A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Wednesday, October 29, 2003
"When you wish upon a star... makes no difference who you are..."
So I wrote recently an entry about how much I miss my best friend Jamie ... and I so do. Our friendship has gone back and forth between being a close-proximity friendship and a long distance friendship... and a few months ago when Jamie left for Arizona, it went back to being a long distance friendship ...
Next Thursday, it will once again become a close proximity friendship! MY BEST FRIEND IS COMING HOME ... !!!!!
OK... now that I'm over the initial excitement, I'll explain.
Things with he and Seth have stayed much the same ... and they've finally decided that they need some space and that it will do them some good. I've thought this since the first day I stepped foot in Portland... and that space could have probably been accomplished here, with them just blocks from each other. But their choices, good or bad, took them to Arizona... and now the need for space has to be accomplished by being several states away. But I think whatever the future holds for Jamie and Seth, this will be the defining moment for them and will take them to whatever that is...
Time apart will give them both clarity ... and either they'll go back to the relationship more determined to make it work, and with better ideas how, or they'll realize that maybe it's not what they want. I honestly don't know what the answer to that one is ... But I do know that space is how they'll find that answer.
In the meantime I get my best friend back till after the New Year!
He's going to fly into NYC next Thursday where we're going to meet and party like it's 9/27! That's right, I'm going to celebrate my REAL birthday, with a REAL friend ... and yes, Pinnochio - I'll be a REAL boy! LOL ...
OK, I'm rather giddy right now ... lol - trying to supress the selfish excitement though. I know it's going to be hard for him, although he and Seth seemed to have discussed it and both are well with this idea. I really am a good enough friend that if I thought it were anything less than a brilliant idea, I'd tell him so - even though it would mean "No Jamie for me!" LOL (Imagine me saying that in a Soup Nazi voice!)
I'm so excited to sit on the steps of the breast clinic, drink 40's and talk to my best friend about life and love and random thoughts... I'm so excited to have our weekly sessions at Margarita's ... I'm so excited to laugh and cry and to be a friend and have a friend again ...
I've been thinking a lot lately, about how I haven't formed a lot of close friendships here yet. Part of that has been by choice. I'm determined not to be "stuck in friendships" or have annoying people calling me friends, who I tolerate like when I lived in Florida. It's a new day, and it's better to be alone and lonely, then surrounded by people and lonely. So, I'm suffering through some loneliness now on my quest to be a stronger, happier person ... and having Jamie back will be so wonderful. I think it'll be what we both need.
I also get to help him the way he helped me. I get to put HIM on a flight and bring HIM to safety for a while. I get to say "Lean on me..." And I get to return some of that friendship that he's given to me by the truckloads.
A few years ago, Jamie and I had made a half-assed attempt to move to NYC. We were living in a cheap hotel room there, and in the course of a week, we'd been homeless, had our life's possession's stolen, spent all our money and gotten kicked in the nuts by life. We had been fighting and we were sitting in this little hotel room listening to Delilah (the radio chick) on our little boom box. I snuck downstairs to the pay phones in this cheap hotels lobby and called ... I figured I wouldn't get through because it was Delilah for god's sake... but I did ... a woman took my information, asked my story and said to be at the phone in 10 minutes that Delilah would be calling back to tape the segment and it would air about 30 minutes later.
Delilah called back and I said "My best friend and I just moved to a new city. A lot has happened to get us down since we've been here... and now we've been fighting. And I just wanted to say that I know it's not always easy to be my friend but that Jamie is my best friend and we'll get through this."
Delilah warmly said "With our friends around us anything is possible ... let me see if I can find a song for you..." And that was that. The call was over... and I had to wait till 30 minutes later, in the hotel room to hear what she'd chosen.
Jamie and I are sitting there, and all of a sudden my voice comes over the radio (he didn't know I'd done it) ... he looks at me and says (in that way only Jamie can and make it a positive comment) "You dork!"
"Let me see if I can find a song for you..." Delilah says ... and this song begins playing:
You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there
And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
3:59 AM
Friday, October 17, 2003
Margaret Cho once asked it, and now I find myself pondering the same question. "What is it about my personality that makes people feel they can be completely open and honest with me about ANYTHING?"
I find that people, who meet me even casually, feel the need to open up to me ... No, I'm not talking about cute little bottom boys. I'm talking about the most random of people: customers at work, the clerk at the local convenience store, my cab driver, the man pissing next to me in the mall bathroom, a random homeless person ... the woman who runs my laundromat is even in on it!
I've heard such random asides as "God, I love young white ass. It's so tight and firm." "That asshole only had one testicle anyway!" "My doctor just told me I have breast cancer and so I'm going in for my mastectomy tommorrow." "I shaved my nuts today, and they itch." and my personal favorite: "My mother is in a mental institution. She says I'm going to end up in one with her soon. I think she's right."
Strangers! These thoughts expressed by relative strangers. What is it?... Do I scream "Confide in me!"
Now if I could only get boys to do that upon meeting them ... spill out all of their random deep dark secrets, and all the things they are likely to do to hurt me eventually...
Oops! I had a bitter moment.
Been playing txt message "tag" with Teddy lately... it's so good to talk to him ... or text with him I guess... we talked on the phone for a few minutes the other night... I can't help but wonder if he is feelin that "groovy feelin" when he talks to me too. God, I'm a dork!
I'm feeling random today, and I'm a tad bit stoned... so I'm posting a few random things I have been thinking about lately...
Another one being the fact that walking around Portland still amazes me. I remember the first day that I rode into Portland, in the back seat of Joanna's car, with her and Jamie tour-guiding me through the city that I was going to be staying in for a few weeks....I didn't at all expect this place to become what it is to me ... A home. Not "home forever" ... but such a wonderful home for right now. With good things, and the prospects of good things looming over me ... with familiar streets that I walk to to do my laundry, or to get a 2 liter of Diet Coke, or to go to the bar ... or to walk to my favorite little Mexican Restaurant to meet friends... the paths that I take to go these places... the path that I'm on now ... How Jamie was so much a part of this becoming home ... and now he's gone and a huge piece is missing, but it still was what he helped me make it.
It hits me hard sometimes how much I really miss him. Not AT ALL in a "I need him to get by" sort of way ... so not at all. He gave me that shoulder to climb up on ...and I got up, and I'm doing it ... But ... to have him here to share this growth with would be so wonderful. To watch his growth ... as he seems to grow more and more taller every day. I know he doesn't think so sometimes ... but I have so much faith in that boy. I can't wait to see where our lives end up taking us... and hopefully there will be many more years of living in the same city, wherever it may be, and causing lots of trouble and having lots of laughs and drinking 40's on random steps ...
He's not here with me tonight ... but J, I'm gonna make it a Kevin and Jamie night anyway ... you're in my thoughts tonight ... And you know you can always use that "Kevin Rescue" card whenever you need it ... I am holding a "rescue raincheck" with your name on it ... should it ever become needed.... or wanted.
OK ... enough random posting. I'm off to belt out showtunes in my underwear! WOO-HOO!
8:29 PM
Sunday, October 12, 2003
I'm going to break two rules right here with this post. Two blog rules that I have. One, I never put more than one post on in one day. I hate the way it seperates them with the time - looks like all one big entry. And the second is that I never type anything on here that's specifically for someone to read...
But I'm breaking those rules just a little bit ... For one day only... to share some words of wisdom. Not my wisdom ... but wisdom nonetheless:
Bunnnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes! They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses. And what's with all the carrots?... What do they need such good eyesight for anyways?... Bunnies! Bunnies, it must be bunnies!!!...
...Or maybe midgets.
My point?... Along with all the sad, there is also happy. There's funny. There's joy. For every lost moment, there is one that feels so right. And those are the ones that give us something to wake up for in the morning.
Sometimes, we walk through the fire - just to get to the bunnies.
Bunnies, it must be bunnies!
2:00 PM
It's been a while since I've posted ... yikes! Almost a week! This week has actually been rather eventful. Not on any sort of "boy" "relationship" "dating" or penis related topics... but actually, at work. Big drama is a brewin' ...
But wait! Before that story... I must post about my father's visit to Portland yesterday.
Now, some background - I haven't seen my father in quite a while. Over a year... and he hasn't seen me since I've been here, and working - and kind of standing on my own two feet. He came into Denny's yesterday for lunch ... met my boss, and some of my co-workers, took some pictures of me waiting tables (DORK!) and ate a Chicken Melt. It was a good visit... Then last night, he came over to the house and met Kate, my roomie. Afterwards, I walked him down to the Old Port, and we stopped at Margaritas, where he had his first margarita ever. Ah, the silly deprived parents of yesteryear.
It was a nice visit... Nothing extraordinary or exciting... but it felt nice to take my dad out... It's been a while.
OK - now onto the work drama! Tuesday morning, I arrive to work - and "Broomhilda" (I'm protecting the names of the bitchy - so that shall be my nasty co-worker's blog name) is all in a tizzy. It seems that one of the overnight cooks greeted her with a story. A gentleman had come in the night before and introduced himself as the new General Manager of our store. He went on to say that Lisa (our current GM) was going to move to the Congress Street Denny's (the one SOOO much closer to my house - that I haven't tried to transfer to because of my fondness for Lisa, our GM) He further explained that at his last store (somewhere in Connecticut) he took over, and instantly fired his entire staff and started from scratch. What a great first impression for a new GM to make, huh?
Well "Broomhilda" was angry, and ready to confront Lisa as soon as she walked in the front door. Word spread around to the minimal staff we had on that early, and by the time Lisa finally walked in the back door, there were a horde of vultures waiting to confront her. (From what I understand, Broomhilda greeted her with "Aren't you at the wrong store Lisa?")
Well, we were also short one cook that morning ... and one waitress had called in. So we were a bit crazy... I had a rather large section, and was doing fairly well ... except that I happened to take one gentleman's order, and get sidetracked before putting it into the computer. I realized the error about 10 minutes later and went over to the gentleman, apologized and said I would have his order out to him shortly and I was very sorry.
He seemed fine, and I went back to tell the cooks (my favorite people in the WHOLE world ... I say, dripping with sarcasm) ... The cook asks me what table it's for ... I say "Table 8" ... The cook laughs.
Now when the cooks laugh, it generally means bad things for me.
Indeed... the gentleman who I'd kept waiting 15 minutes, by now, for his French Slam was none other than the man who had just a few hours before introduced himself as the new "Hanging GM" ...
YIKES! ... *sigh* Well, I recovered, and got his food out ... in the end, he left me $3.00 tip on a $5.00 meal ... I'm not sure whether this was a sign that he understood that these things happen - or whether this was his version of severance pay... Time will tell I suppose.
Of course, the idea is in my head now that I'd like to move to Congress St. Denny's... It's so much closer, would give me an extra hour of sleep in the morning ... and since Lisa is moving there, it would be great to move with her.
I'm waiting till she's gotten a little more used to what's going on and has a gameplan of her own, before seriously talking to her about this. In the meantime, I've picked up a few shifts there this week, since they were short-handed. I work graveyard there tonight, and I've never done a graveyard shift before - so I'm kind of excited about it.
Lisa says she's going to be at our store for a while yet, as she has to train the new manager and finish up odds and ends there... She says she wants to make it an easy transition but plans to make it clear to this new man that until she leaves her keys in that office for the last time, that SHE is the GM and it's HER store. I love this woman - she's got balls of steel!
It turned out that day was full of ironies. Just as I had punched out to go on my break, there was a to-go order that no one had time for - so I crawled out of the break room and took it... it was a rather big order, but I put it in and then went back to eat my breakfast.
"Kevin - your to-go is here!" I hear Caroline shout from out front. I go out to tend to the customer, and of course, the boy there to pick it up is Jason ... a boy I had gone out with for a little while when I first came to Portland, but who things hadn't nescesarily ended well with ... A little on his part, a little on mine.
I smiled... we exchanged pleasantries... I gave him his food. He paid the bill, and tipped me $5.00 ... I couldn't help but wondering if this was because he understood... or if it was HIS version of severance pay...
11:31 AM
Monday, October 06, 2003
I guess what goes around comes around.
I met a boy, when I had first come to Portland. He was a very cool boy... but I knew the place my head was in then ... I blew him off, all be it not intentionally... or purposefully, maybe is a better word. But I didn't make the best effort. He seemed to really like me though ... and I guess that my blowing him off hurt him enough. Once my brain was in a better place, I initiated contact with him again ... and eventually, decided that I was going to make a real effort to see what was possibly missed there.
Finally tonight we went out to dinner... it was awkward and conversation didn't exactly flow. After dinner, we stood in the parking lot for a bit of time, trying to kill the awkwardness ... I almost tried to kiss him at one point, but he moved, in what seemed like anticpation - so I didn't try further.
The awkwardness went away as we drove around town ...and I started to feel comfortable. I saw the door opening again and I was thinkin "Hey, maybe we'll get this right this time." He dropped me off, and I opted against trying a goodnight kiss. I figured that I wanted to try to do it right this time, if I was going to try again with him ... and maybe a kiss would happen on the second date. I got out of the car, and walked upstairs feeling optimistic....
I send him an IM when I sit down at my computer, saying that I had a nice night...and mentioning the attempted kiss. A few minutes later he comes back to his computer... he responds with:
"I knew you wanted to kiss me...but the reason i moved out of the way was because unfortunately i don't feel anything for you that way...and i didn't want to get into a situation like last time where anyone gets led on...one mistake a lifetime on that one..."
I guess what goes around comes around.
It's funny ... all this silliness with these Portland boys... I dunno ... it's weird, because the one boy that runs through my head so often is Teddy. I've talked to him lately, and he sent me the coolest song tonight... "Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional (accoustic version) ... really killer song ... really killer boy ... a boy in Florida ... Why do I think about a Florida boy so much?... Kate and I talked about it the other night ... It's similar to her and Adam ... didn't live up to it's potential... I think I'll listen to this song while I crash ... it makes me sad, but happy ... lol
I guess what goes around comes around.
11:38 PM
Sunday, October 05, 2003
I'm about to see someone I haven't seen in probably 6 or 7 years.
A friend of mine from my early NYC days, Tim. He was a casual aquaintance... a bar friend... a sometimes late night rendezvous ... and a really cool guy. Well oddly enough, he happens to live in Maine now ... and I happened to run into him in a chat room. I recognized him instantly, and we've been chatting for a while ... planning for him to come to Portland for a visit ...
And indeed today is the day ... he should be here momentarily, so I had to prep the house ... make it look cute and all that other good stuff... OK, so maybe I did a little prepping to myself too ... hehehe Oh well!
Anyway... so I'm kind of excited about it. Not really sure why... no real expectations out of it... just the chance to see somebody I haven't seen in a really long time ... and who knows?
I like those kind of things in my life lately... things for which I have no expectations, but for which anything could happen ...
OK, so I've been smoking before I wrote this ... hehehe ... C'est la vie!
5:08 PM
Friday, October 03, 2003
Well ... the last time I posted Rich and "Seymour" were off to the mall. They came back a little while later, and we started drinking and preparing to go out. It was rather obvious at this point that they probably had a little "somethin" goin' on ...
Now, I realize that I'm the one who has the issue here. I realize that I'm the neurotic fool who couldn't handle the boy I still liked, gettin' it on with my ex-boyfriend. None of those points are lost on me ... but apparently, it was lost on them. As was the concept of loyalty. I don't know ... I just don't think, that if a friend tells you that they're going to feel hurt if you sleep with ONE person, who you're probably never going to see again, that it's such a big thing to not sleep with that ONE person. Perhaps it's because I'm a libra... because I'm an overly-sensitive person ... perhaps it's just cause I'm a freak. Could be any of those things ... but I would have chosen my friends feelings, over some dick.
But they didn't. The old me probably would have pouted, thrown a hissy fit and then forgotten the whole thing. The new me however... I pout, throw a hissy fit and then decide that these people are no longer welcome in my life.
I know I talk a lot about my "new life" ... and Rich mocked that quite a bit while he was here... Perhaps another reason why I feel as though he's no longer someone I can have in my life. I take where I'm at right now very seriously. Yeah, I'm working at Denny's, and living in Maine ... big deal right?... To me it is! To me, it's a huge step from the drugged out, helpless, completely dependent person I was when I was sitting in Florida. I have a long way to go ... for sure - but I'm going there. I've taken steps... I'm taking more ... I'm FAR from any sort of finished product. I'm definitely a "work-in-progress" if you will ... but goddammit if I'm going to let people keep me down. I have a choice about who is in my life now. Gone are the days when crackheads just show up at my apartment and flop down for weeks at a time... while I sit in my bedroom wondering how to get them out.
Gone are the days with a trip to western union 2 or 3 times a week to get money from dad. Gone are the days when I feel like I'm not capable of anything more than what I'm doing right now. And gone are the days when people who don't care about my feelings still call me friend. Screw that, and screw them.
After I posted on Tuesday, we all headed out. Rich (slightly intoxicated) let out a slip of the tongue about "Seymour's" nipples being big. I don't know ... maybe it wasn't a slip of the tongue - maybe it was Rich's usual "try to get to me" thing... either way, "Seymour" does have big nipples... lol - and obviously Rich had seen them. I was annoyed... then, as we were walking, "Seymour" decided "Hey, let's go to Blackstones instead of Somewhere." I was all about showing Rich "Somewhere" and didn't know if he was completely being serious anyway, so I was like "No, come on! We're going to Somewhere like we planned." "Seymour" made the turn to go to Blackstones ... I kept walking towards Somewhere... and Rich followed "Seymour" ... of course.
They never showed up at "Somewhere" that night and I drank myself into a pretty decent stupor. When I arrived home that night, Rich's things were gone from the apartment. I passed out.
The next morning I was awakened by pounding at the door... Rich had forgotten his wallet. I probably wouldn't have seen him before he left, had he not... and I guess I would have been fine with that too ... He made an attempt to say goodbye, but I looked away and just grunted a goodbye to him.
It's a rather sad ending to a relationship that has gone through so many ups and downs... so much good and bad... so much love and hate. But I think it finally was an ending. Endings are always sad to me ... even the ones that I know are nescesarry... But the thing about endings ... they always lead to new beginnings.
4:50 PM
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