A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Saturday, October 30, 2004
My friend Brian from Florida told me recently that I really know how to tell a story. Ya see, I happen to lead a life that has somehow managed to piss off that lovely woman known as "Mother Fate" ... Yeah, so interesting, unique, and sometimes even rather downright crazy things happen to me on a semi-regular basis. And, apparently I have some small ability to write these crazy events down in some kind of interesting-to-read manner ... And, so it comes to pass that I have yet another exciting story to share with my dear blog readers.
Butterflies I was speaking of the other day ... I had met a boy. I hadn't expected really to. I had been talking to some other boy who I had an interest in ... but I was getting the feeling that it wasn't really going to develop into anything. And then all of a sudden I start talking to this boy I'd never chatted with online before. He sounded cool. He was someone I had some rather cool things in common with, and had watched "Desperates Housewives" and "Noises Off" with and smoked pot, and talked... it was a cool first meeting. I decided I was going to try to ask the boy out on a real date.
That's right... a REAL date.
The Wine Bar!
It was a great idea... Jamie and I came up with it as I had him on my cordless, and "Rocky" (yes, another 'Blog Name' to add to the list) on my AIM. I was being fairly dorky, which I accept is both an irritating and somewhat endearing at the same time, ability that I have.
Below is my best memory of the conversation: :)
ME: So yeah ... have you ever been to the Wine Bar?
HIM: No, I just turned 21 not that long ago.
ME: Oh yeah ... (and for me you're old honey!) :)
HIM: What's the wine bar?
ME: It's this really neat urban-chic (my best friend later told me I should have said "metro-chic") wine bar with couches and sometimes a piano player.
HIM: Sounds cool.
ME: Yeah, why don't we go and get a drink there.
HIM: I really can't for a while. No job.
ME: Hey, I invited YOU. So ... it's my treat.
HIM: OK ... but I'll owe you one.
ME: Yeah, yeah yeah ... Whatever... anyway... so, when?
HIM: Tommorrow night.
ME: (not even really pretending to be serious) Let me check my schedule...(without a pause) "Yes, tommorow happens to be free. (Here's me being a dork again.) Yeah it's a really cool place you'll like it. Jamie and I went there when I first got to Portland, and I always thought it would be a great date spot...but never got to do that...
HIM: Cool cool.
ME: (grumbling on the inside) OK ... well ... I guess we'll figure it all out tommorrow.
HIM: OK ..
ME: (under direct urging from Jamie on the phone) Fabulous. It's a date then. Talk to you tommorrow.
I immediately put my away message up.
HIM: Bastard! You did that on purpose.
Fuck! I have to go back ... that's a playful response. That's a good sign. Jamie concurs.
ME: Bastard! I don't know what you're talking about.
HIM: You're a dork!
HE GETS ME! I'm a fuckin dork! WOOOO HOO!!! The conversation ends shortly thereafter... Jamie is on the phone singing "You've got a date... You've got a date..."
I'm giggling.
I write a journal entry about butterflies.
The next night ... THE DATE.
An online conversation around 10:00pm starts the conversation:
HIM: Hey, what's up?
ME: Nothin', we still hangin out?
HIM: Definitely.
ME: (playing it cool) AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(LOL - ok, that may have been exageration, but let's face it... I suck at hiding my interest.)
HIM: Do you think they'll have a TV at the wine bar?... If the Sox win tonight, the win the World Series.
ME: Oh that's cool... well why don't we go somewhere else where we can see the game ... we can hit up the wine bar another night.
I was crushed. The Wine Bar was my big plan. It's what the outfit was based around ... the attitude ... all the great topics of conversation I had written on my hands (slight exageration again)... But ... it's a big thing around here. This sports thing. So ... I wanted him to have a good time.
we arrived at a bar in the Old Port (a groovy downtown Portland bar/shopping area on the waterfront) called "Gritty's" ... Just as I was standing at the bar ordering our first round of drinks, the entire place burst into screams. I followed everyone's gaze to the TV screen where I could almost make out that the Boston Red Sox had just won the World Series for the first time in 86 years. Well ... Goddamn!
For the rest of the night we were bombarded by straight men wanting a high five, or a hug, or a loud "YEAH RED SOX!" The drunker I got, the more obliging I was with these acts. "Rocky" ran into a few girls that he knew, one of whom I decided to confide in (via whisper) that I thought he was adorable... She proceeded to tell me I should come with him to her party on Halloween. I smiled and said I couldn't, but that it was sweet of her to offer. The truth was I had already picked up on the vibe that I was the one who was really thinking of this as a date. But ... probably the only one. I didn't want her to say this suggestion loud enough so he could here it. That would have just been awkward...and embarassing.
We walked back to his house from the Old Port ... ironically, he lives in the same house a boy named "Mikey" I used to hang with lived in. I'd slept over in that house several times. It was weird to see it looking so different. After running into a cool "bar-friend" of mine, Gillian, who was having an emotional night and lived right next to Rocky ... we went up to his apartment. We drank wine and talked on the back porch...
The memory becomes a bit hazy... I remember hearing familiar, and hated phrases...
"I think you're really cool..."
"...we need to hang out ... I'd really like to be friends..."
Cool and friends. They sound like great words, on paper, right? Yeah ... not when they follow each other... That's the kiss of death.
I drank a bit more... memory becomes hazy ... I get a cab home ... A memory of a failed goodnight kiss perhaps... a memory of telling him about being on the phone with Jamie, trying to say the right things ... DORK, DORK, DORK! I just had to have that last glass of wine. The lips just got looser and looser....
The next day I realized how truly fargone of a dork I am.
It was a first "date" ... if it was even that. But it was a really cool boy ... It would have been nice to have the second date butterflies with him too. That wasn't in the cards though. And, true to form, the next day, I was sad ... not mopey or pouty or looking for attention ... I was "Feel it on the inside, but try to keep up the happy face anyway" sad. Sad.
Sad cause I realized... butterflies is just another word for nausea.
Silly rabbit ...
2:13 AM
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Butterflies. I've written about them before... they're fun. Sometimes they're even more fun than your average orgasm...
OK, perhaps I'm going a little too far with that statement.
I met a cool boy.
I dig a cool boy.
I ... have no idea if the cool boy digs me.
I ... am so nervous about a date that may or may not be a date.
I ... I have butterflies.
Those are the usual events that lead to this lovely little feeling. You have no idea what could happen, let alone what will happen. But you've met someone cool ... and it's fun. It's exciting. And even though you had almost started to forget exactly how groovy the feeling was ... Suprise. There it is again.
And I'm reminded of a quote from the first episode of my new TV addiction "Desperate Housewives": Susan had thought the man she liked was doing her next door neighbor, so while spying she accidentally started a fire, which burned down her rival neighbors house. Later, as she stood there watching the fire with her friends, the man who she liked came up and inquired what was wrong... he had been at the movies all night. Surprised, Susan smiled, realizing that he must not have been the man upstairs with her neighbor, screwing away. And as the camera pulls back on Susan and Mike, in front of the burning house, the show's narrator (a dead housewive) says "Life was suddennly FULL of possibilities."
Indeed.
5:13 AM
Friday, October 22, 2004
I was sad last night... I was sad because someone read my blog and decided that they were no longer interested in me because of what they read.
I was sad... I was drunk... I called my best friend and left him a message .... and because I have the best friend in the entire world... he wrote something for me in his journal... Something that meant a lot, cause sometimes it's nice to have your honor defended.
http://www.starmann.blogspot.com/
I love you Jamie! Thanks for always being able to see all of me ... and love me anyway!
In retrospect, and after rereading the conversation I had with the person who read my blog ... he probably didn't really say anything all that bad. But it still hurt ... He told me that after reading what I wrote, he could no longer forsee any interest in dating me...
I decided that maybe I'm not going to take it lying down though ... I think I decided that maybe rolling over and playing dead isn't always the best course of action. Sometimes you have to evaluate the situation and see if the potential gain outweighs the potential loss.
It's completely just a feeling ... but ... this time I think it might.
1:49 PM
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
If one more person asks me what I'm going to be for Halloween I think that I might scream. I'm so sick of people talking about buying their costumes, or making their costumes, or deciding on their costumes! BLAH! What am I going to be for Halloween?!... Chances are I'm going to be a Friendly's waiter ... the same thing I am 5 or 6 days out of the week anyway.
The truth is I have no exciting Halloween parties on my agenda. None I've been invited to, none I'm throwing, and none that I'd probably even go to anyway. I guess in part because the loneliness has been sinking in a lot lately. I've been sleeping for 12-16 hour days, spending a lot of time by myself... all very ridiculous self pity kinda stuff... or perhaps it's all just recovery.
Ah yes ... the sordid story of last week that I've been taking so long to post on here. Last week was far from a boring week. The main excitement started last Tuesday night, and finally ended late on Friday evening...
Last Tuesday evening didn't start off any different then any other Tuesday evening. I got home from work around 10:30 in a rather cranky mood. I decided it would be a drinking night. I had the next day off, so I knew I could sit around with a miserable hangover all day proclaiming "I'm never drinking again ... as long as I live ..." Yadda, yadda, yadda. I listened to a message on my voice mail before going out. It was "Austin", my on-again-off-again drug dealer/friend. He's a bit of a wanderer and so from time to time he'll find himself in Portland, during which time I'll sometimes make a "tina" (tina=crystal meth for those of you who never get the reference) purchase, and he'll sometimes hang out for a bit as we both sit on our computers chit chatting away. I used to have a thing for "Austin" when I first met him ... but that a combination of factors made that a thing of the past. I now find myself entertained by his company, and do genuinely enjoy the random occasions when we do hang out these days.
Well his message that night said he was in town ... but when I tried to return the call, got no anwer. This is fairly typical of "Austin" and I just assumed that would be the last I'd hear from him, at least for a few days.
I went out to the bar, did my fair share of drinking, singing, and socializing with people who I never talk to any other time during the week. I left feeling empty, and sad ... There had been a chance Jamie was going to make it into town the next day for a vacation... I learned for certain before going out that night, that he wasn't going to be able to make it. I walked home thinking about Jamie ... and how I missed having my best partner-in-crime to make the evening not only bearable, but enjoyable.
Another message from "Austin" was waiting for me at home ... he'd be in town soon. Blah, blah, blah ... I decided around 1:15 in the morning I'd give him an hour.
True to form, he finally called at 5:15, ten minutes after I had finally given up and shut my eyes. He was on his way to a hook-up, so he couldn't stay and visit. We traded ... my money for his fun in a baggie.
I went up to my room and tried to decide whether or not to do a little now, or perhaps sleep first and play after a good nights sleep.
That was a brief thought, and a fast decision was made.
By 6, I was relatively lit, which basically just means zoned, hyper and ultra-horny. I sat there smoking off of tin foil while looking at dick pics on the various hook-up sites. At the same time, I downloaded porn and chatted with an old friend in Florida. Each time a potential hook-up would present itself, I found myself deciding against it for one reason or another. In theory, it sounded fun, but I knew I'd end up regretting it later ... and that pattern was just old and TIRED!
I ran out of "tina" by 8am.
I finally tore myself away from the computer at 8pm that night.
Dear God, I'd really just spent over 12 hours sitting at my computer desk, like a hornball. Being a big giant loser. Wow!
Mindy called a little while later and wanted to come over and smoke pot. "Oooooh! Good idea!" I thought. It would give me someone normal and fun to hang out with, I'd get stoned (I already was slightly) which would help bring me down from the tina, and stop the inclination I had to find a way to get more. (I know the process, and when I'm involved in it, it's a very conscious decision, knowing full well what any given choice will lead to.)
I was cleaning my room when Mindy arrived, and we smoked pot and she watched some really weird movie, while I filled two trash bags with junk from my room, and cleared some of the large pile in the corner of my room. (I call it "Mount Kevinsjunk")
Then the calls came. Not unexpectedly.
"Carl" one of my roommates friends heard I knew where to get "tina" and he wanted some. He'd buy it, and do it with me, if I could make it happen. I pretended to consider it for a moment. I'm not sure if the act was for Mindy's benefit, or for my own. Either way, I don't think I fooled anybody. An hour after Mindy had left, "Carl" arrives, and "Austin" follows shortly there after.
Now let me explain a bit these two characters so you can fully appreciate the humor in the situation that followed. "Austin" is a 21 year old, thin (although that's a recent thing) and pretty attractive (if not somewhat cracked out looking) young man. He is aware of the fact that he is young and cute, and I'd always thought, was pretty dismissive of trolls.
Speaking of trolls, I'll tell you about "Carl." Not to say that he is one, but I know that his dayjob involves guaring a bridge from some billygoats. That's all I'm sayin'! Now "Carl" is in his early 40's is a bit gruff looking, formerly married man who now enjoys getting drunk, doing crack and telling people "Nice cock!"
I expected that "Carl" would get shot down the first time he used sexual inuendo towards "Austin" ...
I expected that his hand would be pushed away when he started rubbing "Austin's" back ...
I expected that "Austin" would end up leaving, in order to escape "Carl's" advances...
All of these things I expected, but turned out not to be the case.
Now ... here comes where the story gets a little hairy. We do things in life sometimes that we do out of a curiousity. Many of them are bad for us ... Many of them are dangerous. Sometimes we want the experience. Just once.
It started off as innocent enough peer pressure. "Austin" was one of those people who preferred to do his "tina" the good old-fashioned junkie way. He likes to shoot it.
Now, needles have ALWAYS been objects of great fear for me. I'm squeamish, I hate pain, and I'm a huge baby! As a child, I had to have bloodtests on a bi-weekly basis to monitor the levels of ritalin in my body. (It was a new drug at the time, and so such precautions were nescesarry) The first time a nurse ever took my blood, it took her 6 pokes at me to finally get a vain.
"You want to try it?" he asked me, suddennly throwing me into a warped ABC Afterschool Special.
My biggest fear, oddly enough, wasn't what the drug would do to me. It was safety. Well "Austin" had packaged, individually sealed and sterile needles... never opened. So there went that pesky "sharing needles" sterotype that was always my biggest fear about even trying such a thing once. (To be fair, Rich and I attempted it back in our Florida Relationship From Hell/Drug Binge that we called a life... but were unsuccessful and gave up.)
I've always been one of those people that wants to experience life. And all it has to offer. I know myself. I could never be the type of person to shoot up drugs on a regular basis. I simply wouldn't be able to get past the "ick factor" ... So, my two biggest fears were null and void. I wouldn't be sharing needles, and it wouldn't lead me to some new terrible addiction.
So I was left with one thing. Curiousity. I see so many people who are so obsessed with it ... who are so hooked on it that way ... what was this feeling that they all were chasing so much?... I wanted to feel it once, so I'd know what I was talking about ... writing about ... thinking about ... judging about.
"Alright, do me!" I said.
As it turns out, "Austin" wasn't any better than that first nurse who gave me that blood test so many years ago. I was a pin cushion by the time we decided to give up for the night ... I had give far too much of my night over to pain, for something that no longer seemed that interesting to me. I kept thinking it would have had to have been a pretty damn good high to make up for that wretched experience.
The night was giving way to morning around 5, when "Carl" finally got "Austin's" dick out his pants. I was typing away on the computer when I look over to my bed to see "Carl" blowing "Austin" ... an act that continued until 8:30 the next morning.
Because I'm me, and felt more provoked then uncomfortable by the situation, kept throwing out wisecracks at the most inopportune times.
"It's times like these I really wish I'd taken up needlepoint."
"Oh wow, your manhunt ad didn't lie. That really IS thick."
"Why can't I find a razor that gets that close of a shave?"
And finally, when I noticed it was getting late, and Carl was going to be late for work, I started playing "9 to 5" on my computers speakers... But even Dolly's voice didn't stop this porn that was playing out on my bed.
I noticed "Austin" had fallen asleep around 8:15 that morning.
At 9, I said "Carl, he's been asleep for 45 minutes. Perhaps it's time you give up."
He did, thankfully. Off to work he went, and I decided to let "Austin" sleep for the day... he wouldn't given the choice, but I decided it was better he didn't make that one himself. I covered his naked ass up, and went about my day.
A friend was in the hospital for some minor surgery, and as it was just right down the street, I donned a pair of sunglasses and a wool cap, and off to the hospital I went. After a quick stop in the hospital gift shop, I was to learn that my friend had already been sent home. I was too late.
I went home, where "Austin" was still sleeping. I sit down at my computer, and "Frat Boy" IM's me ... Now that's who I was in the mood to hang out with! He was funny, he was crazy, I could talk to him ... and oh did I! I ended up blabbing to him for an hour, letting him know what I was really all about. Up until then, I'd always tried to have him only see me when I was in top form. Not because I had interest in him ... it was more of an admiration. Maybe he was my twisted version of "The Fonz" ... But there I was spilling all of my silly idiosincricies to him.
"Come smoke some weed, do a little tina with me, and give my lazy ass a ride to work!" I said to him.
That's right, it was now Thursday afternoon around 3. I'd woken from my last sleep Tuesday morning. And I had to work at 5. There was no way out of it, but I knew this would be my last night ... and so it would all be ok. Well ... at the time, I honestly thought it would be the last night. I thought I'd sleep that night for sure.
"Austin" woke up shortly before "Frat Boy" arrived. We actually had great banter back and forth, and I had a really good time hanging out with him in that time between when he woke up and when I left for work.
"Frat Boy" and I smoked weed the whole drive to my work. Then, we parked a short distance before my work and smoked some huge hits of "Tina" ... this would insure I'd be good to go for work that night.
And good to go I was. I was hyper, and silly, and funny, and right on top of everything. I'd find my energy waning once in a while... but I knew how to take care of that when it would happen.
Kristy gave me a ride home from work that night... and we decided to do a little bit of what I had left. Then the phone rings, and "Austin" is around ... more to sell ... do I want any?
Kristy and I both decide that a little more wouldn't hurt...as long as we were still in bed by a decent time.
As all of this is occuring, I get an IM on my computer. This kid who I've chatted with forever, but never met IM's me "Do you have any weed?"
I decide there was nothing on cable that would entertain me ... But gay Portland just might be able to serve up something amusing. Everything I'd heard about this "Nathan" boy was that he was a decent kid ... He was known for two things. Having an extremely large penis, and being a big old bottom. This is how gay Portland works I guess. I'd also heard he was quite a flamer, but a lot of fun. This surely was what I needed. With Kristy here, to add to the mix it would certainly be the most entertaining of nights.
"Nathan" arrived around midnight. Kristy and I were our usual crazy selves, and he seemed petrified of us from the beginning. He came across as a bit shallow, and quite girly... although I must admit that by the time he left later the next day, I'd come to hold a higher opinion of him.
The three of us aleternated between weed and tina, and shortly thereafter, my roommate Steve joined the mix. Not long after that "Austin" called to say he was coming back over to hang out ... It was turning into a party.
As I was waiting outside for "Austin" to arrive, "Frat Boy" and his friend Misty called and I told them to come join the fun. Misty was sloshed, and not her usual diva self when they arrived. "Frat Boy" spent a good bit of time just trying to keep her from being beligerent and to join in the fun. Eventually, "Austin" passed out a huge line of "tina" to everyone in the room ... and hers brought her closer to sobriety.
We all ended up in my roommates room by around 5am. Kristy had gone home, but it was still me, "Austin", "Nathan," "Frat Boy," Misty, Steve and I.
Misty and "Nathan" had hated each other at first. She tried to give him a drunken hug, which he embraced with a grimace. But eventually they found a common bond, and started chatting away. "Frat Boy" and I started talking, and "Austin" was on Steve's bed, looking at porn on his laptop. I sensed a sequel from the night before about to happen, and I decided to go back to my room.
"Austin" follwed a minute later and asked if I had saved the syringe full of stuff he'd been unable to give me the night before. I had stuffed it away in my closet, hidden in a shirtpocket.
He was steadier that morning, and this time got it in the first attempt.
"God, this better be worth it!" I said, anticipating the high.
It wasn't. It was nothing special. It was nothing horrible. It was a bit icky, in my opinion, and after sitting alone in my room for a few minutes, I texted "Frat Boy" to his cell to come to my room.
He did, and we sat and chatted for a while... and so the dynamic of the morning began to evolve. After sitting and chatting, about friendship, about sex, about the people who were in my house ... Misty was the next to join us. She had wandered over to see what was going on, and I began preparing a bit of "Tina" for the three of us to smoke. "Nathan" was the next to join my room, saying he was sick of being alone with them while they looked at porn.
From 6:30 that morning, till 11:30 that morning the 4 of us sat in my room and talked about everything under the sun. We'd smoke a little tina here. Smoke a little pot there. But mostly it was talking. FINALLY - the thing I like about doing drugs. Not sitting alone in front of my computer with a hardon all day, thinking about, but not actually hooking up. But actually hanging out ... talking ... about crazy things ... things you wouldn't usually say ... with people that you're getting to know in a fun exciting way.
I'd been awake for 3 days, but I'd finally started to have some fun!
I started thinking of ways to call in, around noon. Finally around 1 I made the call ... I was supposed to be in at 3. They weren't happy, but there was no way I would be functional at work.
"Austin" had left a short time earlier ... and I was chillen with no more drugs to do.
"Nathan" ended up coming back a little while later to smoke some weed with me ... This is not at all the type of boy I find myself attracted to. Normally, he's actually the type of person I would dismiss completely, right off the bat. But there was something about this kid... something below the surface. I made a mental note to investigate further. He might actually turn out to be a good friend.
I watched TV Friday night, laid in bed alone ... and tried to smoke enough pot to finally end my 72 hour day.
I finally fell asleep around 5:15 on Saturday morning.
It had been a very long day. I'd seen and done more in those 72 hours than many people do in a year... some in a lifetime. Some of it great. Some of it horrible. Some of it subject to opinion ... But at the end of it all ... when I'm looking back on a life full of extraordinary experiences... everything from my crazy drug times, to signing autographs in the middle of a shopping mall. From trailers in Florida, to penthouses over Central Park West. From hanging with drag queens, to schmoozing with celebrities. From having my picture in some fag nightlife mag, to having it in a soap magazine. I'm the type of person to regret the things I never did, rather then the ones that didn't turn out as I'd planned. That's who I am. So ... are days like these typical of what I do or what I stand for or how I chose to live my life? No, they don't. But do they represent in some way, not just the type of person that I am, but who I strive to be?
Yeah, I'd like to think so.
On tonights agenda: Snacks from the convenience store, a movie on cable, and waiting to chat with a boy who I've got on my mind lately... Kinda boring, huh?
Yeah. I like those nights a lot too.
6:55 PM
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Every once in a while, something completely unplanned can end up leading to a truly terrific evening. Last night I had one of those evenings, and it was pretty killer...
Work busted my ass last night. I was only there 5-11 but the place was just non-stop busy. I didn't get even 5 seconds to stop and take a butt break (smokin' duh!) until 9:40. Needless to say, I came home in a rather foul mood, ready to just seclude myself in my room, watch TV and plot the demise of some of my most hated customers of the evening.
As I walked in my door however, there were an unusual amount of people in the front area. It seems Tom (the owner of the house I live in) and Ben (his boyfriend) had houseguests in for the weekend. I'd met one of them the other day briefly, and had heard about the tall one they called "Big Bird" ... but then this adorable boy with a smile to die for walks into the room. This houseguest I had NOT met yet!
"Navy Boy", as I've made that his blog name ... was visiting with one of his friends from Pourtsmouth, and looked rather pouty (in a cute way) about the fact that everyone was ready to go to bed at midnight.
I was faced with a decision. Say goodnight, go up to my room and give into my moodiness.... OR ... or hang out, and see who this "Navy Boy" is ...
"I want a drink. Anybody comin?" I finally ask very matter-of-factly while making sure to not look at him directly when I did so.
"I'll go." he said almost immediately.
AWESOME!
We went to the local dive/troll bar "Blackstones" and had a couple of drinks. I had two huge Long Island's and he had a couple of Crown and Cokes. Eventually the bar closed and we walked home. He came up to my room to watch some tv and chill for a little bit. Jack stumbled in drunk a while later. As the three of us sat watching "Sex and The City", "Navy Boy" and I did that silly thing boys do when they're trying to flirt with each other. We slowly moved our legs closer together till finally they were just touching. Then we gave the obligatory 1 minute wait to see if there was any pulling away. If not, then the legs move closer together.
This whole scenario generally ends with (or at least goes as far as) rubbing each others legs with your hand and finally holding hands.
The whole process is extremely fun and I think it'd been too long since I had one of those. Eventually Jack left, and we continued to drink beer and watch "Sex and The City" ... as I was getting up for a potty break, I decided to plant the first kiss. Oh my GOD! Sexy lips DO make for a good kisser. Actually a fuckin GREAT kisser.
We didn't really go too far, but there definitely was some "making out while our pants were off" kinda action going on. He was really tired, and so before he went to sleep on me (and also before things went even further) I kissed him on the forhead and then laid on his chest. We were asleep almost immediately.
This morning half of the residents and both of the houseguests descended upon my room to find us cuddled up in bed. They said Jack was cooking breakfast and if we wanted some to come on down. We laid in bed again for a few minutes, cuddling and just being goobers. Then he began sniffing the air ... the smell of bacon was filling the house.
It was almost like out of one of those old Bugs Bunny cartoons when someone smells something good, and the smell (usually in a cloud of smoke to let you know it's a smell) lifts them up from the ground and takes them to the source.
"Go get some breakfast!" I told him. "I'm stayin here."
I laid in bed for the next two hours mostly just thinking about what a cool night it had been. I couldn't fall back asleep, but it was nice to just relax. He came up around 11:30 to say they were off to the Bus and Trolley Museum (don't ask - but that's the passion du jour of Tom and Ben) to drive around some buses. (Or "motor coaches" as I'm told is the only acceptable term in this house)
I told him he'd find a piece of paper in my shoe with my phone number on it. He looked down at his shoes, saw it and smiled.
There was a lot of eye contact while both being silent kind of thing for 5 seconds here... 5 seconds there... It was like he wanted to say something, or felt like he should say something ... but didn't know what.
If my teeth had been brushed already (stupid ME!) I would have given him a goodbye kiss... they're usually a good gauge of whether or not you'll see someone again. The kisses at night are always passionate ... they're hot and sensual and lustful ... but morning after kisses can go either way. They can be like that ... or if there are regrets or guilt or any of those other icky feelings ... the kiss will be brief and almost an insult of it's former self.
But I had morning breathe ... so I didn't get to administer the test.
I don't think I'm going to stress over this one. I don't think I'm going to worry if he's going to call. I think I'm going to see if the playing it cool thing really does have some merit to it. I'd definitely dig hanging out with this boy again ... but if not then I still had that truly terrific evening.
1:46 PM
Saturday, October 09, 2004
I think I'm finally finding my circle of friends. Some of them have been around for a little while... some have just recently come along. Some are truly close people who I treasure deeply... some are casual aquaintances who sort of round out the series of my life with the occasional recurring guest star spot.
Kristy has been a constant close friend since we met. We've drifted a part a bit lately. She's going through some hard times, so I try to write off her mood swings as nothing personal and still try to find a way to be there for her. "Buttons & Mindy" as I like to call my favorite dynamic duo now, come over and hang out often. I haven't had friends like that for a long time. People who just get together and come over and see me just because they enjoy my company. And ... who come visit a lot. It's awesome. Some nights we play cards, some nights we smoke pot (well not ALL of us!) , somenights we watch "Dead Like Me," some nights we drink wine ... and some nights we do all of those things and more. Many of my most fun moments during the week are with them.
There's my pizza delivery boy friend (who used to be the chinese food boy delivery friend) who I see maybe once every other week, and talk to online occasionally. We'll hang out sometimes... or sometimes if I've ordered pizza, we'll smoke before he goes to his next delivery. When I first met him, I think I did my usual "this boy is nice...I should like him" thing...and cause of that we never got to be nescesarily close friends. (Nothing of any other nature to report either.) But he's a cool friend who I'll see every once and again and just chill with, smoke with, and talk to for an hour or two. Not someone I see a lot ... but a valued part of the circle.
There's Alonzo (a story on this will follow) who I hang out with, party with and feel stupid with every few months. I never feel good at the end of a day hanging out with Alonzo ... but I feel like somehow I've given myself a "soul enema" that will keep the toxins out for another few months. Last weekend, with him, for the first time in two years I took X.
OK, so let me tell you ... I've done many things in the many times I've rolled on X. Parties, sex, the beach, roller coasters and beer school at Busch Gardens .... One thing I had never tried was waiting tables while still feeling major effects from the X. DEAR GOD!!! Perhaps the worst four hours 39 minutes and 12 seconds of my ENTIRE LIFE!)
"If you'll look on this page right here ... you'll find a bunch of chicken meals... they all come with a free Happy Ending sunday ... and it is such a happy ending. I mean we should call it a blissful ending ... mmmmmmmmmmmmm.... It melts in your mouth and the cold of the ice cream pierces your tongue...."
OH MY GOD IT WAS HORRIBLE! I had my face under the heat lamp in the cooks line saying "Am I tanning?" I practacially massaged a cardboard box until I realized it was my manager just in time. It was NOT my finest night of work. Thankfully, there were no casualties.
Others in my life... there's "That Kelsey Girl" who is away at school now, but stopped in to see me while she was in Portland just a few days ago. This is a girl who I have an odd feeling I'll know for a long time... I think we'll continue to get to know each other for a long time to come ... She kinda is that little big sister... And hey, that's how the gay guys around Portland now her! LOL
Jack, my roommate that I absolutely adore (and am often to be found yelling "Shady Pines Ma!" to) and I went out to have some beers and play some pool for a few hours the other night. It was a scream. Just havin a few beers... playin some pool ... shooting the shit. Good times like that are few and far between ... and I wish that weren't the case.
Jamie, my best friend in the world...who not in the "geographical circle" of which I was referring still has to count because even when he's not here - he's here. That's a wonderful thing. He is going to try to make a visit this week ... not sure if it's too down to the wire or not ... but we're lookin at it.
Monday night I did something that just tickles me pink. I "went out with some of the girls from work." I LOVE THE WAY THAT SOUNDS! I feel like Mary Tyler Moore or somethin ... lol - anyway, they took me out for a late birthday drink after our shift. We didn't stay out late... bitched about the bullshit at work ... talked a little bit about men, and then went home. It was everything I'd dreamed it was! And more! Woo-hoo, my feminine side right here girlfriend! :)
There's "Frat Boy" who I also hung out with this week. We smoked, drank beers, watched some TV ... talked about a bunch of random shit. He tells hillarious stories and he's rather entertaining to watch because he's so animated. I was kinda feelin frisky that night, but resisted trying to steer things in that direction. Later, I wondered if that was a smart idea, or just a silly mistake! Hehehehe. Ah the crux of being a guy.
I talked to my old roommate Kate this week... we got to chat about some things going on in her life. I miss Kate a lot sometimes... and there's still issues that need to be resolved there. But I truly do love that girl, and would like to work on repairing that relationship.
And there's Joanna and her fiancee Jason, who I attended many social gatherings with ... me and Jamie. Dinners and margaritas... nights of DVD trivial pursuit and lasagna...and many other great times. I flaked on plans with Joanna a few times... and so she and I never got to develop what I had once thought would be a great friendship. Well Jason and Joanna came into my work this week (I'm not sure if it was on purpose or just convenience) and I waited on them. We chit chatted a bit and I said I'd call. I think I will, just to see ... It never hurts to try.
All in all ...I think it's been a great week for being able to look around and finally say "Yeah, I see who my friends I have nearby are..." I think I didn't recognize it at first, because it didn't quite seem like what that usual picture is for me. As a matter of fact, that I think is the thing that changes the most frequently about me. The people who I have around me. The choices I make in friends. And I think, for the first time in a while, I'm starting to feel good about those choices. I don't feel so lonely anymore ... and I've got some great people to thank for that.
Cheers! I'll drink to that!
3:33 AM
Friday, October 01, 2004
"I mean this is the person you slept in subway cars with, and went to horribly exciting over-the-top parties with... this is the one who told you the man of your dreams WOULD come along some day. a love you could die for, and oh you will..... oh you will."
My best friend wrote that in his blog recently about me. It's weird to read it. Weird because we did have all those insane adventures together. We stayed at the Mariott Marquis on a whirlwing lavish weekend in NYC to escape the insanity that was Florida. We have sat and talked till the wee hours of the morning about everything under the sun. We've done every drug together known to man, and had some amazing nights doing it ... some at our very own party palace, and some at a double-wide trailer in backwoods Florida with 300 people on an average weekend. We've sat on the phone together, thousands of miles apart, drinking wine and having a girl talk ... just like we were sitting on the bed doing the same thing. We've laughed and we've cried at the antics of Carrie on Sex and the City ... and we've had police search our house and take me out in cuffs. Jamie and I really have done it all. The good, the bad ... the crazy ... and yes, from time to time - the ugly.
The second reason it's weird to read it is because in some way, it sounds as though over the years perhaps my message of hope in the love department has leaned towards the optimistic. That's ironic to me because it never feel optimistic. I think I like to see my self as someone who keeps getting knocked down, but has something inside him saying that "some day..." I think that's inaccurate though. It's maybe the "P.R. spin" that any good publicist would put on it.
I think the truth is that I want what I say I think to be true... But I think that's just a good cover for someone who is slowly coming more to the realization that I might just be a little too "me" for anyone else to really click with in any sort of meaningful way. To look at someone that you're still getting to know and have that same look when you look at each other. "Wow ... I'm so lucky right now."
I often let myself go through the motions of that particular act even when I know I'm not fully in it. And then I find myself disapointed when the illusion crumbles on their side... or if not, then fairly soon in mine.
And sometimes... sometimes I genuinely feel it. I think that I've really finally met that someone special. And they ... they think that I'm a wonderful person who they would love to be friends with. Or ... or they're a little wise to my particular brand of boy, and let me go through my motions for some ulterior motives of their own. And in any of those situations, I end up losing a little more of that optimism and gaining a little bit more of that fear.
I met some boy tonight ... and more than anything he represents an extremely familiar situation in my life. I met him ... and before really getting a chance to find out what he was about, saw him find someone else much more appealing.
Now, a logical person realizes that their own personal insecurities and concludes that they could play a role in why these things happen frequently. But ... that said, there's still the other part of the equation. Someone is still always preferring Option B over Option A based on what usually turn out to be the same reasons.
Pride prevents me from saying what I feel those reasons are ... it sounds lame and I have to draw the lame line somewhere.
The boy tonight was nice... he was cute... but I lost his attention as soon as a cuter boy came along.
I'm not bummed about the boy... I didn't even really get much chance to start talkin to him ... I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm doing that because so often when I'm feeling good about myself and have let that confidence start to build up a little bit ... I still give it up so easily over the same stupid thing.
On this particular night I decided to put those thoughts out of my head... and read what my best friend was thinking about and how his mental health was fairing. And then I read his blog and see those words about me. The words that paint a picture of me that I so wish I felt bore more of an actual likenes...
"I mean this is the person you slept in subway cars with, and went to horribly exciting over-the-top parties with... this is the one who told you the man of your dreams WOULD come along some day. a love you could die for, and oh you will..... oh you will."
3:02 AM
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