A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Monday, May 26, 2003
I feel like I'm getting worse every day. This feeling of loneliness sometimes seems to get more palpable with each day that passes. There aren't many people in my "Florida Life" that I feel very close to. That I feel a "quality bond" with ... Lately, even those few seem to have little or no time for me. I think about that, and wonder what the explanation is. Is it me?... Do I push people away?... Is this depression that I seem to be sinking further into something that makes me less of that "fun crazy Kevin" that people seem to enjoy so much.
I've often been told that I'm "so much fun" ... or that my personality is infectious ... that I make people laugh. Well what happens when I just can't pretend anymore?... When the part of that that's real is so far gone that I can't get to it anymore. And even my ability to fake it is only believable if I've got enough alcohol or drugs in my system to put on a good show.
And what's to happen this week, when I am likely to learn how much longer I'll be forced to be here. Is it really Florida that's doing this to me?... Is it my inability to find something down here I can use as a liferaft. Something to keep me motivated other than the dream that maybe someday I'll get back to at least the place that I feel alive, if not the actual life itself.
I just don't know anymore... I don't know how to be happy it seems. I'm still barely able to achieve "numbness" ... but mostly I sleep. The dreams are still good though. I still have dreams that fill me with a sense of hope ... I know that's a good sign. It's usually worth those few seconds of sheer sadness when I wake to realize it was JUST a dream. But then the rational me sets in... and knows that as long as I can still be happy in dreams, there's some hope for the conscious future.
Happy Memorial Day.
6:28 PM
Friday, May 23, 2003
Last minute complications. Jamie wasn't able to make it. Trying not to let myself get too bummed about it. I know he's disapointed to, and so I don't want him to feel any worse. He's going to try to make it up again in a couple of weeks ... so it's not the worst thing in the world or anything.
Gonna try to keep myself occupied and have a fun (but not too self-destructive) weekend so that I don't sulk about it too much.
Guess we'll see what happens...
5:24 PM
Thursday, May 22, 2003
I'll start with the bad news. I didn't make it to the Emmy's. Now, I'm telling myself that this means two things. The first is that next Christmas Eve and next Emmy night (my two favorite nights, for you who don't know) are going to be extra kick-ass! (What an wonderful adjective I chose to use, as well, huh?) And that since I spent the entire weekend COMPLETELY fucked up and partying with friends - that I probably had a better time here anyway... Now I know that both of those are probably not that close to the truth - but hey, as long as I tell myself that ...
The day after the Emmy's ... I talked to my friend Samara, who had made it .. and got a recap of the evening. She went through her program, and read off the winners to me ... told me about the show (I couldn't bring myself to watch it), and we gossiped. I haven't seen her in a very long time, and she's on my wish list of people who I am really looking forward to seeing on my next trip.
My ex-boyfriend James is another one of those. I think about him a lot ... Actually, I go through these kind of stages. When I think about him - I think a lot... I wonder a lot... I saw him on my last trip, and because of a few different things, it ended up not being the most pleasant reunion. He is someone I think about a lot though ... But I'll save that topic for a blog all of it's own.
On to the exciting news... the good news... what's gotten me through this week. Tommorrow afternoon, at 1:35pm - I'll be at Tampa International Airport picking up MY BEST FRIEND JAMIE! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! He's coming to visit for a week and the timing really couldn't be better. I've been so up and down lately... but more down then ever it seems as of late. And it's been so long since I've seen Jamie - it's been since October. And a good nice week of best friend bonding is SOOOO what I need right now. More than I can possibly say.
So, hopefully the next time I post on here, my mood will be noticeably different. I think it might actually be already!
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
7:59 PM
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