A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Thursday, September 30, 2004
Wow. So what a whirlwind week it's been. Often times when I don't blog for a while, it's because a lot is going on. Well ... the birthday weekend has come and gone. And ... what can I say?... I laughed. I cried. It was better than Cats.
OK ... Thursday night was the beginning. Danielle, my favorite of the ice cream girls at work, had decided that she and her high school girls field hockey team (all 16 of them) were going to come into Friendly's that night for dinner and to wish me a Happy Birthday. Indeed they did. I suck with large parties, so I was frantically trying to get all of their orders in and out right, and keep their checks all seperate. All of a sudden, when I came out to get their ice cream order, the entire table (and the rest of the restaurant soon followed suit) began singing Happy Birthday to me ... It was embarassing as hell ...but I loved it of course.
Friday was my last night of work before my time off for my birthday. I have a couple of regular customers who come in every week and are just the sweetest people. Well they heard that I was going to do a birthday dinner at Margaritas ... so they got me a $15 gift certificate. It was so sweet and touching that these customers of mine went out of their way to do something that nice. Kristy showed up then on her night off to bring me a card and a present also ... a little wooden box, with a few "weed accessories" inside.
Saturday was the big day. Dinner and drinks at Margaritas with my Portland friends. I had like 25 people on the list to show up ... one of whom was "Frank", who I'd recently started talking to again. I'd called looking for closure, and what was starting to develop was a new friendship. One that seemed like it would be better this time around.
He was the first to show up at my house that night ... as it turned out the only one who showed up for pregame at my house. It was so weird to see him again. A mixture of so many things, that I wasn't quite sure how I felt. Definitely glad he was there though.
We headed to the restaurant around 8, and sat there drinking and getting our buzz on. Mindy showed up after a little while. And it was the 3 of us ... till about 9:30 when Kristy showed up after work. 3 people at my "big birthday dinner."
I was sad cause I felt ditched. I felt like all these people said they were coming ... then no show. Blah! But ... that feeling disappeared quickly. "Frank", Mindy and Kristy did everything they could to make it a great night for me. They laughed with me, drank with me ... wouldn't let me touch the check when it came. "Frank" kept telling me it was my night.
I've used the name "Frank" for a while to talk about him ... but his name is Bobby. I'm writing this now, because he really earned a place as my friend that night. At the restaurant. After at the "post-party" with him and the girls at my house ... and later that night when we talked and hashed out all of the things from the past ... which are now exactly that. Things from the oast. Bobby is a really special person, and proved his loyalty and friendship that night... and it was a time when I really needed it.
The next morning he saw me off and I headed to the Big Apple. As soon as I stepped off the bus I felt like I was home again. I started thinking it's soon time to set a moving date. I need to be back in my city soon. I walked around the village for a bit, then headed to the Duplex, where Kristina, Samara, Jeff and James joined me for a night of piano bar fun. At one point Jeff shouted out to the singing cocktail waitress that it was my birthday, so the whole place sang to me. And then, without even being asked, our waitress burst into "I'm Not Afraid Of Anything", one of my favorite showtunes ... I've even posted the lyrics on here before.
Afterwards James and I headed to my favorite rooftop in NYC, got stoned, and passed out under the stars. The next morning we awoke, and hopped a bus to Maine. (James is from here but lives in NYC now ... he decided to come back to visit his friends and such.)
Monday night we arrived back and Bobby and Mindy called. They decided to come over and spend the last few hours of my birthday with me. We played "Weed" (this HOT new card game I have) and just hung out... Two friends who proved this weekend that not everyone is shit.
Last night they popped over again, this time with belated birthday presents. (As if they hadn't done enough!) I am now the proud new owner of a cute new computer desk, and a brand new cordless phone. (Both VERY nice!)
I've been off work all week, but am actually about to run in and pick up a shift. The cash flow is hurtin' right now ... time to go sell some chicken strip baskets and bring in some money!
It was a weekend with a few dissapointments, but much more good then bad. And really, I couldn't have asked for a whole lot more ...
Happy Birthday!? You betcha!
3:29 PM
Monday, September 27, 2004
I can almost feel the old age setting in. UGH, yes, I'm oficially 28 now! Ick! I'm ready for the retirement home ..
Just wanted to jump on for two minutes and write a quick entry from the Big Apple.
I'll tell the whole story of the birthday weekend when I arrive home ... needless to say the highlights included being serenaded at work by a girls high school field hockey team, a dinner in Maine that only a few people came to (the right ones thankfully), some closure to something that really needed it, a new beginning, and fun night at the Duplex (best piano bar in NYC), that ended with me smoking pot and sleeping on a roof with some boy from Maine.
It's been an interesting one ... I'll write the whole story when I get home ... but for now, I just wanted to leave y'all with the promise of stories to come ...
Goddamn, I feel old!
9:08 AM
Thursday, September 23, 2004
I always have the most interesting revelations about myself when I'm stoned. When I'm drunk, I'm absolutely incoherent ... but stoned, I'm often not only introspective, but surprisingly witty and clever. It's often why I choce this time to write in my blog.
The thought that came to me as I was lying on my bed, watching SoapNet (Today's One Life To Live, tonight. SoapNet, the new way to watch soaps!) when tonights revelation occured. When meeting a cool new person, I always look at them as a possible romantic interest first, and a potential new friend second.
Perhaps this holds some of the burden for why I constantly feel as though "the one" is never out there for me, and at the same time feel a lack of any sort of "circle of close friends."
A few different situations bring this thought to my head tonight. The reconnecting and new beginning with someone who has been missing for a while. A new presenc in my life of a funny, attractive and intelligent man, who I can't decide if I'm not sure why I have a crush on him, or why I don't have one on him. And ... my upcoming birthday, where a few of my ex's may be on the guest list for both of my celebrations. How will that work out?
Sautrday night, here in Portland I'll be having a gathering of friends and co-workers at Margaritas (in the lounge area of the St. John's St location) at 8 o'clock.
Sunday night in NYC, I'll be at the Duplex, one of my favorite piano bars at 9pm, meeting up with some friends I haven't seen in a while, to ring in the midnight when I'll be turning the big 2-8.
Both nights, I'm expecting to see people who once played the role of "signifigant other" at some point in my life... and both nights I'll also be thinking of the two people who share birthday love with me.
Tom ... who shares the same birthday, with only a year apart ... When we met, we found out quickly this wasn't the only bizarre connection we had. Mutual friends, both working in the soap industry, and having attended the same parties on Emmy night were just a few of the things we had in common before even meeting.
Al, whose birthday is just before mine, who I met on Christmas Eve and had one truly great evening with. We planned to spend our birthdays together, no matter what other things transpired between then and then ... But... some things we convince ourselves of, don't always turn out the way we had hoped.
I'm optimistic about the weekend to come. I've decided to enjoy my vacation and instead of trying to make a fantastic birthday weekend happen, just sit back and see what the weekend brings to me. Maybe it will be "just what I wanted..."
...whatever that actually is.
2:42 AM
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Closure has always been important to me. The irony lies in the fact that very few of my relationships actually receive closure, so in essence it's something I'm always chasing.
I made attempts at "doing the closure thing" with a few people in my life this week. I wrote an email to one. Had a phone conversation with two. And ... I gave Teddy, someone from my past who I'd been reconnecting with lately, several chances to keep the friendship door open ... but in the end he wasn't capable of any of the really important steps.
I'm being so vague and cryptic, mostly just because the stories themselves are all so complicated and drawn out ... and in some cases just best kept in my head and not in my journal.
I guess I will talk about Teddy though. The boyfriend that never was, so to speak. The whole lurid story is actually in this same journal, flash back almost a year when I was preparing to move here to Maine, from good old Tampa, Florida.
I met Teddy right before the vacation to Maine, that resulted in my subsequent move here. The chemistry was great right off the bat... but where can youi go when you just met a great guy, and you're going to be living in two different states?
We kept in touch off and on over the past year and he wan going to ccme and spend the birthday weekend with me.. It'd been planned for a few weeks now ... and it was more with the intent of j ust having an awesome time and having yet another person there I would be excited to see ... Then the question became about whether there were any other expectatons... We seemed to havea mutual agreement on this topic ... but I remembered last year, when he said something I doubted ... only to have me confirm my suspicious by reading his live journal. (Yeah, ain't that a real bitter irony!)
Well... it seems history does repeat itself. After reading his journal this week, I decided it wasn't a good idea to have him with me that weekend. I told him so and he said to not make a definite decision until we talked later. Sufficed to say ... I gave him 2 days for that connversaion to happen ... it still has not.
I'm also getting sadder, as the birthday draws near. There's Al, who I met over Christmas, whose birthday is 2 days apart from mine. Al and I had promised a while back that even if we stopped talking for a while...and no matter where we were in our lives ... we'd spend out biirtjdays together. That was going to be our weekend. I realized a while back that wouldn't happen ... probably later than I should have though.
And romantic interest in Maine ... there's only one even stir or romance goin on here in Portland ... and truthfully, I think he's going to mess it up. Someone who I think I can relate to on some of the worrries and fears... and connect to on some emotional leel. But.... a coombination of factors (lack of time, the creating of distance in conversatons, and the occasional over-emotional tizzy from me) seem to keep it from going anywhere. :(
Now, while I say there is no other romance in Maine, there is indeed an odd infatuation I've got going on. OK, I'm not sure I chose the right word ... if for no other reason than I know that his head would swell at that particular phrasing. But ... this extremely fun person I've "known" (mostly via chat) for almost a year now, but am just really lately spending any time with. First he's a scorpio which makes him completely undateable. (I've just had such a love/hate relationship with that sign over the years) ... He reminds me in many ways of a "Frat Boy", so I think that shall beecome what we call him in this journal.
Anyway, so "Frat Boy" has the ability to charm the fleas off a sheep dog. He's got charisma out the ass, he's clearly intelligent, quite the little hottie and he's one of those people that when you hang out with him ... there's a certain fun you have just being in his presence.
In addition, last night I got to also experience his female counterpart and best friend, who somehow at some point I think I was kissing. LOL - I was kinda wasted, she was fierce, and it kind of amused me in some strange reason.
Anyway ... two very interesting people who I'm definitely quite fascinated with... LOL - In neiher case could it be someone I would find myself dating, but certainly two characters that warrant firther observation.
I'm closing at work all weekend, so lots of work and no time for me to get into any trouble, do any partying, or cry myself to loudly to sleep. Good thing on all counts, I asssure you.
Next Saturday night for those of you in Maine, will be my birthday dinner. I'll be doing an E-Vite tommorrow I think ...and Sunday night and Monday will be NYC ... I've got to put that all together too. I keep hoping Jamie will make it. I spent last birthday without my best friend, and I don't want to spend this one without him too... especially this one. Of course, now that I think about it, I don't think I spent either of his last two with him either ... So ... I guess what goes around comes around.
Wow. I hadn't actually planned to write such a long one tonight ... But I guess I've had a lot on my mind lately. I've been thinking lately how it really does help to write about it in here... and it's interesting to go back and read how I was feeling at other points in the past few years. I should read old blogs perhaps more often ... they say there is much to be learned from the past.
Indeed.
2:06 AM
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
I hate my life...
...but it's great comedy!
Just like that these two thoughts came into my head as I was sitting on my front stoop at 4:30 am, still feeling the effects of a few days of tina ... a few recently smoked bowls... and the anticpation of the xanax that would finally end my 39 hour day.
It's been a while since I posted, but when that rather amusingly tragic thought occured to me I realized it was to be the beginning of my first blog in going on damn near a month.
BAD KEVIN! BAD, BAD KEVIN!
The truth is the past few weeks have been filled with stories of what a small world it is ... a potential romantic interest that seems to be headed more for disapointment, and much indecision and last minute reconsiderations about my big birthday weekend.
My birthday last year was to be this great celebration of my moving forward and taking charge of my life. Instead it became about a bitter end to a long term, on again, off again dysfunctional yet somehow treasurable relationship. I was excited to spend my birthday with a sense of pride and a positive outlook for the future... and to get the one thing I wanted more than anything for THAT day. The libra scales tattoo. Someone who had long been one of my most beloved boyfriends and one of the greatest sources of pain in my life at the same time not only abandoned me during my favorite part of my birthday night, but ended up failing to grant me the one request I made of teh weekend.. dont do what you do with this one person. It would be something that would hurt me, even if the reasons seem silly to you. I didn't get my tattoo, and Rich and Eric left my party at my favorite piano bar in NYC at midight, to go check out a cooler club that had some cute boys. I didn't see them till they returned to our hotel morning at 11:30 the next morning.
To this day, that's a hurt that sticks with me. I retailiated at one of them ina way that I'm truly ashamed of. He hurt me in such a final way ... during a time that I thought was going to be so meaningful for us... a new beginning ... finally he was going to see the me that I was becoming after such a long road. The detaisl that followed the rest of his visit only served to prove that I meant nothing to this person, who through so many ups and downs had somehow remained in my heart without me even knowing it. I responded in such a bad way. I thought of the one way I could betray him that I never would have. That perhaps anyone else.. but never to Rich. He trusted me and I valued that above everythign. I had to do something that there could be no turning back from. He'd never forgive me, so I would never have to even think about forgiving him. It would be a moot point.
I look back on what I did with so much regret. I valued that he trusted me with things that no one else would even be considered gaining access to. And I never violated that while we were together. Not when we broke up. Not when we go tback together... and over and over... But this time... It was the worst hurt not only because of the action, but because it was a day he knew I wanted to be perfect and symbolic of where I was headed.
I don't care that they fucked. I care that I had such hope that prehaps ... if even a slow road... we could be on our way to becoming important people, who in some way, would always be a part of each others lives. And I care that he knew that... and that either he hated me so much, or just felt so little regrd for feelings he knew were fragile... And I can't honestly decide which was worse.
Lately he's been in my thoughts. Perhaps because the birthday is coming up. Perhaps because I have such issues with things that don't get proper clusure. They haunt me and pop up at the most random moments.
Other things ..
Someone who I thought had done something for me with my best interests at heart, appears to have actually just been trying to manipulate a situation for some weird reasons I do not understand. What makes this even more hurtful was that when he had made this overture, I was genuinely touched and told him so It gave me faith that people do nice things for one another sometime. And it's not every man for himself. And I shared those feelings with him, in my typical "heart on my sleeve fashion." What makes this story even harder for me to accept as anything other than a horrible thank you for a TRUE gesture of friendship. You see, my concerned friend Chris was someone I've known off and on for a while. And a week ago, one of his friends said somethign to me that shocked me. He said that he didn't know if I ever knew, but one night when I was talking to Chris on the phone, worried that he was beign self-destructve, he was preparing to drive off the bridge and end the pain he was in that night. I apparently rambled and sputtered out cheesy advice, that distracted him for just a minute... By the time he snapped out of it, he had crossed the bridge, and decided, I suppose to rethink things. The person who told me this story offered it as a reason why he no longer has a problem for me. "You saved his life, even if it was unknowingly."
Yeah. Yesterday I hear that Chris has been quoting me with these statements I never even THIUGHT let alone said... apparentyly in attempt to further sabotage my getting to know this person.
Wow. It was the nicest thing someone had done for me in a very l;ong time. As it turns out, it's a great big thank you, just spelled as "Fuck You."
My faith in people goes back to where it's been lately. And then it went a llittle further down. That maeks me sad.
I've got a lot of things to think about over the next few days. How to pursue someone that I think I really want to become friends with, without seeming as though I am looking for more. And, do I tell this new friend, whio I respect already, information that will hurt him greatly, but perhaps ultimately save him from a FAR greater hurt?
I wonder about my birthday ... I'm rethinking what I want the most important part of that weekend to be. And what logisitcal changes that involves to the plan I've been going with up until now. A decision on that needs to be made soon. This birthday ... I won't let it be last year. This year, I make the right choices about what I truly want to celebrate. And the people in my life who would like to celebrate it with me, should be there... And then there's the reconsidering the where...
BLAH! I'll know more tommorrow about that.
It's 6:30 and I fear the Xanax I have taken will not be subduing me from my still quite awake state. Currenly, I have in my system a wee bit of that Miss Tina lady ,.. a couple of ladies named Mary Jane ... And that lovely drag queen Xanax.
Next hournal post I'll share my night out with Mindy and the Sorority Girls to gay karaoke. (The pregant one was a SCREAM!) I'll also tell the funny story about the cab driver, the waiter and a bunch of sluts.
And... I'm also going to write about the conversation I had that gave me perhaps the only "Frank" closure I'll have. I finally broke the silence and had a heart-to-heart outside Somewhere with Adam ... the one who "Frank" started dating, right around the time he stopped remembering that there was this "Kevin Kid" who didn't want him to completely leave his life.
I heard some things that jabbed like little needles in my heart... and a very nice moment that made me realize that the person who replaced me as the "sidekick with boyfriend moments and fun benfits" ... was actually a good person. I didn't feel worthless anymore. He may have thought he traded up ... but I think he jsut got anther model of a pretty decent line. The gay guy who cares about not just himself, but for the others in that gay community we call "family"
My rambling for toniught is over... I have shared a bit of what's been going on in my life and in my mind for the past few weeks. I'll try to hit some more bases next time.
One special note to someone who might be reading this. I'm one of the good guys. And I really think it's possible that you are as well. They're so rare ... don't run away just yet. If there's nothing to pursue, that will be obvious quick. If there's some connection or siomilarity or ... mutual interest ... Do the scary thing that I'm really trying to do. Don't run away cause youthink it's going to be a repeat of the same bad episode...
Season Premiere week is here... and there are a few things worth watching. Don't turn off that TV yet.
God, my analogies are fucking retarded!
I hate my life...
...but it IS good comedy!
True that. Dark Comedy. But certainly comedy.
5:55 AM
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