me ... I guess we'll see how much of an effort he makes.
I have to work soon ... blah!...
Most of the time, I feel like Cari from Sex and The City ... but every now and then I feel like Charlotte ... in the episode where she goes to see the motivational speaker and the woman tells her "Maybe you're not really putting yourself out there." Cari gets up and stands up for her, saying "You're wrong. She puts herself out there. She tries. She's OUT THERE."
I put myself out there... I get hurt time after time, and it gets me for a while... but I put myself out there.
Cari ended the episode by dedicating her book, "To my good friend Charlotte York. An eternal optimist, who ALWAYS believes in love."
Yeah ... how long till even the most optimistic person gets their spirit crushed?...
It was only 10 little steps... *sigh*
5:48 AM
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
OK ... so we all know that drinking tends to... make me a little... uhm ... chatty.
LOL - So last night was my going out night, as today is my only day off for a while... I knew "The Kisser" was going to be out ... and I was excited to see him. I got to the bar, and he seemed to be dancing with, and pretty touchy feely with this one guy. I got sad, and told Jamie and Seth that I was all depressed ... I went from being happy and excited to being all sad and mopey.. .But then - I remembered something. I remembered I'm Kevin. And I fight. So I saw him go into the bathroom with his kick ass lesbian roomie ... and I decided it was time to act. I stood in the hallway, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom - grabbed him, told her he needed a minute - and reminded that boy what a good kisser I was ... reminded him for a few minutes standing there.
"I see you're kinda hangin with somebody else - and you can go do that... but first you're going to kiss me. And when you leave here tonight, I'M the one you're hanging out with later." I said.
Both prophecies came true. Perhaps self-fulfilling. We drove and talked for a while ... and I confessed that I liked him ... and told himi all about my silliness ... the things I'd thought and done and shit cuz of my silly crush. And he responded by saying ... 'I like you too stupid!' ...
It seems good ... he seems sincere. We talked... I dunno ... I dig him ... I really do ... I still can't make it be more than it is ... and we talked a lot last night, so I feel like I know him better... and perhaps feel better about things. I think it's a boy I could date. I think I'm a boy he could date. Now we'll see if we actually WILL date or not ... time will tell.
I spent the night for the first time last night. We cuddled. It rocked. He kinda rocks....
OH ... he knew I thought the "baby" thing was cute... It can't be cute anymore. He knows. LOL - sigh ... I have a crush. ;)
10:04 AM
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
OK - so I TOTALLY love my job. I'm good at it, the tips are AMAZING ... I like the people ... I like the place. I don't have all this free time to sit around and dwell on boys, and mistakes made, and lives lived... I'm doing something that I enjoy that will get me to the next phase of my life which will be even better.
Happy happy happy!
I can't at all begin to describe the change I've felt since I've been working. How much better I feel about everything.
Tommorrow is my first day off, and last for a while - so Jamie and I are going out to Somewhere tonight for a little karaoke and beer lovin' ...
"The Kisser" and I haven't spoken since Sunday afternoon. I think that he's lost interest and that's sad... I dig him - I really do. But it's funny, cause now that I'm working ...and I feel better about other things... I feel more like that's something that will be easier to handle. Make no mistake, it's not that i dig him less... But I have better coping skills now.
I talked to Rich today online for a while. It was a positive conversation and I'm so glad I did talk to him. He's doing well, although he has Tara living with him. I find that to be soooo ironic and funny ... but he said if she's not gone soon, he was going to: (and I quote) drug her food, and set off a roach bomb before he leaves for work.
LOL - I miss him ... and I got an email from Holmes today too ... one of my dear friends who regularly reads this blog. So a big shout out to you Holmes ... I love you, I miss you - and I can't wait to see you again soon.
I'm working on birthday plans already ... 9/27 is coming up soon - I'm planning a NYC trip to celebrate it ... So looking forward to that.
Life is good ... I'm happy.... I'll write more soon!
7:33 PM
Sunday, August 03, 2003
I've realized recently that there's a line I blur quite often. My judge of character and personality and my cynicism.
I used to be such a great judge of character. Now we're talking before the emotional turmoil that led me to Florida 3ish years ago. But back when I was in NYC ... I could tell almost instantly whether or not a boy was someone I should pursue of if I should keep a distance. Then, over time I made so many bad choices ... whether it would be getting attached to someone who should just be kept in the "casual sex" department, or actually dating someone and finding out that everything I thought I knew about them was false.
Well ... a long time of that has led me to a rather cynical place. Now it's weird, cause I'm still an optimistic cynic, if you can put your brain around that one ... But what happens is that now everytime I meet a cool boy, who I think I might like - I find myself giving self-warnings from the beginning. Trying to keep myself from liking them because ... because why?... Because I see something in them that says don't ... or cause I'm just living by the mantra "Boys suck" ...
I like "the kisser" ... that's what I think his blog name will be. I think he's really cool ... in the few times that we've hung out, I've found myself leaving with that "giddy" feeling ... Now, the thing is that I think he's kind of into me too. He seems to be ... And he's a nice person, definitely. The feeling that I have ... the "spider sense" that I'm receiving is this message saying that I shouldn't let it be anything more than casual though. Liking him, ok ... but don't let it get to a point where I might want to date him. Now certainly, I'm only getting to know him now ... so it's not all like that... but let's be honest. We all think about these things even when we first meet people... we wonder "is this someone I might want to date?" Now with gay men, the normal schedule of events goes a bit differently... so the logic that might normally guide us, is kind of out the window.
For now, I'm definitely just enjoying hanging out with him. Kissing him. And ... since he doesn't know this little journal exists, and is unlikely to be reading it, I'll share this cute thing with all of my friends and blog readers. Ya know how everybody who you like, has at least one thing you think is so adorable?... Well ... the way he says the word "baby" ... He says it to his pets ... I heard him say it to his roomie tonight... He has this inflection in his voice when he says it ... and he puts the emphasis on the last syllable.
OK, I'm a dork - but everyone knows that.
So ... conclusion. OK, I like him ... I'll get to know him better. If it doesn't work out - I'm a big boy. I can handle it. And isn't it that same "wonder what's going to happen feeling" that makes it so great when you first meet someone?... It's definitely part of it.
Yeah ... I have a crush!...
...DAMMIT! LOL
6:37 AM
Saturday, August 02, 2003
I will not have a crush! I will not have a crush! I will not have a crush!
*grin* It's nice, that time when you meet a groovy person and still think they're groovy. Before you realize they are flawed ... human ... sometimes assholes. LOL It's nice ...
It's also nice... very nice ... to hear my favorite words... "You're a really good kisser."
What's nicer?... When they are too!
*sigh* Back to sleepy sleep for a little bit ...
I will not have a crush! I will not have a crush!...
DAMMIT!
3:08 PM
Friday, August 01, 2003
It hit me again today ... maybe officially hit me. I live here now. Portland is home. Not forever - but for the now it's definitely a good place to be. No place is perfect, but I find myself healing more and more and getting back a sense of purpose and direction.
My things arrived today ... my 90lb box of stuff. All my clothes - here. My stars and the moon bathroom stuff now covers the bathroom here. I am beginning to settle in ... I don't feel like the guest that needs to be entertained... I never really did, but I fear sometimes that Jamie thinks I do. I don't like when I feeling like a burden - and I worry about that frequently. But I'll be on my own two feet soon enough, and definitely plan to make that all up once I am.
Last night was my first night out since being back. It was fun definitely, but it wore me out. I don't see myself wanting to go out all the time ... and once I start working, that probably will be even more the case. I think that's a good thing ... and I have more fun when I actually do go out. Plus, the people of this town already have me sing "Sweet Transvestite" enough to last them a life time. Of course that doesn't mean I'll ever stop singing it. I'm a dork like that... but it's ok.
I still find myself doing the silly boy thing more than I would like ... but I guess that's just a part of me and will be till I finally find "the right boy" ... lol - Oh well!
I don't see much excitement in my future for the weekend. But I'm almost kinda glad about that. I have no real desire to go out, and I don't have any money yet anyway. And Sunday night I have to be at Denny's ... so ... C'est la vie.
(yawning and stretching) It feels good to be home... It's been a while.
7:56 PM
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