A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Sunday, November 28, 2004
It really amazes me that when I'm in NYC, even if it's just for a short layover between buses, that I ust instantly feel at home.
Of course it would be nice to actually HAVE a home here again ... but all in due time I suppose.
I've just completed the first leg of my journey back to Maine. PA to NYC. Next comes the worst of the bus rides, the 4 and a half hour trip from NYC to Boston. Bleh! It's a long trip, the bus is always cramped and sometimes smells. But hey, I guess that's what happens when you take the $15 Chinatown Bus ... C'est la vie.
It's a rainy day in NYC, and I'm in Times Square, ostensibly my least favorite part of the city. Yet somehow today, even with the gloom and doom of the weather, and the obnoxious tourists running around, the city still invigorates me.
My trip to PA was definitely a good one. I got to spend some quality time with the family, see a bunch of old classmates I haven't seen in 10 years, relax and watch a couple of movies, see Jenny-Penny, who I've missed dearly... and have a couple of good meals in the process.
It was nice ... very nice.
And now it's back to reality... back to work at the shithole, back to the process of getting rent paid, back to the life that I've made for myself in Maine ...
But times, they are a changin. And so am I ... I feel myself changing lately. Not overnight ... and not all at once ... but it's happening. And soon it's gonna be time for my return to this wonderful city that I used to call home ... By New Years Day, I plan to have a date in mind ... and I plan to make a resolution to be back here by that date.
On the upside, Jamie is moving ahead with plans to move up here also. So once again Kevin and Jamie may share the same city again ... and New York certainly is a great one to share with your favorite partner in crime.
That I'm looking forward ...
...the rest of this bus trip, I am not.
Ah well ... c'est la vie.
1:36 PM
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Before I left for PA, I arrived to work on what was to be my last night before my Thanksgiving vacation. Amanda, one of the other servers at work had a sealed envelope from me. It was from Danielle, my favorite fountain girl (the people who make our ice cream) and inside was a goodbye note that she wanted me to have, since she is leaving Friendly's for greener pastures. It was the cutest thing in the whole world, and with her permission I'm posting it here, so everyone can involve the cutenesss that is Danielle:
Kevin Darling,
I'm sorry I didn't get to see you today, and I won't see you tommorrow, even though it's my last day. :(
But NEVER FEAR! I'll come and see you when I get back from Detroit. I know you're probably crying your eyes out, but just remember how much fun we had. Plus, I will be back like every week.
Now just a few rules that I have for you:
1.) Keep the age limit at 18. Nothing younger please.
2.) Only sing random songs to those who appreciate it. Don't waste it on those who don't.
3.) No matter what, even if a cute little person takes over my job I WILL be your favorite always. No exceptions.
4.) If you get into an argument with anoyone, you have my permission to use the whip cream on them. Show no mercy.
5.) If you have a new boy you wish to talk about, you WILL call me.
6.) Whenever I come into Friendly's you WILL have a table for me, even if your other customers have to eat on the floor.
I think that jsut about covers it. I know this is a rough time for you, but I have confidence that you will be OK.
Lots of love ... your all-time favorite fountain girl, the famous 11 year old,
Danielle.
PS: Remember, it is *I* who sold YOU the man without an oven, cookie dough. MWA-hahahahahaha!
Thanks for the warm fuzzys Danielle. You'll be missed.
7:48 PM
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Thanksgiving. A time to give thanks, right?
Well indeed, I find myself with a lot to be thankful for this year. My trip home (so far, I'm still here) has proven to be a very worthwhile experience.
I got in late Tuesday night, and found myself instantly bored by just the thought that I was in Pennsylvania again. Of course I ended up online, chatting away in chat rooms to see what the local gay boys were like these days.
I ended up meeting and hanging out with this kid named Brandon, with whom I watched the funniest movie I've seen in a long time. It was called "Girls Will Be Girls" and was a hillarious movie starring three drag queens. In the film, they were all playing real women however. Viscious evil women ... the movie was a HOOT. And Brandon was cool ...
The next day I was up at the crack of noon to begin running errands. I finally got myself a new ID, as for the past 6 months, I've had nothing to prove who I am to get into bars, get onto planes or even buy beer at 7-11. The state of PA had me in their computers still, so they deemed me worthy of a brand spankin' new ID card, with my happy face plastered on it... proving once and for all that I am me.
Next stop was the local mall's version of an H&M (a groovy clothing store that sells trendy NYC style clothes) ... I was determined to find a cute outfit for that night when I would attend my 10 year high school reunion. It took 45 minutes of trying on everything in their very limited mens department, but I finally found the perfect outfit.
After the clothes shopping came a trip to the grocery store... and then to the liquor store where I actually persuaded my father to buy me a box of wine so I could get my buzz on before the evening got underway.
Now, my 10 year high school reunion had me nervous as hell ... Originally Jenny-Penny, one of my oldest and dearest friends (who I hadn't seen in forever) was going to accompany me. At the last minute she had to cancel, but we made plans to hang out afterwards.
I decided that 45 minutes constituted "fashionably late" ... and 5 large glasses of boxed wine constituted "fashionably drunk" and I arrived at my high school reunion (at a restaurant called "The Press Room") looking fabulouous and ready to see old friends ... and old nemesis.
It was odd to see how remarkably different some people were, and how remarkably the same others were. One of the girls I had an insane crush on during my "straight high school days" was there decked out in a business suit and a short "woman on the go" haircut ... she was now a producer for the local news. She and I chatted for a few minutes, and it was so incredibly surreal. Talking to someone as an adult, that I hadn't spoken to since our teenage years. It was amazing the difference ... in her and in others.
Some of the people had kids now ... or big jobs ... and some were the same computer geeks or obnoxious cheerleaders they were in high school. (To be fair, there were only 3 people I saw there who seemed to have not changed since high school ... everyone else had really grown up and moved past the frivolity of youth)
Still, the event was a bit awkward without an arm to hold onto for comfort... so after staying for about an hour, Jenny-Penny pulled up in front of "The Press Room" to announce that my rescue ride had arrived.
I hopped into her car and off to the Travelodge for karaoke we went. The Travelodge had been one of our favorite hangouts when I lived in PA ... we were always to be found there singing some tunes and workin on a pitcher of beer ... Much to my surprise, you can still smoke in bars in PA ... and they're open till 2. SCORE!
We ended up only staying long enough to down a pitcher, and each sing a song. Then we both decided to nurse our Taco Bell craving and RUN FOR THE BORDER... (Side note: Taco Bell now serves burritos with POTATOES inside of them ... Mmmm)
After gorging ourselves on a bunch of assorted Taco Bell goodies, there was one more stop to make: The Tally Ho, the local gay bar. We went in just long enough for me to throw down one more drink (Which at this point I REALLY didn't need, but hey - I'm on vacation.)
While there, I ran into an old flame who I hadn't seen in years. He had changed from a skinny and very flamboyant little thing to a muscular, rather masculine acting adult. Wow... someone else who had matured over the years since I'd last seen them.
We chatted for a while, and then Jenny-Penny and I took off. Destination: home.
I passed out fairly early, and was woken up Thanksgiving morning by my little sister tickling me.
Now, I grew up an only child ... but I'm adopted. I met my biological parents when I was 18, and found out that I had 2 full sisters, and a few half sisters and brothers. Sadly, I don't get to spend as much time with any of them as I'd like, but I'd talked to my little sister the day before and invited her to Thanksgiving dinner...
It took me a while to pull myself out of bed, and my plans of cooking Thanksgiving dinner went out the window as I told my dad to go ahead and do it ... I was hungover and tired... and kind of wanted to relax and enjoy the day.
We ate a wonderful dinner complete with turkey, stuffing, mashed taters, corn, rolls, cole slaw and iced tea... mmmmm ... I saved my piece of pumpkin pie for a midnight snack later... and shortly after dinner my sister took off... but it was a really nice Thanksgiving dinner.
Afterwards, my dad showed me one of his new toys. He'd bought this contraption that projects DVD's and videos onto a movie screen. He has it set up in the family room in our basement, and attached to the huge speakers in the stereo down there. He had the 3'rd Lord Of The Rings movie on DVD, and I'd never seen it ... so we veged out on the leather couches and watched the movie ... like in our own personal movie theater.
That movie is like 18 hours long, so I dozed a bit throughout it ... but saw most of it and even found myself with some tears at the end as Frotto said goodbye to his friends (a couple of hobbits who I swear were having a gay affair).
Later I persuaded dad to run me to Blockbuster to get a few other movies to watch in the basement movie theater. I have yet to finish them all ....
My parents have gone a bit high tech while I was away. In addition to that new toy, a speedy new computer, cable internet, and a bunch of other gadgets... my parents are (GET THIS) now a NEILSEN FAMILY!
That's right... my parents are responsible for the ratings of TV shows that producers hold so dear. I worked in television a good bit of my life... mostly on shows that got cancelled due to poor ratings... and now, that I live in Maine and wait tables at Friendly's ... NOW they are a part of the ratings system. There is most certainly a rather cruel irony there... Cruel indeed...
All in all it's been a wonderful trip so far... I usually end up miserable and counting down the days till I leave when I'm home in PA. It's nothing against my parents, it's just rather boring and reminds me of a different time in my life. But I've managed to have a lot of fun, accomplish a lot, and perhaps even learn a little something during this trip.
Something to give thanks for ... most certainly.
Happy Thanksgiving.
10:07 PM
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
In the next 24 hours, I'll have been in 3 out of the 4 cities I've lived in throughout my 28 years.
The morning will begin in Portland, ME where I'll wake up and depart a bus to Boston, MA. Now while I've never lived in Boston, I need to go there to get my connecting bus to New York City, where I spent 7 years of my adult life living... and hope to find myself living in again before my next birthday. And the finally the journey will conclude in Lancaster, PA ... where the fun is only just starting.
I'll spend Wedsnesday preparing for two big events. My 10 year high school reunion that evening, and fixing Thanksgiving dinner for my parents the next day.
YIKES! The stress! The pressure!...
...The amount of alcohol I'm going to have to consume...
Oy vey!
I'll have internet access at home, so you can expect regular updates.
In the meantime, I am going to catch some shut eye, so I can be refreshed and awake for a DAY OF BUS RIDER HELL!!!...
2:17 AM
Sunday, November 21, 2004
A rather monumentous occasion happened this evening, in a small and quite casual way. My life from Florida and my life here in Maine intersected for the first time in a year.
One of the regular Tampa Queers who (like me) was a fixture of the party scene in Florida. He too, now lives in Maine.
My friends dragged me to the club after work tonight, where I actually ended up having a fairly good time. As I was outside smoking a cigarette, Ryan walked outside. I'd talked to him online, and knew he was in Maine, but I hadn't seen him yet.
"Ryan?"
"Hey Kevin." he said without showing much surprise.
We chatted for a bit, then as I walked back inside I heard him talking to his other friends who had joined him outside. "That's this kid I used to party with in Florida ... oh my God, the afterhours parties he had..."
Yeah, that used to be me...
1:52 AM
Monday, November 15, 2004
I called a cab to take me home from work tonight. I waited the usual 15 minutes (I didn't request the gay cab driver whom I've bonded a bit with because the dispatcher sounded rushed) and finally was picked up by some driver I thought I might have seen before.
I tell him my adress.
"Same as always." he says to me and laughs before launching into a random tyrade about the night he'd had so far, and so on and so forth ...
As we were driving down Brighton Avenue, approaching the 7-11, I made a last minute decision. I wanted cigarettes and wine.
"Can you stop at the 7-11?" I asked him.
"Don't we always?" he asked me. "I would have thought something was wrong if you hadn't asked to stop there. I was already planning to ..."
A creature of habit I wondered?... Is that what I've become?
I have ... my work schedule is almost the same every week. I never go out on weekends (I work too late) but tend to go out for the karaoke nights on Tuesdays and Thursdays, if anything.
I take the cab home almost the same time every night, watch the same TV shows, smoke the same pot, talk to the same (kinds) of boys online .... I have a pattern...
But I feel something changing in me lately. I said it to someone tonight and I'm not sure they understood what I meant. But I see the marked periods in my life when I've changed drastically in some way or the other ... there have been very distinct times... and I feel another one is upon me. My feelings and emotions seem to be changing almost overnight....
And ... I'm not sure if it's the mary-jane, or the me talking ... but something in me is changing.
I'm so excited...
...and I think I like it ...
I'm about to lose control, and I ...
...and I think I like it!
2:38 AM
Friday, November 12, 2004
Ok, so this entry is going out to one person. And a million people read my journal, and a million people are gonna be calling me, or emailing me, or txting me saying "Was that me you were writing about?"
And the truth of the matter, this entry is for one person. I know very clearly right now who that person is, and it may never cross my mind, or utter my lips again ... but for right now, with this one moment of extreme clarity ... whether you ever read this... or ever get this... or do both, but think that it couldn't really be about you ...
It'a for one person. Very specifically right now... one person from my life .....
I'm thinking of the last episode of my favorite TV show... a scene in a museum...a show of support...
To this one person, I say this....
"I would never let go of your hand."
3:32 AM
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Carrie said it once on "Sex and the City" ... and I find myself feeling it from time to time. She said once, "I'm lonely, I am. The loneliness is palpable."
It is. Sometimes it really is. I've caught myself aching lately... actually physically aching, for what feels like loneliness. It sounds pathetic. It's been so long since I've been in a real relationship. God, if I have to try to remember the last NORMAL one I had, I'm not sure how far back I'd have to go.
I guess the last relationship of signifigant length was Adrian in Florida. I think about him sometimes... and for all of the problems with the relationship, and all the mistakes we both made ... sometimes I giggle when I think about the pizza topping names we had for each other. I was "his little mushwoom" and he was "my little sausage" ... lol ok, I know it's disturbing but the context had nothing to do with sex. It was this odd, but cute little thing that we did. I find myself missing my little sausage sometimes... and I wonder if he still reads this. Do you Adrian?... You did for a long time... I wonder if you still do. We should talk someday... if you do.
Before that it was Rich. On again and off again for almost two years. Arguably, one of my greatest loves to this date ... certainly a tumultuous and unhealthy relationship ... But I loved him. And he loved me. We just could never seem to make it work. And our lsat actions with each other ... his in NYC, and mine in the months to follow, make it pretty near unlikely we'll ever talk again. This might not be the worst thing... but I think about him a lot. I always hoped things would be different with him and I ... when I was different. I guess I gave up hope on that last year... but ... I loved him. I loved him very deeply, despite all the shit.
In between Adrian and Rich, there was Jonathan. We jumped into a relationship, but a relationship that seemed wonderful for the few months it lasted... he stayed at my house... we played house... we had the closest I've had to a normal life during the time I lived in Florida ... I've talked to Jonathan right before I left Florida, and he wished me well ... that was nice.
There've been people I've "dated" or "gone out with" since I've been here... but it's beeen a lot of lonely since I moved to Maine. I'm not desperate... it's not that i just want to date anybody. One thing I know about myself is that I have a tendency to look at guys I meet as potential dates first, and friends second. It's an old habit, and they say those die hard. I'm not even sure it's a bad thing ... but it usually ends up going nowhere, and I've spent all this time telling my friends about this new guy ... only to stop talking about him again a few days later.
I guess I just want to catch somebody's elses attention. It's been so long since somebody has looked at ME with those eyes... is that such a bad thing to want?
In the past few weeks, there were two different boys I'd met at different times. One I'd talked to for a while, and the other I'd just met... In both cases, there seemed to be promise of the beginnings of something ... A week later, and both are now seeing other people... and I'm trying to be the adult who smiles and says "Good for them..."
"Good for them." Cause it seems to bitter and selfish and pathetic to say what I really feel ...
When is it my turn?...
3:15 AM
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
OK, first of all I feel like Whitney Houston tonight. No special reason, just had to throw that out there!
Anyway ... so I had a groovy night with some groovy friends. Definitely feelin the groovy vibe.
Thinkin a lot of vibes today ....been trying to assemble the puzzle pieces and figure out what my game plan for the next few years is going to be. And in a few ways, even within the next several months.
So, apparently I didn't have anything that terribly exciting to say, because I'm pretty much out of things to type...
Here's to you Whitney! You go girl!
2:23 AM
Monday, November 08, 2004
I have had a few "almosts" in the past few weeks. Little beginnings of something with a boy that looked like it had potential. Turns out none of them did. Thought for a few days that I was going back to an old "crush" ... but decided that was I was actually doing there was something completely different. I've just grown exhausted of looking. And to that end I have some other things I've decided I'm going to begin focusing more energy on immediately.
#1.) My 10 year high school reuinion is coming up. I must concentrate all efforts into a crash diet, finding an appropriate guest, and selecting just the right look for the evening.
#2.) I'm finally writing the play that I've had skeletoned out in my head for almost 2 years now. And I think Portland is a great place to put it on. It's a two-person play, and I'm one of the people. (You can take that however...) I think it will be great fun. I want to write it, act in it, and work closely with a good director. And find a boy to play one character that is such a culmination of so many influences on my life.
#3.) I've got two opportunities to begin something to start me back on my path to NYC. A chain restaurant is hiring locally, that has a location in NYC. I'd been thinking that a job that I could transfer with, would help make the move back easier. The second is an actual career opportunity. An offer to get involved in something that will probably permanently change the direction of my life once again. In a very good way ... but ... change ... although good, is often times difficult.
So ... three big things I need to start focusing my energy on.
Yes, its nice to have someone to make all of this that much more exciting ... but I can't sit around and wait to do these things until I have someone to share them with. I've been doing that for far too long. It's time to start going the places that I want to go in my life ... and hope the elusive "one" ends up on my subway car ... or my Learning Annex Class ... or at a casting session, where I could be on either side of the table ...
If I'm gonna have to be a little lonely ... well by God, I'm not going to be "Bored AND Lonely!"
Look out world... HERE I COME ! ! ! !
OK, bed time. Must conquer world in morning. Mmmm, and maybe an english muffin.
First english muffin. Then conquer world.
I should probably get a palm pilot.
2:47 AM
Sunday, November 07, 2004
I just heard a great monologue in a movie. Bear in mind, I'm a wee-bit stoned, so I'm completely retelling it as I remember it ...
It was Steve Martin, in Father of The Bride 2, (Who knew this was a keeper?!?) and he's responding to his wife Diane Lane (who is going into labor) when she says "You were an hour late for our first date." ....
"I wasn't an hour late. I never told you this before?... Well, I got there, and I was standing outside the window, and I saw you sitting inside. You looked so beautiful sitting there waiting, drinking your water, talking to the waiter. I just stood there and watched you and fell in love with you. Then I watched you as you got into your blue V.W. with your hair blowing in the wind. And I stopped and I thought that I better do something, otherwise I would probably never see you again."
To which Diane Lane responds, "And that's how I almost hit you with my car."
Indeed.
Now that... that's kind of how I picture how I'm gonna meet that boy ... if he's out there...
I have no idea who he is, but that little scene in a Steve Martin movie made me think, maybe he's out there, and he's just waiting to run me over with his car...
Hey, a boy can dream ....
2:58 AM
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Sometimes ...
Sometimes I feel like I need to start over.
Not circumstances... but me... all of the things that I am so proud of about myself are also my biggest weaknesses.
I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of posting my feelings up here for all the world to see...and thinking that somehow ... somewhere... someones going to read all of this shit and think that I'm something special ...
Through it all I've always thought I was ....
I knew Bush would get re-elected. But I kept hoping for a surprise. I kept thinking that maybe the country would surprise us and kick the fucker out ...
I keep expecting the worst, but still deep down hoping for the best...
...and it's that part of me ... that deep down part... that is always the most disapointed when what I feel turns out to be the truth.
I hurt tonight...I hurt for a bunch of reasons. But I always heal ... I'm just not sure that I want to heal the same way anymore... Maybe it's time for that scar tissue to make something new... to be something new...
...cause I sure am fucking sick of myself.
3:33 AM
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