A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Wednesday, January 21, 2004
I have a line from a movie in my head that I'm going to quote.... changing only the subject:
"You don't marry a 'porn store clerk' ... you have a hot little affair with them that you recall fondly in your twilight years."
Ain't it the truth ... ain't it the truth...
So ... the depression has subsided somewhat... I definitely am feeling more back to myself (save for this annoying fucking cold) ... The job search hasn't turned up anything wonderful yet. NO one is hiring waiters in January.
I had an interview and "personality test" at Friendly's yesterday ... that was somewhat positive, but they said it might be a few more weeks till they need someone ... I wanted to tell the man to shove an ice cream cone up HIS banana split... but the name of their restaurant is "Friendly's" so I decided against it.
There's not really a lot to report... life has been dull... these trips to the library to get online will hopefully soon be coming to an end... we're getting our internet back within the next few days...so that's a plus ....
In the meantime... there are always cute boys in the library ... always good to have nice scenery... ;)
4:05 PM
Saturday, January 10, 2004
Well ... back at the beginning of November something kinda wonderful happened. After having left Maine with his boyfriend for a few months, my best friend Jamie returned. It was never meant to be a permanent visit ... he needed to get away from the heat in Arizona to sort through some things and to put in some time at Denny's so he could put together some money. Arizona hadn't proved to be very profitable...
The date was set for his return, almost immediately after his arrival. January 9'th. I knew that having him here for a few months would be good for me ... I haven't (for whatever reason) gotten close to very many people here... the support system I like to keep around myself was fairly non-existant here and I was definitely missing my best friend. Certainly it wasn't the cure to all my blues ... the past few weeks were certainly a testament to that... but wherever I am always feels a bit more like home with Jamie there.
Thursday night we went out for our last big night out on the town for a while ... we drank... we danced... we yelled at some stupid boys... we hit Denny's (we actually LITERALLY hit Denny's thanks to a drunken friend who stepped on the gas instead of the brake) ... and then Friday morning, the last words we said to each other were annoyed ones. There was a dispute over some cigarettes ... I was hungover... had woken up late... came out as he was preparing to walk out the door ... got quickly annoyed about something, barked something bitchy and went back into my bedroom.
I tried to find it in myself to go back out as I heard him walk out the door ... But I guess I knew that I couldn't handle a tearful goodbye at that point... my emotional levels have been too up and down lately.
Besides, we'll see each other again ... probably sooner than later... But we'll see what the future holds..
In the meantime, it's time for me to get off my ass and start doing some shit. Top of the list is getting myself a new job and PRONTO! ... Second is straightening out things with bills and such at the house ... and third is to get my damn self a bit more emotionally stable... no more falling to pieces over things that won't matter in the not-so-distant future anyway. I'm a stronger person than that, and I know that ... it's time to start showing myself and anyone else who cares to see...
In the meantime: I miss you Jamie! *hugz* See you soon!
3:11 PM
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
I hate not having internet access at my house right now. Adding further to my depression is my inability to even contact people... no phone... no internet... Gots ta pay da bill... but gots ta get a job again first.
I had talked to the manager at the other Denny's on Sunday ... he said he needed to speak with someone but seemed optimistic about the prospect of hiring me over there. I was to call him today to find out his decision ... well he tells me that he thinks I should talk to Lisa (my old manager) again because he feels as though she wants me back ... or would take me back at some point and he'd lose me.
OK, that's all well and good, but I can't afford to wait... I need to get myself "fixed" (for lack of a better word) and I can't do that with no money. If I don't get some flow in soon, not only will I have my depression issues to worry about, but I'll be homeless and starving... and from all I hear, those things don't lend themself to a non-depressed environment.
The idea of borrowing money repulses me ... so I haven't been able to bring myself to do that ... not that I'm even sure I'd have anyone to borrow from if I did ask ... Jamie does enough for me as it is, so I certainly can't and won't ask him ... I talked to my mom today and she's going to discuss it with my father... but that seems a highly unlikely situation.
I know there are many other things I have to deal with but I can't do that until I'm at stable financially... I'm the opposite of that right now ... I have roughly $2.00 and it's all in change... HOW GHETTO IS THAT!?...
It amazes me, how I, as one person can have been at so many extremes in my life. Financially, I've had gobs of money... and also been broke and destitute. Emotionally I've been in a place where I thoguht nothing could ever touch me... and as low as to just want it to all go away. Career wise, I've been on TV shows watched by people across the country and gotten fan mail ... and now I'm struggling to get a job back waiting tables at Denny's.
I guess I can never say, however I end up, that I haven't lived all that there is to live... and experienced many different sides of life ...
Yeah, so when I write my book I'll have plenty to talk about and I'll make millions... in the meantime, it's Ramen Noodles for me...
4:10 PM
Friday, January 02, 2004
As I look back, and read the entry that I wrote before going out on New Year's Eve, I realize that I probably shouldn't have gone out drinking in the mood I was in. Good things were not bound to happen. But, after all, hindsight is 20/20.
I don't feel like going into details right now ... I'm still not in the best of places. Needless to say, the low-lights of the evening were heavy drinking, a surprise visit at my house from a boy I liked, who rarely gives me the time of day, but apparently had nowhere else to go on New Years Eve... ringing in the New Year drunk in the living room watching Dick Clark, followed by more heavy drinking ... a knock-down dragout fight with Jamie when he got home, and culminating in me threatening to jump out Kate's bedroom window, which landed me in the hospital for observation.
I'm still sorting through all of it in my head... needless to say I was in no shape to go to work the next morning. Depression was consuming me, and I didn't care about much of anything. As much as it pained Lisa to do it, she had to let me go. So, on top of it all - I'm jobless now.
I feel so alone right now ... so distanced from everything and everyone ... and I just don't know what to do to fix me anymore. Things were so good for a while... and now they all just seem to be too much again. I felt like I was strong again, for the first time in years...and slowly that's been fading ...
I don't know where to go from here... I need to pick myself up and start fighting again ... I need to ... it's just so hard to fight when you feel so alone...
4:48 PM
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