A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Another week gone by since I've written anything in here. This is in part because I've been quite busy, settling into the new place, working my ass off to get debts paid off and also due to my lack of internet connection at the new house so far.
Gay pride was this past weekend in Portland. I've never been that huge of a fan of gay pride events, because usually they promote porn stars, lots of sex and party! party! party! ... Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that I'm not a fan of some (if not all) of these things. The problem is that I don't feel that they define me as a "gay male" ... To be clear, I don't feel completely defined by any one label, "gay male" included. But certainly the things that gay pride events are usually all about, just aren't things that I want to be identified by, or that I am particularly proud of about most gay males.
All of that being said, I did feel like a loser for not being able to attend Saturday night's big pier dance and for sleeping too late for the parade and festival that happened during the day on Saturday. So, I decided to head over to the Roxy (the big club here in Portland) for the "afterhours gay pride party" ... I thought this would give me my little taste of gay pride, and I wouldn't feel completely left out of the festivities. Well, it certainly gave me my little taste. And a reminder why I didn't try harder to attend the other events.
I arrived at the club, and the first person I saw was Alonzo. I don't think I've written too much about Alonzo in here; mostly because he's not really worth the effort. But Alonzo was a kid who I hung out with for a while, slept with from time to time, partied with on several occasions and who lied to me more than the sum total of all of the things we did together. Not especially the best person I've met in Portland... but as he was the first person I saw, as I had arrived alone, and as I was not wanting to be completely anti-social; I did the "kiss kiss ... how are you baby?" thing with him and chatted for a few moments. He disappeared rather quickly to dance with some gay boy in a sailors costume. I scanned the club to quickly realize I was one of the few people who wasn't wearing some extraordinary costume. There was however one other boy who I did notice ... he had actually been sitting with Alonzo, but was now by himself. He looked kind of sad... something I guess because I identify with so well, I am always instantly drawn too. I sat down and started talking to him ... mostly making fun of the freaks and geeks who would pass by us. He was quite drunk (I actually, and unfortunately was not) but I still detected a brain in this kid. He was funny ... and even got most of my jokes that often go over the heads of most of the idiots I meet. (Can you tell I'm in a real 'I love people' mood today?) We introduce ourselves. His name was Jayson (he spelled it for me so I'd know the difference) and he began to tell me his story ... he and Alonzo had been dating for a while (I gathered this was the boyfriend Alonzo had when he and I had talked about fucking around one night, but never did) but that things didn't work out. However, they'd met up for gay pride and had spent most of the day together. Now he was upset because Alonzo's attentions were everwhere else but with him.
Now, as I know this punk-ass-little-bitch Alonzo, I knew that this was typical. I didn't think it was my place though to sit there and bad mouth Alonzo. It was bad form, and I was kind of finding myself interested in this boy. I didn't want to use my knowledge of Alonzo to try to divide and conquer, so to speak. So I just decided that I'd be myself, and see if he found me entertaining. Well he seemed to. We laughed... we chatted... we mocked others. Alonzo would pop by briefly and then disappear again.
As the evening was winding down we saw Alonzo rushing to give his number to someone. Jayson looked genuinely hurt and I felt genuinely bad for him ... Then he said: "I wish I had somewhere else to go tonight so I wouldn't have to leave with him."
I thought for a moment ... not wanting to come across like some animal who was about to pounce on his prey. I chose my words carefully: "I don't want to sleep with you, but I would like to hang out with you. If you want another place to go tonight, you have one." And I held out my hand. He thought for a moment, looked into my eyes like he was looking for some answer that I might have, and then took my hand, stood up and we bolted from the club.
Not 10 feet outside the front door, the predictable happened. Alonzo came rushing out calling "Jayson ... where are you going?"
Typical Alonzo. "Why would you be upset with me? I wasn't doing anything wrong?" LOL - truly perhaps one of the most self-involved, dishonest people that I know. But Jayson stopped and turned around. As soon as he did I knew that there wouldn't be much more to this story. He walked over to Alonzo and they started talking... "I love you." I heard Alonzo say. I almost wanted to vommit when I heard it. Truly, if you knew this boy you'd know he really only loves himself - and he doesn't even do that very well at all. I stood there for a moment, feeling like a fool. I knew Alonzo would think I was just trying to jump in and get some play. (SOOOO far from what I was doing) and I knew the kid was now more focused on Alonzo. I decided to bow out as graceful as was possible at this point. I walked over to them and said "I'm gonna let you guys talk ... I should get home."
Jayson didn't even turn to look at me. He didn't even say goodbye. Alonzo took his hand and walked him towards where their car was. No goodbye. No handshake. No last look. After sitting there consoling him, getting to know him, flirting with him ... I didn't even get an acknowledging look.
I tried to quickly recover myself, as I knew anyone watching would see me, this foolish boy standing there. I took my cell phone (which was out of minutes) out of my pocket and pretended to answer a fake phone call as I turned to walk away from the club.
"Oh hi!" I said enthusiastically into the dead cell phone. "Oh yeah, I'm just leaving the club! Sure I'll come over!"
I walked down the street towards my house, still pretending to talk on the cell phone. I was embarassed to be leaving the club alone. I was embarassed by the rejection I just experienced. I was embarassed by gay men in general.
As I walked home that night, I felt many things ... none of them were gay pride.
4:07 PM
Thursday, June 17, 2004
There's a story that I've been holding off on posting for quite some time now. Mostly because there was no sense in talking about it until the story had an ending. And today that story finally got it's ending.
In October and November of last year, I had met this local boy here in Portland and we ended up sleeping together twice. As a general rule, I'm not someone who practices unsafe sex, but for some reason with this boy I did. Twice.
Flash forward several months later and I hear through the rumormill that this boy is HIV-positive.
Fear. Anger. Confusion. Many different emotions.
I talk to him ... he confirms the rumor.
More fear. More anger. More confusion.
I call around and ask for places that do the rapid HIV testing ... places that can give you results within the hour. The last test I had was one of these, and I knew I couldn't wait two weeks for results. No one was able to be helpful in telling me where I could go to get such a test. Finally, an ad on Manhunt (of all places) alerts me to local Rapid HIV testing here in Portland... today was the first day of the free testing and I went.
I've had many HIV tests, but as someone who doesn't often put myself at risk, I'm not generally petrified about the results. Today I was ... today I sat there in a waiting room, trying to look casual while drinking a Sierra Mist ... knowing that if I had indeed contracted HIV that I would know it within the next 20 minutes and that life could change dramatically. And that it wouldn't ever be the same again.
Well as much as some days it truly seems that God, or fate or whomevever/whatever is responsible for my destiny seems to hate me ... today they liked me just a little bit.
Today I tested negative.
No window for error ... no fear of innaccuracy... I'm negative. And ya know... that's pretty fuckin positive! :) OK, so that perhaps might have been a tasteless pun.
It's a weight that I've had on my shoulders for a little while now ... and it's gone.
Now, certainly I've still got quite a few other ones that are looming over me right now. But HIV... that was the big one. The others are situations I can fix. They may take some time ... they may not be easy to fix... but they are fixable.
Life's going to get better... it's already starting to. I love my new house... I'm slowly adjusting and getting comfortable there ... but I think it's going to be a good thing for me. I think I'm back on track again ... the track needs a little repair along the way ... but I'm back on it... and that feels good.
3:18 PM
Sunday, June 13, 2004
Tonight is moving night. There may not be some posts on here for the next few days, while I establish internet service, and phone service and all that good stuff. If anyone needs to reach me, you can always email me at eclecticlibra@yahoo.com
Packing last night was sad. It was my last night in this apartment, I was packing alone ... I was sober. LOL ... But ... life changes. We move on ... All day, I've had this song stuck in my head that seems to sum up exactly how I'm feeling... Sad, scared, but optimistic. Always. I have to be. I've fought my way through a lot, and this moment in time, no matter how difficult it might be, pales in comparison to many other times.
Anyway, I wanted to share the lyrics to the song ... Like I said, it really sums up basically how I feel right now ... (And yeah, you can tell I'm a fag!)
Hey, maybe I'll dye my hair.
Maybe I'll move somewhere.
Maybe I'll get a car.
Maybe I'll drive so far they'll all lose track.
Me - I'll bounce right back.
Maybe I'll sleep real late.
Maybe I'll lose some weight.
Maybe I'll clear my junk.
Maybe I'll just get drunk on apple wine...
Me - I'll be just fine and dandy,
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas.
I'm barely gettin through tommorrow,
but still I won't let sorrow bring me way down.
I'll be fine and dandy.
Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas.
I'm barely gettin' through tommorrow,
but still I won't let sorrow bring me way down.
Hey, maybe I'll learn to sew.
Maybe I'll just lie low.
Maybe I'll hit the bars.
Maybe I'll count the stars until the dawn.
Me, I will go on.
Maybe I'll settle down.
Maybe I'll just leave town.
Maybe I'll just have fun.
Maybe I'll meet someone and make him mine.
Me - I'll be just fine and dandy.
Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas.
I'm barely gettin' through tommorrow,
but still I won't let sorrow bring me way down.
I'll be fine and dandy,
Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas.
I'm barely gettin' through tommorrow,
but still I won't let sorrow bring me way down.
Cause I'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
Oh, I'll be fine.
3:22 PM
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Life is so hard sometimes... so hard.
The next week is going to be pretty rough. I've got to move out of my apartment and into a new place. That's especially hard because this place has been my one constant for the past year. My safety. I resent Kate so much right now for taking that all away ... but I'm trying not to focus on the anger right now. There's a lot to be done.
It looks like I'm not going to be able to go on the vacation with Kristy... I'd wanted to so badly, but there's just too much to be done the next week or two. Too many financial burdens to meet... too many things that I need to do for the betterment of me ... Maybe a vacation will come later in the summer. Once things have settled down.
Not really a lot to report on the "boy" front... I've met two in the past few weeks... one of them already forgot who I was (that does wonders for a boy's self esteem) and the other one is a mess. A cute mess. A sweet mess. But a mess nonetheless. Of course, me being me ... I'm pursuing the mess... but we all know that will just end up leading to sad entries later.
I think about "Frank" a lot... I think at the time, as much as I cared for him, I th ought it was just a silly crush. In retrospect now... now that he's not really in my life anymore... now that I've had time to think and gain perspective... I think I have a better understanding. I really did like him. I cared about him even more than I thought I did... and deep down, I did think there was the potential for something there. I had a night at home alone last night, where I did a lot of thinking about a lot of things. And he was one of them. One of the coolest things about the time I spent with him was how well we worked together as a team ... he was always on top of my scatterbrained activities... always knew where my keys were, even when I didn't ... always knew what I'd forget before I actually forgot it... had patience with me... I think I was a good balance for him too ... maybe kept him grounded a little bit. As I mentioned before, he was one of those ridiculously attractive people... and certainly that was an early part of what I saw in him ... but quickly I started seeing so much more... I always tried (I don't know how successfully) to let him know that I thought he was so much more than just a pretty face... I don't think that he nescesarily didn't know that ... but I guess maybe I hope that even though it didn't work out, he knows he ended up really being much more than "the abercrombie boy I bagged..." He ended up being "that special boy from Saco who I really cared about" ...
...and who I miss ...
Anyway, enough about that... there's a lot to do over the next few days. It's rough, cause for the most part I have to do a lot of it alone. Jamie's in Arizona. Kate can jump off a bridge for all I care. Kristy's getting ready to go on vacation. So ... I guess it's just me for right now ... I just wish it didn't have to be so hard.
7:08 PM
Monday, June 07, 2004
It's been a while since I've written on here, and today was a relatively eventful day so I decided to take a few minutes and write about it.
First, as it turns out Jamie has decided to stay in Arizona and give it the old college try ... again. I guess all I can do at this point is be there for support... I hate seeing people in painful situations, but I suppose we all just have to make our own choices and see where they take us ...
OK, well the day started off right ... with a cute boy lying in bed next to me. LOL - I'm not really gonna write too much about this one yet, because there isn't really a lot to write. Met him online, hung out, smoked some pot, watched episodes of Family Guy I'd downloaded... didn't really get to know each other that much, but something did strike me about him. It was very comfortable to just be with him ... I'd like to spend more time getting to know him ... so we'll see about that.
I went in to work and it started off with a lecture from my french bastard of a boss Pascal. I'd forgotten to count down my drawer before leaving the other night, and he was sure to let me know that he saw the writeup and that I need to be more careful. (He said it in a much less pleasant way, but that was the jist.) I was in a bad mood about all of this for a few minutes, and then IT happened.... lol
At my work, one of the biggest things we're geared up for is our "mystery shoppers" ... people who come in and dine in our fine establishment and basically grade the food, atmosphere and service... A failure on these can lead to another lecture from Frenchy, while a 100% gives you something to shove in his face and say "There! Now shut up!" Thankfully, some of our mystery shoppers have been identified, and so we know to be on the lookout for them. This was the csse with the two who came in tonight, and had me as their waiter. The whole meal went very well. I didn't "over cater" to them, but was sure to hit all the points that I know they evaluate on. The management-on-duty did a great job helping me out, and I'll be surprised if I don't get a 100% ... and it couldn't come at a better time, with Frenchy already breathing down my neck.
Around the same time, I had a table of two ladies (around my age-ish) ...at the end of their meal I ran their credit card and took them the form to fill out. They started discussing (in front of me) what would be a suitable tip ... One of them smiled and said "We have to tip him well...he's cute." I blushed. "He is pretty cute," said the other one. I blushed some more and scurried away. When I returned to pick up their slip after they left, they had left me $10 on a $30 check ... lol - why is it that the girls always think I'm so cute, but the boys don't?... Ah well, ten bucks is ten bucks I suppose.
I've found a place that I'm going to be moving to ... it's a house, and my bedroom is huge. It's the old first floor parlor, so it's got a gas fireplace in the room, which is AWESOME ... I've started the process of packing things up and getting ready for the move... I've got one more week in the place I've called home for the past year. It's going to be strange to leave it...
In other developments, I've been invited to go on a vacation for two weeks with Kristy ... A road trip to Ohio, Kentucky and Tennessee... I'd be leaving next week, so it's rather short notice. It's mostly going to depend on how much money I make over the next week, but as of now it looks like I'm going to go. I'd be going with her and her son, and the trip will be filled with days sitting at the pool, camping trips, cookouts, picnics and getting to see a little bit beautiful country. I could use a nice wholesome break like that... So I've got a week to earn enough money to make it happen.
That's about it to report for now I guess... I think I'm going to take some Nyquil, find a movie to watch and call it an early night. I don't do that often enough ...
10:36 PM
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