A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Thursday, February 20, 2003
Somebody show me a way to get out of here... cause I constantly pray I'll get out of here... please won't somebody say I'll get out of here... someone give me my shot or I'll rot here ... show me how and I will, I'll get out of here ... I'll start climbing uphill and I'll get out of here ... someone tell me I could still get out of here ... someone tell lady luck that I'm stuck here ... gee it sure would be swell to get out of here .. pick a goddamned fare well and get out of here ... i'd move heaven and hell to get out of skid... I'd do I don't know what to get out of skid ... a helluva a lot to get out of skid ... people tell me there's not a way out of skid ... but believe me I'd like to get out of skid row!...
3:15 AM
I have such an issue trusting people as it is, that when people constantly either lie, mislead or withhold - it makes things so much more difficult. Someone close to me is kind of doing this right now. Holding back a lot, about extremely relevant things. And in the recent past, he's also either lied or mislead me. I find myself striking back with sarcasm, or bitter remarks, or just holding the anger inside - but I guess I'm just so over it.
I've pretty much made the decision that my time in Florida is coming to an end. Most likely sooner rather than later. I long so much for the hustle and bustle of Manhattan life. To be back in an element that I know I can thrive in, as opposed to suffocate in. I'm "negotiating" with my parents right now to leave Florida, and spent a short amount of time in PA, getting things together. That means getting the money, and making a plan. Although the prospect of spending a large sum of time there doesn't sound incredibly appealing there are perks. It's only a bus-ride away from my city. I won't have to worry about bills. I'll be staying out of the trouble that I find myself getting into down here. I'll be closer to people who really care about me. Or at least more of those people than I have here.
Rich is really encouraging this. He's basically said that he'll look after my apartment and things here, and in May, when he can transfer jobs and possibly move to NY also, that I could stay with him if I hadn't already been able to get there on my own. Adrian, however, represents probably one of the more difficult aspects of the decision. I care about him very much. I see some wonderful things in our relationship, as well as some things that I'm just not sure will work in our favor. I don't think this is the time (for many reasons) for him to leave Florida and come with me ... so where does that leave me?... Saying goodbye to him?... Trying to keep a relationship going long distance?... Perhaps a sweet "I'll see you soon?" I just don't know what to do there.
I think it's entirely possible though ... that within the next month, I'll be gone from Florida. Gone ... and possibly forgotten.
But is that really so bad?
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
3:15 AM
Thursday, February 13, 2003
It's been quite a long time since I've written anything on here... almost a month to be exact. I guess for those of you who actually read this on any sort of regular basis, you may have thought I died, or was shipped off to jail ... or something like that. But alas, nothing quite so exciting! But, there have been a few interesting developments.
A few weeks ago, I started hanging out with an ex of mine. Probably I guess the one who (during my time in Florida) was my most signifigant relationship. It's interesting, hanging out with him again and all, because I've learned something. He and I always had a very good friendship. By that I mean, he was always a very good friend to me ... he just, perhaps, wasn't the greatest boyfriend. But then again, by that same token - I suppose I'm not the easiest to deal with either. Anyway, hanging out with him again has actually been a surprisingly wonderful experience. For many reasons. I guess because he knows me so well, which makes conversation much easier. Also, because I get the sense, that as a friend, he genuinely cares about me. When I talked to him about my father's idea that I come home to PA and stay there for a while, he actually thought it was a great idea. He said that he thought that what I really needed was to get out of Florida. I guess that proved both points ... that he knows me well and that he would like to see good things happen for me. We actually also discussed the possibility of moving to New York. It was something we had talked about when we dated ... because I had wanted to go back, even then ... And I guess it's a place he thinks he would still like to go. So I guess that's something that we've put out there. I think that it's probably a good idea for us to spend more time together hanging out before seriously discussing something like that ... and of course there are many other things that such a decision would hinge on ... but it's a possibility ... and those are always good. Either way, it's a friendship starting again, that I feel very good about.
Adrian and I had a bit of a knock down dragout fight the other night. I don't remember it, because I was pretty well under the influence of MUCHO beer ... Had I written about this yesterday, I probably would have said it might be the last time that I saw Adrian. But he came over again last night ... we talked ... and have decided to work things out. I care about Adrian very much ... there are definitely things there that need work ... things that I guess I am uncertain about ... But ... I guess those are questions that will answer themself in time.
Mad props to Chicago for all of the Oscar Nominations that they scored! For any of you who have yet to see that movie, it's absolutely wonderful ... and (all of my broadway friends may kill me for saying this) I actually found it even more entertaining then the Broadway production that I saw just a few years ago.
Valentine's Day is just a few days away ... BLAH! My least favorite holiday. I suppose it should be a bit less miserable since I have a boyfriend this year... But even in years when I've had a "Valentine" ... it has generally been a holiday that I despise.
Oh well, heart and flowers for all of you out there in cyber land!
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
1:21 AM
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