A somewhat regularly updated accuont of my nutty life!
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Monday, April 11, 2005
The main theme of the past few weeks has been procrastination, therefore I find it fitting that I'm writing my last entry here from New York City, when I'd actually planned to write it in Portland, on my last "official" night there.
But indeed, I am me. Packing didn't happen until the day before I left. Even the flight my roommate booked for me wasn't actually ticketed until practically the 11'th hour.
I'd made such a big deal out of wanting to have a going away party. I'd planned to do it at Somewhere Else on a Thursday karaoke night... Once again I procrastinated finalizing things for it till the night of. I also managed to call into work that night because of too much partying and too many things going on in my head. Angry at myself for that, and depressed cause no one was coming to my going away party, I almost stayed home. But then I took a deep breathe and said to myself: "Self! Who cares if anyone shows up? This is about you! And if you have to go there and stand all by yourself and force yourself to have a good time, and sing Sweet Transvestite one more time, then that's what you have to do."
And so I did.
Flash back ...
A while back I wrote about a boy I met who resembled Macauley Culkin in "Party Monster." Ben was his name... nothing ever came out of it, and he's become someone I see out at the bars and have occasional conversation with. Well a few nights earlier we'd run into each other at the bar, hung out and chatted...and then when some "tina" fell into my lap at the bar, we decided to go do it together.
Usually I have a rule about doing any kind of drugs with someone who hasn't done them before. But Ben is just Ben, so somehow it seemed ok.
It was a night with no sex. Ben and I just sat up all night and talked about so many different things. (The night before my going away party I had a similar experience with another friend... very cool indeed...)
Well, Ben and I established a friendship that night. I'd told him about the main problems I had with him, and he appreciated that I was honest and saw through the things he did... and that opened us up to just being very honest with each other about all kinds of stuff.
Well flash back to the night of my going away party .... and I'd left a message for Ben to call and come with me, but he'd never gotten back to me.
I left one more saying I was leaving, and a bit drunk, stumbled off towards the bar. I called Jamie half way there, so I could be on the phone when I arrived ... (It's a thing I do) ... Just as I started the conversation with Jamie, I swore I saw Macauley Culkin out of the corner of my eye!
I turned and it was Ben. He'd gotten my last message and rushed to intercept me on my way, and walk there with me. It was an awesome gesture that really made the night.
One person out of those I'd told to come out actually showed up. But I wasn't going to let it phase me. I asked Larry the DJ to sing the last song of the night. My usual of course.
When the time came to sing, I got up and was fabulous...
...OK, I forgot the words at one point, but I recovered nicely and closed strong. Larry made a speech about it being my last night, and wishing me well. I don't think anybody was really listening or paying attention, but I heard it. And that night, it was all about me.
Ben and I walked home, then a friend came over and we all smoked a little pot and talked about random shit for an hour.
It wasn't the big going away bash that I'd planned... and it wasn't as warm and fuzzy and "goodbye to Portland" as I wanted... but that came last night. On my real last night here.
I had originally planned to leave on Sunday but last minute problems kept me there another day. It was good, cause I did all the things Sunday afternoon that I'd planned to do. I'd spent the Friday night with Jason, because he's someone I care quite a lot about, as a human being and wanted to spend some time with before the first part of my move. So Sunday was the day to clean my room. Not a "hide everything in the closet and under clothes" kind of clean... but a real thorough examination of all of my things. I knew I wasn't taking much to NYC this trip...but I wanted things organized for each trip I take there and back ... so things are ready to go and in order. And the things that are staying, are in proper places. (I'm planning to maintain the Maine residence and visit one weekend a month ... work at Friendly's for the weekend, make some cash, go to the beach for a day, then head home to NYC.)
I finished that task around 7 Sunday night and with perfect timing, my friend Jon (formerly known as "Delivery Boy") text messaged me to say he was in my driveway and wanted to go for a drive. We drove around Portland and South Portland looking for DVD's so he could burn all the current episodes of "Desperate Housewives" on to DVD for me before I left. We ended up failing, but smoked some pot while we were driving around. I got the vibe that Jon was thinking about crossing the "friendship" lines with me... an idea I'd actually once proposed to him, but thought better of later. I wasn't sure though, cause Jon tends to give off that vibe even when it's not the case. Jamie calls him "Liquid Sexual Energy." (Don't be pissed Jamie, he doesn't read this and plus I already told him about that name... :)
We ended up grabbing a 12 pack and heading to my house for the new episode of "Desperate Housewives." It really is my FAVORITE thing on television right now. One of my favorites ever actually.
So we watched what was a fabulous episode, during the middle of which Kristy stopped by to smoke some more weed with me before she headed back to work ... she wanted to see me since I was around for an extra night. We chatted a bit, and then said "I'll see you next weekend."
It's easier, cause I'm coming back next weekend to move a few more things, and even work at Friendly's on Friday and Saturday. It's done exactly what it was orchestrated to do. Move me to where I want to be, while still maintaining ties with the place that enabled me to be able to come back here, and is definitely a "second home" and holds a few close ties.
Well, after Kristy left, Jack arrived home with more pot. I was already stoned enough, and people just kept bringing me more pot. But I wasn't complaining. I was feeling a good vibe and decided I wanted to go to Styxx for karaoke ... just to do something on my last night. I txt'd Adam ("Breeder") and we met up for our ritual Sunday night. Jon headed home, but Jack tagged along. We had a few beers, and I got up to sing with one of the hottie bartenders who I'd recently taken to singing "The Gambler" with. Then Adam and I decided to duet it up with "Sweet Caroline" ... finally, a very drunken friend I hadn't seen for a while, Katie, came over and demanded I sing our song with her. ("Summer Nights" ... but I sing that with any girl really! LOL)
So I sang that. I was pretty schnockered at that point and Jack, Adam and I headed back to my place. I decided I was in the mood to show off, so I whipped out some old tapes of my television days and forced them to watch for a while. LOL - silly Kevin ...
After Jack passed out, and Adam headed home ... while I was on my way to passing out I thought about what a truly nice night it had been. It was really the last night I wanted in Portland ... and it just happened.
So ... the tale of my "final" days in Portland reaches a close, and so does this blog. I've been writing my feelings, thoughts and opinions in here on a semi-regular basis for several years now. I find myself starting what seems to be not just a new chapter in my life, but perhaps a new volume. And to that end, I think it's time to start a new blog. For my friends who have kept up with this thing, and read it for so many years, or just to those of you who have just recently started reading, I invite you to join my on this next adventure in my life. You'll find my new blog at http://kevinandthecity.blogspot.com ...
I've found myself listening to this one song a lot lately, because I feel like it captures the feeling I have about finally returning to New York, and to the new direction my life is taking this time around. It's a song called "Defying Gravity" and it's from "Wicked" a Broadway musical about the how the Wicked Witch Of The West became that way. In this song, Elfaba (the witch) is about to take a path other than the one she had planned. Glinda (the future "good witch") is her best friend, and Elfaba tries to persuade her to join forces. In the end Glinda, choses "The Wizard" and the safe path she's always taken ... and Elfaba choses to fly away ... literally and metaphorically. It's a beautiful song, and just posting the lyrics doesn't do it justice... but as it's the song I feel most embodies how I've felt the past few days, it will be the final thing I write here. Enjoy it, and download it if you don't know it. It's worth a listen.
GLINDA
(spoken) Elphie, listen to me. Just say you're sorry:(sung) You can still be with the WizardWhat you've worked and waited forYou can have all you ever wanted:
ELPHABA
(spoken) I know:(sung) But I don't want it - No - I can't want it anymore. Something has changed within me Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second-guessing. Too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts. Close my eyes: and leap!It's time to try Defying gravity. I think I'll try Defying gravity. And you can't pull me down! I'm through accepting limits'Cuz someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change, but till I try, I'll never know!Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost! I'd sooner buyDefying gravity. Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravityAnd you can't pull me down:(spoken) Glinda - come with me. Think of what we could do together.(sung) Unlimited. Together we're unlimited. Together we'll be the greatest team there's ever been Glinda - Dreams, the way we planned 'em. If we work in tandem. There's no fight we cannot win. Just you and I Defying gravity. With you and I defying gravity. They'll never bring us down! (spoken) Well? Are you coming?
GLINDA
I hope you're happy now that you're choosing this.
ELPHABA
(spoken) You too (sung) I hope it brings you bliss.
BOTH
I really hope you get it. And you don't live to regret it. I hope you're happy in the end. I hope you're happy, my friend.
ELPHABA
So if you care to find me, look to the western sky!As someone told me lately, "Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free. To those who'd ground me take a message back from me...Tell them how I am Defying gravity. I'm flying high Defying gravity. And soon I'll match them in renown. And nobody in all of Oz...No Wizard that there is or was...is ever gonna bring me down!
6:53 PM
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
I just had a moment in the kitchen, sitting here drinking a beer. A moment with my roommate Jack, that just finally summed up the thought I'd been trying to gather for a few days now.
You see, over the past few days, I've been cutting ties with a few friends, because I feel they're untrustworthy and not especially loyal. I've recieved similar responses from a few of them... "Do you think you're better than me?"
And I've responded "No." Because I don't feel as though I'm not a boy without sin. I make mistakes. I have indiscretions. I do things I don't like to brag about for reasons I'd never care to admit.
But ... I couldn't think of the rest of the way to express how I felt about myself.
Tonight after work, I came home and found Jack in the kitchen cooking breakfast sandwiches. He'd had a long night at work, and hadn't any money to go out for a beer.
"Come on!" I told him. "Let's go have one on me..."
Well on the way to the bar we'd bitched because some of our other roommates have been devouring Jack's food left and right. I eat a little thing here and there myself, and so I acknowledged that guilt to Jack. He shrugged it off, cause I wasn't his main target.
Later as I was sitting here in the kitchen, on the laptop chatting away ...Jack came in to say goodnight to me.
"Thanks for the beers." He said and squeezed my shoulder. "That's the difference between you and the rest of them. You give a shit."
And that's when I realized ... yeah, those people were right. I do think I'm better. Not because I don't make mistakes. Or not because sometimes I don't hurt somebody I care about. But because when I do ... I give a shit.
Thanks for the help on that one Jack!
3:39 AM
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
One of my favorite television shows these days is "Desperate Housewives." I think it's a fun nighttime soap that has an intensely intelligent sense of humor.
A recent episode featured Lynette, a mother of unruly children finding herself addicted to ADHD medicine.
Now a little background. Many people who take Ritalin, or Adderal, or any of the other incarnations of these drugs liken it a bit to the effect of crystal meth. "Tina" is the street name for crystal meth ... and it works in much the same way ... as a stimulant... The effects are the same. It makes one hyper, unable to sleep, and quite often easily able to accomplish various tasks.
Now, I've had my share of experience with "tina" ... I've used it casually. I have friends who use it casually. I know people who've had addiction problems. And ... yes, I've made the phone call to get it. "Tina" was always the code name.. and often times you'd find yourself asking your dealer "Is your sister Tina in town? I'd really like to hang out with your sister... does she have time?" Stuff like that... That's a typical phone conversation to get tina.
Now, that said... below is a transcript of a scene from "Desperate Housewives." I find it almost impossible that the person who wrote this scene (during which Lynette meets up with a mom she knows in the park, trying to score some Ritalin) did not write it with full knowledge of the information I've just detailed.
So ... especially for my Florida peeps... here's a transcript of exactly what happened in the park on this hillarious scene from "Desperate Housewives."
LYNETTE: (sitting on the bench) Hey Jordana.
JORDANA: Hey Lynette. How are you? (pause) You look a little tired. Is everything ok?
LYNETTE: Actually I'm getting ready for a dinner party tommorrow night. Six people.
JORDANA: Sounds fun.
LYNETTE: Big fun. Say, you wouldn't have any of your kids ADD medication that you could spare, just to get me over the hump?
(Suddennly, Jordana looks up into the playground, and points to an unseen child who is supposedly playing.)
JORDANA: (yelling loudly) TINA! (pause) Don't push your sister. Gosh Lynette, I'm running really low. I need all the energy I can get. My sister Elaine and her kids are flying in town for a week.
LYNETTE: Yeah that is exciting. I wish my sister would visit more often.
JORDANA: Yeah, sisters are great.
LYNETTE: Just three or four pills, I'm really hittin a wall here.
JORDANA: (with a total soccer mom smile) Yeah, the comedown can be a real bitch. I wish I could help.
LYNETTE: I'm not gonna forget about this Jordana.
JORDANA: What's that supposed to mean?
LYNETTE: It means comes girl scout cookie time, don't bother bringin around Tina. We won't be around.
(Lynette pushes her stroller out of the park, and storms off in a huff.)
I just love when television is clever. Who ever thought I'd hear 40 year old women on ABC saying "I wish my sister would visit more often..."? Clearly, Mickey Mouse would not approve.
7:19 AM
Monday, March 14, 2005
The batteries have been recharged. What an amazing week in NYC.
Spending time with my best friend for the first time in months, apartment hunting and job meetings were the order of business. But there was so much more then that. There was a celebrity bartending night at an Upper West Side bar called "Blondie's." My groovy actress/bartender friend Kristina and I showed up looking fabulous. Tony Danza and a bunch of soap stars were behind the bar, bartending in theory. Mostly they just posed for pictures pouring drinks they ended up guzzling down a minute later. I've never felt so out of place being in front of the bar. LOL - bet that's something no one ever thought they'd hear me say, huh?
Kristina and I got excited when karaoke started during the middle of the fund raiser. I was even more excited when I found out they had "my song" ... I sang, garnered some applause and then made my way to the VIP room with Kristina. The staff assumed from our apperance that we belonged back there, and so we spent the end of the event schmoozing it up with various soap people. One of my old "cohorts" from back in those days looked right past me when I waved hello across the room. She didn't even remember me.
That bummed me out a little, but the evening was about to get better when my dear friend Ben (who just directed a play that starred the "Dude, you're getting a Dell!" guy). He had trekked up to the Upper West Side to join us at the party and catch up on old times.
My friends were excited for my imminent return to the city. It made me feel as though I was definitely making the right decision. That it truly was time to come home.
Jamie met up with Ben and I later at the Duplex (my favorite piano bar in the village) and a crazy night of drinking continued. Jamie and Ben ended up hitting it off really well. I was psyched about that. Ben is an old, dear, wonderful friend. Actually Ben reminds me quite a bit of myself in many ways. It's nice to see two important people in my life hitting it off.
During the time I was in NYC, I found myself confident, less depressed, more on the top game then I've been in a really long time. They say that when you're truly happy, and not looking for something that it's usually then it finally comes to you.
I'm not sure if this old adage holds true today or not, but I must say I'm beginning to think it's possible.
Saturday night, at another outing at the Duplex with Jamie and Scott (the ORIGINAL "Sweet Transvestite" and the reason I ever got really into Rocky). I hadn't seen Scott in a long time, and was wondering how the night would go, given the long history between us. He leaned in to me a few times as we sat in the piano bar ... But something told me just not to get comfortable with him like that again. As wonderful as Scott is ...and as much as we may have changed, we're still not the right person for each other.
I'm finding a wisdom I didn't know I had. I'm finding the ability to look at someone and see whether or not they're good for me. Not whether or not they're "good." That's not what I mean. Or whether or not I like them. The truth is that I do meet boys I like a lot. And after further investigation, it usually ends up not working out when I sense something is missing.
Working on my second drink, the guy sitting on the other side of Scott caught my eye. He had a look of maturity to him that made me think he was near my age. His boyish face and warm smile were the first things I noticed about him.
Suddenly, there was eye contact. Eye contact with the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen. Wow.
"OK, I have to say something to him." I thought to myself.
It came to my attention that our group was bickering with the people sitting on the other side of us. They were bitchy because it was crowded and we were all pushed up against each other.
The boy with the eyes turned back towards me again.
This time I was ready to jump into action.
"Our neighbors over there hate us." I began. "We're not getting on your nerves too, are we?"
He flashed that winning smile again. "No, we don't hate you."
I pretended to breathe a large sigh of relief, then took the plunge.
"I'm Kevin." I offered.
"Brian." he said shaking my hand.
I held the next moment of eye contact just long enough to establish that I was flirting.
Now, there was some question amongst our group on whether or not Brian was gay or straight. My first impression was that he was straight ... but both Jamie and Scott said guy. It became apparent as he grooved along to the showtunes that he was gay. But I saw it as an opening.
"So, I have a bet going." I whispered to him. "You're either gonna win me five bucks or lose me five bucks."
"What's the bet?" he asked, sounding curious.
"Are you gay or straight?" I asked point blank, already suspecting the answer but enjoying the interaction immensely.
"I'm gay." he answered, sounding a bit embarassed.
"Well you just lost me 5 dollars then, thanks a lot!" I said, with my best flirtacious smile.
I haven't done this in forever, I was thinking. But... it's like riding a bike, right?
Not entirely like riding a bike, but I was doing alright. I got momentarily sidelined when I began to think Brian was hitting on Jamie. We generally try not to be the sort of best friends to compete over a guy ... so I suggested we go out for a cigarette.
"Dude, I think he's interested in you, not me." Jamie told me as we sucked down our Marlboro milds quickly so we could get inside, away from the cold and back to Brian.
I went back in deciding that there was some kinda vibe I was getting from this boy. Something I liked a lot ... and it was time to be a more active participant in my own life. I switched my power switch to "ON" and just started talking away.
As it turns out, Brian is a former high school english teacher who now works at a "Sylvan Learning Center" type place, but has aspirations towards doing something theatrical. He was showing his sisters friend a fun night out on the town, and she had great things to say about him.
"I have such a crush on him." I admitted to her when he excused himself to the restroom.
"He's a really, really nice guy." She told me.
Yeah, I sensed that. The thing is, there are very few of those out there. Posers certainly. But the real deal is quite rare.
When Brian came back, I continued chatting with him. We talked about a few things (gay marriage, politics, etc) that I have strong opinions about. I could see him looking somewhat impressed, if not with what I had to say at least the conviction with which I said it. He was "getting me", which not everyone does. Especially not early on.
The conversation turned to musicals, naturally considering we were in a piano bar that was playing them every other song.
"My two favorite showtunes are a little more obscure." I told him. "I'll be really impressed if you know them."
"Try me." he smiled again.
Everytime he smiled I could feel the butterflies, just starting to fly around a little in my tummy.
I told him my two favorite showtunes, both from "Songs For A New World." An "Avenue Q" song followed as third favorite.
He knew all three of them. I was definitely impressed.
At this point we managed to persuade the waitress to get up and sing "Stars and the Moon" and "There's a Fine, Fine Line."
"Sometimes I get emotional during this song," I opened up to him. "I'm gonna come sit next to you in case I need a hand to hold."
He smiled and made room for me to sit on the bench next to him. He put his arm around me as the waitress started singing ... we were holding hands by the end of her first song
We sang along with her, both knowing all the words. We'd connect and look at each other on certain lines ... the ones that spoke to both of us. It was an amazing night.
After her set, the lights came up. The night had flown by and it was 3:30 in the morning. His friends were leaving, and mine were also ready to go. I didn't want to say goodnight... and we talked about the idea of continuing the night further. In the end, good sense prevailed. There'd be plenty of time for getting to know each other. No need to rush things.
I gave him my cell phone number and then did something completely out of character. I asked for his in return. You see, generally if I give someone my number and they don't respond by offering theirs, I assume they aren't going to call, and insecure Kevin never asks for their number. I sensed there was something special about this guy, and I decided "Insecure Kevin" wasn't going to win this one. I explained this all to Brian, just deciding to be completely honest.
"So what are you saying?" he asked.
"I'm saying I want your phone number too."
He gave me his phone number.
More honesty spilled out of me. "I'll probably call and leave you a voice mail tonight. It's what I do when I meet somebody I like. And texts ... I'm big on texts. I'm a dork."
He smiled. The kind of smile that lets you know this is someone who thinks your dorkiness is cute. The butterflies were flyin around like crazy now. I looked at him and opened my mouth to say something. I chickened out at the last minute and closed my mouth again.
"What were you going to say?" he asked me.
I tried to convince him it was nothing, but he was insistent. I guess I still wanted to say it anyway, so I did.
"I was debating whether or not I should kiss you now, or wait till tommorrow when we hang out."
"Now is totally ok." he responded, not breaking our eye contact at all.
So there, in my favorite New York City piano bar, with my best friend Jamie and my ex-boyfriend Scott paying the check next to me, I shared my first kiss with Brian. It was a nice first kiss. Just right.
Jamie and Scott were ready to go, and it was time to say our goodbyes. We'd agreed to hang out the next day, and I told him I'd text him on my walk home.
"Oh! One more thing!" I said, turning back to him.
I kissed him again. He smiled. I looked at those adorable eyes one more time, smiled back at him and followed Jamie and Scott out of the bar.
Nothing moved too fast that first night with Brian. Nor did it the next two nights when we hung out. We saw went out for drinks, out to a movie, walking around the city, shopping ... We did a lot in the next few days when we hung out. I went from being nervous and uncomfortable and trying to impress him, to actually relaxing and enjoying the mutual process of getting to know each other.
It's far too early to know where it will go ... I know that. And that's part of what makes it great. But I'm optimistic in a way I'm not often when I meet a boy. I'm optimistic because I've just met this smart, funny, charming and completely adorable guy who I'm excited to get to know and spend more time with.
I feel like I'm approaching a new phase in my life. I took a break in my mid-twenties to go and fuck around for a little while. I take from that a world of experiences both good and bad. But those experiences have shaped the adult that I feel I'm finally becoming. I'm definitely going through the next evolution in my life ... It's not going to be the same life I had in NYC before. And I go into it knowing that. In many ways I'm starting from scratch. But I'm not intimidated. I'm excited... I'm excited to take a journey that will end with me settling into what I feel is going to be the real beginning to my adult life.
Perhaps I've met the guy who will eventually fit into the "adult relationship" I see myself desiring, even now. It's a possibility. And it's exciting.
Perhaps a writing job will open up doors for me and allow me the freedom to create some of my own projects. It's a possibility. And it's exciting.
Perhaps I'll take on a project. My best friend is taking his first job in television, and wants me to show him what I know. Perhaps he'll find his passion with this big move also. Perhaps we will rule New York City as the fabulous creatures we are. It's a possibility. And it's exciting.
Perhaps I'll start spending time with my old friends again. The people who were such an important part of my first time in NYC. Perhaps it'll be easier then I think to just slip back into my friends lives. It's a possibility. And it's exciting.
I'm happy. I'm happy because for the first time in a long time, life is full of so many possibilities. And it's fucking exciting.
2:45 PM
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
My favorite of my roommates, Jack, has this radio station he listens to. It's an AM station and it plays the most fun mix of gay shit. From classic standards to big showtunes... It's playing in the kitchen now, and I just got done listening to Liza Minelli singing "Cabaret" ... and it reminded me how when I sing that song at karaoke sometimes, there's one particular part I enjoy singing... I feel it I guess...
"I used to have this girlfriend known as Elsie,
with whom I shared four sordid rooms in Chelsea.
She wasn't what you'd call a blushing flower,
as a matter of fact she rented by the hour.
The day she died the neighbors came to snicker.
'Well that's what comes from too much pills and liqour.'
But when I saw her laid out like a queen,
she was the happiest corpse I've ever seen.
I think of Elsie to this very day...
I remember how she'd turn to me and say;
'What good is sitting alone in your room?
Come hear the music play!
Life is a cabaret old chum,
so come to the cabaret.
And as for me...and as for me...
I made my mind up back in Chelsea,
that when I go... I'm goin like Elsie!
Start by admitting from cradle to tomb,
it isn't that long a stay.
Some come to the cabaret old friend.
Come to the cabaret."
Yeah... when I go ... it's gonna be just like mother fuckin Elsie.
When I go from Portland I mean ... Just over a month till I'm back in NYC ... living there again ... diving in head first. And I'm going to getto do it with my best friend by my side. That's so exciting and wonderful, I can't even completely express it with words.
"Sunshine" and I called it quits after an abrubt ending to a rather unique Valentine's Day. I'll write about it sometime soon, but for tonight, it was kind of all about "Cabaret" ...
When I go... I'm goin like Elsie....
Fuckin' RIGHT!
12:38 AM
Sunday, February 13, 2005
I have a great boyfriend. There are issues to resolve, and much still to learn ... but he's great. I have been at a job for a year now that actually resembles a decent place to work. I mean the place drives me to the brink of insanity... but it feels like a job I've been at for a year. It's comfortable. I have a couple of great friends here... some friendships that I actually think might be worth maintaining. Heck, I even got myself a gym buddy now. And we both get to use the gym at the hotel at work ... big-time work convenience. I get free access to the gym, pool and hot tob. Schweet. I make great money. I mean I work my ass off for it ... I mean I busted my tail today, but I walked home with $175. I did almost the same last night. Can't complain that those being my good nights. Shit... I made $50 the other night and was bitching for the whole night I couldn't believe I wasted my time going in for that.
Life is pretty good for me right now.
That begs the question, why am I moving then? Why on April 1'st am I going to go back to a city where most things are 10 times the cost they are here.
It's partially because I love New York City. I do. But ... really it's becomes I have dreams for myself. Dreams I started... some of them I achieved...but there are so many more... and if I did it before... I can do it again, right?
What if I let my life pass me by, and never found out the answer to that question? What kind of person would I be in those later years?... I don't forsee it being pretty.
So ... to all of you who are wondering why sometimes people have to give up wonderful things they have? Maybe it's because it's the only way they can find out what they are really made of. And isn't that one of the most important things in life?...
1:37 AM
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Sometimes you just have a pretty neat day. And if you're me, you try to get high and write an amusing journal entry about it.
Well, I'm not feeling particularly "clever stoned" right now, just stupid stoned. However, it was a rather good day... so I'll do my best.
Woke up at Jason's and had breakfast... chatted ... got ready and called a cab for work. I stopped briefly at my house, and my tax return had come. (It was misdirected by the post office temporairly)
Once at work we get the news that the health inspector is at one of our other stores and headed to us next. So we begin frantically making the restaurant ready to pass inspection.
In the end we got an 87% (the store before us got a 75) and our manager gave us all some ice cream to take home. I brought "Hunka Chunka PB Fudge" for Jason ... he likes da peanut butter)
All day I'd called around looking for weed. We're supposed to get a big snowstorm tommorrow and I didn't want to be snowed in with no reefah! Dat would suck da big one.
Well, when I got in my cab to head to Jason's house I couldn't find a lighter to smoke. The cabdriver offered me one, and I questioned what he had it for, since he had already said he didn't smoke butts.
"I smoke other stuff." He tells me with a smile.
My evil little brain begins working immediately.
"Oh yeah. Rock on." I say, sounding casual. "I have been looking for some all day, and no luck."
I go on to tell him how I'm dreading the snow with no grass.
"I might know somewhere we could stop on the way." Dominic (my favorite new cab drivers name)
We stop at a bar, he runs inside with $25 and comes out less than 10 seconds later.
As I see how quickly he has returned, I'm sure it's another failed attempt for the day.
He gets in and tosses a back in the backseat at me.
LIFE IS GOOD.
I invite him up to smoke with me and Jason (and our friend John and their friend Flo who were already there hangin out) and he comes up smokes out, and we all watch "Drawn Together."
First let me tell you I now have a NEW tv obsession. I hadn't seen the show before, and by night's end I'd seen the first 6 episodes. I'll write about it when I have the attention span, but it's a brilliant "cartoon character reality series" on Comedy Central. For those of you who haven't seen it, it's BRILLIANT.
Smoked, watched the show, drank some Apple Cider...
And now, after writing this journal entry, I'm gonna go smoke another with my boo and begin Kill Bill: Volume 2. I wasn't nuts about the first one, but Jason assures me that this one has a bit more than just fight sequences. I'm keeping an open mind...
It was a good day. And sometimes you just have to get stoned and write about those.
2:27 AM
Friday, February 04, 2005
My best friend turned 29 today. We have about 8 months difference between when he turns an age, and when I find myself turning that same age. During those 8 months I get to tease him about being the "old one" ... Today was the last time he'll be "the old one in his late twenties" ... next year when we play this game, we'll be talkin about our thirties.
Holy shit, are they here already?... How is it that when I think back on the events of my life and all the things I've done, that it seems like so much less than 30 years have gone by? It's both exciting and daunting at the same time.
Exciting, because think of the things I can do with the rest of my life, now that I'm making steps to reclaim my direction.
Daunting, because I've had an exciting and diverse past that will take some real rabbits out of the hat to top.
Everything from being a "child actor" to being a "class behavior problem." From being a chubby teen kid who used to be on TV, to trying to completely change my phsyicality to try to be accepted again at what I loved doing. Succeeding... then failing. Back to school ... couldn't take it. Finally a new job comes along. Relocation to New York City is nescesarry for the schedule. You get a tiny place... and you love it. You even learn to deal with roaches, cause finally this big wonderful city you'd always visited and adored, is now your home. And even as you're still learning it's ways ... and it's secrets... you still feel at home while you're still only getting comfortable. 7 years of life go by. Career ups and career downs. TV roles and answering phones at your talent agency. Print ad campaigns you never dreamed you'd book, to playing a teenager while you were already in your early twenties.
Then depression. 3 crushing events all at once. In the span of just as many months. And you're a mess... you're a total wreck... drinking, eating, retreating. And there's an old friend from Pennsylvania. She lives in Florida... and she and you talk ... she cheers you up ... You talk about moving down to Florida and starting up a business. The moving happens, the business doesn't. What was supposed to be 3 months, turns into 3 years. You have changed completely before you leave the state. You've done every drug but heroine now. You've met, mastered and conkered (I so spelled that wrong, huh?) the afterhours scene there. Tried, liked and saw so many new things. Parties in doubles wides, to partying in houses that were broadcast on the internet. Sitting by a pool doing a line of coke, or a patio bar enjoying the salt air and a cocktail.
Life changed from anything you'd ever known. You grew. You met your best friend in the entire world... But slowly you started to get sucked away... you felt yourself fading...
But the other side... crying alone in your bathroom not wanting to leave it and face the people in your house. 30 days in jail that seemed like they might never end. Humiliation, desperation ... leading to despair.
And then a life raft. A best friend who seemed in need. I say seemed because I think he's made of stronger stuff then even he knows. But I came to help him, and instead he helped me... possible saved my life. He made me comfortable and gave me an opportunity in a really great new place. A place to reinvent myself once again, and prepare one more time to do battle with the world.
My best friend in the entire world, who I've sat on the floor of many a party and smoked butts while rolling our nuts off... My best friend who I've slept on subway cars, and taken home to meet mom and dad. My best friend who I have stayed in the poshest of hotels with, and told all of my secrets to ... My best friend who writes the most beautiful poetry I've ever heard in my life ... My best friend who I've laughed and cried with ... and so much more no one could possibly imagine... My best friend who has stuck by me and helped me battle all of my enemies, even when the biggest one is myself.
Jamie, today, 29 years ago a very special person was brought into this world.... and I thank God, or whoever directs this soap opera we call life, every day for giving me the best friend I've ever had in my life.
I love you, and Happy Mother-Fuckin Birthday!...
...You're 29... I'm still 28 ... You're 29 ... I'm still 28 ... :)
2:08 AM
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Sunday is my Friday.
By that I mean that Sunday I work during the day (well as of last week), usually until about 4, and then after I get out of work, my weekend begins.
You might think I get jipped... Well, the thing is I rather like the routine I've settled in to.
Sunday nights are doubly awesome. I have mostly-regular plans with my breeder friend Adam. We hit a local breeder bar where there's a weekly karaoke contest. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't have anything against the breeders... but I could see them looking at me. Flirting with me. One even tried to touch me. Why can't they just stick with their own kind, instead of always trying to get with us? :) (If some uneducated moron is by chance reading this page, that last sentence was a little trick I like to use sometimes, called irony. Look it up. Reflect. See what comes to you.)
Anyway... I digress. So Adam and I hit up "The Stadium" (Those breeders, always naming bars after those sports things.) and get ourself on a path towards intoxication. The contest ends around 11:15... (Adam sometimes wins or places) and then it's off to a more relaxing and aesthetically pleasaing environment...
...The gay bar! Finally, a bar without all those freaks standing around staring at you. (Irony again ... FYI.) Oddly, "Styxx" (our local gay club) also has karaoke on Sunday nights. Now usually I'm more of a fan of the Tuesday or Thursday night karaoke nights at "Somewhere Else" but "Styxx" on a Sunday, after spending the night around straight people, can be a pretty groovy place.
We further intoxicate ourselves, while the gay boys all hit on Adam. I keep telling him we just need to share our knowledge. I can tell him how to get those breeder girls to fall for him, and he can tell me how to get the boys to flirt with me...
Thankfully, as of recently I don't need to worry about boys flirting with me. "Jade" (aka/"Sunshine") and I have been seeing each other for over a month now ... and as of recently have made the dating official... making me the amazingly proud boyfriend of a really deep and special person ... The fact that I'm moving in April makes this an unpleasant example of that word "irony" I spoke of earlier.
But that's another blog entry. I have digressed again. This ones about Sunday nights, and after Adam and I get back to my house from our "both worlds karaoke night" tour we sit down, and endulge in my two favorite things on television at the moment, both of which have been recorded that night by my DVR box. For those of you who don't know what a DVR box is, it's basically like TIVO. I tell it my show, and it records it EVERY time it's on ... and saves it in my cable box. I have like 60 hours of space on the box that I can fill with whatever I like. 58 of those hours are currently filled, but I'm sure I'll delete something soon ... I'll have to.
"Boston Legal", the spinoff of "The Practice" stars James Spader, William Shatner, Candice Bergen and Betty White. Now if that cast list alone doesn't make you wanna tune in at least to see what the fuck this thing is about, then clearly you have no appreciation for the history of television.
However, there's one show that I absolutely can not miss. Ironically it takes up both the time slot of my old TV addiction ("Sex and the City") but it seems to have replaced it as the new pop culture phenomenon in the making.
Four strong female characters. All very different. All very bold. All doing insane Dynasty/Melrose kind of shit. But somehow all very relateable.
Relateable to the housewives they sorta represent. Relateable to mainstream america as well as to both the upper class and white trash. And most importantly, relateable to gay men.
I mean think about it. We all know which "Sex and The City" character we feel we are. (I'm a Carrie myself ... although I think far too many fags lie to themselves and say they're her, when most of them are truly Samanthas.)
And who among us didn't know exactly which "Golden Girl" we were? Or which "Charlie's Angel" for you older bitches.
"Desperate Housewives" introduces us to four vivacious characters. Susan, Bree, Lynette and Gabriel. All very different women, with as many things in common as differences.
So far, I think I'm mostly a Susan ... But as I'm still getting to know the characters, I'm still forming my opinion. More later on this.
Sunday nights are good...
I no sooner finished typing that last line when my phone rang.
Adam's at his parents till tommorrow.
Another thought just hit me, while typing that last line. In what is clearly a sign that it's not my day, I have remembered that "Desperate Housewives" is a rerun tonight.
OK, so maybe this week I got jipped.
That's ok ... I know it's my Friday ... but even if it sucks ... for me, tommorrow isn't Monday. It's Saturday!
CAN I GET A HELL YEAH!?...
I feel this blog entry being extremely interactive, as I keep getting interupted while writing it. It seems to keep fitting in with what I'm writing ... and this last interuption was no exception.
My phone just rang. It's Mindy and April ... it's April's birthday. They want to go out.
An end to my blog entry ... and a beginning to my Friday night.
CAN I GET ONE MORE HELL YEAH!?
5:31 PM
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Every now and then I hear a song that really speaks to me. That touches me, or makes me think, or brings to the surface emotions I wasn't even aware of.
On My Own, Stars and The Moon, I'm Not Afraid Of Anything ... to name a few. Ironically they are all showtunes of some sort. I think that's less because I'm a big "showtune fag" and more because musical theater is just written with such raw emotion. The songs tend to ring true more then any other type of music does to me.
My new obsession is a song called "There's a Fine, Fine Line" and it's from the new Broadway Hit "Avenue Q" ... and I think the song is just dead on.
There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend.
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend.
And you never know till you reach the top, if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time.
There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line between you're wonderful and goodbye.
I guess if someone doesn't love you back, it isn't such a crime.
But there's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of your time.
And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've gotta close the door ... and walk away.
There's a fine, fine line between together and not.
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you are still in your prime.
There's a fine, fine line ... between love ... and a waste of time.
3:13 PM
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
I've heard some fascinating quotes over the past few weeks. Some that I find intuitive, insightful, funny or maybe just plain dirty.
I was watching a movie a few nights ago where a girl asked a guy if he'd actually have sex to help his career. He responded:
"Honey, I've blown a guy to get him out my apartment."
Haven't we all done that?! Surely we don't all want to admit it ... but most of us have been there, I promise you dear readers.
A boy who I chat with online, but don't really know in person is responsible for the next quote. I thought it was absolutely beautiful and I kind of think about it a lot when I think about "Sunshine."
"Sunshine" is the boy I've been seeing lately, and I've decided that since it's my nickname for him in person, it would double as his identity here. The purpose for the name is quite simple... it's the effect he has on me. Like a ray of sunshine. And it feels nice, and warm, and bright and full of energy ...
I thought about "Sunshine" when I heard this quote:
"Boys are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they justget the rotten apples from the bottom that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree..."
Randomly, someone on a gay cruising website had this posted as their "bio line" and I kinda liked it as well:
Life's Not...About arriving gently in a nice neat package. It's about slidding in with a drink in one hand and chocolate in the other, worn and tattered and yelling.. woohoo what a ride
And last but not least I explained an odd concept to my best friend tonight. Something someone had filled me in on. The expression "donkey punch." Apparently, for my dear readers who don't know what this charming expression means, it's what you do after your done "fucking someone up the butt" (as it was so colorfully described to me) "you punch them in the stomach so that their muscles clench and when you pull out, you stay nice and clean." I was appalled. Uterrly appalled. My best friend shared my sentiment, and uttered what I think might be the wisest of my quotes I share with you here:
" IF ANY MAN PUNCHES ME IN THE GUT AFTER HE FUCKS ME. I WILL PURPOSLY SHIT ALL OVER HIM!"
Amen Jamie! Amen to that!
4:25 AM
Sunday, January 02, 2005
I promised myself I'd get the New Years Eve Resolutions post up here on New Years Eve or New Years Day ... but alas, inspiration which I depend on to let my thoughts flow into words hadn't hit. I knew there were things I had to talk about ... that I had to make public ... for the people who don't know ... for the people who don't care ... for anyone who reads this goddamn thing, really. Cause it's all about ME?! Surely you've learned that by now.
Anyway ... OK ... so the New Years Resoultion ... I've only set one this year really. Cause it's a big one. It's been almost four years in the making. It's the return to the one place that brings out all the best things about myself. The one place that has always felt like home, whether in my best or worst moments there. It's the one place where I can return to a life with a career, and not just a job.
April 1st I'm moving back to New York City.
I've avoided setting a date for a while... instead choosing to just say "Sometime soon..." I did that purposely because I knew that once I set a date... that was my everything. That was what I was going to make happen. Because then it was an actual deadline ... not a generic time-frame.
Well ... April 1'st. There we go then. Come hell or high water ... Come rain or come shine ... Actually, I think hell or high water probably should have come after rain or shine. It was kind of anti-climactic.
But anyway, my stoner ass digresses.
I've found myself really starting to develop a life, and circle of friends ... even some people I am beginning to start to consider "family" ... But the truth is the things that I want to do with my life aren't here. So this isn't where I should be laying down roots. It's a fucking great place to live ... and if I had different goals in life it might well be where I chose to live it.
But unfortunately very early in my childhood I was bitten with both the New York City Bug and the Entertainment Industry Bug. Early on I thought the latter was simply the acting bug, but my time in New York City fostered not only my acting career, but the beginnings of possible careers in writing, P.R., and production work. I found myself loving both the city that I lived in, and the industry in which I worked in. At my highs and my lows I still had a hope and a drive that has been missing from me for the longest time. So long, that now, even at a pale shadow of my former self, I feel the beginnings of strength coming back to me. Arriving closer to the next stop ... Returning. Returning a different person, who has to reclimb a ladder, he's already been somewhat up.
My blog will also end on April 1'st, as I make my last post to this particular chronicling of events in my life. A new blog will begin, which will chronicle (more regularly and more in-depthly) the every-day going ons in my life, and my struggle to find my place again in a world that I've long been absent from. I hope to find my next blog to not just be about the woes of love and the drama of gay life ... but about what I think is going to be an exciting adventure. A reinvention, but with so much more life experience behind me to work from.
It seems everytime I'm going to move, I meet someone I think could be a major influence on my life.
I met him Sunday night ... and I've been hanging out with him for almost a week now. I looked at him tonight and I realized ... I think this guy is going to be a very important part of my future. Something just tells me so ...
...Something also tells me, if I'm right ... It's going to be one hell of a ride. You see... in the past hour as I've been sitting here at his house watching him, I began to see the pieces of a puzzle start to come together. I think that this boy who I see something starting with is schizophrenic.
"Fasten your seat belts... it's going to be a bumpy night.
Fuck that, a bumpy fuckin year.
2005- BRING IT ON!
5:17 AM
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