A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Monday, December 30, 2002
I remember that almost every year since I was a young child, I used to get excited about Christmastime LONG before it actually arrived. Even in recent years, Christmas Eve has always remained my favorite night of the year. So much so in fact that I would generally start a few nights before calling it "Christmas Eve Eve Eve" ... and then the next night was "Christmas Eve Eve" ... and so on and so forth.
This year, it was much, much different.
It was the first year I spent Christmas away from my family - basically alone in Florida. Well, not alone - I had people with me ... but alone as compared to what Christmas usually is for me.
And of course, the rest of the day seemed to follow suit.
I had actually managed to get an invite to a friends Christmas dinner, but overslept and missed it. Adrian had stayed over Christmas Eve, and so when we finally woke up, the insanity began.
For several reasons, I'm not going to go into all the specifics in such a public forum (although who REALLY reads this page anyway!?... ;) But the highlights of the day included missing drugs, a few loud arguments, a missing and then later wrecked jeep grand cherokee, and not too much in the way of Christmas Cheer...
Tommorrow being New Years Eve, I'm not exactly sure what to expect. There aren't any great plans... Nothing special in mind... I'm going to spend it with Adrian, I assume - which will be nice ... I think that also means I'll be spending it with his irritating best friend as well - but I guess I can manage to grin and bear it.
I guess in two days - it's a clean slate... a New Year ... Time to start making some resolutions I guess...
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
7:14 PM
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Yet another exciting day in the life...
So I lost my wallet the day before Thanksgiving ... it was lost in my friend's car... and apparently, one of the people who found it, teamed up with my thieving ex-roommate Chad, and decided to open a bank account in my name and overdraw it to get some money.
Now that I've gotten the specifics from the bank, and from other sources - I have a pretty certain idea who is responsible. Even caught with fairly damning evidence, this person still refuses to admit it or return my wallet. I've offered to not press charges or file a police report if they are honest and want to work it out between us - but apparently honesty is a bit too difficult of a concept for these people to grasp.
The sad thing is, that this was done by a person (or perhaps persons) that I basically trusted. Yeah - that's my life.
On the "love and romance department" ... I've decided that maybe I should not close doors so readily. I really like this boy who I've been hanging out with ... (we'll call him "Nathan" as an alias) .. "Nathan" is very cool and we have a lot of fun together. I just for some reason didn't think it was going to work... Even though he really likes me. But I had a dream last night that prompted me to wonder...
I do like him a lot ... and yes, I'm still smarting from the Jonathan thing. A lot. But I think I've made the decision that this boy is worth investing some time in... Waiting to see what happens...all that stuff....
I still don't know what's going on for Christmas ... if anyone is spending it with me... if I'm going home ...if the family (any of them) is coming here...
UGH ... and only a week until my favorite night of the year: Christmas Eve. I wonder if it will even be a Merry one this year...
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
7:17 PM
Saturday, December 14, 2002
seem to be a cop magnet. I've managed to stay out of trouble, but it seems like just people being around me is enough to get them in trouble.
Adrian (the boy I've been hanging out with) and Holly, Jenna Katie and I decided to go out last night and paint the town red. Actually, it was more of a mauve color, but painting was definitely on our agenda.
But I digress...
So ... Adrian and I are in his car, with Holly and company following behind us. As we're about to get on the interstate, brilliant me decides he doesn't feel so good and has to puke, so we pull into an empty parking lot and I begin hurling on the ground. Well, being as though Florida is such a helpful state, a nice sherriff pulled up to make sure that we were "ok..." Well, it turns out we were ok, except for the warrants that were out for Adrian's arrest. (How cute, he never mentioned that to ME ... )
Well, Adrian ends up being carted off to jail, and we begin spending the night trying to find a way to get the poor boy out of jail. YIKES!
Well needless to say, we weren't able to (although the website says that he's out now - I just checked...so mom and dad must have gotten him). So, his jeep is now sitting at my house, waiting for him to show up to come get it. Holly had to drive it over here... Actually, we took a brief detour at the club first.
Now that's not as bad as it seems... We weren't just going out to party... I wanted to try to find a friend who I thought I could borrow bail money from to get Adrian out ... of course that never happened ... and then Katie (with her cell phone being the only way Adrian had to contact us) wound up disappearing with some scary boy.
YIKES ... is it possible to just have a boring Friday night in this dreadful town?
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
1:29 PM
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
Changes, changes, changes!
My apartment complex finally decided to move someone into one of the empty bedrooms in my apartment. He moved in yesterday.
He's a rather attractive straight boy named Frank, who, although a bit of a stoner, is quite a nice guy. A bunch of his friends came over to visit last night, and we all sat around and drank. It was a pretty fun night, and by the end of the night, my very good friend Missy had disappeared into his bedroom! SCANDALOUS! ;)
I've been hanging out with a pretty cool boy named Adrian. Missy likes him a lot ... and I think he's pretty cool. I guess I'm just still a bit apprensive, after things with Jonathan, and honestly don't really want to rush into something else, so I'm taking it really slow.
I guess also, truth be told, that I still miss Jonathan and care about him quite a bit. I think about him a lot, which I guess isn't very healthy, but I can't help it. I wonder if, whatever it is that he's doing, or whoever his new boyfriend is (I suspect he has one by now) if maybe he's thinking about me too?... If he misses me ... If he knows he left some of his clothes at my house! (HEY - I got SOMETHING out of the divorce!)
Still no word from any of the jobs that I applied for... I'm getting discouraged... I really don't WANT a job, but it would be a very good thing to have right now. I guess I kind of "need" one soon - I need to put less strain on my dad and the money that he has been giving me.
I miss Jamie too ... I think that' s my Christmas wish ... getting to see my best friend. Although, the idea of going to Maine certainly doesn't sound too appealing.
It would, however be nice to see some snow... It IS Christmas time after all! HO, HO, HO indeed!
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
10:35 PM
Friday, December 06, 2002
A friend of mine said something to me the other day. Sounds like the most simple piece of advice that you could imagine. Something only a moron would need to be told. Perhaps that's something I should think about ... anyway...
I said "Why does it hurt so much?" She looked at me, and as though she was uttering the most profound bit of gospel, she said "Honey, hurt hurts."
Yeah, I guess it does. Perhaps not exactly the Holy Grail of relationship advice or anything, but undeniably true. Yes, hurt hurts. Dear Abby perhaps might have dressed up the idea a bit more... used some fancier words, but my friend summed it up pretty well in those two little words.
I read over his email again the other day ...the one I posted on here... I don't know. I mean, It hurt to read it, but I guess it gave me some insight into what he was doing. Protecting himself. I guess he started to feel something, and it scared him ... He runs away from anything that gets puts him in emotional jeopardy. And he admitted to doing the guy from work, that he would come home and brag used to hit on him, but that he turned down with proclamations of "I'm so happy with my boyfriend..."
So yeah, men cheat. Men lie. Men have issues with their feelings. I guess they always will. Perhaps that's also a simple fact, that also sounds like the Holy Grail of relationship advice.
Perhaps if it were back in the day when I was surrounded by a close knit, tight group of friends then I would be taking this breakup a bit easier. I might not be whoring around to feel better, or getting drunk beyond belief and staying at home alone for days.
But all in all, I'm fairly lonely down here as it is. And to deal with this break up, with the other things that have happened within the past few months... to deal with that all alone ... it hurts. But hey - hurt hurts!
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
4:25 PM
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
Oh yeah - job interview at Old Navy today!... wish me luck!
10:17 AM
Well ... I'm not sure this makes things make any more sense, but for my friends who read this page, I figured I'd post the email that I received from Jonathan late last night. After you read it, you'll perhaps understand how today, I'm even more hurt and confused:
kevin
you seem very heart felt...and im drunk...ok here's the score....i dont know why but it seems to be an endless cycle....i like someone they like me and instantly fall in love with me....when i said i know i didn't mean for the next 20 years i meant i know that right now i should be with this person and they take it too far....noone knows that i just want a person to date and thats it date.
eveyone seems to get married too fast in hope of finding " that one person" and it scares me so i run...it took me 22 years to love my parents...how does it take 3 weeks to love someone else thats a complete stranger? thats why i ran and tried to hurt you....i do love you but your not the type of person i thought myself to be with.....im shallow...end of story i know
i do love you and miss sleeping next to you...and i wont lie i did fuck jerry a couple of times...but i have too many issues to burdin you right now and when i stop running ill breathe and find you gone and ill wish i never started this marathon in the first place
love always and merry xmas
jonathan
Yeah, Merry Christmas indeed.
10:16 AM
Monday, December 02, 2002
I'm reminded of this scenario that comes to my mind every time a relationship ends. I think about a dog ... my parents used to have this wild dog, who just ALWAYS misbehaved. And so my dad would always roll up a newspaper, and everytime the dog would misbehave my dad would hit him with the newspaper. Eventually, the dog learnred.
If every relationship you have has been bad... If every guy you've dated has lied to you, and cheated on you... If you have no reason to think that there is a guy out there who won't hurt you ... Then why do you keep trying? When do you get hit on the nose with the newspaper enough times, that finally you just say enough is enough?
As you may have guessed, my blissfully happy relationship has turned out to be the same mirage that they all turn out to be. I'm still not even sure what happened here. It was like a switch - one day things were fine ... he even used the "L" word. The next day he's telling me that it's over, he's with someone else and that I'm a loser.
I don't get it... Nothing about Jonathan seemed like other people. And certainly, I had no hint that he was thinking those kind of things. He seemed to care about me so much ... He was attentive, and caring, and it seemed like ... it seemed like he cared.
Is my judgement that bad? Have I really become so poor at reading people? Is it something about me that just seems to attract those who are prone to this kind of
behavior? Is it just that there aren't any decent people left? Hell, I'm not even just talking about relationships ... I seem to find the same things in friends a lot. Of course there are exceptions... But you know what they say about exceptions: they prove the rule.
I don't know where to go right now ... I feel lost... I feel alone... I need to change something. Maybe many somethings. Where do I start? I don't know anymore... I just don't know.
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
3:44 AM
Thursday, November 14, 2002
Lots to do today. Busy, busy day! But it's been a while since I've written in here, so I decided to take a few minutes and post my thoughts...
The past week has been pretty good to me. I'll start by talking about the boyfriend, as that seems to be one of the high points of the past few weeks.
Things are going really well ... fast, but for a change, not in a bad way. I've made room for some of his clothes in my closet, he's here almost every night, we've gone grocery shopping together ... I guess we're kind of playing house to see how it feels. And let me tell you, it feels really nice. Somehow from the very beginning we had a great connection ... I haven't felt this good about the beginning of a relationship in a really long time.
He said the sweetest thing to me, shortly after we started dating. You see, we met online ... and he came over to my apartment to hang out with me and some friends... so my first meeting with him was at the front gate, where I met him to let him in. He told me, a few days later, that as soon as I got into his car, he knew that we would end up dating.
OK ... how much did THAT make me melt?...
Normally, I spend the early stages of the relationship waiting for the other shoe to drop ... I'm not. Which of course, is dangerous ... but for a change, I don't feel like I need that "fear" as a safety net... Relationship bungee jumping! WOooooo hoo!
Tonight WOULD have been my opening night in "Jeffrey" ... so today, I'm thinking about that a bit. I'm out hitting the pavement, trying to find gainful employment. Time to start banking some money again ... not liking the poor lifestyle too much at all.
As a matter of fact, time for me to get in the shower, make myself look presentable and go fill out some applications ... SO ... more to come soon!
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
11:43 AM
Tuesday, November 05, 2002
Ok, I'm going to try to use a clever analogy to explain the way I'm feeling right now. I have the feeling it's going to end up coming out lame, but let's give it a shot anyway. For fun...
Have you ever seen a really cool pair of jeans at a store?... And you just had to have them. You take them home, you wear them and they don't look quite as good on you as you thought they would. They just don't fit quite right. Well then you wear them again, and they're kind of uncomfortable. You realize it's not because you got the wrong size, they're just cut differently than what you're used to. You don't want to take them back to the store, because you were really set on these jeans. In the store they looked so good. The picture you had of yourself in these jeans was great. But they just didn't quite turn out the way you wanted them too. Well, one day your best friend comes over and borrows the jeans. He calls you later on and says "Hey, dude - I'm really sorry. I lost your jeans." Well ... it sucks. You paid for those jeans. They were yours. But you're almost relieved, because now you know you won't be tempted to wear them out again. Someone else can have those jeans.
OK ... yeah, the analogy turned out just as bad as I thought it would. No, I'm not having boyfriend problems. Things with Jonathan are great actually. (Yes, that's his name - he doesn't know this little online journal exists, so I can talk about him freely for my dear friends who keep up with my life via this page.) No, no ... Not boyfriend problems. Something else. I was "let go" from the play "Jeffrey" that I was in rehearsals for. Sucks, huh? ... Yeah kind of. It sucks for many different reasons. But ... somehow ... for some reason, I feel relieved. It wasn't a good fit. The director and I both knew it. It wasn't working for either of us. A combination of factors probably working together to make those jeans "just not quite fit" ...
Never fear however ... the news came on a day when I was not already depressed about something. So to bounce back, I already have a few other outlets in mind to channel my creativity and try to be productive at the same time. I'm thinking about dusting off one of my old film or tv scripts that I wrote ... polishing it up, and maybe seeing if I can put together something while I'm here in Florida. Ya see, that end of the year time frame was based on me doing this play... so now ... now I have no time frame to work with. I have a boyfriend who I adore ... I have a lot of self doubt I need to examine before I can head back to New York ... lots of things to think about. But ... not a time for laziness. I've done that enough in the past few years ... One way or the other, I'm gonna do something creative and it's going to rock! Now if I can just figure out what that's going to be ...
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
2:52 PM
Friday, November 01, 2002
(originally written, but not posted on 10/31/02 at 6:04am)
Happy Halloween!
How appropriate that it's Halloween. The day that ghosts, goblins, witches and monsters come out and scare us all. And how ironic that what's scaring me is the potential for happiness.
I guess if I really think about it, it's not really happiness that scares me, but the gamble involved in getting it. It's possible ... just possible that maybe I've finally met the right person for me. He's laying in my bed sleeping as I write this entry and there's this voice inside of me telling me that perhaps maybe this time I've found someone who is what they seem to be. Someone who makes me smile ... Someone who looks back at me, with the same look in his eyes that I have. An understanding. A bond. A look that says - we might actually work.
Now, in typical Kevin fashion, I haven't known this boy very long. But yet somehow there's this strong feeling inside of me that says perhaps it's time to stop being scared. Maybe it's time to take another chance and trust again ... Of course that's not a decision I need to make lightly. Of course rushing into something is the surest way to get hurt .... But maybe.... Maybe I should actually listen to this feeling I have that says "HEY .. Take a chance here!"
He's funny, intelligent, witty, clever, intuitive ... drop dead gorgeous (Yeah, imagine that!) ... and he seems to dig me too! Wow ... almost too good to be true .. That's what the warning bells say. But the thing is, I don't think he's perfect. I know I have a lot to get to know about him ... I'm not planning the wedding ... I'm just enjoying this feeling. A feeling I haven't had in a long time... One I wasn't sure I'd have again.
The feeling that I've finally met somoene ... Someone who seems like they might be worth taking a chance on. Someone who gives me those goosebumps .... Someone who when I kiss, I feel this electricity with.
Yeah, I know ... Gotta be smart. But it's possible to be smart, and still take a chance ... isn't it?....
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
6:10 PM
Thursday, October 24, 2002
Well of all things, guess where I just returned from? That's right folks, you guessed it! The Big Apple! New York City! HOME! The one place that (usually) has the power to keep me sane and put a smile on my face for a while. Well here's a tip: never take a road trip to your favorite place with people who are going to spend a lot of time having drama!...That's ok though, even if it wasn't my most fun trip - it was still productive in many ways.
I got to see my best friend Jamie ... which I'll talk about first. Jamie has been my friend for quite a long time. There have been definite stretches in our friendship where we were very clearly "best friends." Then there are times when we fight, or we're seperated from distance, or there are other people in our lives we seem closer to. And during those times, sometimes I don't always refer to him as "my best friend." I think from this point on that changes though. Seeing Jamie for a few days, really made me realize that maybe that's part of being a best friend. Like anything else in life, there are ups and downs. There are times when communication is slow. But he's the one person who I know will always be there for me. The one person who I know would never hurt me in my life. One of the few people whose very presence makes me feel better and believe that things are going to be "ok" ... or at least that they will get better. Maybe it's a "Beaches" kind of thing we have going on. But seeing him, if only for a day or two, reaffirmed for me that I do have a best friend. His name is Jamie. And we'll always be there for each other. And the feeling that comes with that knowledge is priceless. (For everything else, there's mastercard! ;)
I also saw my ex boyfriend James while I was in NYC. Someone who I had been thinking a lot about lately. A relationship that I've always thought might be worth revisiting. Unfortunately, due to trip drama, and other unforseen circumstances, we didn't get to spend the quality time together that I had hoped.
My gameplan as of now, is to enjoy doing the stage-play "Jeffrey" here in Florida (see my site in a few days for ticket info - you all better come see it!) ... and then head back to NYC. The show closes right before Christmas. So I'm thinking that's three good times all at once. The end of the show. Christmastime (when I'd fly up North anyway). And the end of the year (basically). Maybe it's a good time to finally end my time in Florida and go back to where I know I need to be. Either way, it's something I plan to give a lot of thought to in the next few days ...
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
9:21 PM
Tuesday, September 24, 2002
It's amazing how sometimes the silliest things in life can make me feel all warm and fuzzy. A few weeks ago, sitting on my bed, a boy who I liked brushed his hand across my face, looked into my eyes and told me "You have such a beautiful forehead."
An odd compliment, most certainly - but it did the job. It was something about me that someone thought was special. And it's nice to know, that even if it's your forehead, that people find something pleasantly unique about you. Odd, but nice.
Just a few more days until my dreaded birthday. I'm one of those people who makes so much out of birthdays as it is. If my friends forget, or don't pay me enough attention then I feel unloved and lonely. If people give me lots of love, and make a big deal out of it, then my self esteem is set at least through Christmas. This year is different though. 26 is a strange age. I'm no longer early to mid-twenties. I'm now in my ... ...late twenties. That's a whole new box to check on "Age Range" applications. That's a whole new demographic in the Nielsen Ratings. (I suppose everything has to relate back to television for me at some point) That means I finally have to obey my own online rule, and change my screen name officially to something that doesn't contain the word "Boy..." Any claim I had left to the word "Boy" is gone ... (And I was kinda pushing it at 25)
This weekend holds something else of some excitement as well. Not only is it my birthday, but I am returning to my roots. I'm going on my first audition in almost 2 years. For a local production of "Jeffrey" here in Florida. I've sort of allowed it to be a "decision maker" of sorts for me. If I get the role, it keeps me in Florida at least till the end of the year. If I can't get a role in a local production of a gay play in Central Florida - then it's a sign that even I have to move hell and earth, I need to get back to New York City the following day, re-enroll in acting classes and do everything I can to avoid shooting myself. LOL... More on this topic later!
As I have no exciting plans for the next few days, I expect I'll be posting more on here before the big birthday... but on the off chance that any of my friends are reading this, IT'S FRIDAY, AND YOU'D BETTER REMEMBER!!!! :)
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
8:13 AM
Thursday, September 12, 2002
I hurt right now. I hurt so much that I just don't know how to describe it anymore. I know that there are many other people who have a lot more challenges than I do ... but right now - I just feel like I just don't think I can handle much more. Over the course of the past few months, I've dealt with my biological father killing himself, a cancer scare, the death of a close friend, 3 of my close friends down here moving away, courtroom drama, the memories of September 11'th, and most recently the discovery that someone who was a big part of my life for a long time, is HIV positive.
Add to this the intense loneliness that I feel most of the time, and the realization that there just might not be anyone out there who is exactly what I'm looking for ... and sometimes the feeling of despair is almost intolerable.
I tell myself, because I'm a relatively intelligent individual, that I've bounced back from depression before. That I know that if I hold on long enough there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I tell myself that people out there care. I tell myself that soon my life will start heading back in the direction that I want it to. I tell myself that this feeling won't last forever. But lately ... more so than ever ... everytime I start to see a glimmer of hope - some other bombshell hits.
There's a boy, who I've just started talking to. Someone who is actually a really extraordinary individual. Something I could tell almost right off the bat. And in a drunken stupor this morning, I basically told him that I didn't think I had it in me to start something again. It makes me sad, but I know myself. I know my life. I know people. I know the eventually, I'll end up back in the same place I've been so many times. And the thing is, this time I just don't know if I can deal with one more blow.
Of course I'm making many assumptions there. That something would even progress that far in the first place. And that if it did, it would end the way most of my relationships do. Cheating. Dishonesty. Heartbreak. BLAH! I'm like a walking billboard for "BLAH!"
I want to crawl under the covers and just escape for a while. For a really long while. I want so badly to just hide under the covers and be alone. NO! Strike that! I guess what I really want is for someone to crawl under the covers with me and keep me safe. I just know better than to believe in that.
BLAH!
Be well and be fun... or at least just BE!
4:17 PM
Wednesday, September 11, 2002
I sometimes feel a bit lost amongst my own generation. Or perhaps it's just amongst my circle of friends. Or more specifically the circle of friends I have here in Florida. Today means something to me. For many reasons and on many levels. Even had I not known anyone, or known people who knew anyone who was in the World Trade Center, I would still take it personally. Perhaps because I feel so personally connected to New York City, because it's the only place I have ever felt truly at home. I've spoken to my friends who are celebrating a year of having lost someone. I watch news features on TV that chronicle the lives of people whose lives were affected directly by that day ... and I cry. I just keep crying. For people I knew. For people who I loved. For people I've never even met before.
I look at the people around me, and they seem unconcerned. Where I was glued to the footage and memorials captured on television, my friends sat in the living room and watched "To Wong Foo..." I feel as though not only do they seem more or less unaffected, but they don't seem to even notice that I am affected by the day. Those who know me, and know that New York City was my home, where many friends and family lived haven't even managed to put together the pieces that perhaps the reason why I am so down today, and have been for the past few days is because of September 11'th. I can only think of one person who has actually asked, and it was after he put his foot in his mouth, and I sort of pointed it out to him.
But, to be certain, this isn't a day for me to feel sorry for myself or for me to need sympathy and attention. It's a day to think of those who are lost. It's a day to think of what was taken from us a year ago. And to think about what we, not just as a country, but individuals want to take BACK.
Peter and Gina and Mark, know that wherever you are I'm thinking of you today. Tommy, my thoughts and love are with you and your family. Marcia, you know I've always loved you and I'm thinking of you today too. Tom and Deidre, you know that wherever Jason is now he's a hero.
Never in my lifetime has one day left behind so many losses, but made so many heroes.
God bless you all!
8:09 PM
Thursday, September 05, 2002
Today is such a mixture of feelings. The mood I am in today, makes me think that perhaps no matter how much one has, one always wants more.
The thing I have been waiting for, for months finally happened today. I no longer have any obligation to stay in the state of Florida. They are officially "done with me" and I am free to go wherever I want. Back to New York City, if I can make it happen.
It's funny, because as ready as I have been to leave this state - I find myself slightly apprehensive now that I finally can. It's still what I want, I guess I just thought it would be a bit easier. In all likelihood, it won't be an immediate future thing. It's going to take time to get the money together, and secure everything up there, so I have something to go back to. But the possibility is finally there. The door is open and all I have to do is walk through it.
I find myself a bit down in the "love and relationships" department. Gee, that's something new. Me down in that area?... Things with "the boy" seem to have come to a stand still. I think we'll end up being friends, but regrettably, I think somehow I made a mistake during the "open window" that was there for more. Sometimes that happens, and you realize that there was a very small window of opportunity to say or do the right thing, and somehow you messed it up and now things are on a completely different path. It's odd, because when I really think about it - I don't know how "matched for a relationship" we would have been anyway. But there was something about him that made me want to at least investigate the possibility.
It seems as though whenever I do take an interest in someone, that I hear the same thing. "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now." And I can make you a bet, right here, right now dear readers. "The Boy" will follow the same pattern as everyone else. This week, when I'm the one who's interested, he "doesn't want a relationship" ... but next week, he'll be dating a dumber, but perhaps slightly cuter boy and be quite content in the wonderful new relationship. I've, unfortunately, been there way too many times.
This all brings me to the sad, but inevitable conclusion that boys do want relationships. They just don't want them with me.
Maybe one day, I'll learn why...
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
4:15 PM
Tuesday, September 03, 2002
The weekend is over. Thank goodness. I'm ready for a productive week and hopefully I'll get a lot of the things on my "to do list" done this week.
I saw something this weekend that seems to be a rare sight here in Florida. I saw a gay boy who is head over heels in love - with what he does for a living.
I had a chance to visit a new friend of mine, at the radio station he works for. After 30 minutes of watching him push buttons, fade switches, play songs and answer phone calls, I started to remember how I used to be about my career. When there was something that I loved to do so much that it gave me that same look of passion in my eyes that I saw in his. It was just a very cool thing to witness, and a very attractive quality in an individual.
Things with "the boy" took a bad turn this weekend. He's not talking to me, and I'm not sure why. I'm kind of at a crossroads. I REALLY like him. But I'm not going to play games like this. I've tried to talk to him to straighten out whatever is wrong, and he's avoided me. There's only so much of that I'm willing to take. No matter how much I might like him, I deserve a little better than to just be ignored.
Well, time to go be productive...
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
2:26 PM
Monday, August 26, 2002
For a change - I finally feel ... what's the word? Hold on - I know it's coming. Optimistic?
It's been a great first week in my new place. I feel like I'm finally in a better environment.
I met the coolest girl who lives upstairs. A funky little chick named Jeannie, who I instantly bonded with and have been spending lots of time with lately. I like my new apartment, and feel like perhaps whatever time I still spend in Florida, might just bemore tolerable.
Tommorrow morning I have an interview for a job, which I am excited about. Jeannie helped me get the interview, so she's also being a good influence.
As for things with "the boy" ... I don't really know what to think anymore. Part of me is ready to give up, but then sometimes he does things that make me think he actually does like me. His friend Jenniffer drove up from Gainesville this weekend, and I spent the afternoon with the two of them. She was totally awesome, and I think she liked me, so maybe she'll put in a good word. LOL I really like him, and I think there might be some potential there... but he's just so hard to read and I don't know how interested he is. And the worst thing is to put yourself out there for a boy, and then find out he doesn't like you.
I guess we'll see how it plays out.
They say that nothing worth having is easily attained. Then again, I never really liked that expression. BLAH!
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
2:54 AM
Wednesday, August 21, 2002
I have a new home! Yay!
In a last minute decision to avoid homelessness, I decided to take a new apartment. It's the same kind of place I was living in before, and right around the corner. They placed me in an apartment with two other guys. As of this writing, I have only met one. A straight guy named Chad. He seems cool enough, and he informed me that our other roommate is a gay guy named Cole. Woo-hoo! I lucked out - they put me in with a fag! Hehehehehe....
I also now live in the same complex as Missy and Robin - so hopefully I'll get to see more of them ... and go to more straight parties... Somehow, I think I'll like them more than they gay parties! LOL
As for the "boy" ... I still like him ... I saw him again last night, and I can't tell what he thinks about me. There are times when I think there is some chemistry there... but then he does things that throw me.
I don't know if liking him is a good idea, but I definitely think I do like him. He's got a lot of qualities that you don't seem to find in many of the gay boys here in Florida. I'm so over most of them, I don't even have fun when I go out anymore. Blah! But ... I guess we'll see what happens with the boy...
Isn't life a crazy ironic mess sometimes? Or is it just MY life?...
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
5:32 PM
Monday, August 19, 2002
Sometimes I wonder how much longer till something finally goes my way. I don't say that to sound like I'm pitying myself... I have many things that a lot of people don't. But there's so much missing in my life. My lack of quality friends here in Florida becomes more apparent every day. Tonight is the last night I will spend in my apartment, because after today, it won't be mine anymore. I don't seem to be able to find work down here. And as for romance... any time I see a glimmer of possibility, I turn out to be wrong.
I find myself in a catch 22. I was explaining to someone the other night, that it's not interesting to me to have sex with someone who I don't like in some way. And that's true. If I don't have some kind of interest in the person, intellectually, or personality wise, or some kind of connection, I find it pointless to sleep with them. The problem is, that if I sleep with someone, who does have qualities that I like, then I begin to like them.
As is the current situation in my life. I like him. And of course, I was stupid and fooled around with him. I knew as I was doing it, that the potential was there for me to start liking him. It's not like it's out of control, and I'm not head over heels or anything. I just find myself really liking him. Wanting to get to know him better. But he talks openly to me about other guys he is interested in, so I don't think the interest is returned. I know there are a few things that bother him about me ... but beyond that, I don't know if he has any interest in me at all.
Loneliness is a shitty,shitty feeling. There just isn't anything here for me. Every day is kind of a battle to find something to make the next day worthwhile... just trying to kill time till I can hopefully leave this state. Right now, there just isn't anything to keep me here.
I really need to cheer up.
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
6:30 PM
Sunday, August 18, 2002
WHOA! That seems to be the only word that works right now. You know how sometimes, it just seems like your life is being scripted by the Head Writer at Days Of Our Lives?... Well mine seems to have a habit of taking turns that would make even the wriiters at Passions say "Wow, that's just crazy!"
But irony, I mean TRUE irony is when you have the same insane plotline happen twice in your life. Even though very few people read this website, in the interest of discretion, I'm going to tell a story that happened 2 years ago ...
I was dating a boy named Jeremy. We had met a few weeks before the big Millenium New Years Eve, which we ended up spending together. After a month, he had moved into my apartment and things were going pretty well. Pretty well, that is, until (through a series of odd coincidences) I discovered that he had been talking to his ex boyfriend Ed, and that he was begging Ed to take him back, even though he was with me.
I gave Jeremy his moving notice, told him I would try to give him time, but that he had to be understanding of my feelings. Having never met this Ed person before, I didn't really have any negative feelings towards him. Well, one night as I'm sitting at home, memorizing lines for work the next day, my phone rings. A voice asks for Jeremy and after a moment of hesitation, he reveals himself to be the infamous Ed, calling from Pennsylvania. Jeremy, had just left to go meet someone from online for "coffee" (yeah, right!) and so I was in a shitty mood and decided that maybe Ed and I should have a conversation. 5 minutes turned into 3 1/2 hours of conversation, at the end of which, Ed left Pennsylvania, to head to my apartment in New York City. Well that night, Ed and I talked and talked... and kissed and kissed... and well, you can use your imagination. The next morning, I woke up with the realization that not only had I slept with my ex's ex ... but that I might possibly have feelings for him.
There is an ending to this story, and needless to say, it wasn't a particularly happy one. It's just one of those odd situations that you think only happens on television. That if it did ever happen in your life, it certainly couldn't happen more than once. Yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you?...
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
6:49 PM
Wednesday, August 14, 2002
Well... kind of a big milestone last night. I saw "him" for the first time in a few months. The reason for his visit was something ironic, but not something I'm going to go into on here. Let's just say it involved a bit of hypocrisy, but I guess we're all guilty of that from time to time.
We spent about two hours together, mostly running around looking for someone. But I noticed the dynamic between us was, of course, completely different. I'm not sure what I expected. I was always so comfortable around him, I guess I expected that even with all that had happened, we would still have that comfort level. There were oments of it ... glimmers of it ... but in general, it was absent.
It was good to see him again, and I'm not sure if perhaps it will be the beginning of a possible friendship again, or just a moment born out of convenience.
Either way, it was nice to see him, and nice to see that my reaction to him was completely different than what I thought it would be. I remembered all of the good times, I remembered what I liked about him, but I felt detatched in an odd sort of way. I think that was partly due to the fact that he didn't once ask about the tough things I've dealt with in the past few months, or the fact that he didn't really seem to care how I was. I might have misinterpreted this - but it's definitely what I picked up on. All in all though, I'd say it was a somewhat positive experience. And if we do wind up spending any more time together, maybe things will change... Maybe it was a one-time experience... maybe it's a beginning. Only time will tell...
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
10:40 PM
Wednesday, August 07, 2002
It's been an eventful day already, and it's only noon...I had court this morning. Something I've been anticipating, and thinking that perhaps might give me a more definitive time of when I can leave this wretched state. Well, in order to have a little more time to put up a good fight, my lawyer asked for a continuance. I go back on September 5'th, so I'm a Floridian at least for another month.
Apparently, I'm not the only one who has a desire to leave Florida. The difference is, this morning two people I know actually did. Robbie and Tara. Robbie has been a good friend to me for just about a year now. Sometimes a closer friend then others, but someone whose friendship involved more than just partying, although we certainly did do our share of that together too. Tara has changed a lot since I met her, and not really for the better. She's backstabbed me a few times, and I've learned to keep her at a distance, but I found myself wishing the best for her and hoping she'll find a new life in Wisconsin, where they headed, after making me their final goodbye stop. As I stood in the parking lot watching them drive off, and head for better things, it occurred to me that I want to be in a car, heading out of this state. Of course Wisconsin isn't the destination I have in mind, but leaving Florida in order to move forward with my life, is the goal. I look at some of the few people who I feel have actually been real friends to me in this state, and a large percentage of them have moved on.
Jamie being one of them ... my best friend for quite a while, sent me an email today to let me know he's been thinking of me and that he's been reading my "ramblings" on here (Thanks, J - I think you're the only one who does...) It makes me sad that we've grown apart a bit ... I think due in part to many different reasons. I feel alone much of the time, and a little thing like a nice email to show support really meant a lot ... I know better times are possible for me - I just need to find a way to keep fighting for them. I've always been able to pick up and rebuild after losses, and I guess I will again. It just gets a little harder each time... and sometimes I wonder if "fight" is something I have in unlimited supply, or if it's depleting. I guess as "natural resources" go, it's not a bad one to tap into - so I keep digging to find some more. My friends tell me I'll find it, so I guess I'm going to take their word for it.
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
12:53 PM
(this post actually written on August 2'nd, but not copied to this page till August 7th.)
Another month ... the last of the summer.
I've been way too depressed lately. I need to find something to give me some kind of purpose... I'm stuck in a non-productive rut, with nothing but time to think and unfortunately not much good to think about.
It seems almost daily that I cut more people out of my life. It leaves me more and more alone, but the truth is I'd rather be alone then have people around me who treat me badly.
I miss soooo much my wonderful friends back up north. Kristina my NY redhead. Ben, the coolest gay boy friend a guy could ask for. Jenny-Penny, my diva from PA. James, my little raver boy ex who is just too adorable. Scott, another ex - but a true male diva ... Tom, the soap writer with the drama free life. Catherine, who I still watch on TV - but miss her dinner parties.
The list goes on and on ... and down here in Florida, I think I could write the list on a gum wrapper.
I keep sane by telling myself "Hopefully not much longer..." Well, by next week - I should have a clearer picture of if that's realistic or not... Hopefully, I'll be spending my next birthday, back home in the Big Apple ...
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
12:31 PM
Wednesday, July 31, 2002
Ok, I have a confession. I’ve been thinking about my ex. A lot. Well,more than I should be at least. I think that thinking about him at all is probably too much, and there are many reasons for that. I’ve moved past the “hating him” phase… which I’ve finally figured out (and most of you will just give a big DUH to this one) is a necessary phase, because it makes the seperation easier, at least for a time. Then once the anger passes, however, you’re left remembering the reasons that you loved them. You’re left thinking about their smell on your pillow, or their grumpy morning face, or the way they had to have Ranch dressing on their Caesar Salad… (for the record, that was NOT one of his random quirks, it just sounded cute) And I’ve had these thoughts a lot lately… The thought of emailing him has occurred to me, but I realize that it would serve no purpose. But there are things I just feel that I want to say. So, in the interest of maintaining some sanity – I’ve decided to write a letter to him here. Being as though HE never reads this, I know it’s safe from his eyes. I’m not actually sure that there ARE many people who DO read this – so it may not actually be seen by anyone but myself, so… here goes:
Cameron … I’ve found myself in a place where I just don’t feel angry anymore. I guess maybe we both had reasons to be angry. Although neither of us seem to really acknowledge the others reasons, because I think we feel they would invalidate our own. I think it all ended up just being a circle where one of us would hurt the other and then we would trade off … and eventually, I guess we finally reached the point of no return. But as I think about you now… and I find myself doing so more and more … I realize how much I loved you. I guess how much I still do. I’m not sure I ever realized how much I loved you while we were dating … perhaps because on some level I knew that your love for me wasn’t as strong. How could it be? You still loved Stephen. I don’t say that with any anger or sarcasm. It’s just a fact. But so much reminds me of you now…silly little things, but things that you liked. I actually find myself watching The View more … and Trading Spaces (thank GOD you’ll never read this and know that) … Now, no matter how much you loved her, I still have no affections whatsoever for Martha, but I must admit, when I see a commercial for her show, yeah, I picture you watching, just praying you could make a bundt cake that she would be proud of. A friend of mine and I got together for a movie night recently, and I was almost brought to tears when she showed up at my house with hummus and pita bread. I saw an interview with Isaach in a magazine, and I thought “I should cut this out for Cam…Oh wait, no I guess not.”
I think about you sometimes as I fall asleep. I think about how you came to visit me when I was in jail. How knowing that you would be on the other side of that glass at 7am would help me get to sleep. I think about you and I in New York (the first time) sitting in the back of Barracuda with Ben and company and bullshitting about what a cunt Betty White was. Or dancing with Kristina at Limelight. Or spending the night in a scary motel. Or doing laundry at Lucy Laundry. I watched the Season Premiere of Sex and the City and wondered if you were watching it too. I watched a movie about a gay jewish man during the holocaust, and it was such an amazing movie and I sat there the whole time wishing you were watching it with me, because I knew you would have loved it. I sometimes lie in bed, and remember exactly how it felt to hold you. How you would refuse to go to bed unless I would as well. How I wasn’t allowed to stay up and watch TV. When you said it was bedtime, it was bedtime. And how I would fight you, most of the time out of principal. I guess you don’t appreciate everything till you don’t have it anymore.
Oh, and those nights when I’m flipping through channels at 3am and come to Judge Milian (aka/Peoples Court) … OH FUGGET ABOUT IT … ;) I’m usually reduced to a puddle.
What’s the point of all this rambling? The point is that when I think about you – and I do … a lot … that these are the things that come to my mind. That all of the hurt, although not something that I still think is ok (but I guess we both did our share) isn’t what comes to my mind when I think about you. It isn’t what defines “us” to me. Or “you” to me. It isn’t what I miss.
I know I wasn’t the great love of your life. I guess you weren’t mine either – although at this point in my life, I can honestly say you were one of the people I’ve loved the most. But I read the letter you wrote me once. The one that was SUPPOSED to be goodbye. I wish I had let us go then. Because in that letter, at that time, you said that you would still look back on the time we spent together fondly. That you had good memories… and I guess because of how things eventually did end, you may not feel that way at all anymore. And that’s a shame. Well I still DO look back on the good things. Because there were so many. You gave me so much, in so many different way. I learned a lot from you, and although you might not think so, I DID grow as a person, and I think I will continue to grow because of experiences I have had with you.
It hurts a little bit every day to think about you and the fact that I probably won’t ever see you again. Even less likely that we’ll ever have a real conversation again. Next to impossible that we’ll ever be close again. And clearly, that we won’t be “together” again. All of those realizations hurt. But even with that hurt, I still wouldn’t trade one minute of knowing you, dating you or loving you. You’re an amazing person, who just like the rest of us, has some shit to work through. But you’re more than capable of doing that, and I hope you surround yourself with the people who can help you do that. And that you let them. I love you Cameron. Be good to you.
Kevin
8:20 PM
Tuesday, July 30, 2002
I think I've finally reached the point where enough is enough. It's definitely time for a change. The problem is: I'm in a holding pattern and I don't know what kind of change I can make right now that's going to be a positive one. I mean, a few things are simple. There are some people who have just worn out their welcome in my life. Someone pointed out to me this weekend, that I have myself surrounded by some people who just don't need to be there. Ironically, Cameron used to point out the same thing to me. It's not that I ever disagreed with him, and to a point - I changed quite a bit of that. But it's part of who I am that I believe in the best in people. I like to think that people can, and sometimes DO change. The problem is, that doesn't hold true for most of the people who I meet.
With everything that has happened with me during the past few weeks: health scares, the loss of a biological parent, trying to make decisions about the future ... I've been looking for some kind of anchor. Something to bring some happiness to my life. Or purpose. I'm not really sure exactly what it is that I'm searching for ... or if I'll even find it, but I know that my life right now just isn't even close to what I want.
The obvious thing that I want is to go back to New York. I want it so much, and I should know within the next few weeks whether or not that will be possible, at least logistically. Then I need to figure out how to make it work financially. I think about my time down here in Florida, and although much of it was shit, and in so many ways I'm READY to go back to New York, I think there are definitely things I will take with me from my time down here that will affect my future in some positive ways. The trick is getting out of here, while I'm still able to hold on to that. I want to get back to the people who mean the most to me in my life. I want to get back to a place where I feel alive. I want to get back to where I am doing something with my life again. I want to get back to where things aren't hopeless.... Yeah, in short - I want to get back to New York!
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
11:02 AM
Wednesday, July 24, 2002
It seems that when it rains it pours. No, I'm not talking about the lovely Florida weather. I'm talking about the wonderful news I received on my voice mail yesterday.
In case you're reading this and don't know - I'm adopted. I met both of my biological parents when I was 18 - and they're not bad people. My biological father and I never really took to each other - and my biological mother and I have a relationship, although it's not a close one. Well she called me yesterday, and left me a message to let me know that at 9 o'clock yesterday morning, my biological father shot and killed himself. Ouch, huh?...
I guess what's tearing me up the most is that I'm not really sure HOW to feel about it. Of course I'm sad ... of course, it's shocking... of course, I feel horrible for my sisters. Particularly my older one, who apparently was asked to come identify the body. But beyond that I feel numb about it. I'm not sure if I should be waiting for some big wave of emotion to hit - or if one is actually even coming. The scariest thought, I think, is a selfish one. I think about how depressed I get sometimes...how sometimes I feel as though things just won't get better. I wonder if that's how he felt. I would assume so. I wonder if perhaps, this man I never really took that much time and effort to get to know, felt the same way that I do so often. And I wonder if that means it's only a matter of time till I sink down the level of depression that he did. And then what?... How much like him am I? ...
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
7:01 PM
Thursday, July 18, 2002
The past few days have been kinda uneventful. I've gotten done a lot of writing. I've cleaned up the house. I've watched a lot of movies. (pay per view IS my friend... lol) I haven't gone out much. I haven't been a bad boy! I'm so proud of myself...Of course the weekend is coming up - so I might let myself cut loose just a little bit.
I had a dream last night about the boy I have a crush on. Now I know I have crushes ALL the time, but I don't usually dream about them. It wasn't a sex dream... I don't really even remember all the details... just him... I think he was singing to me. OK, maybe it has something to do with the fact that I fell asleep listening to his CD. LOL, ok - I'm a dork!
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
3:49 PM
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
Yet another interesting weekend in my crazy life. A bit of a low key weekend although it was definitely filled with a bit of craziness. I spend most of the time during the week now, not going anywhere or leaving my house. So I let myself cut loose a little bit on the weekends, but definitely not like the old days.
Friday morning I got woken up by a friend at my door, at 7am, who I hadn't seen in months - and I didn't manage to get back to sleep till Sunday afternoon.
Friday night, I had some friends over for dinner, and some beers and we all hung out till around 3am. Then we decided to take a look around for an afterhours party, which when we finally found turned out to be lame, and we just locked ourselves in a room, and had an awesome conversation with just the 3 of us. Much better than the boring usual afterhours crap!
Saturday night, about five of my friends came over ... and we cooked up a batch of "special juice" made with "special mushrooms" - a taste treat that I had never experienced before. Now first, let me tell you - I'm sure Martha Stewart has a recipe that would make this crap taste better, but my friends did NOT. Their solution was to put in enough kool-aid and sugar to rot my teeth for the next year- and my teeth aren't in great shape as it is. LOL ... but it was quite an experience. The mental state is similar to being drunk, only you have more control over yourself. I was very giggly, and happy... and my friend Missy and I just thought EVERYTHING was funny. LOL. The visual effects were really interesting as well. A lot of color changes and lighting stuff. It was really nifty. My friends who were with me, seemed to think a lot - to just ponder life and what its all about - strangely, with everything that has been happening with me lately, I didn't manage to fall into that mindset. Perhaps because I was determined to have a good weekend, and not think about unhappy things. I must say, it was nice to spend a weekend with friends, have some good times - and see some pretty colors...all without entering a club or being around a million fags I don't like anyway.
Be well and be fun! Or at least just BE!
6:00 PM
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