A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Monday, December 27, 2004
"There 0nce was a girl named Super Mindy..."
And so begins my friend Mindy's theme song. I mean HOW COOL IS THAT to have your own theme song? Or even to have a friend who has her own theme song?! I'm fabulous by association.
I met Mindy in what's gotta be going on a year ago now. SuperMindy is her online identity, and the girl has a phenomenal blog at http://supermindy.diaryland.com and she mentions lil ole me in it from time to time. And on more occasions then I can remember she has asked what she has to do to get a really good mention in mine. (Funny thing about my blog, some people are dying to be in it, and some people are dying to be kept out it.)
Well ... a month ago (right after my last post on here) Mindy did something to truly earn herself a starring role in one of my blog stories. Through my own laziness, computer errors, and a frustrating at times internet, it's taken a month for me to finally write, re-write, and finally get up the story of my trip home from PA, and how SuperMindy saved the day.
I was in NYC and had stopped to post my last entry at the times square internet cafe, Easy Everything. When I went back for my bus (after a brief but odd bathroom visit) I found out that there normal bus schedules had gone out the window, and if you wanted to get on a bus, going to Boston from New York City, the procedure was as follows.
STEP #1: Go to the end of the longest line anyone has ever seen anywhere in their entire life.
STEP #2: Wait in this line for over two hours before realizing that you're not going to make the Boston to Portland connection.
STEP #3: Yell "DOH!" very loudly upon having this realization.
STEP #4: Go back to Easy Everything and regroup.
STEP #5: Rinse and repeat.
I talked to Bobby (yeah, deal with it! You're YOU now beyatch!) online and he said that maybe he and Mindy could get me in Boston ...
Well apparently Mindy was at her mild mannered job as a telephone operator selling male sexual enhancement products when suddennly her little pink cell phone started blinking.
"Mindy!" I imagine Bobby saying. "We need to rescue Kevin!"
At this point I imagine Mindy ducking into the nearest payphone ... and coming out wearing a cape with "SM" on the back. (SuperMindy, my dears! Keep up!)
Anyway ... so Bobby said Mindy and he would be in Boston to fetch me. Go back to Step One and repeat.
ARGH!!!
But I go and I wait in the line ...
It is still growing, but moving faster... It seems more buses were brought in for the mess exodus from NYC to Boston that cold night.
I sit next to a cute guy on the bus, and as we both fall asleep our legs lean into each others a few times. I think I was probably more aware of it then he was... but that's cause I was doing it on purpose. And in my mind so was he.
Anyway, so I arrived in Boston, and SuperMindy and Bobby were there shortly thereafter to whisk me back to Maine. Right after crossing the Maine Line, we blazed one in the car... I hadn't been stoned in days and it was WONDERFUL!
"There once was a girl named Super Mindy..."
Yeah, that's my friend. She has a theme song, you know?
Thank you for being there that night, and so many other nights... You're a dear friend and I luv ya girl! (God, how queenie was that?!)
And Merry, Merry Christmas ... to Super Mindy and to all of my dear readers. I'm going to post a "What a month it's been..." entry a little later tonight. It's been a jam-packed month ... full of the usual sex, drugs and rock and roll ... a boy I met ... a boy I liked... a boy who didn't work out ... another boy I met ... that (knock on wood) I find might hold some promise...
"There once was a girl named Super Mindy ..."
I really need to learn more of that damn song!!!
10:16 PM
Sunday, November 28, 2004
It really amazes me that when I'm in NYC, even if it's just for a short layover between buses, that I ust instantly feel at home.
Of course it would be nice to actually HAVE a home here again ... but all in due time I suppose.
I've just completed the first leg of my journey back to Maine. PA to NYC. Next comes the worst of the bus rides, the 4 and a half hour trip from NYC to Boston. Bleh! It's a long trip, the bus is always cramped and sometimes smells. But hey, I guess that's what happens when you take the $15 Chinatown Bus ... C'est la vie.
It's a rainy day in NYC, and I'm in Times Square, ostensibly my least favorite part of the city. Yet somehow today, even with the gloom and doom of the weather, and the obnoxious tourists running around, the city still invigorates me.
My trip to PA was definitely a good one. I got to spend some quality time with the family, see a bunch of old classmates I haven't seen in 10 years, relax and watch a couple of movies, see Jenny-Penny, who I've missed dearly... and have a couple of good meals in the process.
It was nice ... very nice.
And now it's back to reality... back to work at the shithole, back to the process of getting rent paid, back to the life that I've made for myself in Maine ...
But times, they are a changin. And so am I ... I feel myself changing lately. Not overnight ... and not all at once ... but it's happening. And soon it's gonna be time for my return to this wonderful city that I used to call home ... By New Years Day, I plan to have a date in mind ... and I plan to make a resolution to be back here by that date.
On the upside, Jamie is moving ahead with plans to move up here also. So once again Kevin and Jamie may share the same city again ... and New York certainly is a great one to share with your favorite partner in crime.
That I'm looking forward ...
...the rest of this bus trip, I am not.
Ah well ... c'est la vie.
1:36 PM
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Before I left for PA, I arrived to work on what was to be my last night before my Thanksgiving vacation. Amanda, one of the other servers at work had a sealed envelope from me. It was from Danielle, my favorite fountain girl (the people who make our ice cream) and inside was a goodbye note that she wanted me to have, since she is leaving Friendly's for greener pastures. It was the cutest thing in the whole world, and with her permission I'm posting it here, so everyone can involve the cutenesss that is Danielle:
Kevin Darling,
I'm sorry I didn't get to see you today, and I won't see you tommorrow, even though it's my last day. :(
But NEVER FEAR! I'll come and see you when I get back from Detroit. I know you're probably crying your eyes out, but just remember how much fun we had. Plus, I will be back like every week.
Now just a few rules that I have for you:
1.) Keep the age limit at 18. Nothing younger please.
2.) Only sing random songs to those who appreciate it. Don't waste it on those who don't.
3.) No matter what, even if a cute little person takes over my job I WILL be your favorite always. No exceptions.
4.) If you get into an argument with anoyone, you have my permission to use the whip cream on them. Show no mercy.
5.) If you have a new boy you wish to talk about, you WILL call me.
6.) Whenever I come into Friendly's you WILL have a table for me, even if your other customers have to eat on the floor.
I think that jsut about covers it. I know this is a rough time for you, but I have confidence that you will be OK.
Lots of love ... your all-time favorite fountain girl, the famous 11 year old,
Danielle.
PS: Remember, it is *I* who sold YOU the man without an oven, cookie dough. MWA-hahahahahaha!
Thanks for the warm fuzzys Danielle. You'll be missed.
7:48 PM
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Thanksgiving. A time to give thanks, right?
Well indeed, I find myself with a lot to be thankful for this year. My trip home (so far, I'm still here) has proven to be a very worthwhile experience.
I got in late Tuesday night, and found myself instantly bored by just the thought that I was in Pennsylvania again. Of course I ended up online, chatting away in chat rooms to see what the local gay boys were like these days.
I ended up meeting and hanging out with this kid named Brandon, with whom I watched the funniest movie I've seen in a long time. It was called "Girls Will Be Girls" and was a hillarious movie starring three drag queens. In the film, they were all playing real women however. Viscious evil women ... the movie was a HOOT. And Brandon was cool ...
The next day I was up at the crack of noon to begin running errands. I finally got myself a new ID, as for the past 6 months, I've had nothing to prove who I am to get into bars, get onto planes or even buy beer at 7-11. The state of PA had me in their computers still, so they deemed me worthy of a brand spankin' new ID card, with my happy face plastered on it... proving once and for all that I am me.
Next stop was the local mall's version of an H&M (a groovy clothing store that sells trendy NYC style clothes) ... I was determined to find a cute outfit for that night when I would attend my 10 year high school reunion. It took 45 minutes of trying on everything in their very limited mens department, but I finally found the perfect outfit.
After the clothes shopping came a trip to the grocery store... and then to the liquor store where I actually persuaded my father to buy me a box of wine so I could get my buzz on before the evening got underway.
Now, my 10 year high school reunion had me nervous as hell ... Originally Jenny-Penny, one of my oldest and dearest friends (who I hadn't seen in forever) was going to accompany me. At the last minute she had to cancel, but we made plans to hang out afterwards.
I decided that 45 minutes constituted "fashionably late" ... and 5 large glasses of boxed wine constituted "fashionably drunk" and I arrived at my high school reunion (at a restaurant called "The Press Room") looking fabulouous and ready to see old friends ... and old nemesis.
It was odd to see how remarkably different some people were, and how remarkably the same others were. One of the girls I had an insane crush on during my "straight high school days" was there decked out in a business suit and a short "woman on the go" haircut ... she was now a producer for the local news. She and I chatted for a few minutes, and it was so incredibly surreal. Talking to someone as an adult, that I hadn't spoken to since our teenage years. It was amazing the difference ... in her and in others.
Some of the people had kids now ... or big jobs ... and some were the same computer geeks or obnoxious cheerleaders they were in high school. (To be fair, there were only 3 people I saw there who seemed to have not changed since high school ... everyone else had really grown up and moved past the frivolity of youth)
Still, the event was a bit awkward without an arm to hold onto for comfort... so after staying for about an hour, Jenny-Penny pulled up in front of "The Press Room" to announce that my rescue ride had arrived.
I hopped into her car and off to the Travelodge for karaoke we went. The Travelodge had been one of our favorite hangouts when I lived in PA ... we were always to be found there singing some tunes and workin on a pitcher of beer ... Much to my surprise, you can still smoke in bars in PA ... and they're open till 2. SCORE!
We ended up only staying long enough to down a pitcher, and each sing a song. Then we both decided to nurse our Taco Bell craving and RUN FOR THE BORDER... (Side note: Taco Bell now serves burritos with POTATOES inside of them ... Mmmm)
After gorging ourselves on a bunch of assorted Taco Bell goodies, there was one more stop to make: The Tally Ho, the local gay bar. We went in just long enough for me to throw down one more drink (Which at this point I REALLY didn't need, but hey - I'm on vacation.)
While there, I ran into an old flame who I hadn't seen in years. He had changed from a skinny and very flamboyant little thing to a muscular, rather masculine acting adult. Wow... someone else who had matured over the years since I'd last seen them.
We chatted for a while, and then Jenny-Penny and I took off. Destination: home.
I passed out fairly early, and was woken up Thanksgiving morning by my little sister tickling me.
Now, I grew up an only child ... but I'm adopted. I met my biological parents when I was 18, and found out that I had 2 full sisters, and a few half sisters and brothers. Sadly, I don't get to spend as much time with any of them as I'd like, but I'd talked to my little sister the day before and invited her to Thanksgiving dinner...
It took me a while to pull myself out of bed, and my plans of cooking Thanksgiving dinner went out the window as I told my dad to go ahead and do it ... I was hungover and tired... and kind of wanted to relax and enjoy the day.
We ate a wonderful dinner complete with turkey, stuffing, mashed taters, corn, rolls, cole slaw and iced tea... mmmmm ... I saved my piece of pumpkin pie for a midnight snack later... and shortly after dinner my sister took off... but it was a really nice Thanksgiving dinner.
Afterwards, my dad showed me one of his new toys. He'd bought this contraption that projects DVD's and videos onto a movie screen. He has it set up in the family room in our basement, and attached to the huge speakers in the stereo down there. He had the 3'rd Lord Of The Rings movie on DVD, and I'd never seen it ... so we veged out on the leather couches and watched the movie ... like in our own personal movie theater.
That movie is like 18 hours long, so I dozed a bit throughout it ... but saw most of it and even found myself with some tears at the end as Frotto said goodbye to his friends (a couple of hobbits who I swear were having a gay affair).
Later I persuaded dad to run me to Blockbuster to get a few other movies to watch in the basement movie theater. I have yet to finish them all ....
My parents have gone a bit high tech while I was away. In addition to that new toy, a speedy new computer, cable internet, and a bunch of other gadgets... my parents are (GET THIS) now a NEILSEN FAMILY!
That's right... my parents are responsible for the ratings of TV shows that producers hold so dear. I worked in television a good bit of my life... mostly on shows that got cancelled due to poor ratings... and now, that I live in Maine and wait tables at Friendly's ... NOW they are a part of the ratings system. There is most certainly a rather cruel irony there... Cruel indeed...
All in all it's been a wonderful trip so far... I usually end up miserable and counting down the days till I leave when I'm home in PA. It's nothing against my parents, it's just rather boring and reminds me of a different time in my life. But I've managed to have a lot of fun, accomplish a lot, and perhaps even learn a little something during this trip.
Something to give thanks for ... most certainly.
Happy Thanksgiving.
10:07 PM
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
In the next 24 hours, I'll have been in 3 out of the 4 cities I've lived in throughout my 28 years.
The morning will begin in Portland, ME where I'll wake up and depart a bus to Boston, MA. Now while I've never lived in Boston, I need to go there to get my connecting bus to New York City, where I spent 7 years of my adult life living... and hope to find myself living in again before my next birthday. And the finally the journey will conclude in Lancaster, PA ... where the fun is only just starting.
I'll spend Wedsnesday preparing for two big events. My 10 year high school reunion that evening, and fixing Thanksgiving dinner for my parents the next day.
YIKES! The stress! The pressure!...
...The amount of alcohol I'm going to have to consume...
Oy vey!
I'll have internet access at home, so you can expect regular updates.
In the meantime, I am going to catch some shut eye, so I can be refreshed and awake for a DAY OF BUS RIDER HELL!!!...
2:17 AM
Sunday, November 21, 2004
A rather monumentous occasion happened this evening, in a small and quite casual way. My life from Florida and my life here in Maine intersected for the first time in a year.
One of the regular Tampa Queers who (like me) was a fixture of the party scene in Florida. He too, now lives in Maine.
My friends dragged me to the club after work tonight, where I actually ended up having a fairly good time. As I was outside smoking a cigarette, Ryan walked outside. I'd talked to him online, and knew he was in Maine, but I hadn't seen him yet.
"Ryan?"
"Hey Kevin." he said without showing much surprise.
We chatted for a bit, then as I walked back inside I heard him talking to his other friends who had joined him outside. "That's this kid I used to party with in Florida ... oh my God, the afterhours parties he had..."
Yeah, that used to be me...
1:52 AM
Monday, November 15, 2004
I called a cab to take me home from work tonight. I waited the usual 15 minutes (I didn't request the gay cab driver whom I've bonded a bit with because the dispatcher sounded rushed) and finally was picked up by some driver I thought I might have seen before.
I tell him my adress.
"Same as always." he says to me and laughs before launching into a random tyrade about the night he'd had so far, and so on and so forth ...
As we were driving down Brighton Avenue, approaching the 7-11, I made a last minute decision. I wanted cigarettes and wine.
"Can you stop at the 7-11?" I asked him.
"Don't we always?" he asked me. "I would have thought something was wrong if you hadn't asked to stop there. I was already planning to ..."
A creature of habit I wondered?... Is that what I've become?
I have ... my work schedule is almost the same every week. I never go out on weekends (I work too late) but tend to go out for the karaoke nights on Tuesdays and Thursdays, if anything.
I take the cab home almost the same time every night, watch the same TV shows, smoke the same pot, talk to the same (kinds) of boys online .... I have a pattern...
But I feel something changing in me lately. I said it to someone tonight and I'm not sure they understood what I meant. But I see the marked periods in my life when I've changed drastically in some way or the other ... there have been very distinct times... and I feel another one is upon me. My feelings and emotions seem to be changing almost overnight....
And ... I'm not sure if it's the mary-jane, or the me talking ... but something in me is changing.
I'm so excited...
...and I think I like it ...
I'm about to lose control, and I ...
...and I think I like it!
2:38 AM
Friday, November 12, 2004
Ok, so this entry is going out to one person. And a million people read my journal, and a million people are gonna be calling me, or emailing me, or txting me saying "Was that me you were writing about?"
And the truth of the matter, this entry is for one person. I know very clearly right now who that person is, and it may never cross my mind, or utter my lips again ... but for right now, with this one moment of extreme clarity ... whether you ever read this... or ever get this... or do both, but think that it couldn't really be about you ...
It'a for one person. Very specifically right now... one person from my life .....
I'm thinking of the last episode of my favorite TV show... a scene in a museum...a show of support...
To this one person, I say this....
"I would never let go of your hand."
3:32 AM
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Carrie said it once on "Sex and the City" ... and I find myself feeling it from time to time. She said once, "I'm lonely, I am. The loneliness is palpable."
It is. Sometimes it really is. I've caught myself aching lately... actually physically aching, for what feels like loneliness. It sounds pathetic. It's been so long since I've been in a real relationship. God, if I have to try to remember the last NORMAL one I had, I'm not sure how far back I'd have to go.
I guess the last relationship of signifigant length was Adrian in Florida. I think about him sometimes... and for all of the problems with the relationship, and all the mistakes we both made ... sometimes I giggle when I think about the pizza topping names we had for each other. I was "his little mushwoom" and he was "my little sausage" ... lol ok, I know it's disturbing but the context had nothing to do with sex. It was this odd, but cute little thing that we did. I find myself missing my little sausage sometimes... and I wonder if he still reads this. Do you Adrian?... You did for a long time... I wonder if you still do. We should talk someday... if you do.
Before that it was Rich. On again and off again for almost two years. Arguably, one of my greatest loves to this date ... certainly a tumultuous and unhealthy relationship ... But I loved him. And he loved me. We just could never seem to make it work. And our lsat actions with each other ... his in NYC, and mine in the months to follow, make it pretty near unlikely we'll ever talk again. This might not be the worst thing... but I think about him a lot. I always hoped things would be different with him and I ... when I was different. I guess I gave up hope on that last year... but ... I loved him. I loved him very deeply, despite all the shit.
In between Adrian and Rich, there was Jonathan. We jumped into a relationship, but a relationship that seemed wonderful for the few months it lasted... he stayed at my house... we played house... we had the closest I've had to a normal life during the time I lived in Florida ... I've talked to Jonathan right before I left Florida, and he wished me well ... that was nice.
There've been people I've "dated" or "gone out with" since I've been here... but it's beeen a lot of lonely since I moved to Maine. I'm not desperate... it's not that i just want to date anybody. One thing I know about myself is that I have a tendency to look at guys I meet as potential dates first, and friends second. It's an old habit, and they say those die hard. I'm not even sure it's a bad thing ... but it usually ends up going nowhere, and I've spent all this time telling my friends about this new guy ... only to stop talking about him again a few days later.
I guess I just want to catch somebody's elses attention. It's been so long since somebody has looked at ME with those eyes... is that such a bad thing to want?
In the past few weeks, there were two different boys I'd met at different times. One I'd talked to for a while, and the other I'd just met... In both cases, there seemed to be promise of the beginnings of something ... A week later, and both are now seeing other people... and I'm trying to be the adult who smiles and says "Good for them..."
"Good for them." Cause it seems to bitter and selfish and pathetic to say what I really feel ...
When is it my turn?...
3:15 AM
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
OK, first of all I feel like Whitney Houston tonight. No special reason, just had to throw that out there!
Anyway ... so I had a groovy night with some groovy friends. Definitely feelin the groovy vibe.
Thinkin a lot of vibes today ....been trying to assemble the puzzle pieces and figure out what my game plan for the next few years is going to be. And in a few ways, even within the next several months.
So, apparently I didn't have anything that terribly exciting to say, because I'm pretty much out of things to type...
Here's to you Whitney! You go girl!
2:23 AM
Monday, November 08, 2004
I have had a few "almosts" in the past few weeks. Little beginnings of something with a boy that looked like it had potential. Turns out none of them did. Thought for a few days that I was going back to an old "crush" ... but decided that was I was actually doing there was something completely different. I've just grown exhausted of looking. And to that end I have some other things I've decided I'm going to begin focusing more energy on immediately.
#1.) My 10 year high school reuinion is coming up. I must concentrate all efforts into a crash diet, finding an appropriate guest, and selecting just the right look for the evening.
#2.) I'm finally writing the play that I've had skeletoned out in my head for almost 2 years now. And I think Portland is a great place to put it on. It's a two-person play, and I'm one of the people. (You can take that however...) I think it will be great fun. I want to write it, act in it, and work closely with a good director. And find a boy to play one character that is such a culmination of so many influences on my life.
#3.) I've got two opportunities to begin something to start me back on my path to NYC. A chain restaurant is hiring locally, that has a location in NYC. I'd been thinking that a job that I could transfer with, would help make the move back easier. The second is an actual career opportunity. An offer to get involved in something that will probably permanently change the direction of my life once again. In a very good way ... but ... change ... although good, is often times difficult.
So ... three big things I need to start focusing my energy on.
Yes, its nice to have someone to make all of this that much more exciting ... but I can't sit around and wait to do these things until I have someone to share them with. I've been doing that for far too long. It's time to start going the places that I want to go in my life ... and hope the elusive "one" ends up on my subway car ... or my Learning Annex Class ... or at a casting session, where I could be on either side of the table ...
If I'm gonna have to be a little lonely ... well by God, I'm not going to be "Bored AND Lonely!"
Look out world... HERE I COME ! ! ! !
OK, bed time. Must conquer world in morning. Mmmm, and maybe an english muffin.
First english muffin. Then conquer world.
I should probably get a palm pilot.
2:47 AM
Sunday, November 07, 2004
I just heard a great monologue in a movie. Bear in mind, I'm a wee-bit stoned, so I'm completely retelling it as I remember it ...
It was Steve Martin, in Father of The Bride 2, (Who knew this was a keeper?!?) and he's responding to his wife Diane Lane (who is going into labor) when she says "You were an hour late for our first date." ....
"I wasn't an hour late. I never told you this before?... Well, I got there, and I was standing outside the window, and I saw you sitting inside. You looked so beautiful sitting there waiting, drinking your water, talking to the waiter. I just stood there and watched you and fell in love with you. Then I watched you as you got into your blue V.W. with your hair blowing in the wind. And I stopped and I thought that I better do something, otherwise I would probably never see you again."
To which Diane Lane responds, "And that's how I almost hit you with my car."
Indeed.
Now that... that's kind of how I picture how I'm gonna meet that boy ... if he's out there...
I have no idea who he is, but that little scene in a Steve Martin movie made me think, maybe he's out there, and he's just waiting to run me over with his car...
Hey, a boy can dream ....
2:58 AM
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Sometimes ...
Sometimes I feel like I need to start over.
Not circumstances... but me... all of the things that I am so proud of about myself are also my biggest weaknesses.
I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of posting my feelings up here for all the world to see...and thinking that somehow ... somewhere... someones going to read all of this shit and think that I'm something special ...
Through it all I've always thought I was ....
I knew Bush would get re-elected. But I kept hoping for a surprise. I kept thinking that maybe the country would surprise us and kick the fucker out ...
I keep expecting the worst, but still deep down hoping for the best...
...and it's that part of me ... that deep down part... that is always the most disapointed when what I feel turns out to be the truth.
I hurt tonight...I hurt for a bunch of reasons. But I always heal ... I'm just not sure that I want to heal the same way anymore... Maybe it's time for that scar tissue to make something new... to be something new...
...cause I sure am fucking sick of myself.
3:33 AM
Saturday, October 30, 2004
My friend Brian from Florida told me recently that I really know how to tell a story. Ya see, I happen to lead a life that has somehow managed to piss off that lovely woman known as "Mother Fate" ... Yeah, so interesting, unique, and sometimes even rather downright crazy things happen to me on a semi-regular basis. And, apparently I have some small ability to write these crazy events down in some kind of interesting-to-read manner ... And, so it comes to pass that I have yet another exciting story to share with my dear blog readers.
Butterflies I was speaking of the other day ... I had met a boy. I hadn't expected really to. I had been talking to some other boy who I had an interest in ... but I was getting the feeling that it wasn't really going to develop into anything. And then all of a sudden I start talking to this boy I'd never chatted with online before. He sounded cool. He was someone I had some rather cool things in common with, and had watched "Desperates Housewives" and "Noises Off" with and smoked pot, and talked... it was a cool first meeting. I decided I was going to try to ask the boy out on a real date.
That's right... a REAL date.
The Wine Bar!
It was a great idea... Jamie and I came up with it as I had him on my cordless, and "Rocky" (yes, another 'Blog Name' to add to the list) on my AIM. I was being fairly dorky, which I accept is both an irritating and somewhat endearing at the same time, ability that I have.
Below is my best memory of the conversation: :)
ME: So yeah ... have you ever been to the Wine Bar?
HIM: No, I just turned 21 not that long ago.
ME: Oh yeah ... (and for me you're old honey!) :)
HIM: What's the wine bar?
ME: It's this really neat urban-chic (my best friend later told me I should have said "metro-chic") wine bar with couches and sometimes a piano player.
HIM: Sounds cool.
ME: Yeah, why don't we go and get a drink there.
HIM: I really can't for a while. No job.
ME: Hey, I invited YOU. So ... it's my treat.
HIM: OK ... but I'll owe you one.
ME: Yeah, yeah yeah ... Whatever... anyway... so, when?
HIM: Tommorrow night.
ME: (not even really pretending to be serious) Let me check my schedule...(without a pause) "Yes, tommorow happens to be free. (Here's me being a dork again.) Yeah it's a really cool place you'll like it. Jamie and I went there when I first got to Portland, and I always thought it would be a great date spot...but never got to do that...
HIM: Cool cool.
ME: (grumbling on the inside) OK ... well ... I guess we'll figure it all out tommorrow.
HIM: OK ..
ME: (under direct urging from Jamie on the phone) Fabulous. It's a date then. Talk to you tommorrow.
I immediately put my away message up.
HIM: Bastard! You did that on purpose.
Fuck! I have to go back ... that's a playful response. That's a good sign. Jamie concurs.
ME: Bastard! I don't know what you're talking about.
HIM: You're a dork!
HE GETS ME! I'm a fuckin dork! WOOOO HOO!!! The conversation ends shortly thereafter... Jamie is on the phone singing "You've got a date... You've got a date..."
I'm giggling.
I write a journal entry about butterflies.
The next night ... THE DATE.
An online conversation around 10:00pm starts the conversation:
HIM: Hey, what's up?
ME: Nothin', we still hangin out?
HIM: Definitely.
ME: (playing it cool) AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(LOL - ok, that may have been exageration, but let's face it... I suck at hiding my interest.)
HIM: Do you think they'll have a TV at the wine bar?... If the Sox win tonight, the win the World Series.
ME: Oh that's cool... well why don't we go somewhere else where we can see the game ... we can hit up the wine bar another night.
I was crushed. The Wine Bar was my big plan. It's what the outfit was based around ... the attitude ... all the great topics of conversation I had written on my hands (slight exageration again)... But ... it's a big thing around here. This sports thing. So ... I wanted him to have a good time.
we arrived at a bar in the Old Port (a groovy downtown Portland bar/shopping area on the waterfront) called "Gritty's" ... Just as I was standing at the bar ordering our first round of drinks, the entire place burst into screams. I followed everyone's gaze to the TV screen where I could almost make out that the Boston Red Sox had just won the World Series for the first time in 86 years. Well ... Goddamn!
For the rest of the night we were bombarded by straight men wanting a high five, or a hug, or a loud "YEAH RED SOX!" The drunker I got, the more obliging I was with these acts. "Rocky" ran into a few girls that he knew, one of whom I decided to confide in (via whisper) that I thought he was adorable... She proceeded to tell me I should come with him to her party on Halloween. I smiled and said I couldn't, but that it was sweet of her to offer. The truth was I had already picked up on the vibe that I was the one who was really thinking of this as a date. But ... probably the only one. I didn't want her to say this suggestion loud enough so he could here it. That would have just been awkward...and embarassing.
We walked back to his house from the Old Port ... ironically, he lives in the same house a boy named "Mikey" I used to hang with lived in. I'd slept over in that house several times. It was weird to see it looking so different. After running into a cool "bar-friend" of mine, Gillian, who was having an emotional night and lived right next to Rocky ... we went up to his apartment. We drank wine and talked on the back porch...
The memory becomes a bit hazy... I remember hearing familiar, and hated phrases...
"I think you're really cool..."
"...we need to hang out ... I'd really like to be friends..."
Cool and friends. They sound like great words, on paper, right? Yeah ... not when they follow each other... That's the kiss of death.
I drank a bit more... memory becomes hazy ... I get a cab home ... A memory of a failed goodnight kiss perhaps... a memory of telling him about being on the phone with Jamie, trying to say the right things ... DORK, DORK, DORK! I just had to have that last glass of wine. The lips just got looser and looser....
The next day I realized how truly fargone of a dork I am.
It was a first "date" ... if it was even that. But it was a really cool boy ... It would have been nice to have the second date butterflies with him too. That wasn't in the cards though. And, true to form, the next day, I was sad ... not mopey or pouty or looking for attention ... I was "Feel it on the inside, but try to keep up the happy face anyway" sad. Sad.
Sad cause I realized... butterflies is just another word for nausea.
Silly rabbit ...
2:13 AM
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Butterflies. I've written about them before... they're fun. Sometimes they're even more fun than your average orgasm...
OK, perhaps I'm going a little too far with that statement.
I met a cool boy.
I dig a cool boy.
I ... have no idea if the cool boy digs me.
I ... am so nervous about a date that may or may not be a date.
I ... I have butterflies.
Those are the usual events that lead to this lovely little feeling. You have no idea what could happen, let alone what will happen. But you've met someone cool ... and it's fun. It's exciting. And even though you had almost started to forget exactly how groovy the feeling was ... Suprise. There it is again.
And I'm reminded of a quote from the first episode of my new TV addiction "Desperate Housewives": Susan had thought the man she liked was doing her next door neighbor, so while spying she accidentally started a fire, which burned down her rival neighbors house. Later, as she stood there watching the fire with her friends, the man who she liked came up and inquired what was wrong... he had been at the movies all night. Surprised, Susan smiled, realizing that he must not have been the man upstairs with her neighbor, screwing away. And as the camera pulls back on Susan and Mike, in front of the burning house, the show's narrator (a dead housewive) says "Life was suddennly FULL of possibilities."
Indeed.
5:13 AM
Friday, October 22, 2004
I was sad last night... I was sad because someone read my blog and decided that they were no longer interested in me because of what they read.
I was sad... I was drunk... I called my best friend and left him a message .... and because I have the best friend in the entire world... he wrote something for me in his journal... Something that meant a lot, cause sometimes it's nice to have your honor defended.
http://www.starmann.blogspot.com/
I love you Jamie! Thanks for always being able to see all of me ... and love me anyway!
In retrospect, and after rereading the conversation I had with the person who read my blog ... he probably didn't really say anything all that bad. But it still hurt ... He told me that after reading what I wrote, he could no longer forsee any interest in dating me...
I decided that maybe I'm not going to take it lying down though ... I think I decided that maybe rolling over and playing dead isn't always the best course of action. Sometimes you have to evaluate the situation and see if the potential gain outweighs the potential loss.
It's completely just a feeling ... but ... this time I think it might.
1:49 PM
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
If one more person asks me what I'm going to be for Halloween I think that I might scream. I'm so sick of people talking about buying their costumes, or making their costumes, or deciding on their costumes! BLAH! What am I going to be for Halloween?!... Chances are I'm going to be a Friendly's waiter ... the same thing I am 5 or 6 days out of the week anyway.
The truth is I have no exciting Halloween parties on my agenda. None I've been invited to, none I'm throwing, and none that I'd probably even go to anyway. I guess in part because the loneliness has been sinking in a lot lately. I've been sleeping for 12-16 hour days, spending a lot of time by myself... all very ridiculous self pity kinda stuff... or perhaps it's all just recovery.
Ah yes ... the sordid story of last week that I've been taking so long to post on here. Last week was far from a boring week. The main excitement started last Tuesday night, and finally ended late on Friday evening...
Last Tuesday evening didn't start off any different then any other Tuesday evening. I got home from work around 10:30 in a rather cranky mood. I decided it would be a drinking night. I had the next day off, so I knew I could sit around with a miserable hangover all day proclaiming "I'm never drinking again ... as long as I live ..." Yadda, yadda, yadda. I listened to a message on my voice mail before going out. It was "Austin", my on-again-off-again drug dealer/friend. He's a bit of a wanderer and so from time to time he'll find himself in Portland, during which time I'll sometimes make a "tina" (tina=crystal meth for those of you who never get the reference) purchase, and he'll sometimes hang out for a bit as we both sit on our computers chit chatting away. I used to have a thing for "Austin" when I first met him ... but that a combination of factors made that a thing of the past. I now find myself entertained by his company, and do genuinely enjoy the random occasions when we do hang out these days.
Well his message that night said he was in town ... but when I tried to return the call, got no anwer. This is fairly typical of "Austin" and I just assumed that would be the last I'd hear from him, at least for a few days.
I went out to the bar, did my fair share of drinking, singing, and socializing with people who I never talk to any other time during the week. I left feeling empty, and sad ... There had been a chance Jamie was going to make it into town the next day for a vacation... I learned for certain before going out that night, that he wasn't going to be able to make it. I walked home thinking about Jamie ... and how I missed having my best partner-in-crime to make the evening not only bearable, but enjoyable.
Another message from "Austin" was waiting for me at home ... he'd be in town soon. Blah, blah, blah ... I decided around 1:15 in the morning I'd give him an hour.
True to form, he finally called at 5:15, ten minutes after I had finally given up and shut my eyes. He was on his way to a hook-up, so he couldn't stay and visit. We traded ... my money for his fun in a baggie.
I went up to my room and tried to decide whether or not to do a little now, or perhaps sleep first and play after a good nights sleep.
That was a brief thought, and a fast decision was made.
By 6, I was relatively lit, which basically just means zoned, hyper and ultra-horny. I sat there smoking off of tin foil while looking at dick pics on the various hook-up sites. At the same time, I downloaded porn and chatted with an old friend in Florida. Each time a potential hook-up would present itself, I found myself deciding against it for one reason or another. In theory, it sounded fun, but I knew I'd end up regretting it later ... and that pattern was just old and TIRED!
I ran out of "tina" by 8am.
I finally tore myself away from the computer at 8pm that night.
Dear God, I'd really just spent over 12 hours sitting at my computer desk, like a hornball. Being a big giant loser. Wow!
Mindy called a little while later and wanted to come over and smoke pot. "Oooooh! Good idea!" I thought. It would give me someone normal and fun to hang out with, I'd get stoned (I already was slightly) which would help bring me down from the tina, and stop the inclination I had to find a way to get more. (I know the process, and when I'm involved in it, it's a very conscious decision, knowing full well what any given choice will lead to.)
I was cleaning my room when Mindy arrived, and we smoked pot and she watched some really weird movie, while I filled two trash bags with junk from my room, and cleared some of the large pile in the corner of my room. (I call it "Mount Kevinsjunk")
Then the calls came. Not unexpectedly.
"Carl" one of my roommates friends heard I knew where to get "tina" and he wanted some. He'd buy it, and do it with me, if I could make it happen. I pretended to consider it for a moment. I'm not sure if the act was for Mindy's benefit, or for my own. Either way, I don't think I fooled anybody. An hour after Mindy had left, "Carl" arrives, and "Austin" follows shortly there after.
Now let me explain a bit these two characters so you can fully appreciate the humor in the situation that followed. "Austin" is a 21 year old, thin (although that's a recent thing) and pretty attractive (if not somewhat cracked out looking) young man. He is aware of the fact that he is young and cute, and I'd always thought, was pretty dismissive of trolls.
Speaking of trolls, I'll tell you about "Carl." Not to say that he is one, but I know that his dayjob involves guaring a bridge from some billygoats. That's all I'm sayin'! Now "Carl" is in his early 40's is a bit gruff looking, formerly married man who now enjoys getting drunk, doing crack and telling people "Nice cock!"
I expected that "Carl" would get shot down the first time he used sexual inuendo towards "Austin" ...
I expected that his hand would be pushed away when he started rubbing "Austin's" back ...
I expected that "Austin" would end up leaving, in order to escape "Carl's" advances...
All of these things I expected, but turned out not to be the case.
Now ... here comes where the story gets a little hairy. We do things in life sometimes that we do out of a curiousity. Many of them are bad for us ... Many of them are dangerous. Sometimes we want the experience. Just once.
It started off as innocent enough peer pressure. "Austin" was one of those people who preferred to do his "tina" the good old-fashioned junkie way. He likes to shoot it.
Now, needles have ALWAYS been objects of great fear for me. I'm squeamish, I hate pain, and I'm a huge baby! As a child, I had to have bloodtests on a bi-weekly basis to monitor the levels of ritalin in my body. (It was a new drug at the time, and so such precautions were nescesarry) The first time a nurse ever took my blood, it took her 6 pokes at me to finally get a vain.
"You want to try it?" he asked me, suddennly throwing me into a warped ABC Afterschool Special.
My biggest fear, oddly enough, wasn't what the drug would do to me. It was safety. Well "Austin" had packaged, individually sealed and sterile needles... never opened. So there went that pesky "sharing needles" sterotype that was always my biggest fear about even trying such a thing once. (To be fair, Rich and I attempted it back in our Florida Relationship From Hell/Drug Binge that we called a life... but were unsuccessful and gave up.)
I've always been one of those people that wants to experience life. And all it has to offer. I know myself. I could never be the type of person to shoot up drugs on a regular basis. I simply wouldn't be able to get past the "ick factor" ... So, my two biggest fears were null and void. I wouldn't be sharing needles, and it wouldn't lead me to some new terrible addiction.
So I was left with one thing. Curiousity. I see so many people who are so obsessed with it ... who are so hooked on it that way ... what was this feeling that they all were chasing so much?... I wanted to feel it once, so I'd know what I was talking about ... writing about ... thinking about ... judging about.
"Alright, do me!" I said.
As it turns out, "Austin" wasn't any better than that first nurse who gave me that blood test so many years ago. I was a pin cushion by the time we decided to give up for the night ... I had give far too much of my night over to pain, for something that no longer seemed that interesting to me. I kept thinking it would have had to have been a pretty damn good high to make up for that wretched experience.
The night was giving way to morning around 5, when "Carl" finally got "Austin's" dick out his pants. I was typing away on the computer when I look over to my bed to see "Carl" blowing "Austin" ... an act that continued until 8:30 the next morning.
Because I'm me, and felt more provoked then uncomfortable by the situation, kept throwing out wisecracks at the most inopportune times.
"It's times like these I really wish I'd taken up needlepoint."
"Oh wow, your manhunt ad didn't lie. That really IS thick."
"Why can't I find a razor that gets that close of a shave?"
And finally, when I noticed it was getting late, and Carl was going to be late for work, I started playing "9 to 5" on my computers speakers... But even Dolly's voice didn't stop this porn that was playing out on my bed.
I noticed "Austin" had fallen asleep around 8:15 that morning.
At 9, I said "Carl, he's been asleep for 45 minutes. Perhaps it's time you give up."
He did, thankfully. Off to work he went, and I decided to let "Austin" sleep for the day... he wouldn't given the choice, but I decided it was better he didn't make that one himself. I covered his naked ass up, and went about my day.
A friend was in the hospital for some minor surgery, and as it was just right down the street, I donned a pair of sunglasses and a wool cap, and off to the hospital I went. After a quick stop in the hospital gift shop, I was to learn that my friend had already been sent home. I was too late.
I went home, where "Austin" was still sleeping. I sit down at my computer, and "Frat Boy" IM's me ... Now that's who I was in the mood to hang out with! He was funny, he was crazy, I could talk to him ... and oh did I! I ended up blabbing to him for an hour, letting him know what I was really all about. Up until then, I'd always tried to have him only see me when I was in top form. Not because I had interest in him ... it was more of an admiration. Maybe he was my twisted version of "The Fonz" ... But there I was spilling all of my silly idiosincricies to him.
"Come smoke some weed, do a little tina with me, and give my lazy ass a ride to work!" I said to him.
That's right, it was now Thursday afternoon around 3. I'd woken from my last sleep Tuesday morning. And I had to work at 5. There was no way out of it, but I knew this would be my last night ... and so it would all be ok. Well ... at the time, I honestly thought it would be the last night. I thought I'd sleep that night for sure.
"Austin" woke up shortly before "Frat Boy" arrived. We actually had great banter back and forth, and I had a really good time hanging out with him in that time between when he woke up and when I left for work.
"Frat Boy" and I smoked weed the whole drive to my work. Then, we parked a short distance before my work and smoked some huge hits of "Tina" ... this would insure I'd be good to go for work that night.
And good to go I was. I was hyper, and silly, and funny, and right on top of everything. I'd find my energy waning once in a while... but I knew how to take care of that when it would happen.
Kristy gave me a ride home from work that night... and we decided to do a little bit of what I had left. Then the phone rings, and "Austin" is around ... more to sell ... do I want any?
Kristy and I both decide that a little more wouldn't hurt...as long as we were still in bed by a decent time.
As all of this is occuring, I get an IM on my computer. This kid who I've chatted with forever, but never met IM's me "Do you have any weed?"
I decide there was nothing on cable that would entertain me ... But gay Portland just might be able to serve up something amusing. Everything I'd heard about this "Nathan" boy was that he was a decent kid ... He was known for two things. Having an extremely large penis, and being a big old bottom. This is how gay Portland works I guess. I'd also heard he was quite a flamer, but a lot of fun. This surely was what I needed. With Kristy here, to add to the mix it would certainly be the most entertaining of nights.
"Nathan" arrived around midnight. Kristy and I were our usual crazy selves, and he seemed petrified of us from the beginning. He came across as a bit shallow, and quite girly... although I must admit that by the time he left later the next day, I'd come to hold a higher opinion of him.
The three of us aleternated between weed and tina, and shortly thereafter, my roommate Steve joined the mix. Not long after that "Austin" called to say he was coming back over to hang out ... It was turning into a party.
As I was waiting outside for "Austin" to arrive, "Frat Boy" and his friend Misty called and I told them to come join the fun. Misty was sloshed, and not her usual diva self when they arrived. "Frat Boy" spent a good bit of time just trying to keep her from being beligerent and to join in the fun. Eventually, "Austin" passed out a huge line of "tina" to everyone in the room ... and hers brought her closer to sobriety.
We all ended up in my roommates room by around 5am. Kristy had gone home, but it was still me, "Austin", "Nathan," "Frat Boy," Misty, Steve and I.
Misty and "Nathan" had hated each other at first. She tried to give him a drunken hug, which he embraced with a grimace. But eventually they found a common bond, and started chatting away. "Frat Boy" and I started talking, and "Austin" was on Steve's bed, looking at porn on his laptop. I sensed a sequel from the night before about to happen, and I decided to go back to my room.
"Austin" follwed a minute later and asked if I had saved the syringe full of stuff he'd been unable to give me the night before. I had stuffed it away in my closet, hidden in a shirtpocket.
He was steadier that morning, and this time got it in the first attempt.
"God, this better be worth it!" I said, anticipating the high.
It wasn't. It was nothing special. It was nothing horrible. It was a bit icky, in my opinion, and after sitting alone in my room for a few minutes, I texted "Frat Boy" to his cell to come to my room.
He did, and we sat and chatted for a while... and so the dynamic of the morning began to evolve. After sitting and chatting, about friendship, about sex, about the people who were in my house ... Misty was the next to join us. She had wandered over to see what was going on, and I began preparing a bit of "Tina" for the three of us to smoke. "Nathan" was the next to join my room, saying he was sick of being alone with them while they looked at porn.
From 6:30 that morning, till 11:30 that morning the 4 of us sat in my room and talked about everything under the sun. We'd smoke a little tina here. Smoke a little pot there. But mostly it was talking. FINALLY - the thing I like about doing drugs. Not sitting alone in front of my computer with a hardon all day, thinking about, but not actually hooking up. But actually hanging out ... talking ... about crazy things ... things you wouldn't usually say ... with people that you're getting to know in a fun exciting way.
I'd been awake for 3 days, but I'd finally started to have some fun!
I started thinking of ways to call in, around noon. Finally around 1 I made the call ... I was supposed to be in at 3. They weren't happy, but there was no way I would be functional at work.
"Austin" had left a short time earlier ... and I was chillen with no more drugs to do.
"Nathan" ended up coming back a little while later to smoke some weed with me ... This is not at all the type of boy I find myself attracted to. Normally, he's actually the type of person I would dismiss completely, right off the bat. But there was something about this kid... something below the surface. I made a mental note to investigate further. He might actually turn out to be a good friend.
I watched TV Friday night, laid in bed alone ... and tried to smoke enough pot to finally end my 72 hour day.
I finally fell asleep around 5:15 on Saturday morning.
It had been a very long day. I'd seen and done more in those 72 hours than many people do in a year... some in a lifetime. Some of it great. Some of it horrible. Some of it subject to opinion ... But at the end of it all ... when I'm looking back on a life full of extraordinary experiences... everything from my crazy drug times, to signing autographs in the middle of a shopping mall. From trailers in Florida, to penthouses over Central Park West. From hanging with drag queens, to schmoozing with celebrities. From having my picture in some fag nightlife mag, to having it in a soap magazine. I'm the type of person to regret the things I never did, rather then the ones that didn't turn out as I'd planned. That's who I am. So ... are days like these typical of what I do or what I stand for or how I chose to live my life? No, they don't. But do they represent in some way, not just the type of person that I am, but who I strive to be?
Yeah, I'd like to think so.
On tonights agenda: Snacks from the convenience store, a movie on cable, and waiting to chat with a boy who I've got on my mind lately... Kinda boring, huh?
Yeah. I like those nights a lot too.
6:55 PM
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Every once in a while, something completely unplanned can end up leading to a truly terrific evening. Last night I had one of those evenings, and it was pretty killer...
Work busted my ass last night. I was only there 5-11 but the place was just non-stop busy. I didn't get even 5 seconds to stop and take a butt break (smokin' duh!) until 9:40. Needless to say, I came home in a rather foul mood, ready to just seclude myself in my room, watch TV and plot the demise of some of my most hated customers of the evening.
As I walked in my door however, there were an unusual amount of people in the front area. It seems Tom (the owner of the house I live in) and Ben (his boyfriend) had houseguests in for the weekend. I'd met one of them the other day briefly, and had heard about the tall one they called "Big Bird" ... but then this adorable boy with a smile to die for walks into the room. This houseguest I had NOT met yet!
"Navy Boy", as I've made that his blog name ... was visiting with one of his friends from Pourtsmouth, and looked rather pouty (in a cute way) about the fact that everyone was ready to go to bed at midnight.
I was faced with a decision. Say goodnight, go up to my room and give into my moodiness.... OR ... or hang out, and see who this "Navy Boy" is ...
"I want a drink. Anybody comin?" I finally ask very matter-of-factly while making sure to not look at him directly when I did so.
"I'll go." he said almost immediately.
AWESOME!
We went to the local dive/troll bar "Blackstones" and had a couple of drinks. I had two huge Long Island's and he had a couple of Crown and Cokes. Eventually the bar closed and we walked home. He came up to my room to watch some tv and chill for a little bit. Jack stumbled in drunk a while later. As the three of us sat watching "Sex and The City", "Navy Boy" and I did that silly thing boys do when they're trying to flirt with each other. We slowly moved our legs closer together till finally they were just touching. Then we gave the obligatory 1 minute wait to see if there was any pulling away. If not, then the legs move closer together.
This whole scenario generally ends with (or at least goes as far as) rubbing each others legs with your hand and finally holding hands.
The whole process is extremely fun and I think it'd been too long since I had one of those. Eventually Jack left, and we continued to drink beer and watch "Sex and The City" ... as I was getting up for a potty break, I decided to plant the first kiss. Oh my GOD! Sexy lips DO make for a good kisser. Actually a fuckin GREAT kisser.
We didn't really go too far, but there definitely was some "making out while our pants were off" kinda action going on. He was really tired, and so before he went to sleep on me (and also before things went even further) I kissed him on the forhead and then laid on his chest. We were asleep almost immediately.
This morning half of the residents and both of the houseguests descended upon my room to find us cuddled up in bed. They said Jack was cooking breakfast and if we wanted some to come on down. We laid in bed again for a few minutes, cuddling and just being goobers. Then he began sniffing the air ... the smell of bacon was filling the house.
It was almost like out of one of those old Bugs Bunny cartoons when someone smells something good, and the smell (usually in a cloud of smoke to let you know it's a smell) lifts them up from the ground and takes them to the source.
"Go get some breakfast!" I told him. "I'm stayin here."
I laid in bed for the next two hours mostly just thinking about what a cool night it had been. I couldn't fall back asleep, but it was nice to just relax. He came up around 11:30 to say they were off to the Bus and Trolley Museum (don't ask - but that's the passion du jour of Tom and Ben) to drive around some buses. (Or "motor coaches" as I'm told is the only acceptable term in this house)
I told him he'd find a piece of paper in my shoe with my phone number on it. He looked down at his shoes, saw it and smiled.
There was a lot of eye contact while both being silent kind of thing for 5 seconds here... 5 seconds there... It was like he wanted to say something, or felt like he should say something ... but didn't know what.
If my teeth had been brushed already (stupid ME!) I would have given him a goodbye kiss... they're usually a good gauge of whether or not you'll see someone again. The kisses at night are always passionate ... they're hot and sensual and lustful ... but morning after kisses can go either way. They can be like that ... or if there are regrets or guilt or any of those other icky feelings ... the kiss will be brief and almost an insult of it's former self.
But I had morning breathe ... so I didn't get to administer the test.
I don't think I'm going to stress over this one. I don't think I'm going to worry if he's going to call. I think I'm going to see if the playing it cool thing really does have some merit to it. I'd definitely dig hanging out with this boy again ... but if not then I still had that truly terrific evening.
1:46 PM
Saturday, October 09, 2004
I think I'm finally finding my circle of friends. Some of them have been around for a little while... some have just recently come along. Some are truly close people who I treasure deeply... some are casual aquaintances who sort of round out the series of my life with the occasional recurring guest star spot.
Kristy has been a constant close friend since we met. We've drifted a part a bit lately. She's going through some hard times, so I try to write off her mood swings as nothing personal and still try to find a way to be there for her. "Buttons & Mindy" as I like to call my favorite dynamic duo now, come over and hang out often. I haven't had friends like that for a long time. People who just get together and come over and see me just because they enjoy my company. And ... who come visit a lot. It's awesome. Some nights we play cards, some nights we smoke pot (well not ALL of us!) , somenights we watch "Dead Like Me," some nights we drink wine ... and some nights we do all of those things and more. Many of my most fun moments during the week are with them.
There's my pizza delivery boy friend (who used to be the chinese food boy delivery friend) who I see maybe once every other week, and talk to online occasionally. We'll hang out sometimes... or sometimes if I've ordered pizza, we'll smoke before he goes to his next delivery. When I first met him, I think I did my usual "this boy is nice...I should like him" thing...and cause of that we never got to be nescesarily close friends. (Nothing of any other nature to report either.) But he's a cool friend who I'll see every once and again and just chill with, smoke with, and talk to for an hour or two. Not someone I see a lot ... but a valued part of the circle.
There's Alonzo (a story on this will follow) who I hang out with, party with and feel stupid with every few months. I never feel good at the end of a day hanging out with Alonzo ... but I feel like somehow I've given myself a "soul enema" that will keep the toxins out for another few months. Last weekend, with him, for the first time in two years I took X.
OK, so let me tell you ... I've done many things in the many times I've rolled on X. Parties, sex, the beach, roller coasters and beer school at Busch Gardens .... One thing I had never tried was waiting tables while still feeling major effects from the X. DEAR GOD!!! Perhaps the worst four hours 39 minutes and 12 seconds of my ENTIRE LIFE!)
"If you'll look on this page right here ... you'll find a bunch of chicken meals... they all come with a free Happy Ending sunday ... and it is such a happy ending. I mean we should call it a blissful ending ... mmmmmmmmmmmmm.... It melts in your mouth and the cold of the ice cream pierces your tongue...."
OH MY GOD IT WAS HORRIBLE! I had my face under the heat lamp in the cooks line saying "Am I tanning?" I practacially massaged a cardboard box until I realized it was my manager just in time. It was NOT my finest night of work. Thankfully, there were no casualties.
Others in my life... there's "That Kelsey Girl" who is away at school now, but stopped in to see me while she was in Portland just a few days ago. This is a girl who I have an odd feeling I'll know for a long time... I think we'll continue to get to know each other for a long time to come ... She kinda is that little big sister... And hey, that's how the gay guys around Portland now her! LOL
Jack, my roommate that I absolutely adore (and am often to be found yelling "Shady Pines Ma!" to) and I went out to have some beers and play some pool for a few hours the other night. It was a scream. Just havin a few beers... playin some pool ... shooting the shit. Good times like that are few and far between ... and I wish that weren't the case.
Jamie, my best friend in the world...who not in the "geographical circle" of which I was referring still has to count because even when he's not here - he's here. That's a wonderful thing. He is going to try to make a visit this week ... not sure if it's too down to the wire or not ... but we're lookin at it.
Monday night I did something that just tickles me pink. I "went out with some of the girls from work." I LOVE THE WAY THAT SOUNDS! I feel like Mary Tyler Moore or somethin ... lol - anyway, they took me out for a late birthday drink after our shift. We didn't stay out late... bitched about the bullshit at work ... talked a little bit about men, and then went home. It was everything I'd dreamed it was! And more! Woo-hoo, my feminine side right here girlfriend! :)
There's "Frat Boy" who I also hung out with this week. We smoked, drank beers, watched some TV ... talked about a bunch of random shit. He tells hillarious stories and he's rather entertaining to watch because he's so animated. I was kinda feelin frisky that night, but resisted trying to steer things in that direction. Later, I wondered if that was a smart idea, or just a silly mistake! Hehehehe. Ah the crux of being a guy.
I talked to my old roommate Kate this week... we got to chat about some things going on in her life. I miss Kate a lot sometimes... and there's still issues that need to be resolved there. But I truly do love that girl, and would like to work on repairing that relationship.
And there's Joanna and her fiancee Jason, who I attended many social gatherings with ... me and Jamie. Dinners and margaritas... nights of DVD trivial pursuit and lasagna...and many other great times. I flaked on plans with Joanna a few times... and so she and I never got to develop what I had once thought would be a great friendship. Well Jason and Joanna came into my work this week (I'm not sure if it was on purpose or just convenience) and I waited on them. We chit chatted a bit and I said I'd call. I think I will, just to see ... It never hurts to try.
All in all ...I think it's been a great week for being able to look around and finally say "Yeah, I see who my friends I have nearby are..." I think I didn't recognize it at first, because it didn't quite seem like what that usual picture is for me. As a matter of fact, that I think is the thing that changes the most frequently about me. The people who I have around me. The choices I make in friends. And I think, for the first time in a while, I'm starting to feel good about those choices. I don't feel so lonely anymore ... and I've got some great people to thank for that.
Cheers! I'll drink to that!
3:33 AM
Friday, October 01, 2004
"I mean this is the person you slept in subway cars with, and went to horribly exciting over-the-top parties with... this is the one who told you the man of your dreams WOULD come along some day. a love you could die for, and oh you will..... oh you will."
My best friend wrote that in his blog recently about me. It's weird to read it. Weird because we did have all those insane adventures together. We stayed at the Mariott Marquis on a whirlwing lavish weekend in NYC to escape the insanity that was Florida. We have sat and talked till the wee hours of the morning about everything under the sun. We've done every drug together known to man, and had some amazing nights doing it ... some at our very own party palace, and some at a double-wide trailer in backwoods Florida with 300 people on an average weekend. We've sat on the phone together, thousands of miles apart, drinking wine and having a girl talk ... just like we were sitting on the bed doing the same thing. We've laughed and we've cried at the antics of Carrie on Sex and the City ... and we've had police search our house and take me out in cuffs. Jamie and I really have done it all. The good, the bad ... the crazy ... and yes, from time to time - the ugly.
The second reason it's weird to read it is because in some way, it sounds as though over the years perhaps my message of hope in the love department has leaned towards the optimistic. That's ironic to me because it never feel optimistic. I think I like to see my self as someone who keeps getting knocked down, but has something inside him saying that "some day..." I think that's inaccurate though. It's maybe the "P.R. spin" that any good publicist would put on it.
I think the truth is that I want what I say I think to be true... But I think that's just a good cover for someone who is slowly coming more to the realization that I might just be a little too "me" for anyone else to really click with in any sort of meaningful way. To look at someone that you're still getting to know and have that same look when you look at each other. "Wow ... I'm so lucky right now."
I often let myself go through the motions of that particular act even when I know I'm not fully in it. And then I find myself disapointed when the illusion crumbles on their side... or if not, then fairly soon in mine.
And sometimes... sometimes I genuinely feel it. I think that I've really finally met that someone special. And they ... they think that I'm a wonderful person who they would love to be friends with. Or ... or they're a little wise to my particular brand of boy, and let me go through my motions for some ulterior motives of their own. And in any of those situations, I end up losing a little more of that optimism and gaining a little bit more of that fear.
I met some boy tonight ... and more than anything he represents an extremely familiar situation in my life. I met him ... and before really getting a chance to find out what he was about, saw him find someone else much more appealing.
Now, a logical person realizes that their own personal insecurities and concludes that they could play a role in why these things happen frequently. But ... that said, there's still the other part of the equation. Someone is still always preferring Option B over Option A based on what usually turn out to be the same reasons.
Pride prevents me from saying what I feel those reasons are ... it sounds lame and I have to draw the lame line somewhere.
The boy tonight was nice... he was cute... but I lost his attention as soon as a cuter boy came along.
I'm not bummed about the boy... I didn't even really get much chance to start talkin to him ... I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm doing that because so often when I'm feeling good about myself and have let that confidence start to build up a little bit ... I still give it up so easily over the same stupid thing.
On this particular night I decided to put those thoughts out of my head... and read what my best friend was thinking about and how his mental health was fairing. And then I read his blog and see those words about me. The words that paint a picture of me that I so wish I felt bore more of an actual likenes...
"I mean this is the person you slept in subway cars with, and went to horribly exciting over-the-top parties with... this is the one who told you the man of your dreams WOULD come along some day. a love you could die for, and oh you will..... oh you will."
3:02 AM
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Wow. So what a whirlwind week it's been. Often times when I don't blog for a while, it's because a lot is going on. Well ... the birthday weekend has come and gone. And ... what can I say?... I laughed. I cried. It was better than Cats.
OK ... Thursday night was the beginning. Danielle, my favorite of the ice cream girls at work, had decided that she and her high school girls field hockey team (all 16 of them) were going to come into Friendly's that night for dinner and to wish me a Happy Birthday. Indeed they did. I suck with large parties, so I was frantically trying to get all of their orders in and out right, and keep their checks all seperate. All of a sudden, when I came out to get their ice cream order, the entire table (and the rest of the restaurant soon followed suit) began singing Happy Birthday to me ... It was embarassing as hell ...but I loved it of course.
Friday was my last night of work before my time off for my birthday. I have a couple of regular customers who come in every week and are just the sweetest people. Well they heard that I was going to do a birthday dinner at Margaritas ... so they got me a $15 gift certificate. It was so sweet and touching that these customers of mine went out of their way to do something that nice. Kristy showed up then on her night off to bring me a card and a present also ... a little wooden box, with a few "weed accessories" inside.
Saturday was the big day. Dinner and drinks at Margaritas with my Portland friends. I had like 25 people on the list to show up ... one of whom was "Frank", who I'd recently started talking to again. I'd called looking for closure, and what was starting to develop was a new friendship. One that seemed like it would be better this time around.
He was the first to show up at my house that night ... as it turned out the only one who showed up for pregame at my house. It was so weird to see him again. A mixture of so many things, that I wasn't quite sure how I felt. Definitely glad he was there though.
We headed to the restaurant around 8, and sat there drinking and getting our buzz on. Mindy showed up after a little while. And it was the 3 of us ... till about 9:30 when Kristy showed up after work. 3 people at my "big birthday dinner."
I was sad cause I felt ditched. I felt like all these people said they were coming ... then no show. Blah! But ... that feeling disappeared quickly. "Frank", Mindy and Kristy did everything they could to make it a great night for me. They laughed with me, drank with me ... wouldn't let me touch the check when it came. "Frank" kept telling me it was my night.
I've used the name "Frank" for a while to talk about him ... but his name is Bobby. I'm writing this now, because he really earned a place as my friend that night. At the restaurant. After at the "post-party" with him and the girls at my house ... and later that night when we talked and hashed out all of the things from the past ... which are now exactly that. Things from the oast. Bobby is a really special person, and proved his loyalty and friendship that night... and it was a time when I really needed it.
The next morning he saw me off and I headed to the Big Apple. As soon as I stepped off the bus I felt like I was home again. I started thinking it's soon time to set a moving date. I need to be back in my city soon. I walked around the village for a bit, then headed to the Duplex, where Kristina, Samara, Jeff and James joined me for a night of piano bar fun. At one point Jeff shouted out to the singing cocktail waitress that it was my birthday, so the whole place sang to me. And then, without even being asked, our waitress burst into "I'm Not Afraid Of Anything", one of my favorite showtunes ... I've even posted the lyrics on here before.
Afterwards James and I headed to my favorite rooftop in NYC, got stoned, and passed out under the stars. The next morning we awoke, and hopped a bus to Maine. (James is from here but lives in NYC now ... he decided to come back to visit his friends and such.)
Monday night we arrived back and Bobby and Mindy called. They decided to come over and spend the last few hours of my birthday with me. We played "Weed" (this HOT new card game I have) and just hung out... Two friends who proved this weekend that not everyone is shit.
Last night they popped over again, this time with belated birthday presents. (As if they hadn't done enough!) I am now the proud new owner of a cute new computer desk, and a brand new cordless phone. (Both VERY nice!)
I've been off work all week, but am actually about to run in and pick up a shift. The cash flow is hurtin' right now ... time to go sell some chicken strip baskets and bring in some money!
It was a weekend with a few dissapointments, but much more good then bad. And really, I couldn't have asked for a whole lot more ...
Happy Birthday!? You betcha!
3:29 PM
Monday, September 27, 2004
I can almost feel the old age setting in. UGH, yes, I'm oficially 28 now! Ick! I'm ready for the retirement home ..
Just wanted to jump on for two minutes and write a quick entry from the Big Apple.
I'll tell the whole story of the birthday weekend when I arrive home ... needless to say the highlights included being serenaded at work by a girls high school field hockey team, a dinner in Maine that only a few people came to (the right ones thankfully), some closure to something that really needed it, a new beginning, and fun night at the Duplex (best piano bar in NYC), that ended with me smoking pot and sleeping on a roof with some boy from Maine.
It's been an interesting one ... I'll write the whole story when I get home ... but for now, I just wanted to leave y'all with the promise of stories to come ...
Goddamn, I feel old!
9:08 AM
Thursday, September 23, 2004
I always have the most interesting revelations about myself when I'm stoned. When I'm drunk, I'm absolutely incoherent ... but stoned, I'm often not only introspective, but surprisingly witty and clever. It's often why I choce this time to write in my blog.
The thought that came to me as I was lying on my bed, watching SoapNet (Today's One Life To Live, tonight. SoapNet, the new way to watch soaps!) when tonights revelation occured. When meeting a cool new person, I always look at them as a possible romantic interest first, and a potential new friend second.
Perhaps this holds some of the burden for why I constantly feel as though "the one" is never out there for me, and at the same time feel a lack of any sort of "circle of close friends."
A few different situations bring this thought to my head tonight. The reconnecting and new beginning with someone who has been missing for a while. A new presenc in my life of a funny, attractive and intelligent man, who I can't decide if I'm not sure why I have a crush on him, or why I don't have one on him. And ... my upcoming birthday, where a few of my ex's may be on the guest list for both of my celebrations. How will that work out?
Sautrday night, here in Portland I'll be having a gathering of friends and co-workers at Margaritas (in the lounge area of the St. John's St location) at 8 o'clock.
Sunday night in NYC, I'll be at the Duplex, one of my favorite piano bars at 9pm, meeting up with some friends I haven't seen in a while, to ring in the midnight when I'll be turning the big 2-8.
Both nights, I'm expecting to see people who once played the role of "signifigant other" at some point in my life... and both nights I'll also be thinking of the two people who share birthday love with me.
Tom ... who shares the same birthday, with only a year apart ... When we met, we found out quickly this wasn't the only bizarre connection we had. Mutual friends, both working in the soap industry, and having attended the same parties on Emmy night were just a few of the things we had in common before even meeting.
Al, whose birthday is just before mine, who I met on Christmas Eve and had one truly great evening with. We planned to spend our birthdays together, no matter what other things transpired between then and then ... But... some things we convince ourselves of, don't always turn out the way we had hoped.
I'm optimistic about the weekend to come. I've decided to enjoy my vacation and instead of trying to make a fantastic birthday weekend happen, just sit back and see what the weekend brings to me. Maybe it will be "just what I wanted..."
...whatever that actually is.
2:42 AM
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Closure has always been important to me. The irony lies in the fact that very few of my relationships actually receive closure, so in essence it's something I'm always chasing.
I made attempts at "doing the closure thing" with a few people in my life this week. I wrote an email to one. Had a phone conversation with two. And ... I gave Teddy, someone from my past who I'd been reconnecting with lately, several chances to keep the friendship door open ... but in the end he wasn't capable of any of the really important steps.
I'm being so vague and cryptic, mostly just because the stories themselves are all so complicated and drawn out ... and in some cases just best kept in my head and not in my journal.
I guess I will talk about Teddy though. The boyfriend that never was, so to speak. The whole lurid story is actually in this same journal, flash back almost a year when I was preparing to move here to Maine, from good old Tampa, Florida.
I met Teddy right before the vacation to Maine, that resulted in my subsequent move here. The chemistry was great right off the bat... but where can youi go when you just met a great guy, and you're going to be living in two different states?
We kept in touch off and on over the past year and he wan going to ccme and spend the birthday weekend with me.. It'd been planned for a few weeks now ... and it was more with the intent of j ust having an awesome time and having yet another person there I would be excited to see ... Then the question became about whether there were any other expectatons... We seemed to havea mutual agreement on this topic ... but I remembered last year, when he said something I doubted ... only to have me confirm my suspicious by reading his live journal. (Yeah, ain't that a real bitter irony!)
Well... it seems history does repeat itself. After reading his journal this week, I decided it wasn't a good idea to have him with me that weekend. I told him so and he said to not make a definite decision until we talked later. Sufficed to say ... I gave him 2 days for that connversaion to happen ... it still has not.
I'm also getting sadder, as the birthday draws near. There's Al, who I met over Christmas, whose birthday is 2 days apart from mine. Al and I had promised a while back that even if we stopped talking for a while...and no matter where we were in our lives ... we'd spend out biirtjdays together. That was going to be our weekend. I realized a while back that wouldn't happen ... probably later than I should have though.
And romantic interest in Maine ... there's only one even stir or romance goin on here in Portland ... and truthfully, I think he's going to mess it up. Someone who I think I can relate to on some of the worrries and fears... and connect to on some emotional leel. But.... a coombination of factors (lack of time, the creating of distance in conversatons, and the occasional over-emotional tizzy from me) seem to keep it from going anywhere. :(
Now, while I say there is no other romance in Maine, there is indeed an odd infatuation I've got going on. OK, I'm not sure I chose the right word ... if for no other reason than I know that his head would swell at that particular phrasing. But ... this extremely fun person I've "known" (mostly via chat) for almost a year now, but am just really lately spending any time with. First he's a scorpio which makes him completely undateable. (I've just had such a love/hate relationship with that sign over the years) ... He reminds me in many ways of a "Frat Boy", so I think that shall beecome what we call him in this journal.
Anyway, so "Frat Boy" has the ability to charm the fleas off a sheep dog. He's got charisma out the ass, he's clearly intelligent, quite the little hottie and he's one of those people that when you hang out with him ... there's a certain fun you have just being in his presence.
In addition, last night I got to also experience his female counterpart and best friend, who somehow at some point I think I was kissing. LOL - I was kinda wasted, she was fierce, and it kind of amused me in some strange reason.
Anyway ... two very interesting people who I'm definitely quite fascinated with... LOL - In neiher case could it be someone I would find myself dating, but certainly two characters that warrant firther observation.
I'm closing at work all weekend, so lots of work and no time for me to get into any trouble, do any partying, or cry myself to loudly to sleep. Good thing on all counts, I asssure you.
Next Saturday night for those of you in Maine, will be my birthday dinner. I'll be doing an E-Vite tommorrow I think ...and Sunday night and Monday will be NYC ... I've got to put that all together too. I keep hoping Jamie will make it. I spent last birthday without my best friend, and I don't want to spend this one without him too... especially this one. Of course, now that I think about it, I don't think I spent either of his last two with him either ... So ... I guess what goes around comes around.
Wow. I hadn't actually planned to write such a long one tonight ... But I guess I've had a lot on my mind lately. I've been thinking lately how it really does help to write about it in here... and it's interesting to go back and read how I was feeling at other points in the past few years. I should read old blogs perhaps more often ... they say there is much to be learned from the past.
Indeed.
2:06 AM
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
I hate my life...
...but it's great comedy!
Just like that these two thoughts came into my head as I was sitting on my front stoop at 4:30 am, still feeling the effects of a few days of tina ... a few recently smoked bowls... and the anticpation of the xanax that would finally end my 39 hour day.
It's been a while since I posted, but when that rather amusingly tragic thought occured to me I realized it was to be the beginning of my first blog in going on damn near a month.
BAD KEVIN! BAD, BAD KEVIN!
The truth is the past few weeks have been filled with stories of what a small world it is ... a potential romantic interest that seems to be headed more for disapointment, and much indecision and last minute reconsiderations about my big birthday weekend.
My birthday last year was to be this great celebration of my moving forward and taking charge of my life. Instead it became about a bitter end to a long term, on again, off again dysfunctional yet somehow treasurable relationship. I was excited to spend my birthday with a sense of pride and a positive outlook for the future... and to get the one thing I wanted more than anything for THAT day. The libra scales tattoo. Someone who had long been one of my most beloved boyfriends and one of the greatest sources of pain in my life at the same time not only abandoned me during my favorite part of my birthday night, but ended up failing to grant me the one request I made of teh weekend.. dont do what you do with this one person. It would be something that would hurt me, even if the reasons seem silly to you. I didn't get my tattoo, and Rich and Eric left my party at my favorite piano bar in NYC at midight, to go check out a cooler club that had some cute boys. I didn't see them till they returned to our hotel morning at 11:30 the next morning.
To this day, that's a hurt that sticks with me. I retailiated at one of them ina way that I'm truly ashamed of. He hurt me in such a final way ... during a time that I thought was going to be so meaningful for us... a new beginning ... finally he was going to see the me that I was becoming after such a long road. The detaisl that followed the rest of his visit only served to prove that I meant nothing to this person, who through so many ups and downs had somehow remained in my heart without me even knowing it. I responded in such a bad way. I thought of the one way I could betray him that I never would have. That perhaps anyone else.. but never to Rich. He trusted me and I valued that above everythign. I had to do something that there could be no turning back from. He'd never forgive me, so I would never have to even think about forgiving him. It would be a moot point.
I look back on what I did with so much regret. I valued that he trusted me with things that no one else would even be considered gaining access to. And I never violated that while we were together. Not when we broke up. Not when we go tback together... and over and over... But this time... It was the worst hurt not only because of the action, but because it was a day he knew I wanted to be perfect and symbolic of where I was headed.
I don't care that they fucked. I care that I had such hope that prehaps ... if even a slow road... we could be on our way to becoming important people, who in some way, would always be a part of each others lives. And I care that he knew that... and that either he hated me so much, or just felt so little regrd for feelings he knew were fragile... And I can't honestly decide which was worse.
Lately he's been in my thoughts. Perhaps because the birthday is coming up. Perhaps because I have such issues with things that don't get proper clusure. They haunt me and pop up at the most random moments.
Other things ..
Someone who I thought had done something for me with my best interests at heart, appears to have actually just been trying to manipulate a situation for some weird reasons I do not understand. What makes this even more hurtful was that when he had made this overture, I was genuinely touched and told him so It gave me faith that people do nice things for one another sometime. And it's not every man for himself. And I shared those feelings with him, in my typical "heart on my sleeve fashion." What makes this story even harder for me to accept as anything other than a horrible thank you for a TRUE gesture of friendship. You see, my concerned friend Chris was someone I've known off and on for a while. And a week ago, one of his friends said somethign to me that shocked me. He said that he didn't know if I ever knew, but one night when I was talking to Chris on the phone, worried that he was beign self-destructve, he was preparing to drive off the bridge and end the pain he was in that night. I apparently rambled and sputtered out cheesy advice, that distracted him for just a minute... By the time he snapped out of it, he had crossed the bridge, and decided, I suppose to rethink things. The person who told me this story offered it as a reason why he no longer has a problem for me. "You saved his life, even if it was unknowingly."
Yeah. Yesterday I hear that Chris has been quoting me with these statements I never even THIUGHT let alone said... apparentyly in attempt to further sabotage my getting to know this person.
Wow. It was the nicest thing someone had done for me in a very l;ong time. As it turns out, it's a great big thank you, just spelled as "Fuck You."
My faith in people goes back to where it's been lately. And then it went a llittle further down. That maeks me sad.
I've got a lot of things to think about over the next few days. How to pursue someone that I think I really want to become friends with, without seeming as though I am looking for more. And, do I tell this new friend, whio I respect already, information that will hurt him greatly, but perhaps ultimately save him from a FAR greater hurt?
I wonder about my birthday ... I'm rethinking what I want the most important part of that weekend to be. And what logisitcal changes that involves to the plan I've been going with up until now. A decision on that needs to be made soon. This birthday ... I won't let it be last year. This year, I make the right choices about what I truly want to celebrate. And the people in my life who would like to celebrate it with me, should be there... And then there's the reconsidering the where...
BLAH! I'll know more tommorrow about that.
It's 6:30 and I fear the Xanax I have taken will not be subduing me from my still quite awake state. Currenly, I have in my system a wee bit of that Miss Tina lady ,.. a couple of ladies named Mary Jane ... And that lovely drag queen Xanax.
Next hournal post I'll share my night out with Mindy and the Sorority Girls to gay karaoke. (The pregant one was a SCREAM!) I'll also tell the funny story about the cab driver, the waiter and a bunch of sluts.
And... I'm also going to write about the conversation I had that gave me perhaps the only "Frank" closure I'll have. I finally broke the silence and had a heart-to-heart outside Somewhere with Adam ... the one who "Frank" started dating, right around the time he stopped remembering that there was this "Kevin Kid" who didn't want him to completely leave his life.
I heard some things that jabbed like little needles in my heart... and a very nice moment that made me realize that the person who replaced me as the "sidekick with boyfriend moments and fun benfits" ... was actually a good person. I didn't feel worthless anymore. He may have thought he traded up ... but I think he jsut got anther model of a pretty decent line. The gay guy who cares about not just himself, but for the others in that gay community we call "family"
My rambling for toniught is over... I have shared a bit of what's been going on in my life and in my mind for the past few weeks. I'll try to hit some more bases next time.
One special note to someone who might be reading this. I'm one of the good guys. And I really think it's possible that you are as well. They're so rare ... don't run away just yet. If there's nothing to pursue, that will be obvious quick. If there's some connection or siomilarity or ... mutual interest ... Do the scary thing that I'm really trying to do. Don't run away cause youthink it's going to be a repeat of the same bad episode...
Season Premiere week is here... and there are a few things worth watching. Don't turn off that TV yet.
God, my analogies are fucking retarded!
I hate my life...
...but it IS good comedy!
True that. Dark Comedy. But certainly comedy.
5:55 AM
Thursday, August 19, 2004
A few months ago, while hard at work, I noticed a new name on the board as one of the servers for the evening.
"Kelsey?" I asked. "I have been hearing that name the past few days. Who is that Kelsey girl?"
A blonde girl who was standing with her back to me (who I thought was another server) turns around and says "That's me!"
DOH! I have a moment of feeling embarassed, but I quickly decide to turn it into a joke. From that point on, I've called her "That Kelsey Girl" ...
Well then, she added to my arsenal of humor by turning her section into the alcohol section, where you can feel free to consume as much beer, wine or liquor as you want. (OK, what actually happened was she let someone drink a drink they had brought in, and got busted for it.) But of course, I made it my new running joke.
Well she's funny, That Kelsey Girl, so I would bug her a lot at work, as I tend to do with people who amuse me. Little things, like putting hard boiled eggs in her drinks, squirting creamers on her, and generally taunting her.
After a little while, I started bumming rides home off her. We;d chit chat ... well one night we traded AIM names... and started chatting online ... and finally I was like "Wow, That Kelsey Girl is a really cool shit..."
Tuesday night she went out with me for karaoke at Somewhere Else and we had a blast. As she is only 19, we decided to concoct a story, designed to keep her from getting carded. She became my BIG sister, which we managed to have the whole bar believing all night.
We ended up getting drunk amd singing "Love Shack" ... it was a really good night.
That Kelsey Girl leaves to go back to college soon ... which makes me kinda sad. I often think about the fact that I haven't made many close friends since moving to Portland. I know it's of my own chosing ... but still... it's lonely sometimes. And That Kelsey Girl ... I dunno ... I think she would probably end up becoming a good friend ...
"Ah! Here's a friend you shall have fun and laugh with!" says Fate.
"Awesome!" You exclaim.
"HAHA!" smiles Fate. "She go bye-byes..."
Fuckin' Fate really needs to get a better sense of humor.
Love Shack ... baby Love Shack ... bang bang bang on the door baby...
Good times regardless. Good times.
2:00 PM
|
|
| |
|
|
|
