A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Wednesday, March 23, 2005
I just had a moment in the kitchen, sitting here drinking a beer. A moment with my roommate Jack, that just finally summed up the thought I'd been trying to gather for a few days now.
You see, over the past few days, I've been cutting ties with a few friends, because I feel they're untrustworthy and not especially loyal. I've recieved similar responses from a few of them... "Do you think you're better than me?"
And I've responded "No." Because I don't feel as though I'm not a boy without sin. I make mistakes. I have indiscretions. I do things I don't like to brag about for reasons I'd never care to admit.
But ... I couldn't think of the rest of the way to express how I felt about myself.
Tonight after work, I came home and found Jack in the kitchen cooking breakfast sandwiches. He'd had a long night at work, and hadn't any money to go out for a beer.
"Come on!" I told him. "Let's go have one on me..."
Well on the way to the bar we'd bitched because some of our other roommates have been devouring Jack's food left and right. I eat a little thing here and there myself, and so I acknowledged that guilt to Jack. He shrugged it off, cause I wasn't his main target.
Later as I was sitting here in the kitchen, on the laptop chatting away ...Jack came in to say goodnight to me.
"Thanks for the beers." He said and squeezed my shoulder. "That's the difference between you and the rest of them. You give a shit."
And that's when I realized ... yeah, those people were right. I do think I'm better. Not because I don't make mistakes. Or not because sometimes I don't hurt somebody I care about. But because when I do ... I give a shit.
Thanks for the help on that one Jack!
3:39 AM
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
One of my favorite television shows these days is "Desperate Housewives." I think it's a fun nighttime soap that has an intensely intelligent sense of humor.
A recent episode featured Lynette, a mother of unruly children finding herself addicted to ADHD medicine.
Now a little background. Many people who take Ritalin, or Adderal, or any of the other incarnations of these drugs liken it a bit to the effect of crystal meth. "Tina" is the street name for crystal meth ... and it works in much the same way ... as a stimulant... The effects are the same. It makes one hyper, unable to sleep, and quite often easily able to accomplish various tasks.
Now, I've had my share of experience with "tina" ... I've used it casually. I have friends who use it casually. I know people who've had addiction problems. And ... yes, I've made the phone call to get it. "Tina" was always the code name.. and often times you'd find yourself asking your dealer "Is your sister Tina in town? I'd really like to hang out with your sister... does she have time?" Stuff like that... That's a typical phone conversation to get tina.
Now, that said... below is a transcript of a scene from "Desperate Housewives." I find it almost impossible that the person who wrote this scene (during which Lynette meets up with a mom she knows in the park, trying to score some Ritalin) did not write it with full knowledge of the information I've just detailed.
So ... especially for my Florida peeps... here's a transcript of exactly what happened in the park on this hillarious scene from "Desperate Housewives."
LYNETTE: (sitting on the bench) Hey Jordana.
JORDANA: Hey Lynette. How are you? (pause) You look a little tired. Is everything ok?
LYNETTE: Actually I'm getting ready for a dinner party tommorrow night. Six people.
JORDANA: Sounds fun.
LYNETTE: Big fun. Say, you wouldn't have any of your kids ADD medication that you could spare, just to get me over the hump?
(Suddennly, Jordana looks up into the playground, and points to an unseen child who is supposedly playing.)
JORDANA: (yelling loudly) TINA! (pause) Don't push your sister. Gosh Lynette, I'm running really low. I need all the energy I can get. My sister Elaine and her kids are flying in town for a week.
LYNETTE: Yeah that is exciting. I wish my sister would visit more often.
JORDANA: Yeah, sisters are great.
LYNETTE: Just three or four pills, I'm really hittin a wall here.
JORDANA: (with a total soccer mom smile) Yeah, the comedown can be a real bitch. I wish I could help.
LYNETTE: I'm not gonna forget about this Jordana.
JORDANA: What's that supposed to mean?
LYNETTE: It means comes girl scout cookie time, don't bother bringin around Tina. We won't be around.
(Lynette pushes her stroller out of the park, and storms off in a huff.)
I just love when television is clever. Who ever thought I'd hear 40 year old women on ABC saying "I wish my sister would visit more often..."? Clearly, Mickey Mouse would not approve.
7:19 AM
Monday, March 14, 2005
The batteries have been recharged. What an amazing week in NYC.
Spending time with my best friend for the first time in months, apartment hunting and job meetings were the order of business. But there was so much more then that. There was a celebrity bartending night at an Upper West Side bar called "Blondie's." My groovy actress/bartender friend Kristina and I showed up looking fabulous. Tony Danza and a bunch of soap stars were behind the bar, bartending in theory. Mostly they just posed for pictures pouring drinks they ended up guzzling down a minute later. I've never felt so out of place being in front of the bar. LOL - bet that's something no one ever thought they'd hear me say, huh?
Kristina and I got excited when karaoke started during the middle of the fund raiser. I was even more excited when I found out they had "my song" ... I sang, garnered some applause and then made my way to the VIP room with Kristina. The staff assumed from our apperance that we belonged back there, and so we spent the end of the event schmoozing it up with various soap people. One of my old "cohorts" from back in those days looked right past me when I waved hello across the room. She didn't even remember me.
That bummed me out a little, but the evening was about to get better when my dear friend Ben (who just directed a play that starred the "Dude, you're getting a Dell!" guy). He had trekked up to the Upper West Side to join us at the party and catch up on old times.
My friends were excited for my imminent return to the city. It made me feel as though I was definitely making the right decision. That it truly was time to come home.
Jamie met up with Ben and I later at the Duplex (my favorite piano bar in the village) and a crazy night of drinking continued. Jamie and Ben ended up hitting it off really well. I was psyched about that. Ben is an old, dear, wonderful friend. Actually Ben reminds me quite a bit of myself in many ways. It's nice to see two important people in my life hitting it off.
During the time I was in NYC, I found myself confident, less depressed, more on the top game then I've been in a really long time. They say that when you're truly happy, and not looking for something that it's usually then it finally comes to you.
I'm not sure if this old adage holds true today or not, but I must say I'm beginning to think it's possible.
Saturday night, at another outing at the Duplex with Jamie and Scott (the ORIGINAL "Sweet Transvestite" and the reason I ever got really into Rocky). I hadn't seen Scott in a long time, and was wondering how the night would go, given the long history between us. He leaned in to me a few times as we sat in the piano bar ... But something told me just not to get comfortable with him like that again. As wonderful as Scott is ...and as much as we may have changed, we're still not the right person for each other.
I'm finding a wisdom I didn't know I had. I'm finding the ability to look at someone and see whether or not they're good for me. Not whether or not they're "good." That's not what I mean. Or whether or not I like them. The truth is that I do meet boys I like a lot. And after further investigation, it usually ends up not working out when I sense something is missing.
Working on my second drink, the guy sitting on the other side of Scott caught my eye. He had a look of maturity to him that made me think he was near my age. His boyish face and warm smile were the first things I noticed about him.
Suddenly, there was eye contact. Eye contact with the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen. Wow.
"OK, I have to say something to him." I thought to myself.
It came to my attention that our group was bickering with the people sitting on the other side of us. They were bitchy because it was crowded and we were all pushed up against each other.
The boy with the eyes turned back towards me again.
This time I was ready to jump into action.
"Our neighbors over there hate us." I began. "We're not getting on your nerves too, are we?"
He flashed that winning smile again. "No, we don't hate you."
I pretended to breathe a large sigh of relief, then took the plunge.
"I'm Kevin." I offered.
"Brian." he said shaking my hand.
I held the next moment of eye contact just long enough to establish that I was flirting.
Now, there was some question amongst our group on whether or not Brian was gay or straight. My first impression was that he was straight ... but both Jamie and Scott said guy. It became apparent as he grooved along to the showtunes that he was gay. But I saw it as an opening.
"So, I have a bet going." I whispered to him. "You're either gonna win me five bucks or lose me five bucks."
"What's the bet?" he asked, sounding curious.
"Are you gay or straight?" I asked point blank, already suspecting the answer but enjoying the interaction immensely.
"I'm gay." he answered, sounding a bit embarassed.
"Well you just lost me 5 dollars then, thanks a lot!" I said, with my best flirtacious smile.
I haven't done this in forever, I was thinking. But... it's like riding a bike, right?
Not entirely like riding a bike, but I was doing alright. I got momentarily sidelined when I began to think Brian was hitting on Jamie. We generally try not to be the sort of best friends to compete over a guy ... so I suggested we go out for a cigarette.
"Dude, I think he's interested in you, not me." Jamie told me as we sucked down our Marlboro milds quickly so we could get inside, away from the cold and back to Brian.
I went back in deciding that there was some kinda vibe I was getting from this boy. Something I liked a lot ... and it was time to be a more active participant in my own life. I switched my power switch to "ON" and just started talking away.
As it turns out, Brian is a former high school english teacher who now works at a "Sylvan Learning Center" type place, but has aspirations towards doing something theatrical. He was showing his sisters friend a fun night out on the town, and she had great things to say about him.
"I have such a crush on him." I admitted to her when he excused himself to the restroom.
"He's a really, really nice guy." She told me.
Yeah, I sensed that. The thing is, there are very few of those out there. Posers certainly. But the real deal is quite rare.
When Brian came back, I continued chatting with him. We talked about a few things (gay marriage, politics, etc) that I have strong opinions about. I could see him looking somewhat impressed, if not with what I had to say at least the conviction with which I said it. He was "getting me", which not everyone does. Especially not early on.
The conversation turned to musicals, naturally considering we were in a piano bar that was playing them every other song.
"My two favorite showtunes are a little more obscure." I told him. "I'll be really impressed if you know them."
"Try me." he smiled again.
Everytime he smiled I could feel the butterflies, just starting to fly around a little in my tummy.
I told him my two favorite showtunes, both from "Songs For A New World." An "Avenue Q" song followed as third favorite.
He knew all three of them. I was definitely impressed.
At this point we managed to persuade the waitress to get up and sing "Stars and the Moon" and "There's a Fine, Fine Line."
"Sometimes I get emotional during this song," I opened up to him. "I'm gonna come sit next to you in case I need a hand to hold."
He smiled and made room for me to sit on the bench next to him. He put his arm around me as the waitress started singing ... we were holding hands by the end of her first song
We sang along with her, both knowing all the words. We'd connect and look at each other on certain lines ... the ones that spoke to both of us. It was an amazing night.
After her set, the lights came up. The night had flown by and it was 3:30 in the morning. His friends were leaving, and mine were also ready to go. I didn't want to say goodnight... and we talked about the idea of continuing the night further. In the end, good sense prevailed. There'd be plenty of time for getting to know each other. No need to rush things.
I gave him my cell phone number and then did something completely out of character. I asked for his in return. You see, generally if I give someone my number and they don't respond by offering theirs, I assume they aren't going to call, and insecure Kevin never asks for their number. I sensed there was something special about this guy, and I decided "Insecure Kevin" wasn't going to win this one. I explained this all to Brian, just deciding to be completely honest.
"So what are you saying?" he asked.
"I'm saying I want your phone number too."
He gave me his phone number.
More honesty spilled out of me. "I'll probably call and leave you a voice mail tonight. It's what I do when I meet somebody I like. And texts ... I'm big on texts. I'm a dork."
He smiled. The kind of smile that lets you know this is someone who thinks your dorkiness is cute. The butterflies were flyin around like crazy now. I looked at him and opened my mouth to say something. I chickened out at the last minute and closed my mouth again.
"What were you going to say?" he asked me.
I tried to convince him it was nothing, but he was insistent. I guess I still wanted to say it anyway, so I did.
"I was debating whether or not I should kiss you now, or wait till tommorrow when we hang out."
"Now is totally ok." he responded, not breaking our eye contact at all.
So there, in my favorite New York City piano bar, with my best friend Jamie and my ex-boyfriend Scott paying the check next to me, I shared my first kiss with Brian. It was a nice first kiss. Just right.
Jamie and Scott were ready to go, and it was time to say our goodbyes. We'd agreed to hang out the next day, and I told him I'd text him on my walk home.
"Oh! One more thing!" I said, turning back to him.
I kissed him again. He smiled. I looked at those adorable eyes one more time, smiled back at him and followed Jamie and Scott out of the bar.
Nothing moved too fast that first night with Brian. Nor did it the next two nights when we hung out. We saw went out for drinks, out to a movie, walking around the city, shopping ... We did a lot in the next few days when we hung out. I went from being nervous and uncomfortable and trying to impress him, to actually relaxing and enjoying the mutual process of getting to know each other.
It's far too early to know where it will go ... I know that. And that's part of what makes it great. But I'm optimistic in a way I'm not often when I meet a boy. I'm optimistic because I've just met this smart, funny, charming and completely adorable guy who I'm excited to get to know and spend more time with.
I feel like I'm approaching a new phase in my life. I took a break in my mid-twenties to go and fuck around for a little while. I take from that a world of experiences both good and bad. But those experiences have shaped the adult that I feel I'm finally becoming. I'm definitely going through the next evolution in my life ... It's not going to be the same life I had in NYC before. And I go into it knowing that. In many ways I'm starting from scratch. But I'm not intimidated. I'm excited... I'm excited to take a journey that will end with me settling into what I feel is going to be the real beginning to my adult life.
Perhaps I've met the guy who will eventually fit into the "adult relationship" I see myself desiring, even now. It's a possibility. And it's exciting.
Perhaps a writing job will open up doors for me and allow me the freedom to create some of my own projects. It's a possibility. And it's exciting.
Perhaps I'll take on a project. My best friend is taking his first job in television, and wants me to show him what I know. Perhaps he'll find his passion with this big move also. Perhaps we will rule New York City as the fabulous creatures we are. It's a possibility. And it's exciting.
Perhaps I'll start spending time with my old friends again. The people who were such an important part of my first time in NYC. Perhaps it'll be easier then I think to just slip back into my friends lives. It's a possibility. And it's exciting.
I'm happy. I'm happy because for the first time in a long time, life is full of so many possibilities. And it's fucking exciting.
2:45 PM
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