A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Monday, July 26, 2004
I'm breaking a rule I seldom break on here ... but I'm high as a motherfucker, plus it's my rule so I can do what I wanna ...
But anyway, this rule is that as a general rule, while I'm aware that people I know read my blog, I don't use it as a way of sending messages to anybody. It's just me saying what I think, and whoever choses to read it is doing so because they have an interest in what I'm thinking, and took the effort to learn about it.
Well, every once in a very blue moon, I do use this as a sounding board to someone who I thinks reads it. And this is what I'm about to do ... and the person who it's intended for will hopefully see, as I think they still read it ... for whatever reason.
If you have an interest in reading the things that I have to say, then perhaps you should reestablish a dialogue with me. Past business aside, I still think that you're an extremely special (no pun intended) person ... and just because you're not in my life in one way, doesn't mean you can't be in another. I miss you, and I figured hey, why not be real about that?... So I am ... That's about all I can do ... Up to you from there. Hope you're well.
2:04 AM
Thursday, July 22, 2004
It's been a really long time since I've posted anything in here... I have freinds who have been on my case every day "Why haven't you posted?" Well, the answer is simple: a bitch gets BUSY!
LOL - now by "getting busy" I don't nescesarily mean in a fun way ... but it's been an eventful past few weeks. The more time goes by, and the more things happen, the more I try to think of some great theme that I can tie it all together with to make this one big giant long blog update. BLAH! I have no such luck. And as it finally turns out, I'm sitting here typing it when I should be getting ready for work, and don't really have a lot of time to put thught into it. Well ... let's go with the highlights then.
I've been hanging out a lot with my friend Mindy... I first met Mindy because she was one of "Frank"'s friends... then after he and I stopped talking, eventually so did she and he. Eventually Mindy and I decided to start hangin out ... and now she's my new bud. She's a really cool girl and I have a lot of fun when we hang out. A few weeks ago her, myself and Ben (aka Macauley Culkin) went to Old Orchard Beach ... basically a big beach/boardwalk area here in Maine and drank, smoked pot, ate pizza and rode a bunch of rides. It was a really fun night ... afterwards we ended up at Blackstones, where I ran into "Jamie's replacement" again and he and I had it out for the last time. Enough was enough. I'd given that boy too many chances and the truth is that he's just not worth my time anymore.
I've been settling into the new place... it feels good to have my bills caught up with and finally be able to not live with day to day stress. I want to do a bunch of fun summer things, before I wake up one day and summer has just passed me by ...
I feel like I'm getting stronger. I still have setbacks... I got kind of drunk and emotional the other night... cried ... called people from my past... but day-to-day, I feel like I'm healing from the wounds of the past, and learning how to be more proactive about getting what I want out of life. I realize that I have a lot to offer, and although I'm lonely right now ... someone out there is going to be very lucky to meet me one day. That might be tommorrow, or it might be some time from now, perhaps when I'm closer to the person that I want to be. Until then ... well until then I guess I'll just keep gettng stronger.
3:33 PM
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Yet another week has gone by since a post. Never fear though, my internet will be up and running at my house as of July 6'th. Woo-hoo! Finally I'll be able to be an internet junkie from home again, and able to post the exciting events of my life on a regular basis once again.
The past few days have been kinda lonely... I've been coming to the realization that I don't really have a lot of friends around here. There are certainly people I know. Certainly people who I exchange pleasantries with. But when it comes down to it, they are just people who I know ... nothing much more than that.
It's still better though, then the days of Florida when I was surrounded by people pretending to be my friends and allowing myself to pretend that they really were. I'm pickier these days. I want people in my life who I know I can count on and in the meantime, lonely as it might be, I'm just willing to wait.
There was a boy ... I can't even remember if I posted much about him on here before ... but there was a boy. His name is James, and I used to call him "Jamie's replacement" ... because shortly after meeting him, I discovered that he had taken over Jamie's shifts at Denny's, after Jamie moved off to Arizona. James and I hung out, had a wild great night of sex ... and then didn't speak much. My phone calls didn't get returned...etc... etc... Well James and I actually went through this process a number of times... I kept letting myself get wrapped up in it again each time, cause there actually seemed to be a connection there. A spark. One of the most noteworthy things was that when we were together, when we'd spend time together, he would look at me with such interest. By that I mean in what I was saying ... in who I was ... what I was about ... the kind of look that you can't fake and that I really don't see that often.
Well Tuesday night, after I got out of work I went to Somewhere Else for karaoke ... I proceeded to get rather drunk, cause I've been thinking about how when I go out lately, I see these people out who I smile and say hello to ... who smile and say hello to me ... but who really don't probably like me very much ... and the feeling is rather mutual. So, I was drinking, lonely, and not really talking to anyone.
James was there, and we had exchanged a hello and a polite kiss. He then told me that it was his birthday so I decided to buy him a drink. I got it for him, and walked over to where he was sitting (alone) and gave it to him, wished him a Happy Birthday and kissed him on the forehead. All of a sudden he started looking very sad, and his eyes welled up with tears. He went on to tell me how none of his friends showed up for his birthday and it was the worst birthday he'd ever had.
Now, I'd already let go of my anger towards him ... but still had no plans on allowing myself to have another night of getting close to him, only to not hear from him the next day. But it was his birthday ... he was sad ... he was alone. It brought back in a small way, memories of my last birthday. (Coincidentally, this was also his 27th birthday ... perhaps 27 is just a bad birthday for everyone?)
Anyway, James started crying and there was nothing else I could do but to hold him and tell him that it was ok ... I ended up leading a few of the people standing around the bar in a chorus of Happy Birthday to him ... and then making out with him for a few minutes. (Silly me ... but everyone deserves a kiss on their birthday.) He proceeded to tell me how he wanted drugs for his birthday ... but no one came through for him. UGH!
So off to my house we went to find my roommate and send him off for coke. We held hands on the walk to my house, and I realized that if I didn't be careful, I'd end up in the same place again. This was a really sweet guy, who I'd fallen for again each time that we did this. I was determined to not do it again.
On the walk back he said that he'd like to date me. But that he just didn't want things to be too serious right now ... He stumbled, drunk a bit and at one point said "I love you ..." to which I laughed and responded "You're wasted. You'd love syphillis right now."
We got back to my house, got some coke, smoked a joint, and started listening to music... talking ... kissing ... then he asked me if I knew anyone who would be interested in a threesome. That he wanted a threesome for his birthday.
In that moment I think he finally managed to say the one thing that could make me finally lose interest. But, I didn't let on my disappointment, or hurt. It was his birthday, and I wanted at least the end of it to be a happy one... so I told him that it was too late, we kissed for a little while longer and he decided to go home.
"Call me tommorrow, so I have your number." He said.
"It was a really nice night, James," I responded. "But it's going to go back to the way it was. We both know that."
"I want you to promise to call me tommorrow and leave your number. I'll call you. "
I smiled, kissed him one more time and said "I promise."
True to my word, I called him the next day and left my number on his machine. And true to form, he never called. I think I helped give him at least a partially Happy Birthday, and I think this time, for a change, that was enough.
5:41 PM
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