A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Monday, May 31, 2004
My brain is in so many places as I write this post. I'm not stoned. I'm not drunk. I'm not coked up. I'm just ... well, I'm just me I guess.
Jamie left Thursday ... I wanted so badly for him to stay ... For selfish reasons and for altruistic ones. I know that I need him right now. I know that I'm going through a lot right now and that it's one of those times when having my best friend in the same city would help me so much. On the flip side, I also felt that it was a bad choice for him to go back to Arizona. It wasn't where he needed (or is it wanted?) to be right now. My best friend has so much potential and so many dreams... and he's not living up to it or chasing them. Certainly Portland isn't the be-all-end-all ... but he's loved here. Scratch that, I think he's loved there too ... But I know my friend... he's not happy. And as selfishly as I want happiness for myself, I want it so badly for him too. He's gotten me through so much in the years I've known him ... and I hope that I've been able to do the same for him. I want to see him do things that make HIM happy. Not just others.
As I cried and said goodbye to him he jokingly said (as he often does when he leaves) "I'll see you next week."
This time it seems it wasn't a joke. He's coming home on Wednesday and I suspect this time it's for good. I'm not gonna go into too much detail on here ... it's not my story to tell ... Right now I'm just doing what I can to help him ... and I know he'll do what he can to help me. It's one of the few things I can count on in my life right now and that's a great source of comfort.
Two more weeks until I no longer live in the apartment I've called home for almost a year. I've thrown around so many ideas in my head of where to go; another apartment in Portland, to PA and my parents for a little while, a rooming house here in Maine, Tennessee with Kristy... and the ever-constant: New York City. Home. The one place I feel truly strong and alive ... I want to be more prepared when I go back there though. I don't want to go back there in some big rush because I've been forced into making a rather hasty decision. Still though, it seems to be the front runner right now out of all my choices.
The past few days have been ... well, they've been hard. Many things (some I don't feel like writing about right now) have happened and left me feeling scared, alone, desperate, alone ... Wait, I already said alone. Perhaps it bears repeating. Or maybe it's the wrong word all together. Lonely. Maybe that's a better choice in words.
I haven't seen "Frank" since the visit he paid me last week ... but from away messages, and the ever-constant gossip mill of homosexual-land, I know some of what's going on in his life. I had told him a few weeks ago that I wasn't sure that he and I should spend time together... I knew my feelings were growing, and his were diminishing. But then I thought about it, and I decided that I didn't want to just break off contact with him. All of the emotional confusion aside, I thought he had been a good friend to me. So, I'd send him IM's here and there... I'd make efforts to open up dialogue ... I tried to talk to him one night, when I just really needed a friend. The truth of the matter is that he was too busy. The truth of the matter is that he no longer has time for me. The night before Jamie left, we had a long talk about the "Frank" situation ... I told him everything that I had thought and felt... how meeting "Frank" was supposed to just be a hookup during a meth-induced night of horniness and how it developed into more than that. How he went from being "the Abercrombie boy" to being someone who made me smile and feel so good ... and how eventually, for whatever reason, to being "that guy who doesn't come around anymore..."
It's funny how everyone noticed the change in me during the month that "Frank" and I were hanging out ... Change in so many ways.
The truth of the matter is, I'm not really sure anymore that any of it was real. I observed something the last time I saw him that really made me think. I saw a two-faced person, who said one thing to one friend of his ... and a completely different thing to another friend of his, with what looked like selfish motives. Saying one thing to one person and something completely different to the other person. I'd been there to see both interactions... And it got me to thinking ... Did hanging out with me make HIM smile?... Did he get all excited when MY number would show up on caller ID? ... Did he talk about me to his friends and ask them what he should do? No. No probably not. That's the easy answer. Actually ... scratch that ... those are the easy questions. The hard one: was even our friendship real?... The answer to that one? Well, I'm still working on that. I guess the answer is right in front of me. When was the last time he called to see how I was?... Asked how my apartment hunting was going or if I was going to be homeless?... Asked if I was ok when Jamie left?... Called just to say hello?...
So why am I sitting here being sad about someone who obviously finds me completely forgettable both as a lover (for lack of a better word) or a friend?... I guess it's just because that's who I am. I give so much of myself so easily because it's who I am. I open up and let people in ... and then when they're gone I feel so hurt and so betrayed. Isn't it just really me who is the problem?... Why do I find it so difficult to control my emotions the way other people do?... Why can't *I* find a way to take what I need from people and not get attached. Everyone else seems to be so accomplished at it ... so good at it ... and then, when I'm down ... when I truly need them ... they simply no longer have time.
I had a thought last night. It left me feeling so empty. I picked up my cell phone, with roughly 150 numbers in it - about 60 of them people I know here in Portland... and tried to find one person in it that I could call for the simplest thing: a hug. I went through the whole phone from A to Z ... Then I turned off my phone, laid down in bed and cried.
5:44 AM
Monday, May 24, 2004
I'm a dork sometimes. I'm a libra, which is part of where this dorkiness that I speak of comes from. I tend to romantacize, or symbolize the signifigances or coincidences of my crazy life.
Yesterday, one week after he got to Maine for vacation, Jamie took off for a few days to go see his family in Preque Isle. He'll be back in a few days and get to spend another day or two with me when he goes... so not the most interesting anniveraary typey coincidence.
Last Sunday, it had been a month since I'd first met and hung out with "Frank" ... I knew this wasn't an "anniversary of a passionate relationship" ... but it was nonetheless the "anniversary" (for lack of a better word) of me meeting someone who I felt had enriched my life in some silly way ... So I gave him a little hug and casually mentioned this to him later ... being only a silly boy who doesn't sometimes realize that even though it makes sense in his head... other people don't always get what you mean. Well one month was one week ago ... and that, coincidentally is the last time I saw "Frank" ... Two in one. Score.
The most noteable anniversary news was given to me on Friday. My roommate Kate decided that she needed to move to a smaller apartment that she could afford better, and that the landlords had shown her a one bedroom for less than she's paying for just her half of our two bedroom. So, after signing the paperwork and making the final decision, she woke me up with "I need to talk to you about something ..." (Well, what she doesn't know is that I'd eavesdropped inadvertantly on a conversation she had with Jamie on the phone, where she had told him the night before that she was thinking about it) ... I was quite angry at her balls for telling my best friend before me, and then swearing him not to tell me until she'd made up her mind) But I digress... so the news was delivered and I was told that we would both have to be out by June 15'th.
June 15'th was when I first came to Portland from Florida last year...
Happy Anniversary to all ... and to all a goodnight!
3:45 AM
Thursday, May 20, 2004
It's a rarity that I'm up at 9:30 in the morning. It's even more of a rarity that something has brought me to tears so early in the day ... today is an unusual day in many regards.
I didn't wake up in my own bed this morning, so that in itself is a bit of an oddness. I woke up a few blocks away, in the bed of a Macauley Culkin lookalike named Ben. I met Ben a few nights ago, and thought he was a pretty neat boy, but I had some unfinished business the other night so nothing came of it then.
I'd been thinking over the past few days that it was finally time to talk to "Frank" about all of the things that were in my head. Sunday it had been a month since we met and what an awesome month it had been. This past weekend was no exception. Friday night he and I got in his car and drove the eight hours to NYC to pick up Jamie from the airport. We ended up sleeping for a few hours in his car after arriving, which mortified him, but of course didn't phase me. Jamie took to him instantly and of course I relied upon Jamie for his take on the situation. Once we got back to Maine, and Jamie and I had time alone to talk he said "I just don't know what to tell ya Kev... you guys definitely have a 'boyfriend element' to your relationship..." OK! So I wasn't imagining it. Certainly "Frank" and I weren't boyfriends, but sometimes it felt like we were ... and I had been curious if that was wishful thinking or intuitive observation. He's said repeated times that he doesn't want to date anyone right now ... and I've tried to drill that into my head ... but when you develop feelings for someone your brain doesn't always listen to your heart. It can't. The heart always has a louder voice than the brain ... well, at least mine does.
I put a lot of thought into this the next few days. Jamie and I talked at great length. I thought about the fact that over the past few weeks I'd stopped noticing other guys. I wasn't not only looking for someone else, but I was actually ignoring people who were showing an interest in me. I felt like I had what I wanted and that scared me ... it scared me because I knew that it wasn't real. The feeling certainly was ... but nothing beyond that. What I had, certainly on paper, was nothing more than a friendship. But it felt like there could be more... and I had to know. I had to take a chance if one was going to taken ... and I had to do it before I got in any deeper. So I left a message for "Frank" saying that I wanted to talk to him ... but never heard back from him that day. Odd to not have heard from him at all ... odder still that the last time he had called me, our caller ID showed "Private Number" ... something I didn't think much of at the time. I went out Tuesday night for a night of karaoke with Jamie ... a cute boy was at the bar and Jamie and I were both fawning all over him. But in the midst of it, I realized ... I was still thinking about "Frank" ... I couldn't even devote my attention to sweeping some hot boy in red pants off his feet ... my mind was focused somewhere else ... I walked home sad but still resigned to talking to "Frank" ...
When I arrive home, I turn on my AIM and look him up ... not online but an away message is up. "In bed still thinkin of ya" it reads... I stare at the monitor for a moment. The message clearly was meant for someone. It clearly wasn't me. How much you can really get out of six little words. The six words, combined with knowing "Frank" and his usual messages ... I wasn't dating "Frank", but I WAS someone special to him ... I knew even before the phone call that all that was about to change.
The phone call wasn't from "Frank" ... it was from a friend ... shooting the shit, seeing if I was still up or not ... talking about random this-and-that ... Then the question. "Have you talked to 'Frank' today?"
"Uhm... no. Why?" I ask, knowing that I should change the subject before he answers. But I don't.
"Oh, no reason really... I think he's interested in this guy I know."
The specifics aren't important... but this piece of information, combined with the away message was enough. My feelings were getting hurt and it would only get worse if I didn't do something. I'd been so close to putting my feelings out there and taking a chance... to saying "I know you don't want to date... but something's going on here... can we acknowledge that?... Can we try something more and see if it works at all?" I was so close to putting it all on the line. And now it was just a moot point. Now someone else was taking my place. The sleepovers, the hanging out with the whole group, the stolen moments without Mindy and Heather around, the blow jobs first thing in the morning, the private jokes, the drives around town with the music cranked up, meeting each other friends ... all the stuff that I'd spent the last month doing with this boy... someone else was about to start doing those things. I would eventually be forgotten.
How accurate was all of this?... I don't know really, but at that moment it wasn't speculation. It was knowledge. It was a sense that this was what was about to happen ... And I couldn't... I couldn't do it ... I had to say goodbye to this bright ray of sunshine that had occupied so many of my thoughts for the past month. That boy who was supposed to just be a one night stand. That boy who should have been nothing more than "The Abercrombie boy I bagged..." He'd become so much more than that ... so much more than just his beautiful outside. I'd become immune to that in favor of his beautiful inside. How insane when things turn out so completely different than you think they will in the beginning.
I sent him a rather long rant in "IM" while he was away ... I told him everything that I'd felt and how much I cared for him, but that I thought it was time to back off before I got hurt. I made a conscious effort to not say anything that could be taken in a hurtful way ... I had no ill will towards this boy. I wasn't angry ... I was only hurt ... and that was no ones fault but my own.
His response at first was an angry one... I was away when he sent it and viewed it later. But then came another response telling me to listen to a song ... I hadn't heard the song before but when I came home this morning I sat down and downloaded it. The song was "The Reason" ... and that's why I'm sitting here at 10am on a Thursday morning crying. Download the song if you don't already know it ... perhaps then you'll understand.
It always comes down to "Sex and the City" for me ... Jamie and I watched the final episode the other night ... and Carrie's final quote of the episode has stuck with me, and seems an appropriate way to end this rather long entry:
"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic. Those that are old and familiar. Those that bring up lots of questions. Those that bring you somewhere unexpected. Those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and signifigant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you who you love... well, that's just fabulous!"
9:35 AM
Friday, May 14, 2004
In 29 hours I'm going to be the most happiest person in the whole wide world, cause I'll be at JFK airport in NYC picking up my best friend who is coming to see me for a whole two weeks! YAY JAMIE!
It's been four months since I've seen him ... and I guess it's been an exhausting past few ... I've felt weaker in many ways, although certainly make every effort to appear stronger than I actually feel. Loneliness has been a big thing ... I have some friends, but have been selective about who I let close since leaving Florida. I don't have an extremely tight circle of people who I really trust and care about. Not to say that there aren't some, just a very small number. And certainly no one who even comes close to being the friend that Jamie is... well to be fair, no one really could ... but that's for many reasons. Kristy has been a tremendous friend, and helps me on so many levels. I hope I'm the friend to her that she is to me...
Loneliness for other reasons too ... it's so easy to be comfortable sometimes... even if that comfort lies in something you know you're only imagining ... but that sort of comfort ... fake comfort... it leaves a lonely feeling as well, it's just buried a bit deeper...
Anyway ... hopefully the next few weeks will both be tremendous fun, deeply comforting, and leave me a bit stronger to head into the next few months ...
I'm a bit stoned, so I suppose I'm rambling. It's time to sleep ... tommorrow should prove to be an exciting day ...
1:08 AM
Monday, May 10, 2004
Sometimes, I'm confused. Sometimes, I'm lost. Sometimes, I don't know what I want ... and sometimes I feel like I know exactly what I want and just not how to achieve it.
I had a crazy night last night in order to just disconnect myself a bit ... not just from the "Frank" thing, but from other things I've been thinking about. There's so much in my life that I'm thankful for right now... so much that has changed for the better, and things that I see as possible that weren't just a year ago ... The emotions I go through run the gambitt between excitement and confusion.
I do know what I want out of my life... at least in a general sense... and I certainly feel that those things are possible, which is perhaps the greatest gift that moving to Maine has given me. Does that mean life is easy now?... That the answers are all there?... No, certainly not... but I'm on a path now... a path with some direction and that makes me feel more hope than I thought was possible during the years I spent losing myself in Florida.
I have options now... and options are wonderful. But sometimes options are just that. Choices you can make... directions you can take... things to choose from. But what happens when you make those choices?... Do you hope they work out, or do you do something to make the things that you desire a reality?...
I want to start writing again ... but fear of creating something I won't be proud of prevents me. Do I let that fear prevent me from trying, or do I decide that what I have to gain is worth much more than what I have to lose.
Do I put in the work, the time and the patience to see if things with "Frank" could develop in a way that might surprise us both? Or do I shut myself off because I think I'm going to end up letting myself get hurt?
Do I go to the Daytime Emmys and hope that it will be the push I need?... Or do I bow out because I'm afraid that it will be a wake up call that things aren't what they used to be?
Only a sampling of the choices I'm putting off making... teetering on the edge of giving things my all or giving up, because I'm afraid of failure and pain.
What's worth the risk of hurt and what are the things that just shouldn't be given up on just yet?...
The joy, the success, the love, the happiness... aren't these things worth the gamble?... Or am I lacking the resilliance I once had to endure dissapointment?... Could taking these chances and perhaps failing finally break that spirit that I try so hard to keep alive?...
Am I as strong as I once was?... As strong as I think I can be?... Or is it just a carefully crafted illusion that I create to convince myself I'm still that person?...
Life's all about taking chances, right?... And if the potential for something wonderful is really there... is it worth the potential pain it could bring?...
Am I as stong as I once was?... Am I as strong as I think I am capable of?... And I guess, the big question... am I as strong as I once was?... And if not, then can I be again?...
Sometimes in my blog, I tell stories. Sometimes, I give opinions. But every now and then, I am just full of questions ... question I guess only I can really answer.
"Frank" is asleep on the couch ... and I'm about to go wake him up, bring him into bed, and cuddle up for the night. An amazing feeling to be certain ... and maybe that should be my guide, not fear.
Maybe going to the Emmys and feeling a part of that world again WILL be the empowering and productive experience I hope it will be?... And isn't the good that could come out of that, worth far more then the rejection and displacement I might feel if it isn't the "night I hope it will be..."
Isn't sometimes that quarter you put in the slot machine and may never see again, worth just that small chance that you might hit a jackpot?...
Questions... Questions that I know the answer to I guess... but knowing the answer doesn't quell the fear ... It just gives you something to weight it against... And I guess only I can decide what gambles are worth it, and which are not....
In the meantime, I'm going to go cuddle... at least for tonight. Cause for tonight, I choose sweat dreams, happy thoughts and a good cuddler...
Tommorrow, I can think about the rest.
Goodnight all.
2:39 AM
Friday, May 07, 2004
I'm never drinking again as long as I live. And this time ... I MEAN IT!
Now anyone who knows me knows that's a fairly common utterance for me. After an evening of too much beer, perhaps some embarassing moments and a bitch of a hangover, I am usually heard repeating that mantra over and over and over the next day. Blah! That's all I'm sayin ... blah!
"Frank" and company picked me up yesterday to go off on an adventure in Old Orchard Beach. We ended up basically doing some yard work in exchange for some yummy homemade spaghetti. I'd started with the tequilla shots around 3 that afternoon as I was waiting for "Frank" and the girls to arrive to pick me up. I was in a great mood, and feeling quite "saucy" ... and of course, the tequilla made that even more pronounced. All day I found myself looking at "Frank" and just really admiring who he is... It's funny, cause one of the first things people generally notice about him is his striking physical attractiveness. But ... as I was standing there watching him rake dirt ... or talk to his friends... or any of the other silly things we did that afternoon, I realized that he could be short and fat... and I'd still be starting to like him more than I should right now.
Afterwards he and I headed back to my house, and I provided him with two firsts that evening. His first outing to a bar (I took him out to Somewhere Else for karaoke) ... and another first, which I'm not going to mention in such a public forum... but I think he enjoyed both ... lol... following the bar, we ended up talking...well my drunken ass rambled a lot... we smoked... we talked... I rambled some more... Said probably way too much... One of my biggest downfalls is that I'm a pretty open and honest person all of the time ... and when you add alcohol to that mix... dear God, it just goes from brain to mouth in no time at all...
It was a really great night... but I definitely realize now that it's time to realize that this boy isn't going to "someday end up being my boyfriend..." I've continued along with all of this, because although I know he wants to be single right now, a part of me hoped that as time goes on we'd get closer and maybe he'd change his mind about that ... somewhere down the line. I'm pretty convinced now that that's not going to happen ... at any point. And it's probably best for me to accept the hurt that comes along with that now... in lieu of what will surely be a deeper hurt later. He's been nothing but extremely honest with me from the beginning... and I have mad respect for him for that ... I'm just Kevin. I don't always listen ... I try ... but sometimes it just doesn't work out ... story of my life, huh? LOL - that's ok, I am a strong kid... what's that word that Kate uses? Resilliant?... That's me!
AND NOW ... FOR THE GREAT NEWS!... Next Saturday morning at 6am, I will be at JFK airport in NYC, where Jamie will be arriving for a 2 week visit! YAY!... The past few months have been rough ... working ... worrying about so many bills... trying to push away that lonely feeling that creeps in more times than I would like ... stress about things that are coming up ... stress about things that run through my head... I've missed my best friend a lot! It's the perfect time for a visit and it's great to have something great to look forward to ...
8 days and counting ...
11:35 PM
Thursday, May 06, 2004
What an interesting night last night was. I had to work and then afterwards, I decided that I was going to go out for a night on the town. Sing a little karaoke, drink a little beer... I hadn't done that much the past few weeks. For a few reasons. One, it was getting boring. Two, I hate going out alone. Three, I've been hanging out with "Frank" a lot, so I didn't really even miss it. This past weekend was awesome. We finally got to spend a decent amount of time together, just the two of us. We talked, drank, smoked, watched TV ... just normal stuff - nothing terribly exciting... but a really great weekend even so. It became clear to me that it was a bad idea to continue letting myself develop feelings, but I decided to enjoy the weekend anyway, and then after it was over, to try to put my guard up a little and keep myself from developing any pesky feelings.
So I go out last night, and I see a friend who I had met shortly after moving to portland, but who had just a few months ago moved to NY. He's back in Portland now and it was his first night out. I sung my song, and he came up to be my "scene partner" for my end schtick. That was cute. Then there is this boy who is always at the bar. He is absolutely beautiful and has the most amazing voice. I heard him sing Son Of A Preacher Man one night and almost orgasmed. Well we'd never talked before, but he came up to tell me I did a really good job on my song, and then proceeded to keep talking to me. Then word of an afterhours party started traveling around the bar, and he asked if I wanted to go with him. I almost said no, but at the last minute decided "What the fuck? Why not?"
So off we went... we talked in the car on the ride there and he was really sweet. When we got to the party, he sat outside in the car and sang to me for a little bit. It was really sweet. He moved in closer and a kiss was definitely almost about to happen. I pulled out a cigarette, lit it and said "We should get inside."
God, I'm a loser sometimes. It's always been this thing about me... this dorky quality I have. If I like someone, even if it doesn't look like it might work out or what not... while that's in my head, I don't have that much interest in other people. LAME! I know. I don't really know anyone else like that, and I've certainly never dated anyone like that ... lol - but regardless, it's this lame thing I have.
I'm probably going to go out again tommorrow night... I got invited to go out to Margaritas with friends and ended up waiting around for someone to call so I could drag them along. LOL - yeah, I'm a dork. I don't know... I guess I'd just gotten used to spending a lot of time with him ... it's weird, I haven't fallen for this guy hard or anything, but he's got this innate quality to just make me smile when he's around. Knowing he's coming over makes me all dumb and schoolgirly... And I always get excited when the caller ID shows his number as the one calling ... But... again, all these things come with a very simple explanation: I'm a dork!
12:06 AM
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