A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Wednesday, December 31, 2003
I'm sitting here, collecting myself beforing venturing out for New Year's Eve. I'm trying to bring myself out of the bad mood that I'm currently in, because I'm determined to enjoy this New Year's Eve, as things are so much better this year ... and I feel I have a lot to celebrate and a lot to look forward to in the coming year.
That said; I'm kind of in a shitty mood. CK (the trick turned friend) and I finally spoke today ... I had just naturally assumed, since we had become pretty close, that he'd be a part of our New Years Eve thing ... (The plan is dinner and drinks at Margarita's, followed by bar hopping, etc.) Well, as it turns out he has other plans that don't include me ... but we might see each other out. Ironically, it's another trick that's turned into a friend ... and I guess that one warrants more than a "I'm sure I'll see you out somewhere..." Well, I feel fucking special.
Al, the amazing boy who I met in PA, who lives in GA and I have been talking every night ... he's scared... and he's a million miles away ... and I don't know where to go with that. He's a great person, and I'd love so much to be able to really spend time getting to know him ... that's just a very hard thing to do with so much distance... especially when he seems to be afraid to do that ... He was weird on the phone last night, which left me thinking all day ... Blah! I hate thinking!
Jamie leaves in a week to go back to Arizona ... I knew that it was coming ... just hadn't really thought about it ... and now the time is almost here... Then I'm alone again. Kate and I have been fighting a lot ... the people who I feel like I'm getting close to, don't seem to share the same sentiment... the loneliness sometimes is palpable. The feeling of "Why am I not good enough?..." is so overwhelming sometimes... I'm tired of seeing people out there with the most shallow, self-absorbed friends who they'll do anything for .. yet I have no one (save Jamie) that I'm truly close with. I'm sick of hearing people say "It's not you, I just don't want to date anyone..." only for them to turn around and be interested in dating someone else. How does one not take that personally?... How does one tell themself that it isn't them?...
One doesn't. One just sits back, hurts a little on the inside, keeps a tough bitchy exterior and thinks "maybe someday..."
Anyway ... but it IS New Years Eve ... and in reflection I wanted to look back on last years New Years Resolutions (from right here in my blog) and see how many I've accomplished.
1.) Get back to NYC in 2003.
Well, I'm geographically closer...and have spent more time this year than last...
2.) Start trusting the right people, and cutting loose the wrong ones.
I've managed to cut loose the dead weight ... now it's just about finding the right people ...
3.) Reconnect with people who have been absent from the picture for too long. (Jamie, Kristina, Ben, Robyn, Tonya, Scott ... there's quite a list.)
Well that's something I've done ... and am continuing to do more of ... Happy about that.
4.) Get rid of those pesky few pounds that just don't make the clothes look that just don't make the clothes look their best.
I lost ... I gained... I lost ... I gained... This will be a resolution again this year.
5.). A winter jacket that ISN'T made out of denim!
Got 3 of them ... YAY ME!
6.) Write a letter to Aaron Sorkin asking him when the "West Wing" is going to start being great again.
The West Wing got better without my letters... GO AARON SORKIN!
7.) Revisit 87'th & Broadway ... meaning re-writes, re-thinking and perhaps making it a REality!
Yeah, I really need to get on that ...
8.) Have a relationship with the right person, for the right reasons, the right way! (Is this possible... maybe this is the year to find out)
This one seems impossible at times... most times.
9.) Get back my financial independence! (Mom and Dad would be so thrilled)
DONE!! Accomplished! GO ME!!! YAY! ;)
10.) Update my damn webpage a little more often for my few friends who read it! ;)
OK, that one I've definitely been getting better at ... ;)
So tommorrow, I'll post my 2004 resolutions... I think, all in all, I did pretty well with this years ... I'm a far happier person than I was last year... and even in my glum state, I realize that my life is signifigantly better... and that the next year should be an even better one ... the fates willing.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
5:26 PM
Saturday, December 27, 2003
It's sad that when you finally meet someone with whom some real potential exists, that there always seems to be a big giant obstacle preventing you from REALLY knowing ...
Al, the amazing boy I met on Christmas Eve left last night. Sadly, we didn't get to spend any more time together after that first night. I guess i'm not entirely ready to throw in the towel just yet. It seems silly to make an attempt to pursue something, with someone so far away after only hanging out once... but something in me tells me that this might be worth the time and effort.
I spent the better part of the afternoon in low spirits, and was eventually persuaded to go to a party last night. This boy Andrew who I had been talking to online (in an attempt to find people to hang out with while I'm in this boring town) had asked me to go to a party with him ... Well, little did I know what he had in store for me.
Originally, he said he and his friend had something to do before going to the party, and they would come get me after. I insisted that they should get me first, and I would come along to run their errand. After much reluctance, Andrew admitted to me that their errand was actually to go on an "escorting appointment" with some rich older man. LOL - now of course, this should have been my first sign - STAY AWAY FROM THIS PERSON. But I was down about not getting to see Al before he left ... and I thought perhaps a night of adventure would do me some good. I was told if I came along, I could swim in this man's pool and play in his hot tub while they did "their thing" ... In theory, this sounded fine.
Now, this Andrew boy seemed as though he liked me. My head wasn't really in that place because I kept thinking about Al ... but I also found it rather odd to hear a boy telling me he liked me and then telling me that I was going to be waiting in the hot tub while he fooled arond with an old man for money, on the first night we'd meet. Yeah, that's a great "first date" ... lol - way to sell the idea!
But alas, it got worse. He went on to tell me how this other guy he was interested in was going to the party afterwards with them as well ...and that I had to keep all of the rest of the evening secret...
Now at this point, I DID realize that staying at home and watching TGIF was going to be a better option for me... and I said so. But Andrew wouldn't take no for an answer.
So ... off I went ...
If you can perhaps imagine the scenario I've already painted... and if perhaps you think "Well, it might not have been that bad..."
...you'd be wrong.
It was all that and more. Andrew is a sweet kid, but a messed up set of values. He comes from a well off family, and has no need to escort. He does it to buy expensive bobble. I almost had to laugh when he said that he was going to use his money on a new Louis Vuitton bag. Adrian and Rich (two ex's of mine who escorted) both sold their asses for a Louis Vuitton bag... damned hookers and their expensive tastes...
The night was basically just wretched, and every attempt that I made to try to make it better was rejected. When I'd state that I was uncomfortable, it would have little or no impact on any activity. And the party ended up being a bunch of ANNOYING as HELL fags, that I had no desire to be around.
I've come to notice that gay people are truly the same no matter where you go ... there are a few different models, and you'll find them scattered throughout every city you go to.
Except maybe for Atlanta. I think there's a really special, perhaps one of a kind boy there ... maybe I'll still get to find out ...
God, I'm so ready to leave PA! ...
5:23 PM
Thursday, December 25, 2003
There were only 4 things I really wanted this Christmas. I wanted a digital camera. I wanted some money to pay my rent for January, so I wouldn't have to worry about it when I get back. I wanted some nice comfortable thick socks for work so that I won't be in constant pain. And ... I wanted to meet the boy of my dreams.
This morning underneath my parents Christmas Tree, I got a digital camera, some socks and some money. Everything I could have wanted... Except for the boy.
However, many families that I know have a tradition of opening one gift the night before, on Christmas Eve. Last night, in a random attempt to cure my boredom in PA, I met up with a boy from online ... and I might very well have gotten the fourth Christmas present a night early.
I'm floating right now ... but with full knowledge that this is going to crash down around me soon. His name is Al, and he's from PA originally. He's EXACTLY two days younger then me ... He's (obviously) also a libra ... he is brilliant, funny, gorgeous ... and he lives in Atlanta.... (Thus the trainwreck I'm headed for.)
We marveled quickly at how alike we were ... unsure if it was just the libra traits, or if the similarities ran deeper than that. As it turns out they do, as we have very similar backgrounds and histories ... right up to mistake of spending a few years with "Miss Tina" ...
We had an amazing night, and he left early to avoid detection from my father and to get home in time for Christmas morning ... the plan is to see him again tonight ... fingers crossed.
I'm not even REMOTELY sure what could possibly happen here... we do live far away from each other... we did just meet.... but ... as cheesy as this sounds... there definitely felt to be a little bit of Christmas magic working last night ...
Merry Christmas all!...
2:28 PM
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Bear in mind, that as I write this entry, I'm completely stoned. LOL - hell, it's Maine ... what else is there to do after a long day of work?...hehehe
OK, so it was an eventful weekend of Christmas Parties... I'm all Christmas Partied out at this point.
Friday night, my friends Jake and Heath had their Gay Christmas Keg Party ... which sounds like 3 contradictions all in one statement.. but regardless... Jamie bailed at the last minute, and so our friend Brad and I went without him ... Bear in mind, Brad's a rather brilliant boy, who one can never tell if is ACTUALLY crazy or simply playing a role to the letter. Regardless, we show up at a party that consisted of about 10 queers... oh, and a girl. There was a hag there ... Anyway ... so we get there, and I'm a little stoned, but hadn't drank anything ... It was awkward but after a few beers, I was good to go ... I struck up conversation with a boy from Bangor who was in town for the weekend ... he and I went for a walk ... smoked up some more... talked ... he was a cool kid... so we hung together for the rest of the night ... Around 11, the party moved to the Roxy and I moved home, to crash and prepare for an early day of work ... Sean (the boy from Bangor) agreed to come to the Christmas party that Jamie, Kate and I were having the next night...
...and so the next night, we had our Christmas Party. About 15 people showed up in all ... we made a groovy christmas party CD, had lots of wine and beer, smoked a lot of pot, socialized and had a good time.
CK (the blog name for the boy who after months of hooking up with, I have started to get to know and like) made an appearance... but he seemed uncomfortable with the pot smoking and other things ... He left after about 30 mins ... and I was sad.
Ironically, also at the party was Justin, the boy who I had been nuts about a few weeks back, but returned no interest. Well he showed up and surprised me ... I hadn't thought he'd make it. It was good to see him... it's clear that he's not interested in me in that way (he went to go meet some other boy after he left my house) ... but he is a fucking amazing kid... and I hope that I manage to get over all that and make a friend out of him ...
Then finally, Sean the boy from the party the night before showed up. He ended up spending most of the night in the kitchen talking to another friend of mine... they left together around midnight to go to the bar... I wrote him off then.
Depsite my rejection from 3 different boys in one night, the christmas party was actually a LOT of fun ... I had a good time and was around some people I enjoy.
Sunday was a day of work... then rest... then some christmas shopping ...
Monday (this afternoon) we had our Christmas Party at work. Amanda and I decided, that after a long day of work, we were gonna get stoned first to make the party more enjoyable ... it was a fuckin trip. I got cards for everyone with personal notes... there was YUMMY ass food that everyone made... and we did a gift exchange... a tame, but fun time to be sure.
CK had come in to work during the day to say goodbye to me before leaving himself for the holidays. We exchanged cards, both of which had something sappy written inside. Amanda observed the dynamic between us and told me "I think he likes you ..."
I feel that way too ... it's a weird thing though ... because we're becoming good friends. He's perhaps the first one (barring Jamie, who doesn't count, and Kate who I live with) here who I actually feel a real sense of closeness with ... my feelings for him make that confusing a bit, because I think we seem to gel so well together a lot ... What I don't know is if it's dating anyone that is unappealing to him ... or if it's just that he doesn't think we're compatible... My biggest problem is that confusion ... feeling like he looks at me with the same eyes I look at him with ... and yet ... and yet.
Regardless, I'm lucky to have met him ... and who knows where things will go. That's not a hopeful thought... or an unhopeful one ... just not entirely sure that the ending of this particular novel has been written yet ...
Last but not least... in a complete moment of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" ... I had sex with the HOTTEST boy EVER tonight... lol - yeah yeah yeah ... well I can't sit around and mope about my feelings and unrequited desire FOREVER now can I?... And the best part... this hottie ... he's a military boy... well ... he was. YUMMY ...
"Oh yeah ... Girl's just wanna have fun ...."
And finally ... HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE EVE EVE ... (something I've done since I was a kid ... the ritual countdown) ...
Tommorrow afternoon I leave for my first journey home to PA in forever. I will have a few hours layover in NYC, so I will probably wander around my old stomping grounds and see a few friends... Then it's off to Amish Country for Christmas Vacation.
My best Christmas present so far: I don't have to see a fucking grand slam for 7 days! PRAISE GOD ... MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!!!... ;)
12:23 AM
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Oh Christmas Tree ... Oh Christmas Tree...
I have a story, I want to tell ...but as it's not a very happy story I figured I'd start with something a little bit more cheerful.
Last night we got our Christmas tree and decorated while listening to beautiful Christmas music. Kate, Jamie me and Kate's friend Jen ... it was a good time... our living room looks really cute. We rearranged the whole thing, got rid of the ugly futon (ok, it's actually sitting in the hallway right now waiting for me to lug it downstairs to the trash heap) and made it a lot more homey. I have to finish cleaning the rest of the house, but doing the decorating really helped get me in the Christmas spirit.
Well that was enough cheer... lol.
So my problem in relationships seems to be that when I like someone, I start expecting things... and Dr. Phil and Oprah and all of these people (except save for Ricki Lake) tell us that the best things happen when we're not expecting them ... So let me begin my story.
My story begins several months ago when I met this guy online and gave him a blow job. One blow job turned into the occasional "semi-regular" playing session, but nothing more beyond that. It was simply "Hey, let's fool around..." And that would be that.
Then things started changing a bit. We'd talk more online ... I shared with him the story of my past (from the soap opera days to the drug infested times in Florida) ... and he shared some of his with me... We seemed to have more in common than we realized. Out of the blue one day, we decided to do something normal and go out for lunch... it was a lot of fun and it was very cool to start to get to know this person. There was no "relationship" kind of vibe... it was just getting to know each other, becoming friends... and of course, we'd still play around from time to time.
Then hanging out "normally" became more frequent... he'd meet me out at the bars for some drinks... we'd watch movies ... he met Jamie and we all hung out ... got drunk together ... We went out to dinner a few nights ago ... And slowly, I started to realize that this guy was really great. That maybe I might like him. We have a lot of things about ourselves that our similar... our feelings about ourselves and our lives... the way we think ... we bonded basically ... and I was starting to wonder "Could this be more...?"
Last night he signed online as I was preparing to go to sleep ... he was drunk and seemed rather sad so I invited him over. He came over, and just wanted to cuddle and talk ... which I was totally down with ... He started talking about the things he wants out of life ... and how he goes through the same cycle. How he finds himself trying to focus on one thing, but unable to split his focus between his job/career life and a romantic life. He said that he was in slut mode lately, because he's always been a serial monogamist... and that he was worrying he was starting to fall back into a phase where he was liking someone and that would be bad for him ... He said he hadn't been looking for a realationship, that he was happy just being kind of a ho for while... but then he started to like someone ... and see the possibility for more there.
I laid there listening to him, and rubbing his chest ... thinking that it was cool that it sounded like he and I were possibly thinking the same things. That maybe we wouldn't date ... maybe we would ... but that he was thinking he had interest in me as well. I felt warm and fuzzy ...
He went on to say that he'd had such a great day ... and was feeling so good...and now he felt terrible. I asked him what made the change. I was confused... why did he suddennly feel so bad ...?
"Well ... the guy I've started to like is moving soon."
I swallowed hard. The realization that it wasn't me he had been talking about set in. I was determined not to let it show on my face. I was rubbing his chest at the time, trying to make him feel better. I knew that if I stopped suddennly, that my feelings would be known. That my hurt would show ... and I wasn't about to let that happen. I continued for a few minutes, as he went on ... I didn't let the tone in my voice change once, as I expressed sympathy and told him that eventually he'll meet the right person ... or that perhaps things would work out with this guy. Then I smiled, said in a silly voice that I had to go pee and went into the bathroom to compose my thoughts. I stared at myself in the mirror for a while... wondering ... This guy who I have so much in common with ... our feeling that we can do better than what we are right now ... the desire to regain former good looks that we feel are somewhat lost ... this connection that I felt was blossoming ... It was completely one-sided. I was thinking "What if..." and so was he ... just not "What if...Kevin..."
I put on my best "party face" and went back into the bedroom, crawled back into bed, and played sleepy.
Eventually, he decided he couldn't sleep and was going to go home ... I wasn't sure he should be alone, cause he was still kind of sad, so I told him that he was more than welcome to stay. He didn't.
It feels like ANY time that I let the slightest bit of interest in someone creep in that I end up feeling like a fool for not seeing that it wasn't returned. This wasn't a case of me making any mistakes... I hadn't made any, cause I hadn't TRIED to do anything ... I was just letting it happen and seeing where it went. This was just a case of me thinking that there was more there then there actually was ... which I guess in the end just makes me feel stupid. He's a friend, and I guess that's just where I have to keep him. He's a good person, and has done NOTHING wrong, so certainly I'm not going to take my hurt out on him ... that wouldn't be fair... but ... at what point do you wonder "What IS wrong with me?" I know that sometimes, it's just a case of two people not being right for each other or whatnot ... but sometimes ... sometimes with a person who you feel like you have so much in common with ... and then you realize they haven't even THOUGHT about you in that way ... that they were thinking about someone else in that way, as you were on a completely different page... Well ...sometimes you just feel stupid.
I went to sleep wondering why I think of myself as an intelligent person ... but when it comes to relationships, I somehow always wind up feeling stupid in the end.
3:55 PM
Sunday, December 07, 2003
Sometimes work is actually a really fun place to be.
Yesterday morning, amidst the blizzard we seem to be having (which Maine people seem to think is nothing) I was tending to the few customers that I had ... and it was just about my turn to go on break. A party of six young people (3 guys, 3 girls) came in and were put in my section. I rushed to beverage them and get to them to take their order before Jeanne came to tell me I was on break...but just as I was getting the last orange juice, she came over to inform me that it was my turn. All was not lost though ... I turned to Sue, another of our charming Denny's waitresses and said "Hey, you wanna go next? I have a party I wanted to take care of ..."
"Sure," she said, smacking her gum ... and off to break she went... and off to the table of youngsters went I.
As I said, there were 3 guys and 3 girls. None of the 3 guys were anything bad to look at AT ALL ... one stood out as more of my type of "hottie" then the others ... and as it turned out he was also the funny one of the group. (His name turned out to be Todd, I later discovered.)
So I went over with my usual way-too-cheerful "Hey guys, how are you doin today?... Did y'all know what ya want or would you like a little more time with the menu?" bullshit. Right off the bat I could tell they were going to be fun, so I decided to have some fun with them as well ... I've been trying to work on dealing better with the parties that are more in my age group. Working day shift has me relatively accustomed to many older people, and whiny kids... so I'm trying to brush up my skills on dealing with the younger set, as I've been thinking about working some graveyard shifts, and they would be the main clientele there.
Anyway ... so they were making jokes... I was making jokes... Todd (the really cute one) kept semi-flirting with me in that way that straight men do when they're trying to fuck with you ... I just came back with a few clever barbs, made his friends laugh, and him too actually. I had a good raport with the table ... and was having fun. At one point, I came over to check on them and Todd started to ask me something. "I do my hair like that sometimes... and people say that it's something you do if you're..."
Trish, the girl sitting next to him covered his mouth before he could finish the sentence. I was finding all of this quite amusing, so I looked to her for further comment.
"Do you like to shop?" she asked.
They were trying to put me on the spot ... perhaps embarass me. And I was not to be outdone. It was time to show them that I just don't embarass that easily and that they were in over their head.
"I don't especially like to shop... but I am gay if that's what you guys are asking." I said, with not a trace of embarassment in my voice. (Secretly, I was hoping for a plesant reaction.)
Their jaws dropped a bit, more so at the fact that I was so open, I think, then at the fact that I was a cocksucker. The cute one (Todd) went on to say that he didn't think I was and that he was surprised. I didn't believe that either. He continued to semi-flirt with me... but again, this guy was obviously straight and I knew he was just playing with me for the attention.
At one point I went over to the table, and Todd and Trish were about to do shots of Pancake syrup. I laughed and made fun of them ... gave them shit ... and then went away. I came back a little while later to find Trish about to eat her little ceramic bucket of butter.
"OK, WHAT are you doing now?" I asked.
"They dared me to eat the butter." She smiled.
OK, it was time for me to prove myself. Time to be the cool waiter they all thought I was ... "I'll be right back! Hang on!" I said.
A minute later I returned with a helping of butter for myself and two more shots of syrup. "Let's go!" I said matter of factly.
So we downed the butter, and chased it with a shot of pancake syrup. DISGUSTING. I actually had to liken it a bit (in my head) to the feeling of swallowing cum ... but much less pleasant and without all the fun stuff that comes beforehand.
That seemed to do it ... they thought I was awesome! For the rest of their visit, I sat and talked to them ...and Todd made a few casual jokes about getting my # which I kind of dismissed, but secretly hoped he'd ask me directly for it. Straight or not, he was still a cute boy ...and actually seemed like a REALLY awesome person ... Before they left, he finally did (albeit casually) ask me for it ... I gave it to him, and we traded AIM screen names... He also was writing something down, which he never gave to me ... but after he and his friends left I found it on the table ... (PRobably exactly what I would have done in that situation.)
His cute little note read: "I'm not really gay but I love having fun and joking around. You should definitely come chill sometime."
They also left me a $15 tip. It was DEFINITELY the most fun I had all day.
I've talked to him online since, and he seems like a really cool guy. I think we're gonna hang out sometime soon ... I'm going to be his token fag friend, and he's going to be my token breeder friend ...
He did say he was a cheerleader in high school. Do breeders really do that?...Things that make you go hmm...
ONLY AT DENNY'S!
6:22 PM
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
OK ... let me preface this little piece of poetry with a few thoughts. First of all, it's not inspired by anything CURRENT in my life. No one has brought this up in me ... and it's not geared towards anyone. Secondly, it's rather cheesy as I haven't written poetry in a LONG time and thirdly, I wrote it on my break at work today. But here goes:
Butterflies
I think about how long it's been...
Lacking this should be a sin.
The silly giggles, the heavy sighs,
for a boy who gives you butterflies.
When will he call and what will he say?
These thoughts overtake you and define your day.
You think of his smell ... his touch ... his gaze -
you walk around in that blissful haze.
Not quite love but you've planted the seeds.
And each moment with him, the affection feeds.
It grows inside you, taking over your mind,
every sunrise seems perfect ... all the stars are aligned.
Your heart beats faster every moment with him,
giving in to it's every whim.
Suddenly it's all so fine and dandy;
the walks at night, the flowers, the candy.
All these things you wrote off as shit;
Now they seem possible - this could be IT.
The door is open, your guard finally down.
You're swimming in love and who cares if you drown!
Open ... Ready ... Hopeful ... Happy ...
All that shit you always called sappy.
You sing at work, you dance at home...
...then suddenly it happens... and again you're alone.
The pain, the hurt, all of the lies...
once again have killed your butterflies.
5:43 PM
Monday, December 01, 2003
Yet again, it's been a while since I've blogged. Busy, busy, busy ... or is it lazy, lazy, lazy?... Either way I suppose ...
Thanksgiving week was a busy one ... I worked most of it ... including Thanksgiving Day. I came home from work at 3 on Turkey Day, and started work on my Thanksgiving Feast. I'd invited some friends over and they were due at 6:00, with a 6:30 pm dinner time. My dinner consisted of Turkey (OK, it was actually a turkey LOAF - but you try making a turkey on a day when you work), homemade mashed taters, stuffing, corn, broccoli with cheese sauce, sweet potatoes topped with marshmallow, biscuits and a Denny's Pecan Pie for dessert. In attendance was myself, Jamie, Ashley, Crazy Brian, Jim (a boy who liked me but made a few bad choices) and Zack ... the town hoochy who pretends to be an angel. (He's actually a fairly sweet boy just with a lot of issues.) We sat around and had the most irreverent conversations over Thanksgiving Dinner, and many glasses of wine. Ashley brought some pot, so we took a dessert break in my room to smoke out and then headed off to Somewhere Else for a little bit of karaoke lovin' ... Natch, what else?!
I wasn't feelin the karaoke vibe, and had to work Black Friday at 7am, so I came home early and went to bed.
Friday night I was supposed to have a late-night dinner date with this boy named Justin who I've been talking to for quite a while online, but who lives an hour away. He was going to be in Portland for a party, and was going to duck out early to come hang out ... I ended up getting home late, and we didn't get to hang out that night.
Saturday while I was at work, he found a way back to Portland and when I came home that day, he and his best friend Joe were hanging out waiting for me ... Justin was the sweetheart, funny boy that I expected him to be ... his friend Joe was a cool boy as well, but the type of boy (or at least this is my opinion thus far) who relies heavily on his looks as his major selling point ... basically he's kinda hot and he knows it ... and has the tude that comes with it. Don't get me wrong, he was nice... but I noticed a difference in the Justin who I had spoken with on the phone, and the Justin who was around Joe. Not a bad difference nescesarily, but I couldn't help but wish that I'd met Justin solo the first time ...
Regardless, we started drinking around 4 on Saturday afternoon, and were pretty wasted by early evening, thanks to drinking versions of Jenga and Scrabble. My dumb ass passed out, and they went out to the Underground. They came back and crashed here, and we all got up Sunday afternoon and hung out some more till they had to go home early Sunday evening.
There had been no real "hanky panky" with Justin and I the night before, which was a good thing ... I liked this boy, and often my rule is not to fool around with boys I really like the first time I meet them. It just tends to set the tone or define what the relationship (or lack thereof) is going to be about. I tried to kiss him at one point and he didn't want to ... he said he doesn't do THAT unless he really likes a guy ... I of course, being me, didn't take that so well and was a "grumpy gus" until I passed out that night. LOL - again: Natch.
Justin is young ... he doesn't turn 18 for another month ... but even Jamie had to admit he was kind of wise beyond his years. He seems to be a lot what I'm looking for in a guy ... but I guess what it comes down to is I'm not sure that's a returned feeling. I didn't get the vibe that he was having the same "butterflies" that I was ... I haven't spoken to him since he left so I guess I don't know that for sure. Regardless he's someone I want to hang out with more ... even if he's not destined to be that wonderful boyfriend that I'd like so much to find. I guess one never knows for sure... so I'll do the whole "wait and see" thing ...
Definitely had fun though.
Last night, I decided I needed some karaoke lovin (again) to bring myself out of my "I don't think the boy liked me" funk ... so I headed off to the UG with this boy Earl who I know (and who knows way too many other people who I know) ... he doesn't drink, so I refrained from having any more myself that night.
I sang "Sweet Transvestite" of course, and then tried singing "Rent." I wasn't quite drunk enough to pull off the latter, but still got much love for my usual ditty...
There was a bit more to the night and some other surprises that it held ... but I don't really know what to make of them yet, so I'm not going to post anything just yet.
All in all, it's been an eventful week. Ate some turkey, served some grand slams, met a cool boy, sang some karaoke, got a little drunk ... LOL ... yeah, ain't life grand?!?... ;)
9:39 AM
Monday, November 24, 2003
It really is the simple things in life that are the best times.
Last night Jamie and I went over to our friend Joanna's house ... it was me and Jamie, Joanna, her boyfriend/fiancee Jason and their friend Kirsten. Joanna made this DELICIOUS homemade lasagna which I ate entirely too much of ... we drank cosmos and champagne and then played this kick ass new Pop Culture Trivial Pursuit DVD game, which I won! (Ok, we were playing for a while, and basically decided to end the game with a Sudden Death round, which is technically how I won ... but regardless: KEVIN WINNER!) ;) After that, Jamie and I headed to the Underground for karaoke ... I ended up not singing "Sweet Transvestite" for a change - and instead sang "Suddennly Seymour" ... I sang both parts of the duet... lol - it was kind of funny and I didn't do too bad of a job ... Jamie sang "Push" by Matchbox 20 and actually did a really good job.
It was a fun night ... no drama ... no worrying about silly boys... just a fun night of hanging out with friends and enjoying the simpler things in life ... good times by far.
On other fronts, I've been busting my ass working a lot lately... I sprained my ankle last week, so working with that has been a little painful. And we're behind on rent and bills, trying to play catch up ... so have basically been working to get all the money together to straighten all that out.
I had a day off today, which was nice after the long weekend of working my butts off slinging hash to old people and bratty kids ... NO MORE SEPERATE CHECKS, that's what I say! GRr....
Jamie is doing well being back ... he certainly is thinking a lot ... reflecting ... deciding ... going through basically what I expected he would while he was here. I'm trying to just listen as much as possible and let him draw his own conclusions. That's really what he needs...
I don't know what I need really... I've been doing well lately... a bit depressed from time to time, but basically doing ok ... I'm going to feel a lot better in a few days when I'm more caught up on bills and rent.. that will be a huge burden lifted..
My plan is to cook a big old meal on Thanksgiving Day after I get out of work ... I'm not sure if it's going to be anyone other than just Jamie and I eating, although I have invited a few other people ... guess we'll see. But I like the idea of cooking a big old dinner... I did it my first year in Florida,and did a pretty decent job ... so I'm thinking I can pull it off again this year...
I have a lot more to be thankful for than I have in past years, so I'm cooking a Thanksgiving dinner even if it's just me sitting eating the damn thing in the middle of my living room. And dammit, there WILL BE cranberry sauce! Luvvvvvvvvvvvz me some cranberry sauce!
5:34 PM
Thursday, November 13, 2003
This is one of those blog posts where I realized it's been a while since I've written ... and I've got a million things to do ... but a post needed to go up ... so here it is.
LOL. Jamie has been home for a week now ... it's been wonderful having him back. He's in a different place emotionaly right now ... I think he feels a little displaced. He seems to miss Seth quite a bit, but also at the same time realize that the space seems to be perhaps doing good things for them as well. I think about Seth a lot, and hope that he's doing ok without Jamie and perhaps trying to find the positive in a situation as well.
We went out to the "Roxie", the local homo-Friday night haunt... neither of us had been there before and DAMN if the place wasn't right out of NYC. Couches, big video screens.. and lots of shirtless gay boys. LOL - it was quite the sight to behold indeed. I wasn't nuts about the shirtless boys, as they tend to bore me.... but it was a fun night...for both Jamie and I.
Tonight we're going with Kate to her employee appreciation night for work ... it's a murder-mystery themed dinner evening ... and promises to be an interesting one I'm sure. I intend to drink a lot of wine both before during and after.
I've been sick lately... Kate has it in my head that I have walking pneumonia. Hmmm ... something to think about huh?... LOL - Cheerful indeed.
Boys still suck ... but I'll post more about that later. No real news about anyone ... just the same old, same old. Money has been an issue lately ... we're behind on some things and all busting our asses to get them back on track. It sucks ... and I hate the feeling of not being able to catch up ... or have as much fun as I'd like to after working so hard.
I think they have a name for this feeling though ... "Adulthood?"
3:16 PM
Monday, November 03, 2003
Everyone who reads my blog has managed to read it so quickly this weekend...and so they're all saying "Oh that's so great about that guy you wrote about... maybe you've finally found someone nice."
Well, I've just been too messed up this weekend to write an update. But now I'm finally going to, so that everyone will stopping rubbing salt in the wound (ok, it was a guy I met once - the wound isn't that sore...) ;)
I decided to be frank and honest with him and tell him that I liked him and was interested in getting to know him further. His response was "Wow, that's very sweet Kevin. I appreciate your being so honest."
I held my breath. It was very clear a "but" was coming ...
"But..." his IM continued "I just don't think we're compatible."
TRANSLATION: You're not what I think of as cute.
OK, he didn't say that, but I'm fairly sure that's what it meant... Maybe I just think that cause I think this guy is gorgeous. And cause I don't think I am ... I dunno ... not really sure what it is...
It just seems that any guy I make some sort of connection with is not interested... or lives far away....And the ones who are interested in me are just these silly boys who I couldn't really hold a real conversation with, let alone have any sort of relationship with.
There's someone who I saw great potential with ... unfortunately said person lives up in the Bangor area ... (For you non-Mainers it's a few hours away and where Stephen King lives) ... A mutual friend says he and I (the boy, not Stephen King) are very much alike. But because of the distance and because he's stubborn ... we haven't met. He doesn't want to chance coming here to see me and liking me (so he says ... I think more l likely he's worried about coming and NOT liking me) ... and I have no way to get to him ...
So ... things are as they always are on the boy front. I think there's potential and it just doesn't end up working out ...
On a happier note, Jamie will be home in a few days. More blog updates on that later... God, I can't wait to see my best friend!... Things will be better then ... I'll have that backup ... that connection that I've been missing for a few months now.
I think that's why I've been looking more for "that special boy" lately... As weird as it sounds. I don't have a close connection with many people since Jamie has left... Jamie and I don't have a relationship connection, but it's certainly a closeness I don't share with many people here...and him being gone has left a void...
I think he's going to be happier when he gets home too ... although we're not sure how long it's going to be for, it appears he'll at least be here long enough to eat some Turkey on Thanksgiving, open a few presents Christmas Day, and ring in the New Year... and I think New Years would be a great symbolic night to spend with my best friend... Out with the old - in with the new... But I guess I really started that when I left Florida...
Still workin' ...
3:05 AM
Saturday, November 01, 2003
We got to dress up in costume for work yesterday. So my Halloween costume consisted of pleather pants, a shiny red shirt, blue hair and a necklace... "Rock Star" was the look I was going for. Not sure how well I pulled it off, but a few of my customers guessed what I was ... and a lot of people complimented the blue hair, so it was cool.
I worked swing, so I got out around 9:30pm, but the night still had many interesting things left in store for me. I came home, and sat in front of the computer - still clad in pleather and blue ... and began chattin' it up online.
Suddenly, this guy IM's me and asks me if my name is Kevin.
"Why yes it is," I say helpfully.
Well it turns out he's a friend of mine's roommate, who I have met a few times, but never talked too much too.
"Are you from Florida?" He asks me.
"Uhm... I lived there for a while." I respond skeptically.
"Did you lose your wallet a while ago?" He asks.
OK - now I lost my wallet a little over two months ago - and have had NO luck finding it. Trying to get another ID has been hell, and so I've been walking around for months with no way of proving my identity. I thought I'd never see my wallet again.
"YES I DID LOSE IT!" I type excitedly.
"Well I work at a grocery store, and it's been behind our service desk for a few months now!"
I SHRIEK with glee and immediately hop in a cab to go and retrieve my wallet. When I get back, I find the boy online again and tell him that I owe him. I invite him for drinks at my place... he suggests his instead. So he comes and picks me up and off to his place we go. We spent about the next 6 hours drinking beer and talking about music, and theology and sociology ... and I start to think this could possibly be the coolest boy ever.
As I sit there and talk to him, one urge keeps coming over me. No, not to fuck him. That's what happens when I really like a guy, I've just met. I don't want to have sex with them. I just want to kiss them.
But I'm also a chicken shit at times... and it took a few hours to build up the courage for my FIRST attempt at a kiss. It happened as we were walking back to his bedroom to listen to some music back there... and I grabbed his hand, turned him around and moved in towards him. A vibe told me he'd pull away, so at the last minute I just gave him a hug. It was rather silly and awkward, but we were both a little tipsy so I figured it was excusable. It definitely felt like we were vibing ... we were hitting it off... but I didn't think a kiss would work yet ... as much as I wanted to. So I waited.
In his room, I laid on the bed and he sat at the computer and played duets from Rent and we traded off singing male and female roles. He's a music major as USM and very into theater. Also points for him. Then he comes over and lies on the bed next to me, takes my hand wraps it around him and we settle into a comfortable spooning positon. At this point, it's 5am and I realize I'm going to have to call into work. (I was to be in at 7am) I'm too comfortable and not leaving this boys bed anytime soon. So I do, and we go back to spooning. At this point, I'm feeling as though a kiss would certainly not be out of the question. So I turn his face to mine, and move in to kiss him. He kisses me, but the fastest quickest peck on the lips EVER. He smiles and turns his head back around and we spoon for the rest of the night ... No sex, no dirty stuff... just cuddling with this awesome cool boy that I had just spent the past 6 hours talking to and developing a mad crush on.
OK - CONFUSION!!!! He was all into the cuddling ... but he totally shot down my kiss attempt. I'm SOOOO confused.
This morning he brought me home, and I called work. Only to get the great news that I'm supsended for tommorrow since I called in today. FUCK FUCK FUCK! This sucks!
I then did my usual Kevin move, and called "the boy" to leave him a message saying I had a really good time, giving him my #, and saying if he was free later, that maybe we could do something.
I talked to him online for a little bit after that, and he was fairly non-chatty, but said it would be cool to do something later perhaps.
So now, I'm going to do what I HATE doing more than anything in the world. I'm going to sit and wait and see what happens... I 'm going to wait by the phone like a fool to see if "the boy" calls me ... I'm going to wonder if he digs me too ... I'm going to tell this story to all of my friends and get their feedback.
God, I'm so silly sometimes... This part... it's the best part, but at the same time the worst part.... BOYS ARE SO CONFUSING!!
OK, now I officially feel like I'm back in middle school ... ;)
1:45 PM
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
"When you wish upon a star... makes no difference who you are..."
So I wrote recently an entry about how much I miss my best friend Jamie ... and I so do. Our friendship has gone back and forth between being a close-proximity friendship and a long distance friendship... and a few months ago when Jamie left for Arizona, it went back to being a long distance friendship ...
Next Thursday, it will once again become a close proximity friendship! MY BEST FRIEND IS COMING HOME ... !!!!!
OK... now that I'm over the initial excitement, I'll explain.
Things with he and Seth have stayed much the same ... and they've finally decided that they need some space and that it will do them some good. I've thought this since the first day I stepped foot in Portland... and that space could have probably been accomplished here, with them just blocks from each other. But their choices, good or bad, took them to Arizona... and now the need for space has to be accomplished by being several states away. But I think whatever the future holds for Jamie and Seth, this will be the defining moment for them and will take them to whatever that is...
Time apart will give them both clarity ... and either they'll go back to the relationship more determined to make it work, and with better ideas how, or they'll realize that maybe it's not what they want. I honestly don't know what the answer to that one is ... But I do know that space is how they'll find that answer.
In the meantime I get my best friend back till after the New Year!
He's going to fly into NYC next Thursday where we're going to meet and party like it's 9/27! That's right, I'm going to celebrate my REAL birthday, with a REAL friend ... and yes, Pinnochio - I'll be a REAL boy! LOL ...
OK, I'm rather giddy right now ... lol - trying to supress the selfish excitement though. I know it's going to be hard for him, although he and Seth seemed to have discussed it and both are well with this idea. I really am a good enough friend that if I thought it were anything less than a brilliant idea, I'd tell him so - even though it would mean "No Jamie for me!" LOL (Imagine me saying that in a Soup Nazi voice!)
I'm so excited to sit on the steps of the breast clinic, drink 40's and talk to my best friend about life and love and random thoughts... I'm so excited to have our weekly sessions at Margarita's ... I'm so excited to laugh and cry and to be a friend and have a friend again ...
I've been thinking a lot lately, about how I haven't formed a lot of close friendships here yet. Part of that has been by choice. I'm determined not to be "stuck in friendships" or have annoying people calling me friends, who I tolerate like when I lived in Florida. It's a new day, and it's better to be alone and lonely, then surrounded by people and lonely. So, I'm suffering through some loneliness now on my quest to be a stronger, happier person ... and having Jamie back will be so wonderful. I think it'll be what we both need.
I also get to help him the way he helped me. I get to put HIM on a flight and bring HIM to safety for a while. I get to say "Lean on me..." And I get to return some of that friendship that he's given to me by the truckloads.
A few years ago, Jamie and I had made a half-assed attempt to move to NYC. We were living in a cheap hotel room there, and in the course of a week, we'd been homeless, had our life's possession's stolen, spent all our money and gotten kicked in the nuts by life. We had been fighting and we were sitting in this little hotel room listening to Delilah (the radio chick) on our little boom box. I snuck downstairs to the pay phones in this cheap hotels lobby and called ... I figured I wouldn't get through because it was Delilah for god's sake... but I did ... a woman took my information, asked my story and said to be at the phone in 10 minutes that Delilah would be calling back to tape the segment and it would air about 30 minutes later.
Delilah called back and I said "My best friend and I just moved to a new city. A lot has happened to get us down since we've been here... and now we've been fighting. And I just wanted to say that I know it's not always easy to be my friend but that Jamie is my best friend and we'll get through this."
Delilah warmly said "With our friends around us anything is possible ... let me see if I can find a song for you..." And that was that. The call was over... and I had to wait till 30 minutes later, in the hotel room to hear what she'd chosen.
Jamie and I are sitting there, and all of a sudden my voice comes over the radio (he didn't know I'd done it) ... he looks at me and says (in that way only Jamie can and make it a positive comment) "You dork!"
"Let me see if I can find a song for you..." Delilah says ... and this song begins playing:
You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there
And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
3:59 AM
Friday, October 17, 2003
Margaret Cho once asked it, and now I find myself pondering the same question. "What is it about my personality that makes people feel they can be completely open and honest with me about ANYTHING?"
I find that people, who meet me even casually, feel the need to open up to me ... No, I'm not talking about cute little bottom boys. I'm talking about the most random of people: customers at work, the clerk at the local convenience store, my cab driver, the man pissing next to me in the mall bathroom, a random homeless person ... the woman who runs my laundromat is even in on it!
I've heard such random asides as "God, I love young white ass. It's so tight and firm." "That asshole only had one testicle anyway!" "My doctor just told me I have breast cancer and so I'm going in for my mastectomy tommorrow." "I shaved my nuts today, and they itch." and my personal favorite: "My mother is in a mental institution. She says I'm going to end up in one with her soon. I think she's right."
Strangers! These thoughts expressed by relative strangers. What is it?... Do I scream "Confide in me!"
Now if I could only get boys to do that upon meeting them ... spill out all of their random deep dark secrets, and all the things they are likely to do to hurt me eventually...
Oops! I had a bitter moment.
Been playing txt message "tag" with Teddy lately... it's so good to talk to him ... or text with him I guess... we talked on the phone for a few minutes the other night... I can't help but wonder if he is feelin that "groovy feelin" when he talks to me too. God, I'm a dork!
I'm feeling random today, and I'm a tad bit stoned... so I'm posting a few random things I have been thinking about lately...
Another one being the fact that walking around Portland still amazes me. I remember the first day that I rode into Portland, in the back seat of Joanna's car, with her and Jamie tour-guiding me through the city that I was going to be staying in for a few weeks....I didn't at all expect this place to become what it is to me ... A home. Not "home forever" ... but such a wonderful home for right now. With good things, and the prospects of good things looming over me ... with familiar streets that I walk to to do my laundry, or to get a 2 liter of Diet Coke, or to go to the bar ... or to walk to my favorite little Mexican Restaurant to meet friends... the paths that I take to go these places... the path that I'm on now ... How Jamie was so much a part of this becoming home ... and now he's gone and a huge piece is missing, but it still was what he helped me make it.
It hits me hard sometimes how much I really miss him. Not AT ALL in a "I need him to get by" sort of way ... so not at all. He gave me that shoulder to climb up on ...and I got up, and I'm doing it ... But ... to have him here to share this growth with would be so wonderful. To watch his growth ... as he seems to grow more and more taller every day. I know he doesn't think so sometimes ... but I have so much faith in that boy. I can't wait to see where our lives end up taking us... and hopefully there will be many more years of living in the same city, wherever it may be, and causing lots of trouble and having lots of laughs and drinking 40's on random steps ...
He's not here with me tonight ... but J, I'm gonna make it a Kevin and Jamie night anyway ... you're in my thoughts tonight ... And you know you can always use that "Kevin Rescue" card whenever you need it ... I am holding a "rescue raincheck" with your name on it ... should it ever become needed.... or wanted.
OK ... enough random posting. I'm off to belt out showtunes in my underwear! WOO-HOO!
8:29 PM
Sunday, October 12, 2003
I'm going to break two rules right here with this post. Two blog rules that I have. One, I never put more than one post on in one day. I hate the way it seperates them with the time - looks like all one big entry. And the second is that I never type anything on here that's specifically for someone to read...
But I'm breaking those rules just a little bit ... For one day only... to share some words of wisdom. Not my wisdom ... but wisdom nonetheless:
Bunnnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes! They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses. And what's with all the carrots?... What do they need such good eyesight for anyways?... Bunnies! Bunnies, it must be bunnies!!!...
...Or maybe midgets.
My point?... Along with all the sad, there is also happy. There's funny. There's joy. For every lost moment, there is one that feels so right. And those are the ones that give us something to wake up for in the morning.
Sometimes, we walk through the fire - just to get to the bunnies.
Bunnies, it must be bunnies!
2:00 PM
It's been a while since I've posted ... yikes! Almost a week! This week has actually been rather eventful. Not on any sort of "boy" "relationship" "dating" or penis related topics... but actually, at work. Big drama is a brewin' ...
But wait! Before that story... I must post about my father's visit to Portland yesterday.
Now, some background - I haven't seen my father in quite a while. Over a year... and he hasn't seen me since I've been here, and working - and kind of standing on my own two feet. He came into Denny's yesterday for lunch ... met my boss, and some of my co-workers, took some pictures of me waiting tables (DORK!) and ate a Chicken Melt. It was a good visit... Then last night, he came over to the house and met Kate, my roomie. Afterwards, I walked him down to the Old Port, and we stopped at Margaritas, where he had his first margarita ever. Ah, the silly deprived parents of yesteryear.
It was a nice visit... Nothing extraordinary or exciting... but it felt nice to take my dad out... It's been a while.
OK - now onto the work drama! Tuesday morning, I arrive to work - and "Broomhilda" (I'm protecting the names of the bitchy - so that shall be my nasty co-worker's blog name) is all in a tizzy. It seems that one of the overnight cooks greeted her with a story. A gentleman had come in the night before and introduced himself as the new General Manager of our store. He went on to say that Lisa (our current GM) was going to move to the Congress Street Denny's (the one SOOO much closer to my house - that I haven't tried to transfer to because of my fondness for Lisa, our GM) He further explained that at his last store (somewhere in Connecticut) he took over, and instantly fired his entire staff and started from scratch. What a great first impression for a new GM to make, huh?
Well "Broomhilda" was angry, and ready to confront Lisa as soon as she walked in the front door. Word spread around to the minimal staff we had on that early, and by the time Lisa finally walked in the back door, there were a horde of vultures waiting to confront her. (From what I understand, Broomhilda greeted her with "Aren't you at the wrong store Lisa?")
Well, we were also short one cook that morning ... and one waitress had called in. So we were a bit crazy... I had a rather large section, and was doing fairly well ... except that I happened to take one gentleman's order, and get sidetracked before putting it into the computer. I realized the error about 10 minutes later and went over to the gentleman, apologized and said I would have his order out to him shortly and I was very sorry.
He seemed fine, and I went back to tell the cooks (my favorite people in the WHOLE world ... I say, dripping with sarcasm) ... The cook asks me what table it's for ... I say "Table 8" ... The cook laughs.
Now when the cooks laugh, it generally means bad things for me.
Indeed... the gentleman who I'd kept waiting 15 minutes, by now, for his French Slam was none other than the man who had just a few hours before introduced himself as the new "Hanging GM" ...
YIKES! ... *sigh* Well, I recovered, and got his food out ... in the end, he left me $3.00 tip on a $5.00 meal ... I'm not sure whether this was a sign that he understood that these things happen - or whether this was his version of severance pay... Time will tell I suppose.
Of course, the idea is in my head now that I'd like to move to Congress St. Denny's... It's so much closer, would give me an extra hour of sleep in the morning ... and since Lisa is moving there, it would be great to move with her.
I'm waiting till she's gotten a little more used to what's going on and has a gameplan of her own, before seriously talking to her about this. In the meantime, I've picked up a few shifts there this week, since they were short-handed. I work graveyard there tonight, and I've never done a graveyard shift before - so I'm kind of excited about it.
Lisa says she's going to be at our store for a while yet, as she has to train the new manager and finish up odds and ends there... She says she wants to make it an easy transition but plans to make it clear to this new man that until she leaves her keys in that office for the last time, that SHE is the GM and it's HER store. I love this woman - she's got balls of steel!
It turned out that day was full of ironies. Just as I had punched out to go on my break, there was a to-go order that no one had time for - so I crawled out of the break room and took it... it was a rather big order, but I put it in and then went back to eat my breakfast.
"Kevin - your to-go is here!" I hear Caroline shout from out front. I go out to tend to the customer, and of course, the boy there to pick it up is Jason ... a boy I had gone out with for a little while when I first came to Portland, but who things hadn't nescesarily ended well with ... A little on his part, a little on mine.
I smiled... we exchanged pleasantries... I gave him his food. He paid the bill, and tipped me $5.00 ... I couldn't help but wondering if this was because he understood... or if it was HIS version of severance pay...
11:31 AM
Monday, October 06, 2003
I guess what goes around comes around.
I met a boy, when I had first come to Portland. He was a very cool boy... but I knew the place my head was in then ... I blew him off, all be it not intentionally... or purposefully, maybe is a better word. But I didn't make the best effort. He seemed to really like me though ... and I guess that my blowing him off hurt him enough. Once my brain was in a better place, I initiated contact with him again ... and eventually, decided that I was going to make a real effort to see what was possibly missed there.
Finally tonight we went out to dinner... it was awkward and conversation didn't exactly flow. After dinner, we stood in the parking lot for a bit of time, trying to kill the awkwardness ... I almost tried to kiss him at one point, but he moved, in what seemed like anticpation - so I didn't try further.
The awkwardness went away as we drove around town ...and I started to feel comfortable. I saw the door opening again and I was thinkin "Hey, maybe we'll get this right this time." He dropped me off, and I opted against trying a goodnight kiss. I figured that I wanted to try to do it right this time, if I was going to try again with him ... and maybe a kiss would happen on the second date. I got out of the car, and walked upstairs feeling optimistic....
I send him an IM when I sit down at my computer, saying that I had a nice night...and mentioning the attempted kiss. A few minutes later he comes back to his computer... he responds with:
"I knew you wanted to kiss me...but the reason i moved out of the way was because unfortunately i don't feel anything for you that way...and i didn't want to get into a situation like last time where anyone gets led on...one mistake a lifetime on that one..."
I guess what goes around comes around.
It's funny ... all this silliness with these Portland boys... I dunno ... it's weird, because the one boy that runs through my head so often is Teddy. I've talked to him lately, and he sent me the coolest song tonight... "Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional (accoustic version) ... really killer song ... really killer boy ... a boy in Florida ... Why do I think about a Florida boy so much?... Kate and I talked about it the other night ... It's similar to her and Adam ... didn't live up to it's potential... I think I'll listen to this song while I crash ... it makes me sad, but happy ... lol
I guess what goes around comes around.
11:38 PM
Sunday, October 05, 2003
I'm about to see someone I haven't seen in probably 6 or 7 years.
A friend of mine from my early NYC days, Tim. He was a casual aquaintance... a bar friend... a sometimes late night rendezvous ... and a really cool guy. Well oddly enough, he happens to live in Maine now ... and I happened to run into him in a chat room. I recognized him instantly, and we've been chatting for a while ... planning for him to come to Portland for a visit ...
And indeed today is the day ... he should be here momentarily, so I had to prep the house ... make it look cute and all that other good stuff... OK, so maybe I did a little prepping to myself too ... hehehe Oh well!
Anyway... so I'm kind of excited about it. Not really sure why... no real expectations out of it... just the chance to see somebody I haven't seen in a really long time ... and who knows?
I like those kind of things in my life lately... things for which I have no expectations, but for which anything could happen ...
OK, so I've been smoking before I wrote this ... hehehe ... C'est la vie!
5:08 PM
Friday, October 03, 2003
Well ... the last time I posted Rich and "Seymour" were off to the mall. They came back a little while later, and we started drinking and preparing to go out. It was rather obvious at this point that they probably had a little "somethin" goin' on ...
Now, I realize that I'm the one who has the issue here. I realize that I'm the neurotic fool who couldn't handle the boy I still liked, gettin' it on with my ex-boyfriend. None of those points are lost on me ... but apparently, it was lost on them. As was the concept of loyalty. I don't know ... I just don't think, that if a friend tells you that they're going to feel hurt if you sleep with ONE person, who you're probably never going to see again, that it's such a big thing to not sleep with that ONE person. Perhaps it's because I'm a libra... because I'm an overly-sensitive person ... perhaps it's just cause I'm a freak. Could be any of those things ... but I would have chosen my friends feelings, over some dick.
But they didn't. The old me probably would have pouted, thrown a hissy fit and then forgotten the whole thing. The new me however... I pout, throw a hissy fit and then decide that these people are no longer welcome in my life.
I know I talk a lot about my "new life" ... and Rich mocked that quite a bit while he was here... Perhaps another reason why I feel as though he's no longer someone I can have in my life. I take where I'm at right now very seriously. Yeah, I'm working at Denny's, and living in Maine ... big deal right?... To me it is! To me, it's a huge step from the drugged out, helpless, completely dependent person I was when I was sitting in Florida. I have a long way to go ... for sure - but I'm going there. I've taken steps... I'm taking more ... I'm FAR from any sort of finished product. I'm definitely a "work-in-progress" if you will ... but goddammit if I'm going to let people keep me down. I have a choice about who is in my life now. Gone are the days when crackheads just show up at my apartment and flop down for weeks at a time... while I sit in my bedroom wondering how to get them out.
Gone are the days with a trip to western union 2 or 3 times a week to get money from dad. Gone are the days when I feel like I'm not capable of anything more than what I'm doing right now. And gone are the days when people who don't care about my feelings still call me friend. Screw that, and screw them.
After I posted on Tuesday, we all headed out. Rich (slightly intoxicated) let out a slip of the tongue about "Seymour's" nipples being big. I don't know ... maybe it wasn't a slip of the tongue - maybe it was Rich's usual "try to get to me" thing... either way, "Seymour" does have big nipples... lol - and obviously Rich had seen them. I was annoyed... then, as we were walking, "Seymour" decided "Hey, let's go to Blackstones instead of Somewhere." I was all about showing Rich "Somewhere" and didn't know if he was completely being serious anyway, so I was like "No, come on! We're going to Somewhere like we planned." "Seymour" made the turn to go to Blackstones ... I kept walking towards Somewhere... and Rich followed "Seymour" ... of course.
They never showed up at "Somewhere" that night and I drank myself into a pretty decent stupor. When I arrived home that night, Rich's things were gone from the apartment. I passed out.
The next morning I was awakened by pounding at the door... Rich had forgotten his wallet. I probably wouldn't have seen him before he left, had he not... and I guess I would have been fine with that too ... He made an attempt to say goodbye, but I looked away and just grunted a goodbye to him.
It's a rather sad ending to a relationship that has gone through so many ups and downs... so much good and bad... so much love and hate. But I think it finally was an ending. Endings are always sad to me ... even the ones that I know are nescesarry... But the thing about endings ... they always lead to new beginnings.
4:50 PM
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
It's been a while since the last post. My birthday has come and gone. I'm now officially 27 years old. GOD, I feel old. I've always thought I look younger than my age, but today at a bar, the bartender carded everyone, and when I said I didn't have mine, he said "That's alright, you're ok." OUCH! I was crushed. Luckily the drink he brought me helped cheer me up. LOL - they always do, huh?
Well "Seymour" and I headed to NYC on Friday morning. I had asked him one favor before we left. "Don't sleep with Rich! It'd make me feel weird." LOL - bad, bad call. LOL - well a bad call to let the two trollops hang out in the first place if I was worried about my feelings. It was an interesting weekend that's for sure.
We went out to the Duplex (my 2'nd favorite NYC piano bar) on Friday night, where my good NY friends Kristina, Samara and Scott came to meet up with us. Scott is my ex, who played Frank-N-Furter in Rocky Horror, and whom I dated for almost a year. He and I ended up making out half of the night at the Duplex. He got me back to the hotel safely, but I don't remember much after that. He says he was a gentleman and just stayed the night next to me. Which was good, cause Rich and "Seymour" had disappeared shortly after midnight, and didn't return until noon the next day. Their official story was something about a man from the bar, his hotel room and lots of alcohol. It certainly helped cure me of that silly little "I like Seymour" thing... I'm not sure if that's fair or not ... but as I've certainly learned, feelings aren't always fair, now are they?
Rich came back to Portland with us, and he's been here for a day or two ... he's spent more time with Eric than with me ... and at first that bothered me ... it bothered me that he was being so mean to me... that I was so proud of how I'm doing, and all he could see was what was wrong with things. But then I realized... that's Rich's issue, not mine. I'm so happy with where I'm at and where I'm going ... and I'm not going to let anyone take that away from me. He wins the little battles. When he says something hurtful, and for a second I take it to heart. But in the end, he's losing. Cause all he's doing is making me question if he should be a part of the new life I'm trying to make for myself. I know he doesn't mean to be how he is all the time ... but I don't need to take these things anymore.
I don't mean to paint it all bad... It has been so good to see him. I guess that's why I'm hurt... I was so excited about having him here... and that makes his hatefulness even more hurtful.
Jamie called me on my birthday since he couldn't make it in person ... I understood. And we had a good conversation, and he was the only one who pointed out to me that it was MY birthday, and that I wasn't selfish for wanting the day to be mine. And that it should have been ... It would have been if he had been there. That made me realize two things.
1.) My brithday would have been so much better if my best friend was there.
2.) That just makes me really lucky to have such a great best friend ... and he'll be at the next birthday.
Rich leaves tommorrow, and we're all supposed to go out tonight. He and Eric are at the mall currently... He and I havent' really spent any time alone together. Not to talk or hang out ...
Anyway ... I'm headed to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine ... wine from a box - I've never tried it before. I love firsts...
Happy Belated Birthday To Me! ;)
7:17 PM
Sunday, September 21, 2003
Word finally came from Jamie a few days ago. He and Seth finally arrived in Arizona, and all is well there. They have a lovely pink adobe house (make me vommit! ;) and there's a palm tree outside their window. He seems excited about it, and no one appears to be dead yet. I suppose all is well there for now. I doubt he's going to make it to NYC for my birthday ... I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about that yet. I'll understand it totally, but probably feel pretty sad about it that day. Rich will be there, which will be fucking killer. I guess I was just hoping this would be the birthday I'd be surrounded by all the important people... to celebrate one that really matters. Oh well ... in spirit at least...
"Seymour" and I hung out last night... we had a fun day/evening that started with a trip to the dollar store, where I bought him a pink sailor hat that he didn't take off for the rest of the day. Dollar store pink hats, shopping cart rides through parking lots, roaming around searching for late night parking spots, having a squirt bottle war that ends with tie died t-shirts, trandom mall visits ... things that make me feel chemistry with him. I don't think I'm imagining that, at least. I think he feels at least that too. He doesn't seem to want anything serious at all ... He seems to have a lot of issues. But yet... I think he feels like I'm feeling some of the times... when we're doing these silly crazy things together and laughing... I'll look at him, and it almost looks like the same look that I'm giving him ... And I don't wanna screw up the friendship, by clinging on to "what could have been" ... but what if it's really "what could be..."? Then what?!...
He's coming with me on the big NYC birthday trip next weekend. I'm so excited... going to go see Kelly Ripa's sitcom taping ... then going out for drinks after. Some "Don't Tell Mama", some "Crazy Nanny's", some "Duplex" ... some Ben, Kristina, Tim, Scott, James ... so many places and people I wanna see... and show off. And getting to see Rich again now that I'm in a better place, also a big bonus.
The birthday is coming... 6 days and counting...
7:06 PM
Monday, September 15, 2003
Someone said something to me yesterday that got me thinking. They said that I seem to hop from guy to guy a lot ... I've had this pointed out to me before, and there's an explanation that's very simply. It sounds a lot like a random excuse, but it's as genuine as it gets. When I find a guy I like, I tend to put my best effort into seeing if it could work there. If they don't return this, or for some reason it ends within a relatively short period of time, I move on. I try not to dwell to much on what could have been ... especially with these semi-dating relationships that are over almost as quickly as they have begun. However, in thinking about this, I decided I'd give my dear blog readers an update on what's been going on with some of the various boys that I've mentioned recently.
JUSTIN- The boy who made the comment to me to begin with... I met Justin on July 4'th and we hung out off and on till I went back to Florida. When I got back, things were confusing and I backed off before seeing what could be pursued there. I've tried recently to re-establish contact and see what was up there, but he seems apprehensive (to say the least) and I don't know that I have enough fight in me to pursue something there.
ERIC (with a c)- Well ... he's told me he loves me... (SIDENOTE: just as I started typing about him, my cell phone rang and it's him - I'm going to wait and call him back when I'm done writing) ... Anyway ... he told me he loves me... yet we hardly spend any time together. This is a relationship that started, but seems to have fizzled out. He makes some efforts, but they feel like efforts. If that makes any sense... Also, there are other things that have recently come to my attention that he and I need to discuss. Not sure what's goin on here....
ERIK (with a K, but not really/aka-"Seymour) - This seemed to have a lot of potential at the beginning. A super guy, who definitely hides a lot of himself for protective reasons. But super smart, very charismatic... and there was definite chemistry there. A few nights out drinking with me, however, led him to tell me that he thinks that we would work better as friends then in any sort of dating thing. The friendship seems to have fizzled, as I haven't heard much from him in the past week... with the exception of one late night visit he paid with "The Thing With Hair" Nick ... He was drunk, and I was sober. And I wanted so badly to take advantage of that drunken stupor. But not in the way you think... not to sleep with him or anything... but to talk to him about whether or not there really was still any sort of window open ... whether or not his opinion was still evolving... But I didn't ask. And he hasn't returned my phone calls since that night.
WILL - (OK, I haven't yet blogged about this one) A cute boy was at one of my tables a few weeks ago and I was flirty. Through conversation while delivering food and checking back, I came to the conclusion that he was a mo. (turns out only half mo) So I slipped him my number with the check. We've hung out a few times... and the boy has issues. That's for certain... he has baggage... But he's an interesting person. We spent a nice evening sitting on the pier talking one night... Potential, but could be quite a stressful road ...
There are a few other assorted characters, but these seem to be the major players as of late... There is of course James, by ex from NYC who I talk to every few weeks...and open up that emotional treasure chest. And Rich ... who although he is an ex, and now a close friend... still counts as one of the "men in my life" ... And of course, the most important of all - my best friend Jamie... who 7 days later, has yet to check in from either the road, or from Arizona.
*sigh* If I have to get on another goddamned airplane - SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET IT!...
...and these are the gays of our lives!
5:44 PM
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Two of my closest friends are weighing heavily on my mind today. In two very different ways.
Jamie (and Seth) should have reached Arizona on Friday evening. They promised they would call when they got there... and 48 hours after their scheduled ETA, they have not. I'm worried and a list of things that could have happened to them Many scenarios are playing through my mind, not the least of which is that they drove in front of oncoming traffic in order to avoid the billionth car argument. UGH - J, when you read this blog you better have already talked to me and not be sitting in some chic little coffee shop in Tuscon ... or is that a contradiction in terms? I'm not really sure... Hmm.
My other dear friend who I'm thinking about is Rich. As I'm typing this, he's confirming his plane ticket to New York for my birthday weekend. It's going to be a cool weekend I hope. I feel I really have something to celebrate this birthday, and him being there will make it all come full circle. I'm so excited to see him, to spend the weekend in NYC ... to bring him here to Portland to see my life here...and the town ... and what I'm making of myself. GOD, it's always all about me isn't it?... Well let's see... him. Yes, I'm very much looking forward to seeing him too. And to spending time with him again, as it's been longer than I think I realize sometimes since we've been in the same room, let alone actually hung out and had one of our talks.
The hope is still there that Jamie will make it in time for my birthday as well. He promised he would try his hardest to be in NYC that weekend for me... I know he will do his best.
I'm stoned, so I think I might cut this post a little short.
Tonight is the summer finale of Sex and the City... It's one of the first ones Jamie and I won't have watched together in a long time. It was our Sunday night tradition since I've been in Portland. I think I'll be watching it alone tonight...
But sometimes alone is ok.
7:48 PM
Friday, September 12, 2003
Jamie's gone. They left Monday afternoon, as they had been planning. I wasn't surprised by this. I believed them when they made the decision. It's sad in ways, but perhaps hopeful in others. Jamie and I had the sad goodbye I expected...I Cried, and reminded him that I loved him, that he had done a lot for me in helping me to get out of the miserable life I was in ... and told him that I would always be there for him no matter what. We pinky sweared on it, he got in the SUV and Kate, Alan Wilbur and I sung "Hakuna Matata" as the car drove away.
I'd asked "Seymour" to be there for a shoulder to cry on ... he basically let me know that he wasn't the right shoulder. Emotional situations aren't his strong suit.
I hadn't seen him for a few days, until just now. He and "the thing with hair" (who I almost wanted to flirt with tonight) came over and hung out for a few hours. What bugs me is that I see potential with "Seymour" ... he said he's decided that basically it's just a friend thing. But... I feel like there's still a chance there... and I don't know if that's wishful thinking, or perhaps a window I should look through, before it definitely closes. I feel that no matter which way I chose to look at it, it will turn out being the other.
There's a chemistry there though I think. Not just like "sexual chemistry" ... but that fun spark that two people have when there's something there just a bit beyond friendship.
He was drunk tonight, and I was sober... so I suppose that could have had something to do with it. I still think there's more, but the question is am I willing to risk a possibly good friendship, to look into a relationship that may or may not be possible.
I don't really know yet I guess.
I'm blogging for the first time on my brand new computer .. YAY! A bit of independence there for sure... and the cable (we get every channel now) and the road runner are in my name. I'm feeling like a real person again ... slowly.
But there are still things... things that it's hard to figure out alone.
I miss my best friend, and it's only been a few days....
3:39 AM
Sunday, September 07, 2003
In roughly 12 hours, my best friend Jamie is going to get in a rented S.U.V and leave Maine, headed towards Arizona with his boyfriend Seth. I have mixed emotions about this, which I will try to doccument here, under the influence of a few beers.
The past few weeks, since I learned about their impending move have been rough on me. I've basically tried to put it in the back of my head that my best friend is leaving, and present it to others as "I'm getting my own bedroom finally." I knew that the last night and the day that is yet to come were going to be hard on me.
But there I go making it about me again ... and it's really not. It will become about me at 8:31 tommorrow morning when they are gone... but for now it's about him. He seems torn between doing what he has committed to, and doing what he is uncertain that he should or shouldn't do. I'm not sure how to advise him as his best friend. He made a committment, and as a person I feel he needs to stick to that, as someone else (who I have come to grow very fond for) is counting on him for that. But I'm not sure Jamie believes this is the right choice for him. It's hard to tell how much of that is last minute jitters, and how much is a true feeling that this may be a bad decision. Because I have no crystal ball, I don't really know what to tell him - other than to give him my support in what he has decided to do.
I see the indecision in his eyes... and it's hard to know what to tell him, when I can't for certain say what is going to be a happier future for him. He knows he has a safety net here... as he has always provided one for me. I love him more than anyone else in my life... he's truly my best friend in the world, and I would do anything that he needed in a heartbeat.
I guess I'm torn, because right now I don't know what he needs. Or perhaps I know what he needs, but not what he wants. And at what point do you decide which is better for your friend?
We had the first real part of our goodbye tonight in a bathroom at a quaint tavern in the Old Port. He left our table looking sad and I followed him in. He came out of the stall, and we just hugged. We hugged for about 2 minutes, and then he asked me if I would be his best friend no matter what. I extended my pinky, for my vow of honor - and it was established: he will always have me there for him - whatever the future holds.
I choked back tears as I told him that I really do think that Seth is a good man ... that I do think that he has good intentions. I'm just not sure (from my own and other's experiences) that good intentions always mean good experiences.
Seth walked in, putting the end to the first of what will probably be a few tearful goodbyes.
At the end of the night, I walked outside to see Joanna (another dear friend of his, who I have also become close to since arriving in Maine) crying as she said her goodbyes.
We've all said goodbye to Jamie before... why is this one tearful? What makes this move so sad for us? For hiim?... Is it because we think it might be a good one, and permanent?... Or because we fear something worse?... I wish to God I knew the answer to that, so that I could step in one way or the other ... either in support, or in adamant opposition.
I need to hold off my own emotions till he is gone... he is too in doubt for me to cloud it with my own feelings. I must be the friend he has always been to me, and think only of him right now... My time for crying and "me, me, me" is tommorrow ... and hopefully I will have people around me to help me with that... But tonight, when he and Seth arrive back from their walk home and I help them pack the rest of their things... tonight, it has to be about them. About Jamie. About my best friend.
I hope fate, or God, or astrology or something shows me what message to send with him before he gets in that S.U.V. tommorrow... I know he'd have the right things to say to me... I just need to muster them up for him.
Grant me the wisdom...
9:55 PM
Thursday, September 04, 2003
So I'm supposed to be getting ready right now ... I have to be at Margarita's to meet Jamie and Joanna at 6 ... that's in 15 minutes. But I felt a sudden urge to blog. I had a rough, but good (money wise) day at work today ... my best so far actually. It feels so good to have money in my pocket again ... and be able to do what I want, basically when I want. Having responsibility again feels good, although it's certainly much different from the days of call times and hair and make-up calls. But, this hopefully will lead me back there.
Tonight is sort of a going away dinner, drinks night for Jamie... He and Seth leave on Monday. Certainly the day before and the day after will hold some rather tragic, sad blogs... and no doubt the days themselves will hold many tears. I keep trying to focus on the fact that I'm now going to have a bedroom ... that's what I call their departure day. The day I get my own room. This is of course, only on the surface as I am kind of avoiding dealing with the actual issue.
It's been so wonderful to be living in the same city with Jamie again ... and of course we will again ... but ... for a while - 6 months if they indeed follow through with their plan, is about how long it is scheduled for.
"Seymour" and I had a conversation last night. He told me that he basically didn't see a future for us dating, but that definitely a close friendship was going to be the way to go. I agree about the friendshio... I guess I saw the possibility of a dating future, but thankfully have kept myself from letting that become too important to me, because I kinda saw this coming. He's a wonderful, wonderful boy ... and I have so much fun with him. He told me that "my personality wasn't what he was looking for in a boyfriend" but perfect for a good friend. We had this conversation online, then he came over to hang out with me... I assume because he knew I was probably sad and needed a friend. Truly good people this one... It's hard to not regret that this wonderful boy didn't think there couldbe more there... It's hard not to wonder what it is about me that makes people love me so much in one way ... but so seldom in another.
I tell myself all the things Dr. Phil says I should... that I'm good people.... that there's someone out there for me... that it's not that there's anything wrong with me. I tell myself these things... but myself doesn't always listen.
I have to work in the AM, so not gonna let it be too late of a night ... must behave, must behave...
And to quote the lovely Carrie Bradshaw "Must not end up old maid... must not end up old maid."
When in doubt, quote Sex and the City....That's my motto.
5:58 PM
Saturday, August 30, 2003
So it's been almost a week since I've updated this... It's been a fairly interesting week, although nothing earthshattering.
I've been hanging out with, and getting to know Erik with a k. The only problem is that I've discovered his name isn't actually spelled with a K, it's also spelled with a C. So now I'm stuck trying to think of a new Blog name for him. I've decided to settle on Seymour for no real reason. It just sounds fun ...
So ... Seymour and I have been hanging out ... and he's actually very cool. He said that he isn't good at calling people back, a habit I intend to break him of, should anything with us turn into more than a passing fancy. He has the most beautiful eyes and smile I have ever seen... he's very guarded and careful but also very funny and charming. I have a good time hanging out with him.
I spent the night Wedsneday night and then Thursday morning we got up, went to brunch, went to the mall, tanned, hung out ... and then met up with Jamie and Joanna for Joanna's birthday celebration. We had a good time, and he seemed to get along well with them. It was sad in a way, cause it will be one of the last times that Jamie, Jo and I all go out together for a while at least. But it was a good night. I got a bit too intoxicated, but word is Eric handled me pretty well, and even stayed the night here with me. Good people to be sure.
He came into my work today with his friend and hung out ... then took me home. We're going to a party toninght that the cool chick from work is having. It's her birthday.
Joanna called last night from Old Orchard Beach around 11, to tell us that she was engaged! Her boyfriend had propsed to her on her birthday ... wow, romance truly can work out, huh? CONGRATULATIONS JOANNA! I luv ya!
I need to do some laundry, and rest up before this party tonight, as I fear it might have me up most of the night... well, if luck is on my side it will.
That's about all the posting I have in me today ... Smell ya later everyone!
5:18 PM
Sunday, August 24, 2003
Alright folks ... yesterday we had a rather sad, touching blog entry. Today's is going to be a little more "dishy" so to speak. There's a story (it has nothing to do with a lovely lady) ... and it's a rather intricate story ... involving 2 people with one name, and people with another name... and I like to call this little story today's installment of "The Gays Of Our Lives" ...
So Friday night, after being stood up by Eric, I decided to finally meet and hang out with this guy who I have talked to online for a while who seems nice enough and also lives right down the street. He came over to watch TV, and ended up falling asleep here. We had talked and hung out a little before he passed out and I thought, "Wow - this guy is kind of groovy." To make things more confusing his name is also Erik. (Erik with a K though, not with a C) So Erik with a k tells me that since I've never been to Ogunquit before, that I should go with him on Saturday night. I think "Wow, neat... I get to go to this silly little gay party town with this kewl boy I just met - sounds like good times..." So I plan, and I'm all excited about it. Eric with a c stops by Saurday afternoon for all of 5 minutes, but seems very distant... I start to think I should just let this go, even though he told me the other night he loves me. He was drunk, and he may have said it - but I don't think he felt it. So I get all gussied up to go out ... the weather has gotten cold again, so I can wear some of my more favorite outfits. Well, then this boy named Nick IM's me. Now history on Nick: I used to talk to him online ... and it turns out he was also talking to Eric with a c online too... which we discovered while chatting one night. They had hung out, but I'm not sure if there was any interest beyond that ... as Nick was rather elusive. Well out of the blue, Nick IM's me and asks me if I know Erik with a K, cause they were supposed to go to Ogunquit that night and he lost his # ... Right then, I should have resolved myself to a night of movies at home and some Papa John's ... But instead I saw the positive, and decided I'd get to meet groovy Nick as well ... I fished for information, and Nick said there was nothign between him and Erik with a K ... they had just met and were friends... that's all.
So... Erik shows up really late to get me, and as I walk to the car - I see that it's packed with people. Some girly looking boy in the front seat with REALLY long hair (I later discovere his name is also Nick, he works with Erik with a k and is just coming out of the closet) ... a girl in the back seat named Ann, and the infamous Nick. I hadn't known all these people were going, or I would have put myself more in party group mode then in "excited to hang out with some boy named Erik with a K mode" ... But I try to make the best of it ... they all seem fairly groovy.
Erik with a k doesn't talk to me too much throughout the night... or maybe that's just how I feel... I keep wondering if he's interested in girly Nick, as he seems to spend most of his attention on him ... I constantly seek attention throughout the night, like the little attention whore I can be sometimes...and I get little of it...
On the way home, the group chat turns to sex... and somehow to cuddling where Nick (from online) mentions that Erik with a K is a good cuddler ... I shoot him a look as he had said that nothig like that ever happened with them... I decide since I'm a little toasty and in a rather bitchy mood to comment. I say "Oh, I thought you wouldn't have known that..." I give him a glare. I continue: "I think he's an ok cuddler... I've had better." SIGH ... Kevin, Kevin, Kevin ... Silly silly boy!
The others fairly ignore this exchange, and I ask Erik with a K if he wants to stay at my place that night and hang ... he says he doesn't know ... I keep kinda grabbing him from the back seat... nudging his side.. being playful. And when you do that to someone in a group, they're supposed to subtley acknowledge you with a look .. a glance... a funny smile... it's your little private thing ... But no... each time I do it he publicly says something ... I take this to be a bad sign.
The party wagon cruises down th3e highway and I doze off... I wake up with the car parked in front of my building. Everyone else is still in the car. I was the first to be dropped off. I take this as a bad sign.
I walk upstairs ready to bitch about such things and I see Jamie lying on the couch and Kate in the kitchen on the computer. "Jamie ..." I call out.
I look closer. "Jamie?" I ask again, now uncertain.
I walk closer.
Eric with a c is passed out on the couch.
"How did he get here?" I ask Kate.
"He came over to see you, and passed out waiting... I think he threw up tonight ... take care of him."
I do.
...And these are the Gays Of Our Lives...
12:42 PM
Saturday, August 23, 2003
3 years ago I was going through a very rough time in my life. A lot of personal issues were engulfing me and I was a very depressed young man. My friend Dyana, who I had known since our teen years in PA had suggested "Hey, why don't you come to Florida and live here for a while... you and I can have such a good time and then when you're back to your old self, you can go back to New York City." This sounded like a good idea at the time ... or more to the point, sounded like a good escape at the time.
A week after I had been there, she met this boy whom she began dating. One month later she broke the news to me that she was moving with him up north. I was in bad shape, wounded, and in a new place where I had no job, friends or for that matter anything solid. She left, and I started on the path that led me to 3 years of pain, drugs, sex, new experiences, jail and depression that became my Florida life. Ironically, I don't know if I would trade those experiences, because they taught me how strong I really am. I did meet Rich there, and my experiences with him shaped me a lot, and that's a person who will always be a part of my life and my heart. There were others who I still hold dear to me from Florida ... but it's a short list. But ... Iguess the biggie is that I also met Jamie in Florida. My best friend in the entire world. Something I wouldn't trade, even to clear away all of the bad that happened. You live you learn.
Now flash forward three years, to present day life. Jamie opens a door for me... gives me an oppurtinty to finally make the escape that I have been needing to make ... brings me to a place where I feel strong again. Where I have a job that I like and do well at ... a real beginning ... not an escape route.
The differences in these two moves is like night and day...
...that's why the other night, when Jamie took me out for margaritas to break some news to me, I didn't at all view it as the same situation.
In an effort to make a "firm go of his relationship", he and Seth have decided to go to Arizona for 6 months. They leave in 12 days.
My first reaction to this news was simple, and perhaps somewhat predictable if you know me well. I summoned the waitress over, asked for another margarita, a draft beer and a shot of tequilla. This was going to be no ordinary night out.
My second reaction was again selfish as I wondered (both silently at first, then aloud) "What about my birthday?"
Jamie says he won't miss it ... that he'll be on a plane to NYC and will spend it with me... I hope this happens. Not by his choice but by circumstance. This is a big one for me. Not because it's a round # ... but it feels like a liberating one... the begginning of a new year in my life that I think may hold lots of promise.
Selfishly, I'm going to miss the hell out of him. It was so wonderful to be living in the same city with him again after all this time. To have that rock here helped cement my place in this town. But that place does feel cemented. I don't "need Jamie"... I want him here... I want him around me ... I want to be there and around for him ... But I don't "need" him to be here.
I need for him to make a good choice. Unfortunately I find myself unable to advise him on this one. I see both good and bad to it... and I'm not sure if a final opinion from me woud just be based on selfish reasons, or would be able to be a clear view of things. And with that uncertainty, I can't offer a firm "Good idea" or "Bad idea" stamp.
All I can do is what he ALWAYS does for me... be there... support him ... and if he needs anything, give it to him.
I'm going to cry so hard that day... I know I will... Hell, I almost am now. But the person that I am finally becoming again, is a product of his friendship and assistance, mixed with my underlying spirit.
They offered for me to come with them. He said they made this decision with every intention of taking me with them if that's what I chose. But I don't want to leave where I'm at right now. I don't want to be somewhere else... I want to be on the road I'm on. I'll still have my best friend. He'll still have me. No amount of time or distance can or will ever change that.
You always think your soulmate is that person who you're supposed to fall in love with ... I think mine is my best friend ... and so, a little piece of my soul will go with him to Arizona, and stay with him until he returns. But the rest of me has a day job and just can't get the time off.
Much love to my best friend ... much love and luck to him ...
6:40 PM
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