A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Tuesday, September 30, 2003
It's been a while since the last post. My birthday has come and gone. I'm now officially 27 years old. GOD, I feel old. I've always thought I look younger than my age, but today at a bar, the bartender carded everyone, and when I said I didn't have mine, he said "That's alright, you're ok." OUCH! I was crushed. Luckily the drink he brought me helped cheer me up. LOL - they always do, huh?
Well "Seymour" and I headed to NYC on Friday morning. I had asked him one favor before we left. "Don't sleep with Rich! It'd make me feel weird." LOL - bad, bad call. LOL - well a bad call to let the two trollops hang out in the first place if I was worried about my feelings. It was an interesting weekend that's for sure.
We went out to the Duplex (my 2'nd favorite NYC piano bar) on Friday night, where my good NY friends Kristina, Samara and Scott came to meet up with us. Scott is my ex, who played Frank-N-Furter in Rocky Horror, and whom I dated for almost a year. He and I ended up making out half of the night at the Duplex. He got me back to the hotel safely, but I don't remember much after that. He says he was a gentleman and just stayed the night next to me. Which was good, cause Rich and "Seymour" had disappeared shortly after midnight, and didn't return until noon the next day. Their official story was something about a man from the bar, his hotel room and lots of alcohol. It certainly helped cure me of that silly little "I like Seymour" thing... I'm not sure if that's fair or not ... but as I've certainly learned, feelings aren't always fair, now are they?
Rich came back to Portland with us, and he's been here for a day or two ... he's spent more time with Eric than with me ... and at first that bothered me ... it bothered me that he was being so mean to me... that I was so proud of how I'm doing, and all he could see was what was wrong with things. But then I realized... that's Rich's issue, not mine. I'm so happy with where I'm at and where I'm going ... and I'm not going to let anyone take that away from me. He wins the little battles. When he says something hurtful, and for a second I take it to heart. But in the end, he's losing. Cause all he's doing is making me question if he should be a part of the new life I'm trying to make for myself. I know he doesn't mean to be how he is all the time ... but I don't need to take these things anymore.
I don't mean to paint it all bad... It has been so good to see him. I guess that's why I'm hurt... I was so excited about having him here... and that makes his hatefulness even more hurtful.
Jamie called me on my birthday since he couldn't make it in person ... I understood. And we had a good conversation, and he was the only one who pointed out to me that it was MY birthday, and that I wasn't selfish for wanting the day to be mine. And that it should have been ... It would have been if he had been there. That made me realize two things.
1.) My brithday would have been so much better if my best friend was there.
2.) That just makes me really lucky to have such a great best friend ... and he'll be at the next birthday.
Rich leaves tommorrow, and we're all supposed to go out tonight. He and Eric are at the mall currently... He and I havent' really spent any time alone together. Not to talk or hang out ...
Anyway ... I'm headed to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine ... wine from a box - I've never tried it before. I love firsts...
Happy Belated Birthday To Me! ;)
7:17 PM
Sunday, September 21, 2003
Word finally came from Jamie a few days ago. He and Seth finally arrived in Arizona, and all is well there. They have a lovely pink adobe house (make me vommit! ;) and there's a palm tree outside their window. He seems excited about it, and no one appears to be dead yet. I suppose all is well there for now. I doubt he's going to make it to NYC for my birthday ... I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about that yet. I'll understand it totally, but probably feel pretty sad about it that day. Rich will be there, which will be fucking killer. I guess I was just hoping this would be the birthday I'd be surrounded by all the important people... to celebrate one that really matters. Oh well ... in spirit at least...
"Seymour" and I hung out last night... we had a fun day/evening that started with a trip to the dollar store, where I bought him a pink sailor hat that he didn't take off for the rest of the day. Dollar store pink hats, shopping cart rides through parking lots, roaming around searching for late night parking spots, having a squirt bottle war that ends with tie died t-shirts, trandom mall visits ... things that make me feel chemistry with him. I don't think I'm imagining that, at least. I think he feels at least that too. He doesn't seem to want anything serious at all ... He seems to have a lot of issues. But yet... I think he feels like I'm feeling some of the times... when we're doing these silly crazy things together and laughing... I'll look at him, and it almost looks like the same look that I'm giving him ... And I don't wanna screw up the friendship, by clinging on to "what could have been" ... but what if it's really "what could be..."? Then what?!...
He's coming with me on the big NYC birthday trip next weekend. I'm so excited... going to go see Kelly Ripa's sitcom taping ... then going out for drinks after. Some "Don't Tell Mama", some "Crazy Nanny's", some "Duplex" ... some Ben, Kristina, Tim, Scott, James ... so many places and people I wanna see... and show off. And getting to see Rich again now that I'm in a better place, also a big bonus.
The birthday is coming... 6 days and counting...
7:06 PM
Monday, September 15, 2003
Someone said something to me yesterday that got me thinking. They said that I seem to hop from guy to guy a lot ... I've had this pointed out to me before, and there's an explanation that's very simply. It sounds a lot like a random excuse, but it's as genuine as it gets. When I find a guy I like, I tend to put my best effort into seeing if it could work there. If they don't return this, or for some reason it ends within a relatively short period of time, I move on. I try not to dwell to much on what could have been ... especially with these semi-dating relationships that are over almost as quickly as they have begun. However, in thinking about this, I decided I'd give my dear blog readers an update on what's been going on with some of the various boys that I've mentioned recently.
JUSTIN- The boy who made the comment to me to begin with... I met Justin on July 4'th and we hung out off and on till I went back to Florida. When I got back, things were confusing and I backed off before seeing what could be pursued there. I've tried recently to re-establish contact and see what was up there, but he seems apprehensive (to say the least) and I don't know that I have enough fight in me to pursue something there.
ERIC (with a c)- Well ... he's told me he loves me... (SIDENOTE: just as I started typing about him, my cell phone rang and it's him - I'm going to wait and call him back when I'm done writing) ... Anyway ... he told me he loves me... yet we hardly spend any time together. This is a relationship that started, but seems to have fizzled out. He makes some efforts, but they feel like efforts. If that makes any sense... Also, there are other things that have recently come to my attention that he and I need to discuss. Not sure what's goin on here....
ERIK (with a K, but not really/aka-"Seymour) - This seemed to have a lot of potential at the beginning. A super guy, who definitely hides a lot of himself for protective reasons. But super smart, very charismatic... and there was definite chemistry there. A few nights out drinking with me, however, led him to tell me that he thinks that we would work better as friends then in any sort of dating thing. The friendship seems to have fizzled, as I haven't heard much from him in the past week... with the exception of one late night visit he paid with "The Thing With Hair" Nick ... He was drunk, and I was sober. And I wanted so badly to take advantage of that drunken stupor. But not in the way you think... not to sleep with him or anything... but to talk to him about whether or not there really was still any sort of window open ... whether or not his opinion was still evolving... But I didn't ask. And he hasn't returned my phone calls since that night.
WILL - (OK, I haven't yet blogged about this one) A cute boy was at one of my tables a few weeks ago and I was flirty. Through conversation while delivering food and checking back, I came to the conclusion that he was a mo. (turns out only half mo) So I slipped him my number with the check. We've hung out a few times... and the boy has issues. That's for certain... he has baggage... But he's an interesting person. We spent a nice evening sitting on the pier talking one night... Potential, but could be quite a stressful road ...
There are a few other assorted characters, but these seem to be the major players as of late... There is of course James, by ex from NYC who I talk to every few weeks...and open up that emotional treasure chest. And Rich ... who although he is an ex, and now a close friend... still counts as one of the "men in my life" ... And of course, the most important of all - my best friend Jamie... who 7 days later, has yet to check in from either the road, or from Arizona.
*sigh* If I have to get on another goddamned airplane - SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET IT!...
...and these are the gays of our lives!
5:44 PM
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Two of my closest friends are weighing heavily on my mind today. In two very different ways.
Jamie (and Seth) should have reached Arizona on Friday evening. They promised they would call when they got there... and 48 hours after their scheduled ETA, they have not. I'm worried and a list of things that could have happened to them Many scenarios are playing through my mind, not the least of which is that they drove in front of oncoming traffic in order to avoid the billionth car argument. UGH - J, when you read this blog you better have already talked to me and not be sitting in some chic little coffee shop in Tuscon ... or is that a contradiction in terms? I'm not really sure... Hmm.
My other dear friend who I'm thinking about is Rich. As I'm typing this, he's confirming his plane ticket to New York for my birthday weekend. It's going to be a cool weekend I hope. I feel I really have something to celebrate this birthday, and him being there will make it all come full circle. I'm so excited to see him, to spend the weekend in NYC ... to bring him here to Portland to see my life here...and the town ... and what I'm making of myself. GOD, it's always all about me isn't it?... Well let's see... him. Yes, I'm very much looking forward to seeing him too. And to spending time with him again, as it's been longer than I think I realize sometimes since we've been in the same room, let alone actually hung out and had one of our talks.
The hope is still there that Jamie will make it in time for my birthday as well. He promised he would try his hardest to be in NYC that weekend for me... I know he will do his best.
I'm stoned, so I think I might cut this post a little short.
Tonight is the summer finale of Sex and the City... It's one of the first ones Jamie and I won't have watched together in a long time. It was our Sunday night tradition since I've been in Portland. I think I'll be watching it alone tonight...
But sometimes alone is ok.
7:48 PM
Friday, September 12, 2003
Jamie's gone. They left Monday afternoon, as they had been planning. I wasn't surprised by this. I believed them when they made the decision. It's sad in ways, but perhaps hopeful in others. Jamie and I had the sad goodbye I expected...I Cried, and reminded him that I loved him, that he had done a lot for me in helping me to get out of the miserable life I was in ... and told him that I would always be there for him no matter what. We pinky sweared on it, he got in the SUV and Kate, Alan Wilbur and I sung "Hakuna Matata" as the car drove away.
I'd asked "Seymour" to be there for a shoulder to cry on ... he basically let me know that he wasn't the right shoulder. Emotional situations aren't his strong suit.
I hadn't seen him for a few days, until just now. He and "the thing with hair" (who I almost wanted to flirt with tonight) came over and hung out for a few hours. What bugs me is that I see potential with "Seymour" ... he said he's decided that basically it's just a friend thing. But... I feel like there's still a chance there... and I don't know if that's wishful thinking, or perhaps a window I should look through, before it definitely closes. I feel that no matter which way I chose to look at it, it will turn out being the other.
There's a chemistry there though I think. Not just like "sexual chemistry" ... but that fun spark that two people have when there's something there just a bit beyond friendship.
He was drunk tonight, and I was sober... so I suppose that could have had something to do with it. I still think there's more, but the question is am I willing to risk a possibly good friendship, to look into a relationship that may or may not be possible.
I don't really know yet I guess.
I'm blogging for the first time on my brand new computer .. YAY! A bit of independence there for sure... and the cable (we get every channel now) and the road runner are in my name. I'm feeling like a real person again ... slowly.
But there are still things... things that it's hard to figure out alone.
I miss my best friend, and it's only been a few days....
3:39 AM
Sunday, September 07, 2003
In roughly 12 hours, my best friend Jamie is going to get in a rented S.U.V and leave Maine, headed towards Arizona with his boyfriend Seth. I have mixed emotions about this, which I will try to doccument here, under the influence of a few beers.
The past few weeks, since I learned about their impending move have been rough on me. I've basically tried to put it in the back of my head that my best friend is leaving, and present it to others as "I'm getting my own bedroom finally." I knew that the last night and the day that is yet to come were going to be hard on me.
But there I go making it about me again ... and it's really not. It will become about me at 8:31 tommorrow morning when they are gone... but for now it's about him. He seems torn between doing what he has committed to, and doing what he is uncertain that he should or shouldn't do. I'm not sure how to advise him as his best friend. He made a committment, and as a person I feel he needs to stick to that, as someone else (who I have come to grow very fond for) is counting on him for that. But I'm not sure Jamie believes this is the right choice for him. It's hard to tell how much of that is last minute jitters, and how much is a true feeling that this may be a bad decision. Because I have no crystal ball, I don't really know what to tell him - other than to give him my support in what he has decided to do.
I see the indecision in his eyes... and it's hard to know what to tell him, when I can't for certain say what is going to be a happier future for him. He knows he has a safety net here... as he has always provided one for me. I love him more than anyone else in my life... he's truly my best friend in the world, and I would do anything that he needed in a heartbeat.
I guess I'm torn, because right now I don't know what he needs. Or perhaps I know what he needs, but not what he wants. And at what point do you decide which is better for your friend?
We had the first real part of our goodbye tonight in a bathroom at a quaint tavern in the Old Port. He left our table looking sad and I followed him in. He came out of the stall, and we just hugged. We hugged for about 2 minutes, and then he asked me if I would be his best friend no matter what. I extended my pinky, for my vow of honor - and it was established: he will always have me there for him - whatever the future holds.
I choked back tears as I told him that I really do think that Seth is a good man ... that I do think that he has good intentions. I'm just not sure (from my own and other's experiences) that good intentions always mean good experiences.
Seth walked in, putting the end to the first of what will probably be a few tearful goodbyes.
At the end of the night, I walked outside to see Joanna (another dear friend of his, who I have also become close to since arriving in Maine) crying as she said her goodbyes.
We've all said goodbye to Jamie before... why is this one tearful? What makes this move so sad for us? For hiim?... Is it because we think it might be a good one, and permanent?... Or because we fear something worse?... I wish to God I knew the answer to that, so that I could step in one way or the other ... either in support, or in adamant opposition.
I need to hold off my own emotions till he is gone... he is too in doubt for me to cloud it with my own feelings. I must be the friend he has always been to me, and think only of him right now... My time for crying and "me, me, me" is tommorrow ... and hopefully I will have people around me to help me with that... But tonight, when he and Seth arrive back from their walk home and I help them pack the rest of their things... tonight, it has to be about them. About Jamie. About my best friend.
I hope fate, or God, or astrology or something shows me what message to send with him before he gets in that S.U.V. tommorrow... I know he'd have the right things to say to me... I just need to muster them up for him.
Grant me the wisdom...
9:55 PM
Thursday, September 04, 2003
So I'm supposed to be getting ready right now ... I have to be at Margarita's to meet Jamie and Joanna at 6 ... that's in 15 minutes. But I felt a sudden urge to blog. I had a rough, but good (money wise) day at work today ... my best so far actually. It feels so good to have money in my pocket again ... and be able to do what I want, basically when I want. Having responsibility again feels good, although it's certainly much different from the days of call times and hair and make-up calls. But, this hopefully will lead me back there.
Tonight is sort of a going away dinner, drinks night for Jamie... He and Seth leave on Monday. Certainly the day before and the day after will hold some rather tragic, sad blogs... and no doubt the days themselves will hold many tears. I keep trying to focus on the fact that I'm now going to have a bedroom ... that's what I call their departure day. The day I get my own room. This is of course, only on the surface as I am kind of avoiding dealing with the actual issue.
It's been so wonderful to be living in the same city with Jamie again ... and of course we will again ... but ... for a while - 6 months if they indeed follow through with their plan, is about how long it is scheduled for.
"Seymour" and I had a conversation last night. He told me that he basically didn't see a future for us dating, but that definitely a close friendship was going to be the way to go. I agree about the friendshio... I guess I saw the possibility of a dating future, but thankfully have kept myself from letting that become too important to me, because I kinda saw this coming. He's a wonderful, wonderful boy ... and I have so much fun with him. He told me that "my personality wasn't what he was looking for in a boyfriend" but perfect for a good friend. We had this conversation online, then he came over to hang out with me... I assume because he knew I was probably sad and needed a friend. Truly good people this one... It's hard to not regret that this wonderful boy didn't think there couldbe more there... It's hard not to wonder what it is about me that makes people love me so much in one way ... but so seldom in another.
I tell myself all the things Dr. Phil says I should... that I'm good people.... that there's someone out there for me... that it's not that there's anything wrong with me. I tell myself these things... but myself doesn't always listen.
I have to work in the AM, so not gonna let it be too late of a night ... must behave, must behave...
And to quote the lovely Carrie Bradshaw "Must not end up old maid... must not end up old maid."
When in doubt, quote Sex and the City....That's my motto.
5:58 PM
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